Perfect Boyfriend Inc.

Perfect Boyfriend Inc.1

Kassandra eyed up the package on her doorstep. Was this it? Was this what she had been looking for? She hadn’t been expecting it to arrive so soon. Reluctantly, Kassandra began to tear off the wrapping, wondering what exactly it was that she might find inside, enfolded in that brown paper. Would it really contain all that she had been promised, all that she had dreamed about? This was truly a pivotal moment…2

It had all began several weeks before when Kassandra was seeing her then boyfriend, Stuart. At first she had thought that Stuart was everything she had ever dreamed of; he was good looking, well-dressed, had a good sense of humour and he was rich. Maybe that was the problem. Stuart had all of these positive qualities but in the end he was only human. Soon, Kassandra began to notice his flaws; flaws such as turning up late to dates, or forgetting to call her when he said he would, or having very little time for her. Those kinds of things.3

Her heart broke one sunny, late afternoon. Kassandra was supposed to be surprising Stuart with a picnic for lunch. He had been working late a lot recently and so she decided to take advantage of his lunch break and do something special for him. So, there she was, knocking on Stuart’s office door, picnic basket in hand.4

“Excuse me?” His secretary stopped her, mid-knock.5

“Uh, I’m here to see Stuart Ashton.”6

“Stuart? Hmm, I believe he’s just gone out for lunch.”7

“Oh… do you know where he went?” 8

“I think he was going to ‘Alicia’s Restaurant’, the one on Peartree Road. He left a few minutes ago with his girlfriend. If you hurry you might be able to catch up with him.” 9

Kassandra froze.10

“His girlfriend?” 11

“Yeah she visits him for lunch often. Do you know her?”12

Kassandra ignored the secretary’s question and ran from the office. Girlfriend? What did Stuart’s secretary mean; Girlfriend?!? She aimed to get to the bottom of this. Eventually she reached Peartree Road. ‘Alicia’s Restaurant’ was a small and quaint restaurant that served famous steak dishes, which Kassandra knew that Stuart loved. Discretely, she peered in through the dark glass window. Sure enough, Stuart was sat at a table but there was no girl with him. Kassandra grinned; maybe it was all a mistake. She was about to go inside and greet him when a long-legged beautiful brunette appeared at his table. Kassandra watched as Stuart stood up and kissed the girl. And it wasn’t just a peck on the cheek. It was a full-blown, should-you-really-be-doing-this-in-the-middle-of-a-public-place kind of kiss.13

Furiously, Kassandra opened the door to the restaurant and stormed inside, knocking aside the waiter trying to calm her down. Stuart spun around, looking shocked.14

“Kassie, I…”15

Kassandra stopped him mid-sentence as she grabbed a glass of wine from a nearby table and threw it in his face.16

“You cheating, lying…-“ she never got to finish her words as by now several waiters had gathered and were striving to drag her towards the door.17

“Come on miss, he’s not worth it” one was saying to her, “just step outside and calm down.” 18

They left her in the street; tears began to stream down her cheeks. Why didn’t she wear waterproof mascara today? Nothing was going right. 19

“Are you alright?” A waitress appeared behind her.20

“Do I look alright? No I’m far from alright? I look like a crazed panda!” Kassandra ranted.21

“Look, here you go”, the waitress handed her a tissue, “boyfriend trouble?”22

“Something like that…” Kassandra sobbed.23

“I know somebody who can help you. Someone who’ll take the pain away.”24

“I don’t need a psychiatrist if that’s what you mean!” 25

“No, no, no, nothing like that. Seriously, there’s this shop downtown and they can take all the pain and hurt and low self-esteem of an unfaithful boyfriend away. Believe me. My fianceée left me two days before my wedding for my cousin. I thought my world had ended but then I went to this place and I was cured instantly.”26

“Oh my, I’m sorry…” Kassandra frowned.27

“No need to be sorry, I really don’t care at all. Listen, here’s her card, just go along and hear her out.” The waitress handed Kassandra a small, pink card, which read ‘PERFECT BOYFRIEND INC.’ and included an address underneath. Kassandra looked up to thank the waitress but when she did, the woman was gone. Strange, I didn’t hear her leave… She glanced again at the card and laughed. ‘Perfect Boyfriend Inc.’, it sounded like a place that didn’t exist. She tucked the card away in her purse and headed home.28

