Gods, Hillbillies and Small Children

Chapter One: Our Larry...

The Antarctic night exploded. As if startled, the darkness swirled and dodged as an intense light struck the snow and raised roiling clouds of steam. The sky shattered and the ground waved like wheat in a strong wind. Reality spun a bit, weaved, then fell down. Time and space had broken.

All of existence would have succumbed save for a lone figure that appeared out of nowhere on the bobbing ice. He raised a hand and actuality mended before it could unravel entirely.

The stark black night returned, lit only by stars and the Aurora Australus. The figure stood naked in the frantic howl of winter and realized he had made a considerable boo boo. It became all too clear that the body he brought for this visit was simply not up to the rigors. The temperature was well below minus 100F and parts of his peripheral appendages began to freeze.

"Aw, this isn't right!" He thought. "I must have missed something." He looked at his watch and noticed that 4 billion years had passed. Where does the time go?

Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy's third grade lecture on properties of planets with molten cores shimmered before him. Mrs. Murphy was a large woman with a bellowing voice that always gave him the willies.

"Larry, You've forgotten again!"

Larry hoped this would be short. He shrugged at her.

"Think Larry!" Mrs. Murphy cast him a most disapproving eye.

"I should have brought a sweater?" Larry had never been good at pop quizzes.

She sighed. "No Larry... the molten core is convecting and..."

In an instant it all came back. Mrs. Murphy dissolved away.

"Crap," He smacked his forehead with the palm of his frozen hand. His thumb took the opportunity to snap off. "I forgot to compensate for continental drift."

Larry's body, arms and legs began to solidify. He uttered an ancient technocurse and reality winked again. He left the body behind. It was useless. There was little reason to take it back. He'd have to get another one over the Ultranet. This universe held surprise after surprise for Larry. Dealing with linear, unidirectional time was not something he was used to.

Time is a confusing subject. Many sentient civilizations fail utterly in their concept of it. As a consequence, they must resort to expressing time in terms relative to their own existences. However, since sentient existence is almost totally meaningless, their simplistic views of time are horribly distorted.

As an example, the Claventi of Aurigula Epsilon believe time only exists when they are awake. Unfortunately, not all Claventi sleep simultaneously, nor for the same duration. Thus, each Claventi exists within their own personal time. This "personal" time varies wildly. Just meeting someone for a nice lunch requires ponderous calculations be made and even then, there is little likelihood the restaurant will be open.

Even Claventi holidays occur at random. Everything in Claventi life is governed by each individual's own sense of the season. Worse still, organizing a decent war is impossible. They never developed a way of getting everyone to the battlefield at the same moment. As a result, the Claventi have been forced into a malaise of happiness and peace. They are the laughing stock of the universe.

The Ooutga people of Carina Iota record time in "mating seasons". Since each Carina Iota day contains 250,000 opportunities to mate, this bizarre method of timekeeping is surprisingly accurate. Sadly however, mating 250,000 times a day leaves the Ooutga little chance to do anything else with the time.

Down on the lower dimensions, primordial beings have resorted to artificial timekeeping. The simple devices they utilize are far from accurate, yet they are worshiped by the primitives that rely on them. The "Clock", as it is quaintly referred to, rules their lives. They wake, eat and even eliminate waste according to its demands.

Clocks are unrelenting masters. Whether mechanical, electric, digital or wayward neutron driven, all have the arrow of time pointed firmly forward. These silly, gullible, primitive life forms goose step to each tic and tock. For them, the beginning will always come before the end. Little wonder so many of them spend a large amount of their limited time depressed.

One such depressed life form sat sadly behind a telescope control panel. She wondered what was the meaning of all this time. Why had she been born? What power had decided that frozen daiquiris should come with little umbrellas? She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream, but even more, she desperately wanted chocolate and lots of it.

It wasn't her job that depressed her. On the contrary, the myriad of displays and dandy flashing lights were normally very engaging. Sally's mind was not on her work. Life was playing one of its little practical jokes on her. This day should have been one of the nicer ones in her short life.

Instead, her brain dwelled on a 5-minute conversation she had earlier that morning with her doctor. It was very simple, short, but most disturbing. He told her she had pancreatic cancer, Adenocarcinoma to be precise. She was in the later stages. At best, she would continue in her present plane of existence for but a few months more. She was not happy about it. Death is a notion that seems to bother primitive beings.

She wasn't engaged in her work. She felt the time was better used mourning for herself. She felt she had so much to live for. So many things were going to be left undone. To be sentenced to death at her young age seemed unfair to her. Her spirit was dying even quicker than her feeble body would.

This wallow in a deep pit of self pity might have lasted the entire evening had it not been for a few electrons dancing on a screen before her. Inexplicably, they produced a pair of peaks that climbed far above a chaos of lesser squiggles. Her reddened eyes took in their meaning. Little lines of light that might have gone unnoticed to others, caused Sally Dunning to sit up. The event jolted her from her doldrums.

"Billy, there's another one!" She pointed at the data on the monitor.

Billy Norton, looked up from his console. He got up and crossed the room.

