[ She came to me every night. We would kiss and hold each other. We would talk until the sun rose some nights. I can still see her face, so young and pretty, light red hair, a few freckles from all the time in the sun. We were inseparable; many thought we

She came to me every night. We would kiss and hold each other. We would talk until the sun rose some nights. I can still see her face, so young and pretty, light red hair, a few freckles from all the time in the sun. We were inseparable; many thought we were brother and sister rather than boyfriend and girlfriend.

We had our entire futures ahead of us. We were fourteen and ready to take on the world. While holding her hand I felt like I could do anything. One night when we snuck out together, we walked to an open field nearby and sat down in the dewy grass. With my arm around her we gazed up at the heavens.

“There’s life up there you know,” I said.

She smiled that gorgeous smile of hers and said, “I know,” before cuddling up tighter to me, “I’ve always known that there was life in heaven.”

I looked at her curiously for a moment and then laughed, “I mean aliens, other life forms living on planets that we might never see or even learn of their existence.”

She smiled still, her eyes not leaving the heavens above us, “I know what you meant, and I think we’re both right in a fashion,” she looked at me then, and kissed my lips softly, “there’s enough room for aliens and angels up there,” then she started giggling and I couldn’t help but join in to.

We lay on the grass and, gazing upwards, we observed a satellite passing over, and then a few shooting stars. I knew that my mom would be mad about my sneaking out and my dirty clothes but right then that didn’t matter at all. I was with the woman that I loved and that was the only thing that was relevant.

“Have you ever thought about death?” she asked me.

I couldn’t even respond for a minute or so, instead I just let the silence hang between us like a curtain. Finally I swallowed and answered her, “yeah.”

She laughed, “what kinda answer is that?” she swatted at me but I caught her hand and held it instead. She looked into my eyes, even in the dark I could see the tears forming, “did you ever think that this might be our last night alive?”

I kissed her hand softly and then put my arms around her, she was crying harder now, sobbing onto my shoulder. I didn’t know what to do or say. Moments ago she seemed perfectly happy. I held her tightly and tried to calm her down.

“We don’t need to fear death, it’s a long way off for us, and besides its nothing to be afraid of, only a transition, before we join the angels and aliens up there,” I pointed up above us. She smiled and even let out a giggle. Then her face turned sad again and she kissed my lips gently before pulling away.

“I have to go,” she quickly got to her feet, “I have to get back home now.”

I got up, “can I walk you home at least?”

She looked at me and never before had I seen such sadness on her face, “not tonight, I’m alone tonight.”

I didn’t know what she meant but she didn’t even let me hug her again before she ran off. I sat back down in the grass, looking up at the stars, wondering what happened, and what it was that I did wrong.

Even when the sun rose on my hours later I did not know the answers. I got up and looked around, last night the pasture had seemed ethereal, but in the sun’s light it was just another pasture, green and gay. I smiled and walked back home.

At home everything was the same; my parents still hadn’t woken up, which was lucky for me. I walked up to my room and laid down on my bed, eventually falling into an uneasy sleep. But when I woke up three hours later I couldn’t remember why my sleep was uneasy.

It was still a summer day then so I walked down to the river. It was a slow but deep river that I enjoyed spending my time by. Sometimes I would fish, other times I might just sit and watch it flow on by me for some unknown place. In all truth I couldn’t even tell you the name of this river.

There was a railway bridge a ways downstream, and a bridge for cars further downstream yet, but right at this part you couldn’t even tell that there were other people around. I sat down next to a large poplar tree. I guessed that the tree might be one hundred years old. Every year I predicted that it would fall down in a storm and every year I’d been wrong, so far at least.

I watched the river go by for a while, seeing the dragonflies scooping up mosquitoes as they skim over the water. Seeing clouds passing overhead, Watching the life and death struggle of a large grasshopper in a small spider’s web, and then listening to a murder of crows nearby.

It sounded like a lot of crows, close by to. I looked around and saw them upstream a ways; they seemed to be conglomerating around something on the far bank of the river. I figured they were likely just trying to scare away an owl or something.

