These Things I've Realised

“I believe my heart it believes in you, it’s telling me that what I see is completely true.”

At the moment my itunes library is on shuffle and that song just started to play. It’s not a song I ever really liked if I’m honest, but it made me want to write this, it gave me the need to write this.

I guess that no matter how young or old you are there are always things you’d wished you’d said, wished you’d done differently, so here we go, here’s a few of the things I’ve recently realised, a few of the things I should have said so long ago.

This is written to and about and for various people, they may be able to recognise themselves, or they may not. I don’t know if it really matters if they do.

The first thing I need to say is that I don’t know if you recognise that song or if it has any meaning to you, but that song always makes me think of you. I think it’s time that I say thank you, for everything that you did for me, I think at the time you were the only person I actually listened to, you have no idea how much I needed a friend like you at that time. Thinking back I know now that I didn’t love him, I was frustrated at not being able to find out the things I so desperately wanted to find out, I was frustrated that somebody I considered to be a friend had walked out of my life and that frustration turned into missing him and within that whole range of emotions I decided I must have been in love. I wasn’t.

“I’m sorry for blaming you, for everything I just couldn’t do.”

I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you; sorry for everything I put you through, for all the insults, for all the arguments, for all the games I dragged you into and I’m sorry for not appreciating everything you did for me at the time. I’ve recently realised how hard it is to listen to someone, to watch them throw their life away, to watch them fall apart, to watch them destroy the person that you once knew in them, I’ve recently realised how soul destroying and how painful that is. Thank you because you were the only one prepared to do that, to put yourself through that and for that I owe you the world. I can’t describe to you the reasons why I’m saying these things, part of me is hoping you won’t recognise yourself in this, but these are things I should have said so long ago. Thinking back within all the crazy games you were the closest I ever came to being in love, because you were my best friend, you were everything I needed and I will always be glad that I took that second chance, I will never regret that. In hindsight I think we can both agree it worked out for the best, my one regret is that once it went wrong I continued to play games, in that period of time I hadn’t realised how much I’d previously valued your friendship, there’s always going to be things that we know about each other, there’s always going to be a history there and I hope that for at least the near future there will always be a friendship there. Thank you for all the times you were there, if you ever need me then I’ll be here, I promise you that.

Secondly I need to say that I don’t miss you as much as I ever thought I would, you’re still one of my best friends, still the person that I like to confide in, but our relationship has changed. You believe that I’m in love with you; I’m not. I doubt I ever was, you were my best friend and I loved you for that, but our relationship was far too complicated for anything else. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe our relationship to anybody that asks, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe it to myself. I don’t regret that time, I don’t regret what we felt, but I don’t regret letting things get in the way of that, I don’t regret playing games with you. You made me the person I am today, I have no doubt about that, you made me this way, whether that’s a good thing or not will remain to be seen, but for that I thank you. There were so many times you were there without you even realising, I would trust you with my life and I know that if I needed you then you’d be right by my side. I hope that you understand that I have my life back now; I hope you understand that in these seven months I’ve started again and got on with my life and I hope you understand that no matter what happens I will always count you as one of my best friends. I don’t think I could’ve got through the past few months without you. People change, things change, feelings change, times moves on, life goes on and I will always love you.

Thirdly I need to say how much I’ve missed you, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed our chats, talking way into the night about anything and everything, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed you. I do now. The past few months I’ve needed a friend like you, and I’m glad to say better late than never. It’s called burying the hatchet, it’s called moving on with life and I’m glad. I wish I could be sorry for what happened, but I’m not, I’m sorry for all the arguments, insults and accusations, but we both know that it turned out for the best. A year ago who ever thought we’d all be here the way we are now? I certainly didn’t, but I’m glad I am.

Finally I have a question. How is not possible for you to see what you’re doing to me? I may not be a strong person, but I’m not a weak person and yet every time you leave I burst into tears. I can’t watch you self-destruct anymore, I can’t watch you do that. I’ve always counted you as my best friend, but I don’t even know if I know you anymore. I’ve always said that giving up the fight can save the one thing worth fighting for, yourself. And believe me you’re worth fighting for, but not like this, because I’m destroying myself by doing the fighting for the both of us. There comes a time in everybody’s life where they have to walk away, and I think that that time is here. You honestly can’t see what you’re doing to me, it’s soul destroying to watch you doing to yourself what you are, and until you realise that I can’t help you, my head won’t let me. I love you, for always and forever, know that.

About a month ago as I travelled down an empty road in the middle of the night I looked up at the stars and I realised a few things. That life isn’t a question of fate or coincidence or luck. It’s about the decisions you make and the people that you meet. And as I travelled along that road I wished upon those stars and it was people that I was wishing for, I was wishing to be with my family and now I know how important people are. And how much you have to sacrifice sometimes for the people you love. Sometimes life’s about being there for your friends when they need you the most, sometimes it’s about letting an old friend be there for you, and sometimes it’s about swallowing your pride and saying the things you need to say. It’s the people that you meet that make a difference in your life and I don’t believe fate makes two perfect strangers get along, I don’t believe fate makes things just happen, I believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe that it’s the decisions you make that make those things happen and I believe that it’s people who make you make those decisions. So that’s why it’s so important to say what you need to say when you need to say it, you never know when it might be too late.