Me and my lucky iguana were cruising down the interstate on a motorcycle we built from scratch. The motorcycle resembled a Harley Davidson the way a dead camel resembles a majestic stallion, but that's a horse of a different color. It was a special motorcycle. We'd fitted it with an exact replica of the flux capacitor (from Back to the Future) that the iguana regurgitated last week. His talents never cease to amaze me.
This was no joyride. We were on a mission, a mission from God. At least he said he was God. He smelled like booze and slept in the subway. God warned us that the past was going to kill us if we didn't act quickly. The iguana and I, being deeply religious, heeded God's words and set out to assassinate the past.
So there we were, nearing 88 miles per hour, carrying an arsenal worthy of Arnold Schwarzenegger on a motorcycle worthy of Homer Simpson. Just to be safe, I had a case of spare iguanas slung over my shoulder (mine tend to be short-lived), and I had just bent over to see if I'd given them air holes (the iguana was steering) when we collided with a DeLorean that was also going 88 miles per hour. There was a loud "KACHING!" as if God had just fired us out of his cash register and refunded us several thousand years.
Miraculously, I was unharmed. The motorcycle was still a piece of junk. The iguana had fused with the driver of the DeLorean (I affectionately nicknamed him Marty McLizard) and was teaching himself to walk. The rest of the iguanas were dead (my fault, I had forgotten the air holes after all). Nearby, a large road sign read "Welcome to the year 59! Rome: 5 miles, any direction." We were about to set out in any direction when we spotted a Hooters and decided that the past could wait.
The waitress who brought our wings had to struggle to keep her shirt from bursting open. The reason became apparent when two wingless owls poked their heads out of her collar and begged us to free them. The man at the table across from us ordered their immediate execution. As the waitress took them to the kitchen (to be cooked alongside the Christians), we moved to his table and struck up a conversation.
His name was Nero. Apparently he was the king-emperor-tyrantosaurus of Rome. The way he explained it, that's like a president with a license to kill. We told him about the future, how everything had gone to Hell and he should make the best of the present, since soon there wouldn't be a past either. We were getting along pretty well (the owl cutlets were delicious) until I made a joke about his leaf-hat.
Nero sentenced us to death and imprisonment (not necessarily in that order) and threw us in the dungeon to await our doom. Our doom was delivered later that day (on a silver platter, no less) by Nero himself. He'd specially prepared poisoned mushrooms for us (see Martha Stewart Living, issue 145) and the effort showed. I felt guilty when I had to tell him about my mushroom allergy. Unfortunately, Marty's iguana instincts kicked in and he quickly devoured the whole plate (only the plate, he didn't like mushrooms either). But because of his immunodeficiency condition the silver platter quickly triggered an accelerated silver-toxicity reaction that left Marty convulsing on the floor. Nero rushed to the first aid kit (which consisted of leeches and a primitive defibrillator) but froze when he saw Marty's chest bulge. It went in and out, in and out, until suddenly there were tiny, blood-soaked iguanas flying from his chest in all directions. The mighty Nero screamed like a little girl and fainted like an even littler one.
I marched out of the dungeon with a baby iguana army at my heels. We found the cache of weapons I'd brought and prepared to make history history. The Roman guards never knew what hit them (literally, they had no idea what a machine gun was back then). Most of them were dead before they knew they were being attacked (and even then they weren't entirely sure). When no one was looking, I started the Great Fire of Rome five years early. Soon, Nero was ready to surrender. He offered us a cruise in the boat he built specially for his mother in exchange for mercy and a machine gun. It seemed like a fair deal (although we had to take his mother with us).
We hadn't gone very far when I noticed that the boat (coincidentally named The Pretitanic) was constructed entirely of paper, which was rapidly becoming soggy. Once I passed out the life jackets (also made of paper), we all abandoned ship and swam safely to shore where Nero was pouting grumpily. His mother grounded him for trying to kill her, so he tried to kill her again. Unfortunately, he had terrible aim and killed half of his advisors, several baby iguanas, and a couple of olives that were in the wrong story at the wrong time. His mother double-grounded him.
Nero begged us to do something about his mother, so I taught her how to ride the motorcycle. She learned quickly, and as soon as I could, I turned on the flux capacitor and bailed out. The motorcycle vanished, leaving only a streak of flames. Nero rewarded me with his throne, and as the new king-emperor-tyrantosaurus, I ordered that the past be put to death for conspiring against me. Before it could be done, God appeared with a shopping cart full of paper bags. He yelled at me for sending Nero's mother back to the beginning of time, where she had usurped his throne. If we didn't stop her, everything would be destroyed (and grounded without supper). So me, Nero, and a dozen little iguanas climbed into God's shopping cart and flew back to the beginning of time.