For some reason the river didn’t seem to interest me that much right then. So I got up to go back home. I decided to take a bit of a detour and get closer to the crows to see what they were up to. The bank was rocky, that was why the farmers and developers had left my little hideout alone.

As I got closer a great horned owl suddenly flew out of the tree that the crows were circling, they immediately set off in pursuit. I just shook my head. I definitely preferred to have an owl in the yard than a family of crows; but there was little I could do. Instead I watched and silently cheered on the owl.

After they were out of my sight I resumed my walk back home. The rest of the day was uneventful and hazed over by exhaustion. That night as I lay in my bed, I dozed off at some point that had never been a problem, the window was unlocked, and she could get in and wake me, but that night she never did come in. I woke up with the sun, and she was nowhere to be seen.

Some nights this happened, usually it meant that she was sick or her parents were extra watchful that night, more likely she was sick, her parents barely seemed to notice what their daughter was doing. Her parents tended to notice whether the bottle was half empty more than what their daughter was doing.

The next day I didn’t see her either. It seemed odd that she gave no word at all. I worried that her feelings for me might have changed; maybe she hates me, or met someone better. I decided to walk over to her place. It was a long walk but I had to know what happened.

The walk took me across some typical rural terrain a rough gravel road, through a field, over a fence, then across the small bridge that goes across the river. Her family lived right next to the river, sometimes I felt jealous that I had to walk to get to the river, but in truth I preferred it that way. It gave me a place where I could be just by myself.

It was a lonely walk to her place. I saw no cars on the road and other than a single gopher that was in the ditch there weren’t even any animals. Once I got to her place they were gone, I looked into a window and saw that the house was empty. I peeped into her window, and her things were still there. I wondered what it could mean. The car was gone; nothing was left.

I sat for a while on the porch, thinking maybe they will come back, but they didn’t. I sat for an hour and no one came. I saw a deer wander into the yard and nibble on some trees, and then apparently it caught my scent and ran off. Other than that the yard was like a dead thing. Nothing moved except the wind.

I got up and walked to the river. It still babbled by quietly and peacefully. I started walking down the shore. After going under the bridge I had just gone over, the river swerved away from the road and out through some fields. I walked past a field of wheat, and then a canola field before coming upon the rocky shore, but it was still quite a ways to go before reaching my spot.

I heard the crows again and they were still downstream from me. I didn’t think much of them; instead my mind was on where she could have gone, and what happened with her parents. I walked on down, past some poplars and willows through some cattails that are taller than I was. My mind wasn’t on anything until I almost ran right into the crows. They were circling around once again, but this time they were around something on the riverbank. Most scattered as I moved in to investigate.

Then I saw her, laying there still half immersed in the river, her legs and hips were on the bank, the rest of her was in the water, her hair being pulled by the current, and her body bobbing slightly. I could only stare for a minute until another crow, braver than the rest, snuck in and pecked at her foot.

That roused me from my shock and I quickly shooed the bird away. She was dead even my immature mind could tell that. There was no life left in her, my tears began to fall as I knelt down, my arm reaching out, I suddenly grabbed her foot and pulled, not wanting for her to spend another moment in that water, but pulling her like that would scratch her.

Instead I waded into the river and put my arms around her. It felt good to hold her again, even though she was as cold as the chilly river was, I carried her out of the river onto the bank. I just sat there for, I don’t know how long, sitting and looking at her. Her skin was white, as beautiful a color I could not have found. I brushed her hair away from her face, and then I moved her arms against her body, she still wore the t-shirt she had worn when I saw her last, but her shorts and panties were gone. Her body should have been bloated from being in the water for so long, but for some reason it wasn’t.

I had heard that scavengers go for the face first, yet her face was still perfect, there was a few peck marks on her legs but no major damage was done. I saw there running my fingers through her hair. I can’t describe my feelings now any better than I could back then. She was dead, yes, but she was still here. She would not stay perfect forever. The ancient Egyptians could mummify people but even if I could obtain the materials, I never wanted to see her as an empty shriveled up monster. The Russians mummified Lenin, but how they did that was even more of a mystery.

