Words of interest
Bowne (bow-knee) ~ food Domaw (do-maw) ~ father
Image-maker ~ TV
Kela (key-la) ~ friend
Lawto (law-too) ~ cup
Learay (lee-ray) ~ Village Elder
Meno (me-no) ~ girl, lady
Momaw (mo-maw) ~ mother
Nebow (knee-bow) ~ water
Notay (no-tay) ~ brother
Nomay (no-may) ~ boy
Portal ~ door
Sonsa (sun-say) ~ cricket milk
Tolaw (too-law) ~ plate
Veldor (vel-door) ~ cloth
Veldorae (vel-do-ray) ~ clothes
Wakela (way-key-la) ~ best friend
Yesmay (yes-may) ~ girl
Yestay (yes-tay) ~sister
Rylings ~ humanoid with webbed feet, long thin arms, upward slanting eyes, flat nose with two slits, no visible ears, two slashes of ‘their’ color on cheeks. When they hit maturity two suction cups appear on the index finger and thumb of both hands. Suction cup are not strong enough to hold their weight. Each one has their own unique color.
Chapter One
Perfectly round pebbles dig into the soles of my bare feet. Their smooth shape and cool temperature soothe my weary steps as I meander along the worn path. My destination looms before me. A not completely invisible barrier curves up towards the white above with the magical, bright yellow that shines one minute then off in a snap of my fingers. The ‘Giant’ controls our source of light and he is a selfish one.
As I draw near the transparent barrier the green plants thin and I notice the absence of the crickets and the heavy smell of sweet lavender fade. The cricket’s melody, usually loud and hypnotic, is now silent and I find myself nervous for the first time. I shift my weight from one webbed foot to another.
As I lay my hands on the cool barrier I catch a glimpse of my reflection. Although I can see through my image I can still see my deep purple eyes, slanted upwards. They almost reach my hairline, which is the sign of great wisdom in my village. And I try to be wise, but it is just so darn boring. I caught myself smiling and noticed that Char Char is right it’s too mischievous. More of a smirk then a smile really. Above it is a nice flat nose with two slits. My Momaw says it is the nicest nose around, but she’s my Momaw, so it doesn’t count. Even in the waning reflection the deep purple on my lilac cheeks show.
Outside, what I heard the ‘Giant’ call glass is another world. Piles of cloth lay thrown about on strange shaped objects that the ‘Giant’ lays and sits on. Once while he was talking to a long thick square devise I heard him say ‘little creatures’. I’m not sure why he talks to this thing; it is bolted to the wall by a string. And does nothing that I can see. I suppose we behind the glass are the ‘little creatures’. We are smaller then him.
A portal stands a ways from my barrier. There I see the ‘Giant’ come and go and I wonder what is beyond it.
“Ember,” faintly someone in calling me. I choose to ignore it.
Today the image-maker is on. Birds are flying across the large square object and then they’re gone. This is why I am here.
“Ember,” the voice is close now and I recognize it as Char Char. I still choose to ignore it.
My eyes never waver from the image-maker. What looks like bowne appears next. It is a strange looking item with its ingredient piled on top of each other and bread on both ends. Weird. Along with it is a dirty cup of nebow. Looks gross. I wouldn’t drink it.
“Ember Violet Strongarm, where are you?” Calls Char Char in her singsong voice. She is closer now.
“I’m here Char Char.” Called over my shoulder.
“Where,” she called frantically.
I huffed, then turned and stomped to where she was sitting in the tall grass. As I approached I could see why she was so hysterical. She had caught one plump webbed foot in a tangle of vines. “Oh Char Char what have you done this time?”
She blushed and it made the blue slashes on her cheeks stand out against the pink. She lowered eyes searched the moist ground as if looking for a different answer then the truthful one. Defeated she hunched her shoulders around her plump body and replied, “my foots stuck…”
“Again.” I finished for her.
“Again,” she sighed.
“Alright then, hold still.” As I went about untangling her foot I had to chuckle. I hardly ever asked Char Char to leave the village and join me on these outings because every time I did I would spend more time untangling her than not. I am amazed she made it this far by herself and told her so.
“Well your momaw is looking for you and I was the only one who knew where you were,” She rushed her words, stumbling over a few. “So I volunteered to find out.” Finally she took a breath and I chuckled out loud.
“Ok, now what does my momaw want?”
My wakela shook her spiky blue hair. “She didn’t say. She just asked me to hurry.”
“And you rushed out here. You poor thing, you must be exhausted.”