Unfortunately, God was using Mapquest. We got lost. By the time we arrived at the beginning of time, it was too late. Arnold Schwarzenneger and Gallagher were already there. We watched from the splatter section as Gallagher smashed Nero's mother with his massive hammer. Arnold was busy implementing a new form of universal government (which he cleverly named an Arnoldocracy) and religion (which he cleverly named Schwarzenism) that were both entirely based on an amalgamation of catch phrases he had used in the past (although technically this was before the past, and the (future) past as we know it was going to be altered with the probable effect that Arnold would never be born) and campaign slogans he had planned for the future (although technically if the (future) past was never going to happen, then the (future) past's future wasn't likely to happen either, and...forget it, time paradoxes are confusing).
Everything changed. Several parts of the universe were unable to cope with the physics of "Hasta la vista, baby" and imploded. History followed an entirely different course, but yielded virtually the same results (the Holocaust still happened, the Titanic still sank, Al Gore was still boring). God moved to California, where he became governor (Gary Coleman was a close second) and began acting in such movies as "South Park VS. Predator", "The DaVinci Code 2", and "The Last Temptation of the Pope". I discovered the Garden of Eden, where Gallagher and I cultivated an iguana farm. We lived happily ever after until I choked on a watermelon seed and died.
The end.
Author notes
True story. I was there. If you don't believe me, ask the iguanas.
A contest entry
- History... by Lukkieight.
270 points, ended January 25, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best friends by Melli.
183 points, ended January 29, 2007, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Travel by beezy92.
175 points, ended February 8, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Laugh Out Loud Story/Poem by Hopeh .
100 points, ended March 12, 2007, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything! by schizophrenic.
175 points, ended April 6, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Animal That Turns Into A Person That Saves The World by kkz2343.
185 points, ended April 13, 2007, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Strictly Humor by Kitzwa.
350 points, ended April 23, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Best by Delfishie.
175 points, ended June 16, 2007, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fun with History by Bitter Irony.
450 points, ended July 18, 2007, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Time Traveling Tales by Mallig.
300 points, ended October 30, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For the Love of Movies by NightVixen.
275 points, ended October 24, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Mushroom Land Contest: Can you make me laugh? by Paigie.
130 points, ended September 19, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please be careful when time traveling
Comments
1 - 64 of 64
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Delightful
Marx Brothers meet Douglas Adams. Can't tell you how much I enjoyed this story..or will enjoy this story..or..anyway this is clearly the product of acid flashbacks, yours or someone else's (Go ahead, test my urine! I mean make my day!). It's like an old Beach Boy song, Fun, Fun, Fun. Dude, you are seriously off the hook. Thanks for a riotous entertainment.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Grazi, grazi. That's quite high praise. And might I add that a professor of mine was actually the one who wrote the line, "Go ahead, make my day."
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Haha
This for sure cheered me up. The iguanas make me happy 
Arnold?? AWESOME! xD!
Thankfs for enetering my contest and good luck
Paigie
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Ingenious! This is so entertaining and funny. You have a sharp wit and keen sense of humor. Thank you for entering this piece. It is hilarious.
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This is one of those stories that is so ever-loving zany, yet it all totally makes sense. Thanks for writing the best oxy-moron ever!
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Brilliant, cliche-ridden, metaphorical fun
I grinned the whole way through this wonderful romp through celeb-history and surrealist humour. You should turn this into a stand-up comedy routine. You're completely mad, in the best possible way! Well done.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, characters: 3.
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I wish I came along for the ride. Your iguanas are mega hot.
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WOW!
I really loved this, it is so rare to read something that makes you laugh out loud. Absurd, ridiculous, nonsensical... all in a very good way. And best of all, extremely well written! I don't think time travel has ever been used by an iguana on a homemade motorcycle before, and perhaps never again. Therefore I feel honored to have witness this singular moment in literary history. Thank you for entering my contest, and thanks for the chuckles! 
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I like it.
"a president with a license to kill" I think the US already has one.
Where does Gallagher come from? -
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From the netherworlds of shadows, vortexes, and watermelons.
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I think
I went out with her. No wait, those weren't vortexes, they were Kotexes. The watermelon part sounds right though. It was yicky. -
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Erm
You must have...interesting...taste in "women".
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First of all, you're supposed to capitalize Iguana. Besides that, I think that this was well written, with a good story and good grammar to go along with it.
I hope that you continue to post stories on this site. I will certainly be reading them. Keep up the great work! -
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Capitalize iguana?
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Lol Arnaldoism......
