Just another Day

Dear Diary.                                            April 5, 2004. 1

Today was just another day. The same as it always is. I feel like i write the same things every night and it gets me no where. I'm counting the days until I go back to school. I never thought i would say that you know but i am. Anything to take me away from her. I'm sick of her constant presence in my life. I know that sounds horrible but I just don't care about her anymore. She's not my mum. I hate this constant pretence, having to watch everything i say and do just to keep her happy. The whole world does not revolve around her and yet it has to for us. She needs help. Lyn told me about something called "Narcissistic personality disorder" a while ago. I told Dad and he brought it up with mum. Well you can imagine how that went down.  She was on the phone to dad at work all day, yelling, crying. It was horrible. I just wish it weren't like this. I wish she could see that she needs help, that she's not well. But she can't, i guess that's just part of the problem. She thinks there is nothing wrong and it frustrates me. I wish she could hear herself, the way she contradicts herself all the time. She changes everything she says to suit herself. She's deluded and paranoid and I hate it!! Argghh. I try not to let it get to me like Dad tels me too. I'm trying so hard to just concentrate on getting MY life back on track but it's so hard sometimes! Every day is the same, I come downstairs only to have have to listen to her list of complaints. She didn't sleep well, she's got a headache, an upset stomach. It just goes on and on. And I sit and nod and pretend to be sympathetic when the truth is i really don't give a damn! I know that sounds horrible, i hate myself for saying that but I can't help it. You can't make yourself love someone can you? I don't love her, I don't care about her at all. I know she's my mother - but she's never been my mum if you know what I mean. She's been the cause of most of my problems. As awful as that sounds it is true. Lyn knows it and she's a psychologist. She knows that mum's problems have hurt us a lot. And they continue to. Sarah has been really feeling it lately. It's hard on her and I hate it. I know how frustrated she gets knowing she could move out if it weren't for her illness. If it didn't affect so many aspects of her life, like driving she'd be out of here already. Of course she stays partly for Anna too. We both hate that Anna is growing up like this too. She doesn't deserve it, she's only six. Mum has no right to talk to her the way she does. She acts like Anna is an adult half the time and then treats her like a baby the rest. The other day when she and Dad were fighting, Anna got upset and mum told her "It's alright, Dad's just trying to blame me for everything." I wanted to scream at her for that!! Do you need anymore proof that she doesn't behave like a normal person?! You can't say that to a six year old! No mother could possible think that's OK. It's not; anyone can see that. Except her. She doesn't see anything she doesn't want to. She's killing me all over again and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't. Right now I keep telling myself to get through one more day at a time. Just another day.2