Chapter 1.
Yori tried to call out to Ryuu; to warn him. The noise of the war was deafening. Almost all you could hear were screaming and yelling; it was horrible.
Ryuu was fighting another vampire; the vampire was losing.
Yori watched as the vampire pleaded to Ryuu from the ground. Ryuu wasn't one to forgive; especially a Tyvarian.
Ryuu extended his long nails. He bent down, so that his face was level with the vampire. Yori could see him speaking to him.
Then Ryuu grabbed the vampire by the neck, and stuck his nails into his chest. He pulled them out swiftly, and let go of the vampire; dropping him to the ground.
‘He couldn't hear me,’ Yori thought, brushing his long, blond hair away from his charcoal eyes. Once the sun hit his face, his eyes immediately turned a shade of silver.
He pulled his black cloak tighter around himself. Even though vampires being killed from sunlight was pure myth, he still hated light. In addition to that, the sun hurt his eyes.
He began to run toward Ryuu. He could not let anything happen to him; he promised.
A vampire came close to knocking Yori over as he lunged at him, nails fully extended.
He just stopped, grabbing the vampire by the scruff of his shirt and punching him square in the face, onto the floor; knocking him out.
He continued running.
He was nearly five feet from him when he noticed a tall vampire in a large dark red cloak; approaching Ryuu; the enemy. He ran faster.
“No!” Yori cried.
The vampire looked up at him. An evil grin formed upon his pale face and he opened his hand to reveal a large hole in his palm, within it, shards of bone sticking out. It almost looked like teeth; long, sharp teeth.
Yori reached Ryuu, but the Vampire got their first and pushed Ryuu back, knocking him clear into unconsciousness. Then, the Vampire began to move his hand toward Ryuu’s heart, arching his fingers, and sticking out his long sharp nails.
“No! Not Ryuu! Don’t harm him! Why him?! Why not me? Why not-” Yori's words were put to a halt.
At this the Vampire looked up at him.
“This is not about him. This is about you.”
He proceeded to trace a circle on Ryuu’s chest, around where his heart would be. The vampire hunched over Ryuu’s body, ready to perform the task. He ripped open Ryuu’s shirt and positioned his nails around his heart, as he had done before.
He prepared to push his hand down.
He was instantly knocked onto his back by Yori, who held the Vampire’s wrists up near his head; his face inches from the vampire; his stare burning into him.
“You will not hurt Ryuu,” he gritted his teeth. “If you want him, you will have to kill me first!”
“Don’t you understand by now?” said the Vampire. “It doesn’t matter what you say or do. I will still complete the task. This is for you. This is not for my pleasure…."
"Well..." he laughed, “…maybe it kind of is, in a way.” He smiled a cruel, heartless smile.
“I don’t understand. Why after all of the things you did to me; the letters, the followers, the attempts to destroy me… And why are you choosing now, in the middle of a war, to get revenge on me, and not to mention attempt to kill him. I mean, how is this deserved?!”
“What makes you think you don’t deserve this?”
Yori was getting frustrated; he was talking about Ryuu not him!
“Maybe you think I deserve this! Whether I do or not is irrelevant. However, he does not!!”
“You’ll realize my ways…,” the Vampire pushed him off of him with surprising strength.
“…through time…,” he continued. He looked at Yori, his eyes turning black. Then, he proceeded towards Ryuu. Yori tried to move but an invisible force held him firmly to the ground.
“…and consequence.” finished the Vampire coldly. He returned his hand to the arched position on Ryuu’s bare chest. Then, he pushed his hand down, his nails breaking the skin, forming a circle, like he had earlier.
Once his palm touched Ryuu’s chest he instantly awoke, screaming in pain and agony; his back arching into the Vampire’s hand; the veins in his neck clearly visible.
He kept screaming, the sound tearing away at Yori; cutting deep wounds into his heart, and psychologically binding him to his own faults.
He promised nothing would happen to Ryuu. And they promised to be together always, after the war. And now it is over. What could he possibly have to live for now. He had been hurt too many times. Now he understood clearly. He realized the Vampire’s cruel ways; his selfishness; his way of revenge; for him to torture Yori with one of his only fears…
It was a while ago, but it was still so clear in his mind. Seeing a loved one die; his strongest fear. During the last Vampiric War, over a century ago, he had lived with his mother. (His father had died from disease just two weeks after Yori was born.) This war was one of the worst. Hundreds of Vampires from the opposing clan, who were not qualified to fight in the war, swept into their town. They did horrible things. They broke into houses…killed anyone they pleased…or merely tormented others. They felt that since they couldn’t fight, they still needed to show their support for the clan.