"That close together? That can't be right." Billy pounded some keys, then printed a short section of graph and data out. He eyed the document closely and took his highlighter from his pocket protector. He checked two points.

Billy smiled broadly. "Two short duration gamma ray bursts from the same location in 5 minutes? Damn, that's way too cool! Looks like we have a triple merger of neutron stars... or... or maybe black holes of some kind... this is big." Billy got up to leave. "I'm going to call Dr. Wyatt and tell him we just earned our keep."

Sally ran after him. "Champagne Billy... " She now beamed as well. "Hit Wyatt up for champagne... and not the cheap stuff... get something I can't pronounce..." The ups and downs of this day made her want to get really hammered.

Sally turned back to the monitor. An image was forming line by line on the screen. She watched it mesmerized. Within seconds, the picture was done. It was a portrait of the xray afterglow that revealed the gamma bursts. The grainy image contained a few dozen galaxies nearly 2 billion light years away. Incomprehensibly, the arrangement looked exactly like a smiling face with crossed eyes. The image took her by complete surprise and magically stole her sense of doom. Sally then did something she couldn't even conceive of a few seconds prior. She nearly fell off the chair laughing.

She felt better. Something about it lifted her. Maybe she could make it through the day after all. The moment was brief. Just behind her, a brilliant burst of light punched a neat round hole through the wall. As she should, Sally leapt aside and sought shelter between two large consoles.

In front of her, eleven dimensions of thunder and terror ripped through the water cooler. A vortex formed that sucked file cabinets into a tiny rift in the cosmic fabric.

This sort of thing is disturbing to sentient life forms. Often, when simply peeing in ones pants is not enough, many resort to the supernatural. Sally tried franticly to remember a good prayer. Although she was well motivated, not a single one crossed her consciousness. Oddly, only "Row, Row, Your Boat" came to mind. Seeing as it was a good deal better than thinking about what was actually happening, Sally closed her eyes tightly, plugged her ears... and sang.

Quick as it started, the terrifying event was gone. As the smoke and debris cleared from the air, standing in its place was a short, squat, fat man in a heavy parka. He was sweating profusely. When he saw Sally, he screamed loudly. Apparently, it was infectious.

Sally and he screamed exactly the same thing. "Who the hell are you?"

The fat man looked around the room totally bewildered. He waddled to a nearby chair and flopped heavily in it. It rolled back and struck the wall. He buried his head in his hands. "This is bad... this is so bad!"

Sally composed herself and approached him cautiously. "How did you do that?"

He looked at her fiercely and shook a finger. "You're not supposed to be here!"

Sally felt it wise to move away.

He gestured at himself. "Look at this... entirely the wrong body again. I'm going to be miserable in this." He unfastened the parka and discarded it. Underneath was a bright red pair of thermal underwear. He began to unbutton it as well.

Sally raised a quick hand. "STOP! NOW! You are not going to do that here!"

The fat man looked confused, his mind searched the Ultranet for answers. It came in a flash. It didn't make sense, but then, few things on the lower dimensions do. It seems some sentients are not comfortable in their natural state and even less comfortable when others around them are in their natural states. The word for this state of being is "naked" or even simpler... "nude".

Early in evolution, nature found that the natural state is a very economical way to be born. It saves DNA the trouble of figuring out how to make underwear and overcoats. It is also a favorite of predators. Nothing is more troublesome as a dinner that has to be plucked before eating. Early sentients made a wonderful snack with few messy leftovers. Oddly, the sentients themselves did not view this in a positive light.

Instead, they looked at growing up naked in a world full of teeth and sharp thorns as a severe drawback. Fleeing for one's life in bare feet was often complicated by rather unpleasant ground cover. Since many of these early life forms were unwilling to donate their all to the food chain, it is little wonder that Sally's ancestors invented clothes.

Sadly, this quest for cover squeezed mankind up the slippery path to fashion awareness. Today, few humans spend much time naked. For many, those all too rare moments of nudity are spent writhing and moaning in darkened rooms. As Sally was not in the mood for moaning and writhing, she viewed the sweaty half-naked person before her with some alarm.

Her thoughts screamed in Larry's mind. He always hated the way some sentients have to broadcast their thoughts so loud. As an indulgence to this creature, Larry again connected with the Ultranet and searched for an applicable outfit. He grimaced and grit his teeth, screwed his eyes shut tightly and waved his hand in front of himself. A throbbing noise filled the room and a bright violet glow erupted around him. It grew rapidly in intensity. Larry winced as a faded T-shirt knitted about his torso and a pair of walking shorts replaced the underwear. A strong smell of ozone permeated and wisps of smoke rose from his new garments.

Larry posed for Sally. "Is this okay, or do I have to cover everything?"

He waited for Sally to respond, but none came. Rude as it might appear, Sally had taken the moment to be dumbstruck. It seemed the proper thing to do.

Larry simply eyed her for a few more moments, then poked her several times. "I hope you're the only one here."

"What?" Her voice cracked. She began to get afraid. "I'm not alone. I have colleagues returning any minute."