You must remember Char Char, my wakela, is round, erring on the side of plump. I studied her through my long lashes. Spiky hair stood out in all directions followed by a disarray of veldoraes messed and dirty. Eyes slanted on a pale blue face. Her small slits flared in and out with her rapid breath.
By the time I finished looking her over I had untangled her foot. “Do I smell honey cakes?”
Her fact lit up and her smile widened as one plump hand reached into her dress. “Of course you do,” she beamed as she pulled out a veldor wrapped around two small cakes.
“Umm,” my stomach growled and I snatched one out of her hand. I hadn’t eaten since this morning.
I stood up and stretched then held out my hand to Char Char as I stuffed the last bit of honey cake in my mouth. The honey melted on my tongue as I hauled her off the ground. Mud had stuck to her skirt and I brushed it off her. The smell of fresh earth and honey mingled around us.
“Let’s head back.” I suggested as I hooked my arm through Char Char’s. She was shorter then I, so I had to bend down a little.
Author notes
Starting idea. Something that been buzzing around in my head for awhile. I stare at a fish bowl alot of the time and it struck me an interesting storyline.
Edited 2/6/07
In a list
A contest entry
- Beyond The Fantasy by The Cube.
175 points, ended March 24, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Things to consider....
You begin this chapter in 1st person--present tense...very difficult. I applaud you for attempting it. In paragraph 3, you slip into past tense in one sentence....
"I caught myself smiling and noticed Char Char..."
That's the hardest part about writing in present tense. To me, it's so natural to write in past tense--which makes it all the more easier to slip back into when writing in present tense.
“Ember,” faintly someone (is) in calling me.---remove in or just change it to "is"
“I’m here Char Char.” Called over my shoulder.---I'm not sure you even need the dialogue tag here.
“my foots stuck…” --add the apostrophe to "foots"
She lowered eyes searched the moist ground as if looking for a different answer then the truthful one.--->instead of "then" it should be "than"
“Again.” I finished for her.---comma after "Again" instead of period, especially when following up with a dialogue tag.
She was shorter then I,--->replace "then" with "than", you're comparing two things.
OK, now thoughts on the story itself...
I really like this idea, and you do an admirable job of pulling it off. I do think you could develop it a bit more. Rather than give us the translations of this cool language at the beginning, try to figure out a way to incorporate the meaning of these words into the prose. That way, the reader can figure out for themselves what the word means. This will be difficult and frustrating, but when done correctly it can be very effective.
Personally, I'd like to see more in this chapter to give the reader a better idea of what these creatures are and who the giants are. I suspect the giants are humans, but I could be wrong. However, I just feel that we need to see more in this chapter. I think it's a really good start, but you have a lot of work to do. Of course, you know that. Anything that requires you to create a new language and a whole new world is going to require a lot of work to complete, but I think you're up to the task. I can't wait to read more!
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What a fantastic idea!
This is a very unique world, and I like it a lot. Perhaps you should put more explanation in your first chapter: why are they here, what are they doing, and who are these characters? And don't forget to put commas in your longer sentences, so we can breathe! Keep writing, Meggh xxxxxxxxxxxx -
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Thanks Meggh for taking the time to read and comment. Hmmm...I hadn't thought about why they were there. I'll have to do some serious thinking on that part. But I do appreciate the suggestions you've made.
Did I miss alot of commas?
Wouldn't surprise me. My puncation has improved since being on this site but I know there is always room for improvement.
Thanks again.
~*Brooke*~
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wow a race that keeps intelligent creatures behind glass? Though I guess the giants can't understand what these creatures are saying. I am guessing you thought of this wondering what your fish might be talking about in there. I am curious of what more might be in store for this tale.
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The 'Giant' is human, but he know nothing of the creatures. I only have five chapters of this but if you wanted to read the rest here are the links.
http://storywrite.com/story/61009 Chapter 2
http://storywrite.com/story/61049 Chapter 3
http://storywrite.com/story/62047 Chapter 4
http://storywrite.com/story/63361 Chapter 5
Thanks for reading and for commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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Thats pretty good start. Some parts are a little hard to understand. But still I like it.
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Took you tell me which part was confusing or hard to understand? I would really appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Brooke
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Very Creative
A very good start to what may become an impressive story. Though what made it difficult to follow was the fact that you created a 'new language.' I'm not saying that's bad because I do that all the time. It was just everytime I saw one of the words I had to scroll back up and see what it was and then continue again.
All in all a very good story, keep up the good work and good luck! -
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I didn't want the 'other language' to be too hard and I'm sorry that it gave you pause. I will have to deep it simpler.
Thanks for the kind words.