Two vampires broke into Yori’s house in the clear daylight. His mother was severely ill, and was in bed. Yori had been very worried about her; he didn’t want to lose her too, like he had his father.
He was keeping her company and talking to her when the bedroom door flew off its hinges, startling them both. Two male vampires walked in.
One of them tried to grab his mother and pull her out of bed.
She fell to the floor. Yori immediately got in front of her.
One of the vampires had short black hair, the other one long and silver. The silver-haired vampire knelt down in front of Yori, who, in turn, blocked his mother, tears forming in his eyes.
“I will not hurt you, I promise,” said the vampire in a slow calm voice. “My name is-,”
“I don’t care what your name is!!” yelled Yori. “I know you are a Tyvarian and all you want to do is cause trouble!!” Yori pushed him back; the vampire surprisingly almost losing his balance.
The calmness in the vampire vanished.
“Fine, you want it done that way, do you?” He grabbed Yori and flung him across the room. Yori hit the wall and fell to the ground; his head began to bleed.
Then the vampire turned to Yori’s mother. She looked at him, scared and defenseless.
“Aren’t you so lucky to have a son who loves you as much as Yori does,” he said with a sly smile.
“How do you know my name?!!” yelled Yori, uneasily getting to his feet. The vampire merely signaled to the other vampire, who pushed him back to the ground. He hit the floor, quite uncomfortably.
The silver-haired vampire continued to torment her.
“Well, it’s simply too bad that he can’t do anything to help you now, isn’t it?”
Yori just watched, terrified of what he was going to do to his mother. The vampire moved a little closer to her.
“Therefore I suggest that you do whatever I tell you without question.” She nodded solemnly.
“You are to look at me when I am speaking to you!” he said in a harsh tone.
She looked at him. Those innocent, pleading eyes…
He smacked her across the face, her chestnut hair flying out of its ponytail.
She did not make a sound. A tear just fell down her red cheek.
He gave another signal to the other vampire, who grabbed a hold of Yori’s wrists and held them behind his back.
“Lay back, onto the floor,” said the silver-haired vampire; she did so.
Then, he opened his hand, his palm, and released his long nails.
“I make this sacrifice, as a gift, to our lord, Tyvarias…,” he prayed.
He traced a vein down her neck with his cold finger. She shivered. He arched his hand above her heart…
“Why?!” screamed Yori. “Why Ryuu?!!” he cried in hysterics.
The vampire removed his hand, blood dripping from his palm. He stood up and stared at Yori, his eyes growing black once more.
Then, he vanished into the air, leaving Ryuu there…dead; with a large hole in his chest where his heart had been.
Yori, finding the force gone, scrambled to his feet and ran over to Ryuu. He leaned over him, not sure what to do.
But then, he reached down and closed Ryuu’s eyes, a tear dropping onto his face.
He traced the side of Ryuu’s face, wiping away the tear, and gave him a small kiss.
“I will always, love you.”
Author notes
Option 3. ^___~
A contest entry
- WRITE ME A LOVE STORY OR POEM. by robert davidson.
175 points, ended March 25, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Easier than 2+2 by On.Cue.
300 points, ended March 31, 2007, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Looking in... by EtherealButterfly.
350 points, ended March 21, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I'll Read Anything by Kitzwa.
200 points, ended April 7, 2007, 50 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT A GOOD CLIFFHANGER!! by Taylor Renee.
145 points, ended April 16, 2007, 74 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - GIVE ME SOME VAMPIRE STORIES!!!!! by Blackwings.
265 points, ended April 25, 2007, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Random Options by Rini.
375 points, ended October 8, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please please please please please comment me!!! ^_^
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
-
Very interesting and original. the jump from where you were talking about his mother to where you were talking ryuu was a bit confusing, but then I immediately figured out what was going on and I liked it. It was kind of like a scene from a movie. I loved that you described everything so that I could see everything.
Thanks for entering! ^_^ -
a little confusing at certain parts but i loved it all the same ^_^
-
Yaynesss!!!! Vampire wars!!!! What an exciting story
I loved the way you described everything and it made it exciting Nicely done and good luck
-
For the most part it was very well written. Excellent description, but a little hard to follow at times. Keep working at it, it's almost there.
-
good
An exciting story of war with vampires and the love of one willing to sacrifice himself to save others. Thank you for entering my contest. I enjoyed reading.