The fat man circled her. "Oh crap... crap... crap! How many?"

Sally's mind raced. This guy could be dangerous. Her eyes flashed about the room for the best path to an exit. If she could get past him, she knew she could outrun him. She blurted out something she hoped would scare him away.

"Hundreds... they told me they were on their way now."

"HUNDREDS!!!" Larry blanched. His eyes grew large. His face turned a bright crimson. "THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF YOU ON THIS PLANET? I am so screwed." He slid out of the chair with a plop. She could swear he was whimpering. Sally didn't feel so menaced anymore. This guy was just a nut case.

Larry started to moan. "Slime mold I could explain away... I might even get away with 50 or so white mice... but a planet with hundreds of you??? I will never have a life again."

"Uh billions."

"Wha..."

"I thought you meant how many are in the office here... there are billions of us on the earth."

Larry screamed. "Crap. Crap. Crap. Billions of monkeys. BILLIONS. I am going to be paying fines for eternity!" Now was a rather good time to freak out. His rant continued, but made no sense to Sally, "No wonder I was so upset with me. I just thought I was being unreasonable... I get that way... but this... next time I warn me... I'm listening.'"

Larry paced the room. Sally took his momentary distraction as an opportunity to flee. She darted for the door, opened it and entered the hallway screaming for help. Larry didn't seem to notice.

The building was oddly quiet. Sally banged on doors and whistled. She got no response. She ran down the hall looking in every door. The lunchroom contained several of her colleagues. To her amazement, they were motionless. Sally placed her hands on each one in an attempt to rouse them. All efforts failed. They felt like statues.

Now her fright was turning to panic.

None of the elevators worked. She found the emergency stairs and scampered down the two flights to ground level. The security desk was manned, but they too appeared frozen.

Outside, the world was still and silent. Not a blade of grass moved. Birds in flight appeared suspended in air. Although she stood in full sun, she cast no shadow and she could not feel any difference in heat.

Sally felt like she was going to explode. Her heart was beating very fast. She felt sick and slumped to sit on the curb. How could she be alive when her world had stopped?

"You must have been in my chronosphere."

She looked up to find Larry standing over her. "You can hear my thoughts?"

"Oh, were you thinking that?" Larry forced a weak smile. "Sorry, I'm not supposed to enter minds without knocking first... try to keep your thinking down... it's so loud. I'll try to block you out."

Larry looked all around him. The university campus engulfed the entire horizon. "Billions!" He threw up his arms in disgust. "This is a nightmare."

"Who... who are you?"

Larry held out a limp wrist. "Larry Swain, I created you... and this." He sat down on the curb next to her and put his head in his hands. "My father is going to kill me when he finds out."

A shock rocketed through Sally's body. She had never been religious, but at this moment a righteous spiritual event frolicked inside her. It was absurd to think, even laughable... but she had to ask.

"Are you God?"

Larry squealed and grabbed her lips. "Crap... don't say that. No. No. No. No. I am in enough trouble... just call me Larry... uh... Do you things have names?"

Sally frowned. "Things?"

"Yeah, I know you're alive... I mean you talk and stuff. Do you name yourselves?"

"I'm Sally," she answered dubiously.

"So, did you Sallies build all this stuff or did it just grow here?"

Sally shrugged... this was not the God she learned about in Sunday school. "I am Sally. If you mean the others like me... we call ourselves humans."

Larry seemed disappointed. He thought Sallies was a much better name.

"Don't you know anything about us?"

"That's why I returned. As punishment I have to visit every speck I made in my universe. I'm catching up on things. I have to take inventory for my dad. He gets taxed for every particle. He really hates that. It's usually pretty easy. Rock. Rock. Asteroid. Rock. Gas giant. Solar mass. Ice ball. Nebula. Rock."

Larry closed his eyes and took in the wholeness of the earth. "This place is going to cause me fits... I have to catalogue every life form here... that could take all day."

"Every life form... in a day? How can you do that?"

Larry looked annoyed. He wasn't used to explaining things... mostly because he didn't understand all of it himself.

Sally persisted. "Can you show me?"

To her surprise, he agreed. He handed her a small notebook and she eagerly opened it. A glimpse of creation lay inside.

The images exploded from the page. Her mind felt like it was being carried in a great torrent. Each page leapt into her mind with the fullness of actually being there. Her jaw dropped as it unfolded before her.

Moons, planets, stars, galaxies ripped into her brain. All the facts fought for a spot like piglets nudging for nipples. Now and again, there were a few notes and naughty doodles in the margins. Places unimagined by any human being were dutifully noted and accompanied by a 3d Polaroid paper clipped to the page.

In some of the photos, graffiti covered the actual surfaces of a planet. Someone had scrawled comments. Most were rude.

Sally flipped the pages faster and faster, but no matter how fast she flipped the sheets, she never reached the end.

Breathless and agog, she could hardly believe her eyes. It made her mind want to wring itself. Finally, she closed the notebook and staggered.

"I think I'm going to fall down." Gravity dutifully assisted her in doing just that... perhaps a bit too vigorously. She smacked the ground hard.