His name was Wayne Brown. He was 5 feet 9 inches, athletic body type, caramel complexion, dark brown eyes, short black hair and the greatest smile you've ever seen. He was my boyfirend. Me and Wayne had been together for about two years now and I loved him with all my heart. He was caring and sensitive, nice and funny. He always had me laughing. I was his first girlfriend ever. He wasn't my first boyfriend though, I've had at least 5 of them before he came along.
My name was Lorinda. I was about 5 feet 5 inches, I had a nice body, I too was a caramel complexion with dark brown eyes. My hair was nice and long, it was a little below my shoulders. I had dark brown hair.
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Wayne and I met three years ago at school. We were freshmen at high school. It was around mid october and he had just transferred to my school. I was in biology class and he walked in with the principal. The principal went to speak with the teacher then left. Then Ms. Lynnberg introduced him to the class and told him to sit in the empty seat behind me. My friend Cherine said to me, " Damn Rinda! The new kid look fine. Look at him girl! I'm about to go and talk to him!" I then said, "No way Cherrry, I gonna get him." Then we did our little handshake our clique made up and I turned around to talk to him.
"Hi", I said, "My name is Lorinda but you can call me Rinda, all my friends do." He then said, "Well hi Rinda, nice to meet you my name is Wayne." We talked for a bit then the lunch bell rang. I invited him to sit over with me and my friends.
Now I can tell that he was crushing on me because he never took his eyes off of me. I didn't say anything, I just went with the flow. We went over to my locker first. I looked in the medium sized mirror in my locker, took my comb, fixed my hair, then got the books that I would need. He offered to hod my books for me but I refused and told him it was ok. I helped him find his locker and he put down some of his things, then we walked to the other side of the building and downstair to the basement, where the lunchroom was. We found the table where my friends were at and I intoduced him to them.
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Me and Wayne were walking in the park holding hands and talking. My parents were going out of town tomorrow for the 25th anniverary of their wedding. I was telling Wayne how he should come over and we could have some fun. As I was talking about how we could watch movies on the couch, eat ice cream and stuff, he blurted out, "I love you Rinda". I was so happy. He never told me that before. I told him, "Wayne, I love you to." Then he sealed our conversation with a kiss. His lips were nice, plump and soft. I was caught up in the moment and everything felt so right. Then as we were kissing, slowly rain started to drizzle down. The mood felt so right. When we stopped, we looked into each others eyes, he put my hand in his and we continued walking through the park...slowly.
A contest entry
- Passionate People by Seachelle.
185 points, ended January 25, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Day Of A Teen by TommyTRASH.
220 points, ended January 25, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Young Love by Melli.
151 points, ended March 27, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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awww...so cute...
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This is nicely written and generally without errors. The build-up of Wayne and Lorinda is good, very thorough. Some parts sounded awkward, though. For example, you wrote: "I too was a caramel complexion with dark brown eyes." Maybe try saying you "had" a caramel complexion, instead?
That aside, I loved the ending. It was so picturesque, and, having just seen "The Cinderella Movie" today, it reminds me of the ending to that in a way. The guy and the girl are together, they kiss, and it starts to rain. Nice touch.
Good luck in the contests. -
Heya! Nice, chapter...you drew me in! yay...I do agree with the other comments however. Oh, but, the kissing in the rain...I loved dat! Nice! lol
Shady Lane
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Hey, I have already commented on your write before lol. Good luck in my contest!
Shady Lane
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Its a pretty good start. There's a few really obvious grammar errors in the beginning...even I caught it. Just needs a little work.
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I have to agree with Melissa. The first paragraph was great but the more I read, the more it lacked detail. There needs to be more added to this. The feelings, emotions, life..it just needs to be conveyed. Describe more about the characters' inner feelings and how this affects them. How does the world around them play a part in their role? Those are just some things you could remember when more chapters are added to this..I hope..Overall, you have a great start and good ideas. Keep up the good work!
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More detail plz!?
I like the first paragraph. It really pulls me in! Allthough you need a lot more details and more flowing words. This chapter 1 doesnt flow very well and needs 2 be a bit longer. I understand what hey look like. But i really want to expeirence their feelings and emotions! great work, but work a little harder and i bet it will be a wonderful story! I hope U good luck in the contest.....but im entering 2!!! beware! lmao lol. TTYl
Melissa -
More detail girl!!!
Your characters didn't feel so real. The first paragraph was short and sweet which was what drew me in, but the middle needed much more passion, memories, and description of personalities. I could picture their shells, just not their insides. Good news is, you have another chance. Go for it!
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