Dear Diary,1
Having had to explain the scratches on my ankles, and torn pant leg to my wife, I thought I'd record the incident which caused the afore mentioned injuries; If for no other reason than the future amusement of later generations.2
As it happens, I was wending my merry way through the village last night (on my bike) at about 10pm. As I came around a blind corner leading down into a cattle lane, some of the local yoofs (of the large and violent variety) were larking about in the centre of the road. Because I had to swerve sharply to avoid splitting one of them in half from the groin upward with my front wheel, I admonished him with a 3
"you fucking brainless tosspot, take your mates dick out of your mouth and get a fucking brain!", over my shoulder. 4
This caused much angst among the yoofs, and cries for my balls went up from the small crowd. 5
'Ha-ha' thought I, as I notched up a gear and sped into the dark. 6
This smugness was quickly replaced with bowel loosening terror as I heard the rattle-rattle-clank-spin of my chain parting company with it's gear teeth. On hearing the sound of the angry lynch mob in the near distance, it was all I could do to smash out my lights pick up my bike and flee into the woods, hoping for a tree suitable to hide up!7
Needless to say, tonight I went out wearing a false beard and glasses.8
Author notes
This is an actual excerpt from a letter from my father. He didn't keep a diary, but I've saved enough of his letters to feel as though he has. They have (as he's predicted) brought much amusement.
I hesitated about the language, but decided to leave it in, as I believe it adds to the scene and is the true voice of me dear old dad. I hope it doesn't offend.
Cheers,
Tilly
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Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Oh Tills, this really is brilliant and a vivid picture of your father was brought to mind. He'd be proud to know you've 'published' him.
I can't help but be reminded of the time your dog fell down the dunny hole and your dad had to fetch him out. Crikey, that man attracted disaster like shit calls to flies. No worries, though, because he always came out alright in the end, well, mostly. Seriously, though, this is a great write and I hope you'll share more of him in the future. Cheers for the humour- It did me good this morning.
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Hats off to you Dad...you see if it was me...i would have weighed the price of a bike for that of a new set of balls ( not to mention the latter being harder to explain if missing)...and left the bike in the road...your Dad...he must have a brass set...this was a very fun read...thanx for sharing...Peace Abel
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What a hillarious batch of vulgar truth. But aint that the way truth is? Either hillarious or vulgar or some version of the two? I for one am not offended and still profess that I would've loved your dad. After all, my vocabulary is very extensive; it extends from the profound to the profane!
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Delightful Tills...aint it funny how just when we think
we have the upper hand, fate swoops in for an equalizer
and reality check...damn straight.
Hugs...Eddy -
very funny
Wha whoooo, this is far too funny. Isn't it always the way. It is great to get those little glimpses of country life and memories of our parents. I think we miss far too much "personal" history.
Well done.
John -
Very humerous indeed. I enjoyed it!
Thanks for entering my contest. I'm sorry I took so long to read your entry! I was kind of busy. Anyway, good luck!
Kate
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FUNNY!
Wow! As soon as I get done laughing, I'll write something. BRB
OK... I'm back now. No wonder we all like you so much! You've got your dad's flair for words! I had a similar incident not too long ago after making a bee-line for a Doberman and then trying to zoom away when he flinched..... I'd have gotten away clean, except for the dammed chain jumping the sprocket! The one lesson that I learned from the entire incident is that pissed-off Dobermans do not negotiate with game! Fortunately, all I lost was the bottom third of one pants leg, and a sneaker. -
absolutely freakin' wonderful
ROFLMAO!
Oh....my....god! Tills, you just slay me, girl. I'm gonna write that diatribe down for future reference! This is the funniest thing I've read in forever. Thanks for the laugh. I SOOOOOO needed it today. 
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I wish my dad was like this. A funny letter writer, that is. Not the emailer he is, with the multiple question marks and saying, "of course I treat you differently, yer a girl!" Don't get me started. Oh I already did. Damn.
Funny presentation and story. -
Tilly, the language is fine -- particularly in that you can blame in your father, eh? I think it lends an air of (blue) authenticity.
Very humorous. I very nearly guffawed when chain came off. Sigh....the gods have a mean sense of humor.
Best of luck in the contest.
PS That is the funkiest pub I have ever seen. -
i can see those feet peddling
heart going boom boom boom. -
this really really reminds me of coffee-agh, you his daughter? i love the pic of the pub too, the perfect touch, i wannnaaa go!!!! (ill pass on the lynch mob though)
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How reserved he was to entreat the yoofs with such a plaintive restrain… under the circumstances I might have become somewhat aggressive in my language. A bit too good to waste on a private journal but it sounds like a very publishable/enjoyable book – especial the various events linked by your own perspective… Good stuff over Ozy. Oh, and good luck in the contest.
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