~*Brooke*~
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Huh. Neat and intriguing. I'd love to know where these creatures come from! You described them perfectly, and even without your list of definitions, it was understandable and I could figure them out by the context of the word. Cool story.
-Lyneun -
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Thank you for those kind words. I'm not sure where they came from. They just one day showed up in the bowl. lol I'm glad that the changing of the names wasn't confusing.
Again thank you.
~*Brooke*~
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Wonderful Start
It's more than just alien ..it feels like a another Earth, paralel (forgive my spelling) universe. You have a way to bring it to the a vivid reality. Keep it up.
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Thanks you for your kinds words. I hope you will continue to read the other chapters and boost my ego.
lol
~*Brooke*~
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Very original
Brooke
Her 'Fact' Lit up-I think you meant her 'face'...
Other than that slight spelling error I found this an invigorating write with lot of originality and a very sober pace.You are quite a story teller I can tell because this riveted my attention till the very last line...
Love
Sam
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Thanks for pointing out that error and for your kind words. I hope you will continue to read the other chapters and tell what they need.
Again thanks
~*Brooke*~
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very good - I thought I was there too, the way the scene was set made it easy feel that. Karen xx
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Thank you Karen for your kind words. I'm glad you could see yourself in the scene. I've been editing it so I hoped that someone could see it more clearly.
Again thanks
~*Brooke*~
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"Perfectly round pebbles dig into the souls of my bare feet. Their smooth shape and cool temperature soothe my weary steps as I meander along the worn path. . ."
I don't know what's correct on that planet but on Earth I would think that soles were on the bottom of the feet. And whether the pebbles were digging into the soles or souls, I don't know that I would describe it as soothing.
I REALLY LIKED the way you are contructing a fantasy world but you can't get so far out there that you leave the readers lost somewhere between here and the Milky Way.
"My destination looms before me. A not completely invisible barrier curves up towards the white above with the magical, bright yellow that shines one minute then off in a snap of my fingers."
I have read a great deal of Star Trek novels which certainly take you to other worlds. They introduce new terms and words. My problem with your story is some of your descriptions are so 'alien' to my experience I am unable to relate. No doubt if you and I could take a trip there it would all become clear but until then I would say, step back once in a while from the work, then approach it as if you are reading it for the first time and see if you are able to really get a good mental immage of what is being described. It is okay to use more Earth friendly terms for us planet bound folks as long as we develop an interest and curriousity for the characters in the story.
Would love to see this with more refinement as I'm into this kind of stuff.
beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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I really appreciate your candor. And if you could pick out those 'alien' descriptions, besides the one you did, I would appreciate it. I wanted to describe a ceiling light. I guess I didn't do that very well.
This is about the Rylings living in an aquarium. And thanks for pointing out 'souls'. No one caught that buy you. I will immediately go and change it.
Again thanks and I hope you can help my out here.
~*Brooke*~ -
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Alien Worlds
I know you know this but I will say it for my benefit. Critique has to be taken in stride. If a reader tells you they didn't get it or like it, it is after all just one reader. You have to take time to decide if you need to change your work, or it is just not going to reach all readers. When I am reading others work I find I am constantly wondering if it is just me or would others have the same opinion as me. And yes when someone suggests changes to my work I do take it very seriously because if one person is willing to point something out, no doubt others had the same observation.
I will look at you story again based on your comments and see if there is anything helpful I can add.
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It's pretty good, a really good start to a fantasy story, i hope you have the time to read some of my stuff though it is not so great. good
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Awww....confidence is what you need. Everyone here is here to learn and improve. I go look at some of your stuff today.
Thanks for reading this and commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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Fresh.
haha i like that word. anyways this is creative. u use different names for everyday items...i like that. it shows its not like the place we live in.
p.s. i like cake ;-)
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I just hope it doesn't get to confusing later on. I keep adding new words, pretty soon the whole story will be written like that. jkjk
Thanks for reading.
~*Brooke*~
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This is good. You're creating a fresh new world here. Interesting. You obviosly have a very creative mind. Did it take you long to come up with all these unique words?
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It was cool.
I had to learn a new vocabulary to read this story. I hope I do not go around speaking it now. ha ha Sounds like a village in Lord of the Rings. A good start. I am sure you will take off with this one. How are things at The Point Bank? You have not seen a suspicious trio of gangstas hanging around it lately have ya?
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You are a faithful reader and commentor and I really appreciate that.
Thanks you for taking the time to read this. I wanted the Rylings to use a different language for common items. I just hope I don't go over board with it.
As to the Points Bank there have been a couple of nervous looking people hanging around just outside the double doors. Think I should call the site cops?
~*Brooke*~
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