Robert Davidson. -
oh, and just another suggestion, the background doesn't really work well with the font color... but i dunno, it could just be me ^^
-
A good start! ^^
I like the premise of the story and your characters. I quite like how you portrayed the silver haired vampire! Dark, mysterious, evil.
Just a slight note, I agree with DemolitionxLovers, the story does get slightly confusing at times, regarding who's talking when and who's doing what, more so in the beginning, but you ended really well ^^
Going to read the second chapter ^^
-
So I get the basic plot and idea of this whole story but if I was asked about a certain part of a story, I wouldn't be able to explain very well. You were using pronouns a lot and that can be very confusing to the readers if there is more than one character that could be a 'him'. So if you think it's going to confuse the readers, say something after the pronoun to indicate who the pronoun is referring to or just flat out use the name.
You had few grammar errors in there but other than that, I think that this a a good idea--it's not everyday that people write about such stories.
Good job and thanks for enterign my contest =] -
It is a credit to your genius, a triumph of your will....
IT'S OKAY!!! -
Good.
I know you hate when everything's one huge paragraph, but don't break the story up every sentence or two. I'd suggest either combining the sentences into bigger paragraphs, or adding more details.
It's also really short. Not really a chapter by most definitions (although I have seen chapters that are only two words in published books, but... I'm not gonna let you get away with that).
Maybe add more to this chapter? -
Great
It was alittle bit confusing. You have to tell more on where they are. I had gotten lost between the mother and and Ryuu.
beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
-
I love vampire stories! I really enjoyed this read, it was fast paced, and action filled.
Very good job with detailing, it was all relevant to the story line, and I felt like I could have been there, in the story. I can't wait to read more.
Since this is your finsished masterpeice, I hope you don't mind me pointing out some technical mistakes. (sorry) There was only two things in the whole story that I found.
'He was keeping her company and taking to her when..' - taking should be talking I think.
'whiping away the tear, and gave him a small kiss.' - should be 'whiping away the tear and giving him a small kiss.'
Please let me know when you write more
-
-
Thank you so much for the comment! It really makes me smile when I find someone who liked my writing. And I shall fix those mistakes, thank you!
-
-
This is better than the last time I read it. Reading the comments below I notice that Totem gives some very sound advice. She's laid it out rather nicely. Better than I could do.
-
-
>_>;
I'm glad.
-
-
Oh, *man! No fair. That's an extremely *bad thing. You need to update. Post another chapter. For closure, y'know?
-
Yori tried to call out to him; to warn him. [who is him?]
“No!” Yori cried. [it's own paragraph]
The vampire looked up at him [start new paragraph]
“No! Not Ryuu! Don’t harm him[start new paragraph and identify who is speaking]
easiest way to say this is each time a person speaks put it in its own paragraph.... like this
he said
she said
for example. that makes it easier.
your dialogue later on flows well.
you have too many different ideas flowing through paragraphs. One thought or idea per paragraph adds emphasis to what you're saying
you need more description of the characters, it adds depth to the story and to the characters themselves.
hope this helps. You've got an interesting idea run with it. Don't be afraid of detailing. if you're worried about overdoing the details take a look at a column I wrote here. It'll give you an idea of too much, and too little. plus a happy medium. at least on that subject. Good luck. -
-
Thankyou!
Thank you so much for a comment that can HELP ME to improve this. I'm so glad I asked you. I knew it would help me in the end!! XD;
-
-
a story with bite ;-) barum pshht
well, I liked the premise. Vampiric war, can only ever be a good thing. The story would indeed be a good standalone insofar as it has a pretty good twist at the end. And vampires are so damn sexy, after all (thumbs up)beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
-
^_^ omg
Omg thanks! A good comment! One I can actually smile at and say I didn't suck so much....And yes they are sexy. especially since they are both boys.... ; )
-
-
I liked it.
It was somewhat hard to follow but I got it.
Sooo they were 'lovers' I knew it! Good write.
~Gaby~
-
I'm sorry. This was a little hard for me to follow. The basic story is good and sound. I find your action sequences very enjoyable.You have a vision here that I would very much like to read but I have the sense that you wrote this very quickly. I think, with a bit of editing this could very good.
-
-
: )
Thank you for your comment. I started to Expand the Chapter on paper...there were some things I found that needed adding. But I'm glad it was okay. This is my first vampire story alone. My last were with another person...(which I have yet to get back *shakes fist in the air*) XD -
-
cool. I'd like to read your revisions when they're ready. let me know.
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 25 of 25
