The danger of being Kind

There are some people who take it upon themselves to dole out ethical and moral advice upon unsuspecting, miserable victims. They find helping this way a charitable chore; akin to feeding the homeless or following restrictions on water usage during the year. They see it as a way to avoid hari-kari, perhaps even enough to dissuade God from putting one more peccadillo on their list. They fling themselves haphazardly into situations where their help in unnecessary and often enough unwanted.

The former Corporal Avery Miller was one such person. He was a noble character in a broad sense; one could easily imagine him donning armor and carousing around a pub, just on his way to fight dragons or giants or Vikings or other bibulously inebriated folk. He looked curious enough too; he had a ruddy complexion and a tall stature that made weaker men crumble at the mere sight of him. There was a rumor flitting about that he had only risen as far as he did in the military because of his height – an unbecoming rumor for so brave and valiant a man.

For a valiant and brave he was; he had fought nobly in several minor wars, as best he could. But now, for the most part, he sat around his porch watching people pass by, immobile and removed from their youthful struggles. He would shake his head, and mutter his old-fashioned opinions, such as “civilization is going to pieces” and things of that nature. True as that may be, saying things like that did nothing to endear himself to his neighbors.

He liked to go “on patrol” – that is to say, he went in his car, meandering about, to make sure the world was just as dysfunctional as when he left it alone in the first place.

One day, he was out shopping, and in a reflecting mirror saw a diminutive man pick something out of the shelf, and pocket it.

Corporal Miller strode over, looking the small, weasel-faced man over as he marched.

“Why’d you take that?” he asked, smoothly avoiding the unneeded conversation that would normally precede such an accusation.

“Pa-Pardon me, sir?”

“I saw you remove something from that shelf! Put it back at once, unless you want me to make you.”

The small man looked frightened, but shook his head.

“No –you don’t understand –“

“I understand well enough, young man! You stole something! If you need money you should ask someone, get a job – not steal!”

“I wasn’t stealing –“

“So what do you call it,” he thundered, “when you steal? Borrowing? Leasing? Using without permission? Sponging?”

“Sir, please contain yourself –I can explain –calm down please –“

“Explain it to the clerk!” he roared, flushing indiscriminately across his entire face. He clapped the man on the back, and dragged the protesting man towards the front of the store.

A bored-looking cashier stood near the front, staring up at the clock.

“I saw this boy – this young man – steal something, and he refuses to admit it! Call the police!”

“That really won’t be necessary – I can put it back if you want –“

“I want you to admit that you stole it.”

The small man took a deep breath.

“Ok, I took it.”

The Corporal walked around, circling him like a bird of prey.

“And?” he asked, looming closer and eyeing him with great severity

The small man lost his temper.

“I didn’t steal it! I own this store, I was just trying to see if the security cameras work! That’s all, please – please don’t call the cops, sir. You can have anything you like here, just…just leave, ok?” he finished, looking very scared indeed and eying the corporal’s bulk in a terrified manner.

The Corporal stopped moving. His breath stopped fuming out. It rather looked like he was going to have a heart attack, or scream some more. The cashier nodded towards the small man.

“Yeah, that’s my boss,” he said, before chewing another stick of ruby-red gum.

“Oh.”

And with that, the former Corporal Miller left the store.

When asked about it later, he would shake his head, and start mumbling the wisdom that comes with age under his breath, shaking his fist at nothing in particular. He had nothing more to say on the matter, except that he was only trying to help, and that kids today really should grow more brains and warn people if they were doing diagnostic tests on equipment – that would just be common courtesy, after all.