Very funny, crazy, but I like crazy. Yep, crazy is good. Iguanna's thier should be more stories about Iguana's, most randomest thing in the world.
I like gods new looks, and cant wait to get in line f=or "South Park vs Predator"
Very funny book thing.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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How Bazaar
Bazaar but funny and clever. I can't imagine how that ball must bounce around in your brain. You put a number of combinations together I would never have thought of. -
Oh goodness, that was very very very very very very very very funny. My favorite parts included:
He'd specially prepared poisoned mushrooms for us (see Martha Stewart Living, issue 145) and the effort showed.
and
Unfortunately, God was using Mapquest. We got lost.
IT WAS HILARIOUS.
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Well...it's funny. I'll give you that. :-) I've actually got some tears in my eyes right now, though that may be from my iguana allergy.
I'm not sure it really fits with theme from my contest--the speculative element leans more towards science fiction than fantasy or horror--but it was certainly entertaining. Thanks for the entry, and good luck! -
wow
So THIS is where they got the phrase, "May the Schwartz be with you." Hee!
Cute random story. Made me want to buy an iguana. Or read the comic "Foxtrot" since there's an iguana in it.
Wow. "Iguana" is the hardest word the type more than once. I keep misspelling it and then backspacing to correct it. Darn it to hey.
Enjoyable story. A bit plot-less, but cute and iguana-licious. -
Damn you have a lot of trophies. This was strange, very very strange,but I think I liked it. Oh and ermm "Me and my lucky iguana"
I think My lucky iguana is grammatically correct, but I'm probably wrong. -
Very nice story! Congradulations on winning gold twice and winning silver three times! This was really funny.
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CHOKE ON A WATERMELON SEED>? HASNT HE HEARD OF WATER?????? -
YAH!!!!!!!! I love this story! EEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's soooooo cool!! I love it. Espacially the iguanas. Hee!Hee!
Good luck in the contest!
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I thought this was really funny. A little choppy at the beginning, but funny nonetheless. (I think it's one word) Anyway, I never saw the old ending, but this one definitely works. Again I have to say, we seem to have the same sense of humor. Good luck in my contest.
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If I didn't know better, I'd say I don't believe you.
BLOODY HILARIOUS!!!
I LOVE IT!!!
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hahahah
what random humor. its oretty funny. keep up the good work
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this was very funny I thought it was good, you have a sense of humor, keep up the good work
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Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
I love your random sense of humor - not many people can do it well, but you certainly do.
I generally try to include some sort of constructive criticism in a comment - something that can be improved, but...the only thing I can think of is to maybe make this longer, and that's just because I enjoyed it so much! lol
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This is hilarious
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WOW
This is the FUNNIEST entry I have read in my contest. I couldn't keep my eyes away from it! ^_^ (This story is tottaly a keeper!)
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I pissed my pants from laughing so hard
Dude go to Comedy centrol or something I mean raelly dude that story was the shiznazz. So did you like get any say in how the new time played out. If not what a ripoff. Wait is this the first time or the second time space univers thingie. Oh yah... time paradoxes are a bitch. So great story man you kick patucky.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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awesome
I've read alot of history about nero (in fact he's in one of my stories) but none of those things were in the books LOL ... I wish i could write humor, You're really good at it.
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The books don't always tell the whole story, you'll have to trust me on this one. I mean how many of the book writers were actually there? I didn't see any of them.
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ok, this made me laugh until my sides hurt. it was wonderfully written, occasionally confusing, and really funny. i'm not really sure how you could write this and not get confused eventually but you seemed to stay on track. other than that it flowed really well, and was entertaining. one of the best stories i've ever read.
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Loved it
It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm laughing. This was a funny read and I didn't realize it was a contest entry, I was just reading to combat insomnia and maybe get sleepy. That isn't going to happen for awhile now! I really enjoyed reading it, I love the humor, and I'll look for more of your work.
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Pretty funny ... and well written great job
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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You are insanely.. insane.
I like it.
Now, if I was a psychiatrist, I would advise:
a] lay off the drugs
b] stop reading so much Douglas Adams and
c] make your iguanas grow gills.
[Not that the gills are rally necessary. They'd just be cool. Kinda like tiny Godzillas..]
Noise&&Kisses
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ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Good write! I liked it and it held my attention... I can see why it won in two contests!
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This was a great story! I can see why you won silver and congrats on your win. I can't believe this was a true story Wow!
Kari -
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Totally true. You should come next time. Although I'm legally obligated to warn you that we'll all probably die.
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I wonder how many iguanas you have...
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Either more than you can imagine, or one really stubborn one.