A week passed of heartache, daytime soap operas and lots of ice cream and chocolate but Kassandra still couldn’t feel better about Stuart. He had called several times but she let the answering machine pick it up. It was when she was fumbling in her bag for her cigarettes that she found it again; the pink card that the waitress had given her. She stared at it for a while. Finally, she thought why not? What did she honestly have to lose?29

After much searching and asking for directions, Kassandra found the place that she was looking for. The shop, ‘Perfect Boyfriend Inc’ was located down an alleyway filled with other quaint and unusual shops such as ‘Mythical Creatures HQ’ and ‘Magic R Us’. How come she had never heard of this place before? Reluctantly, she opened the shop door. Her entrance was greeted by a strange melody, rather like a musical box. 30

The shop was brightly lit with pink lighting, pink walls and of course, pink carpet. There seemed to be little merchandise within the shop, all that it contained was a pink reception desk with a pink till and a handful of catalogues. Kassandra walked over to the desk and pressed the pink bell for assistance. Eventually, a tall, blond haired woman dressed all in pink yet again, walked over to her.31

“How can I help you?” She smiled.32

“Um, I was given this card…” Why am I here again? Kassandra wondered.33

“Ah, boyfriend trouble?” The woman winked knowingly.34

“How did you know?” 35

“It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that is something that I can definitely help you with.” The woman beckoned for Kassandra to follow her to the till, “okay tell me what the problem is…”36

“Well I spoke to this waitress and she said that you might be able to help me…”37

“That’s what I’m trying to do. Now tell me what your boyfriend did. Which category would you put him in; unfaithful, unpunctual, violent, workaholic, alcoholic, hard to train, unobservant and so on.” 38

Kassandra looked bewildered, “well I guess you could say that he was unfaithful, and maybe perhaps unpunctual and a workaholic…”39

“Ah it all makes sense now. He’s one of those types” The woman grinned and began keying something into the till.40

“What exactly is this for and what are you doing?” Kassandra looked puzzled.41

“I’m going to refund you for all the love that you gave him and in return I’m going to take back all the pain and anguish that he gave you. It’s sort of like an exchange programme.” She carried on as though everything was perfectly normal and this was something you do every day.42

“What are you gonna give me counseling or something?”43

“No, like I said, I’m going to do a refund.” The woman continued her keying until the till rang, “okay refund complete.”44

Kassandra felt a jolt pass through her body. Suddenly she no longer felt sad, lonely or depressed. Instead she felt hope and happiness. 45

“Wow…” Kassandra whispered.46

“I understand that the transaction was successful?” The woman asked.47

“How did you do that?” Kassandra was amazed.48

“I’m sorry but it’s against company policy to divulge our trade secrets. I assure you that the exchange is one hundred percent safe and that satisfaction is guaranteed. Now if I may suggest payment. A small donation is required if possible…”49

“Oh of course, of course… I’ve not felt this great since… since… since that time when I first started going out with Stuart!” Kassandra handed the woman a few notes, “thank you so much!”50

“You’re welcome. We’re also running a special promotion with our refund and exchange programme where if you spend over so much in the store, we’ll give you a new boyfriend absolutely free!”51

“Excuse me?!? A free boyfriend? Did I hear you right?”52

“Yes madam. If you’d just like to browse through our selection of catalogues you’ll see our wide range of boyfriends to choose from. Each one has all of the qualities that you are looking for and it is guaranteed that they wont let you down.” The woman checked the money that Kassandra had given her, “it looks like you’ve already spent more than enough anyway. Feel free to choose your free gift. We can have him wrapped and posted to you in the next seven to ten working days.”53

Kassandra began to flip through the catalogue; there were muscular blond-haired men, or taller dark-haired men with mysterious smiles. Finally, Kassandra settled on boyfriend number 26; Sam. He was a Virgo, aged 25, sandy blond hair, a lean body and a very nice smile. In the description it also said that his specialties were compliments, cooking and cleaning. Yep, he sounded perfect. Kassandra showed the woman in pink which one she wanted.54

“Ah good choice. You shouldn’t have any problems with this one. However if you get bored of him may I suggest that he’d make a very good maid or alternatively you can return him to the store.” 55

Kassandra grinned. This would surely be interesting…56

So here she was, standing on her doorstep with the rather large package. Ripping off the brown paper she saw her free gift, Sam. 57

“Hi, how are you? I’m Sam, nice to meet you,” Sam kissed Kassandra gently on the cheek, “may I say that you look really nice today. Would you like me to do the dishes or hoover the floors or would you rather we spend some quality time together?”58

Kassandra giggled. Yes, this would surely be interesting.59