Instead I just held her hand, stroked her hair, and gazed at her. It was a quiet, peaceful time for me. All I could do was sit there; I didn’t know what else to do. My life seemed to end that day as well. All that I had considered normal was over. Instead all of my thoughts turned to preserving her as long as I could. I wanted her to stay with me.

If I could save her until winter, the cold would preserve her for a few months at least. I knew that she would not be perfect for long. Using branches, moss and leaves I covered her, hoping that it would help keep the crows away. Luckily I didn’t have to worry about the crows for long.

That year the freeze came early, catching most farmers by surprise. One day it was a normal cool autumn day, the next we were covered in a layer of frost. My parents managed to get some harvest in at least, but I wasn’t going to be an easy winter.

Nevertheless, it was perfect for me. Before decay could set in too much she froze solid. I ran out to where I had hidden her. She lay silently under her bedcover of leaves and moss. Delicate hoarfrost coated the exposed skin of her face, it scared me a little that her face was exposed, but she still looked peaceful and perfect. She looked like an elf maiden, or maybe an ice goddess who has lain down for a little nap. I didn’t want to touch her, lest I disturb the delicate crystals. Instead I just sat and gazed at her with sad eyes.

Most of the winter passed in that manner. Sometimes I had to dig her out of the snow, but she was always there. Each day I rejoiced at seeing her, but inwardly I dreaded each night. As the nights passed by the spring and warmth crept ever closer, and then I would lose her forever.

I knelt in the snow next to her, glad to have been given some more precious time with her. It was a very cold day; I could feel my fingers and toes starting to hurt as my blood cooled down, restricting my circulation. I could feel myself getting sleepy, but I kept my eyes open. Soon I realized that I had to get back inside or else I stood a good chance of succumbing to hypothermia.

I kissed my fingers and then touched them to her lips bidding her goodnight, and hoping that I could see her tomorrow.

By the next day I was in no shape to go anywhere. A virus that had been lurking in my system erupted overnight, leaving me with a high fever and undeniably weak. I wasn’t throwing up at least, thank god for small miracles. Each day was agony, my throat ached so much that I could scarcely eat or drink. Instead I just lay in bed, wrapped up in chaotic dreams brought on by the fever.

In my dreams I saw her; she stood over me and took care of me in my illness. She laid a cold cloth across my brow and sat at my bed all night. One day she kissed my lips softly, got up and then walked out the door, I called to her, reaching out, but as she left through the door my mom came in and calmed me down. I still fell asleep crying that night.

As I was sick a week passed outside. While the fever abated I began to worry about her, I wasn’t there to protect her for more than a week now. Would she be okay? I wondered if she could see me from heaven and what she thought of my actions, what if she was trapped on earth because no one had given her a proper burial?

One day my mom sat down on the bed next to me, she told me that my girlfriend’s family had disappeared; no one knew where they went. Everyone assumed that they just packed up and left to avoid the long goodbyes, but no one really knew and even that theory seemed flawed.

I didn’t tell my mom that I knew where my girlfriend went. She had drowned in the river and was currently under a snow bank on the shore. That was my secret. I could never tell her.

I finally was able to go outside again; the walk to her spot was much harder than usual. The snow had blown over it significantly. The river was completely frozen and covered with snow. Everything was white; I had no landmarks to plot my course. I found a tree, and I knew that she was between the river and the tree, I began to dig, furiously tearing at the snow, hoping that I was in the right place. Freezing tears ran down my face as I dug although a new heat from the effort had filled my body. I plunged into the snow, hurtling handfuls out, punching and kicking to get through hard crusts and digging as fast as I could to keep out the loose powder.

