My mother and father died in a car accident. Now, all I have left is my 18-year0old brother. Soon, he will move, so he can go to college. I will be all alone. I hope he changes his mind.
My mom and dad were on their way home from the airport(my dad was in the war and my mom was picking him up), and the light suddenly turned green. Unfortunately, my parents didn't stop fast enough. That was the last time I ever saw them.I was with them, but I was just injured, in my teeth and my heart broke that day.I was connected to my parents like peanut butter is to jelly in a PBJ sandwich. When they died, it was like the bread was eaten, and all that was left was me, the peanut butter and jelly.
My brother was looking at the different colleges, when somebody came to the door. I was scared, so I made him answer it( I was hiding behind the wall.) It was hard to see, but I saw a man that looked like he was in the army, then I heard them start to talk. The man's name was Sargent Williams. He came to force my brother into the army. That's when I came in. I wouldn't let anybody take a person from my family into the army, not even my mean old cousin. As it turns out, little girls like me have less power than older guys like him.
I was in the adoption agency, when this odd looking woman came in. her coat was pure fox fur, and her hat was from a bird. I was hoping that she hadn't come for a girl, but once again my luck turned. She wanted a young girl that has long hair. That narrowed it down to me and two other girls. The lady took all three of us, one for each of her friends probably. Working for her was not fun. The reason she wanted girls with long hair, was so she could do out hair in a hideous due every morning. Then, we would have to buy her groceries, make dinner, and do the dishes. I had never done so much work in one day of my life.
Two months had passed, and I heard my brother was coming home, but who I saw wasn't my brother. He had turned into a major military man. He was almost the exact opposite as he used to be. He didn't call me Penny anymore. Instead, he called me by my real name, Penelope (which I hated very much.)
The night he left, I snuck out to the airport. If they turned my brother into that thing, I would have to figure out what was going on. Luckily, there was one last plane going to Vietnam for the day. Then, came the scene. We almost made it, when all of the suddden, attackers started bombing us. We were told to stay calm, but it was too hard.Then they took us to the nearest landing space, but it was getting too late. People were nearly dead, and I think I broke my leg.The only way to tell was land, then go to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital, and they asked to tell us the people in our family. I told them my brother was a soldier and they went to tell the headquarters or something. I couldn't tell, becuase I was busy with the pain in my leg. All I remember after that was waking up and seeing my brother's worried face.
We didn't talk for a while. Then my brother said,"Why did you do it?" "Do what?" I replied. "Leave home and come to Vietnam," my brother said. I paused a moment, then said, "because I missed you." My brother then said that if I missed him so much, I should have told somebody, but he doesn't know what it's like. He doesn't know what it's like to live with a complete stranger. Then, I realized he did. All this time I had been living with Madame Julie, my brother was living with a roommate.
My brother went to tell the head soldier about his trouble, and he let him go home. We left home together, him with his outfit, and me with my leg cast. We were never bothered by the navy again, but we did get a few letters. No matter what, me and my brother were together for the rest of our lives. My brother went to college, but I moved with him and everything worked out.
A contest entry
- Harry Potter and / or Charmed by xxRainbowDawnxx.
100 points, ended February 24, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Interesting story. A little disconnected, though. Still, it shows potential and has a fascinating storyline to it. It was sad, touching on emotions at a level that allows the reader to empathize for the narrator. Good work.
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I get the idea of the story but it was very hard for me to follow. To me, at least, each paragragh seemed to be talking about something totaly different from the last with nothing really substantial tying them together. I did like your use of metaphor, the peanut butter and jelly was especially thought provoking. There was more than a glimmer of talent in this story. I think that if you smooth out the rough edges this could be very, very good.
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A Good Start
It is easy to give advise but it is like medicine where it may be unpleasant to swallow but it will make you better. The story had numerous spelling, gramatical errors which can be fixed. With such a short story it was hard to develop a real depth of emotion when dealing with death of partents and separation from family members. Since I love to eat (and it shows) I noted that the character was to her parents as peanutbutter is to jelly but when the parents were gone, she was now the peanutbutter and the jelly but was missing the bread. This sounded messy to me and also made me hungry. Best suggestion is more writing, more experience, and more time and take advantage of any courses if writing is something you want to do seriously. Let's see more.
beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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hmmm...
this is good. i like it but it is really sad though.
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this is a good story and a really happy ending for such a troubled couple. by couple i mean brother and sister.

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Interesting story
This is a first person narative. Is any of it true? It was tragic about the parents and the adoption, but it had a happy ending. Not bad for a twelve year old, keep writing.
Andy -
Good!
This was a good story. It made me sad, because it was tragic. Though, it reminds me of Brittany's story, alot. Good plot, and style.
1 - 7 of 7