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lol... I'd prefer more than I can imagine...
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i loved the title
i hope this doesn't offend you but the hole reason i even started to reaqd it was because of the title. wait how could that offened you? anyway great story -
i'm begining to get the feel of the hitchhikers to the guide to the galaxy books.. is douglas adams one of your inspirations?
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I feel so proud when people compare me to Douglas Adams. Yes, he is one of my inspirations, possibly the biggest. Thank you for noticing.
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Hmm
Somehow I think that you made this ending to somehow spite me, I mean putting the Garden of Eden in there. It was still good but I think the old ending might have been better, I'm still kinda deciding on it.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I actually didn't, but I should have. Is it too late?
The old ending was just a couple sentences and didn't really tie things up. But you're entitled to your opinion as long as it coincides with mine.
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Ahh. Wow. Still hilarious, and I love the new ending. I think you should go see a counselor because you seem to die a lot. If you're feeling depressed want a hug? I'll ask someone else to do it. Anyways! Good job, this still cracked me upside down and sideways.
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Too Funny.
This just had me cracking up the entire time. I hope you win in your contest. It's an extremely, rib busting, laughing experience. I think I shall put this in my favourites. Awesome write. This is something that would put a smile on any face at any time. I love it.
Another Sad Song.
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hehe
funny and creative i like it (= -
You make history origional...
Which is pretty F***ing hard to do, you see. This story was a riot, but now that you've established a theme, I gotta ask--do you REALLY have an iguana? My iguana never acted like this....
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The iguana store won't sell them to me anymore.
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VERY GOOD
I find myself most comfortable reading and writing humor. If I'm any judge, you "got the right stuff," or in other words you are definitly full of it - er I mean talent for writing humor. I would suggest that if you want to appeal to a wider readership, to refine your story's content, something I have a problem with myself sometimes, where I want to go for the joke - regardless of how crazy or off the wall it is. What I really liked though was you are not stiff or confined in your humor or the way you used your creativity. I will look forward to reading more of your stuff.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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............. Okaaay, it was a little strange until I read that it was supposed to be a humor and then I started laughing hystically there ware many really good parts like the mother grounding Nero. and the choking on a watermelon seed threw me off balance and the Martha Stewart Living thing was really funny and the Mapquest. In general the entire thing was hysterical.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I was supposed to join the "History..." contest but then I figured it would be difficult to make history interesting you succceeded, and with "flying colors" too I know only a little about Nero (something about him being evil) but here, I'm able to see him under a different light. The absolute randomness (the owls, the paperboat I can't quote everything here, could I???) of everything just had me laughing ^_^
Laughter just seems to come easily to you (I've read a couple of your works already) and your seemingly boundless imagination is reflected on each bit. Hell, your stuff are funnier than most of the comedians in this country COMBINED. I hope you continue to share more of these (laughter and creativity) through your works.
Good luck with the contest and thank you for this read!
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Excellent.
This is very funny, I love the pacing and humour.
Very funny.
All the best.
jsdk
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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F-ing HILARIOUS!
Omg, this story had me laughing the whole time. The ending was so funy and ironic. There's not much to say other than I liked it a lot and I hope to read more of your stories! This one is WAY to funny... I love it! -
Funny! I like it, there were tons of parts that made me laugh. I liked how you put history in ur story, but twisted it around it make it funny. It was a very odd, ad weird story, but it was pretty good. Great job, kkeep up the good work, and good luck in the contest!
-runaway-love! <33 -
Hilarious
I must say, I laughed out loud a great many times reading this. The first of which was at "His talents never cease to amaze me."
Very bizarre, and very random, and well written for it's purpose. It kept a good pace and kept the action coming throughout, though the ending lost just a little bit of the pace kept throughout the rest.
And clearly, this is an accurate portrayal of the life of Nero
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3, characters: 3.
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Wow. Funny. I cant beleive that you didnt add in any of Nero's gay orgys though. I was almost disappointed. Even though this is a anonymous contest, I know who you are I think that this was hilarious, once again. There wasnt a lot of historical action going on though. Still, I liked it.
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Ah, I forgot all about the gay orgies! But I did have historical stuff, like the poisoned mushrooms he tried to kill people with, and the collapsible boat he tried to kill his mother with (but failed because she could swim, so he had to send some people to kill her). I might have changed a couple things. I'm thinking about an alternate ending, because history has a lot of those.
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Interesting
Well you sure did make history interesting to say the least. This was good, I liked the most how you related it to past stories and things like that. Lot of popular references in there too. This was a really great story but I'm a little worried about God being Nero's mom. I have to ask the question, did Nero and the iguanas ever retake the past?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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