Life was the hunt, the endless search for the smell of blood, permeating my nostrils, satiated with the kill. Life was the growl deep in my throat, so low I could hardly hear it, could only feel my vocal cords reverberating in a steady pulse. Life was the clean water slipping down my throat, sinuously sliding through my veins, infusing my aching muscles. Life was my very muscles.1
No longer.2
Now I pace this cold box, where I can no longer see the sky, smell my food. Now the scent of life is replaced with an icy tang that burns my nostrils, and my tender feasts, still warm, are supplanted with bland fodder that tastes brown and dry. I roar only in captive anguish, roar only in anger when the white ones come with the sharp pain and I weaken. Before, I woke rejuvenated, my limbs stretching long. Now I lie awake on my cold surface until the morning comes, and I cannot stretch for lack of space. Then the white ones come and poke me, prod me with long sticks like hyenas on a long-eaten carcass, run the stick along the ridges of my ribs, making comments that in my half-drugged state I only catch whispers of, can only see flashes of as if there were a partition over my eyes.3
“…ramifications of the new feed have detracted from physical...” “…outline of the ribs is enhanced from last time, he’s getting…” “…someone’s been adulterating the food?” “….must garner more information before hypotheses can be assimilated…”4
Their garble is always the same, just nonsense word after nonsense word, never going anywhere. I barely lift my head to rumble now when the sharp pain comes; my neck is too weak to hold up my head. “…seen a regression in muscle development…” 5
“What’s he doing?”6
“Stop him!”7
“Someone get more tranquilizers, now!”8
I have floated to my feet, my head hitting the top of the cage. I am dizzy from lying so long. My knees wobbling , I take one small step forward. I feel the sharp pain once more, above my eye this time. I sink to my knees, welcoming oblivion.9
Author notes
This might be published sometime....*shrug*
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Short. But interesting. If it weren't for the background, I wouldn't have known what creature to assume this was about. But, nice detail about the cage, and the "white ones" chatter. Best Of Luck. ~ Poetic Pixie
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Hmmm...at first, I thought it just be a write about some animal stuck in a cage. However, the end sheds some light on what might -really- be going on. An interesting write, one that I think can be expanded upon and added to. Good luck.
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sexy!
a long, long time ago, i entered a contest by you and i won and you gave me this critique that was about a mile long.......and i have been eternally grateful. i regret that my impatience will not allow me to do the same....this piece. this piece is brilliant because we don't know what it's really about....and you carefully haven't explained it. in the words of my friend amanda, i worship the concept. i am of course dying to know what's really going on here, but you shouldn't tell me, because that would ruin the point. something about the mention of hyenas confused me, i didn't understand what the deal was with the hyenas, but that's ok....as stated above i thought this was a vampire bit in the beginning. but it isn't, i think. i don't know what to say.....awesome piece of writing, completely awesome. -
This was amazing, you did such a great job with writing Cage. I can find nothing worng with this. Good luck in the contest!
-karr -
delightfully sci-fi
This is really very excellant. Good work. If I had some critique to add you'd have it. -
Hee... I like this. I'd resist any suggestions that the piece is too vague and you need to explain who or what the perspective is from. Never explain!
Your writing is sufficient that we can feel what "you" are feeling without knowing anything more about "you."
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At first, I thought I was reading a vampire piece. Then I thought it was a probed by aliens piece. And now last I see that it is some sort of torture lab or one that commits secrect experiments, or perhaps it's just somebody coming out of anenthesia. I'm sorry; but I just don't quite get it. I'm looking up at what others have written and perhaps they got it right.
Just my observations of a reader passing by,
~Bezoar -
correct me if i am wrong, but are you supposed to be an animal in the zoo? a lion perhaps? that is what it ssounded like to me. very well done. this story is so vivid. you can see what you are describing so clearly. it is written so well. it is an intense way to describe what it is like to be locked up and have people poking yuou and staring at you. you never have any privacy or space. wonderful, wonderful work, and good luck in the contest.
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That was a nice read. Original and Fun.
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this is really good and intense i like this alot way to go !
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great story. good luck witht he contest..its going to be a hard one to judge!
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Hi therem
I fel that this was a great write, I agree I also feel that you are very talented, very visual here. Great job and keep up the great work.
BLue moon
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Oh wow you are very talented. I can see why this may get published. I love it. Very visual piece here. Do you have more for this or is this all. I want more, MORE I say. Great job on this.
-*MISTY*-
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