PLEASE NOTE: The following veiws are not the authors own. Character development.
I remember the last time I drove a car. It was dusk, the golden globe of a sun easing itself out of the sky as night followed and with it, the moon. It was just me in the car, with the radio turned up loud to some station that was fuzzing in and out -or maybe that was me?- and a bottle of vodka wrapped in a wrinkled brown paper bag.
It’s funny. I remember the details about what everything looked like, even in my drunken stupor, but I don’t recall what happened in the wreck.
There was this cop trying to drag me to my feet, yelling and screaming in my ear, but all I could think about was what happened to my drink. Lights flashed, a circus of red and blue and white… like the American flag, may it burn in hell.
Democracy my ass. Freedom ain’t free, and therefore, it does not exist. Hell, maybe I don’t exist.
I felt this sharp pain rocket from head to toe and back again, crushing my spine and then nothing. I mean, literally nothing. A blank void where I stood -or floated, whichever- and wondered why the walls weren’t white, where the ambulance or hospital was.
You know that light people talk about? Yea, I saw it. It was this glaringly bright light that made my eyes hurt if I didn’t use my hand as a shield and squint at the same time. But I didn’t notice the tunnel everyone says they walk down. I was just there on a non-descript black plane of existence… I think.
You see, I Know there was a surface beneath my blood stained sneakers because I walked across it towards the light. It never got brighter the closer I walked, nor did it get bigger, but somehow I knew that I was standing right on the brink of where ever it led.
With a deep breath in which no air slid down my throat, I stepped through. Warmth greeted me alongside a smiling, demonic face and a wickedly chuckled, “That trick works every time.”
Author notes
Another short drabble inspired by a conversation with a friend in our Speech class. What if that light people always see wasn't what they thought...?
A contest entry
- Clickyity Click! by asthray.heart.
450 points, ended April 27, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Twist Endings by Vixen7.
150 points, ended March 9, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
very nice twist. Not what I expected. An original idea with a faultless ending. Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest.
-
This was very interesting, different way to put a view on death and how we die and were we actually go.
Easily I guess we could be tricked like that, but then most people like that should know where they will go if they lead a bad life.
Everyone has different veiws though and you expressed yours nicely. What an interesting chat you muct have had during that class.
Well good luck in the contest and thanks for enterung.
Lady Madeline.
-
Interesting!
Ah, I like this! Not quite what I was expecting. And I like the line that it begins with: "I remember the last time I drove a car." My mind put that together in the sense of just something previous. Not quite grasping the finality and depth of that statement.
Your telling of events is very descriptive. I like the 'voice' of the narrator. The story has a casual conversational tone to it which suits it very well.
And I am impressed that you took the little concept of the question "what if that light people always see wasn't what they thought?" and turned it into a story that has a very interesting 'answer' to it.
It is ell written, although there are a few things that I think could be done to really solidify this story.
I like the little signs that show the narrators mental state. "... to some station that was fuzzing in and out -or maybe that was me?-", and "but all I could think about was what happened to my drink."
And you do not specify whether the narrator is male or female. I'm not sure if that was deliberate or not, though the mannerisms and tone of the chararacter lead me to believe it is a man.
All in all, I enjoyed it very much. I look forward to reading your others stories very much.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
This was pretty cool. It didn't end how I thought it would. I guess it tricked me too. I'm assuming that it was never meant to go any farther than you took it. Plenty of action going on here for such a short story. good job.
-
Interesting point of view. I'm not sure if this was just supposed to be mainly fiction but if it is I would have liked to see more character development. Well written and expressed though and your structure is well done. Good work and welcome to SW
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