Soon I was completely under the snow bank, digging still, until I finally found her. By then a storm had picked up and I couldn’t even see my home. I hid in my burrow, huddled with the corpse of my love. I don’t know how long I was there, just she and I hidden in a world of muted white. As it got darker and darker, the burrow got cut off from the world the wind became less and less inside but I could still hear it outside. I was being buried alive.

That night I put my arm around her again, the first time I had done so since we had talked about aliens and angels, I put my arm around her and prayed, not to God, but to her, hoping that she might help me again, like she had during my fever. That night I chastely slept with my lover in my arms.

In the morning the blizzard had stopped and all was calm, I dug my way out and looked over the world. Everything was perfectly white, there was no distance, there was no time, no life, nothing but pure untouched beauty. I looked back at the small scratched out hole I had dug to find her but had ended up saving my life.

I loved her certainly, but I could not keep this up forever. I didn’t want to see her decomposing, and I wanted her to have a proper burial, but I didn’t want to leave her either. I wanted my memory of her to be pure, but I didn’t dare to tell anyone about her. I covered the hole I had dug and I didn’t venture to that area again until spring had come.

Spring was a slow process that year, thawing in the afternoon only to refreeze at night. The temperature did get warmer though, until finally the snow was gone. When I saw that the snow was gone I took my small military shovel that my dad had given me, and a small ladder and I walked out to the river.

When I got there I found that the river’s level had risen with the spring melt, and for a moment I feared that her body had been washed away, but then I found it, not far from where I had left it, miraculously encased in ice still, preserved like sleeping beauty, but she would never wake up again, no kiss from any prince could do that.

I began digging in the soft earth, but soon found that it was too wet this close to the river, so I moved further away, on the other side of the tree that I sat at. I dug for an hour, but I had only dug about two feet down. It was hard work but I had to dig the hole right. Six feet deep was what I had always heard, so this hole would be six feet deep.

Even as the cold began setting in around me I kept digging, sweat dripping off my body, the hole slowly but surely getting deeper, eventually it was deeper than I was tall. Then finally with the moon overhead I measured that the hole was six feet deep. I climbed out of the hole using the ladder, but I was not done yet.

Once out of the hole I began running towards her place. I was hoping that no one had been inside yet, hoping that her things would still be there. I got there quickly but had to stop to catch my breath, and then I walked around the house until I got to her window. Peeking in I saw that her things still sat untouched. I went back to their front door and broke the window using a small rock. Reaching through the broken glass I cut myself, but managed to unlock the door.

I found her room and went into her closet. Before she left she had shown me a dress that she had bought for a wedding, it wasn’t that fancy, but it was a lot better than what she was currently wearing. I carefully folded it and took it with me. I saw a handkerchief sitting on her dresser and took it as well, it seemed to be cotton, I would have preferred silk but I had to make do with what I had.

With these two treasures I ran back to the grave. She still lay perfectly in her cocoon of ice, a new layer of frost was forming on top of the ice, I picked up the shovel again and set to my next task, freeing her from that shell. Carefully I worked for hours to chip away the ice without marring her in any way. Then I had to carefully warm her joints so that I could move her arms. It was with delicacy that I took off her shirt exposing her breasts, tears feel from my eyes again as I saw her perfection, for a moment I could only gaze at her naked form.

Then I shut my eyes, revolted that I had stared so freely, feeling impure in her presence, I silently asked her forgiveness and after unfolding the dress I began the task of putting it on her. I had never seen a woman put on a dress so I wasn’t sure how exactly to do it. I finally realized that it went on over her head and then just slipped over her body. The difficult part was getting her arms into her sleeves.

The sun was rising by the time I was done. Now that she was clothed I looked at her and smiled, she looked so beautiful, I wish that I could have seen her wear that dress when she was still… I had to stop that thought, there would be time for tears later, right now I had to finish my task, or else it might never get done.

I gently lowered her into the grave along one side of it, and then I went down the ladder to gently lay her flat at the bottom of the grave. I pulled the handkerchief out of my pocket and was about to cover her face with it, but I paused, and then I softly kissed her lips one last time before softly laying the handkerchief over her face.

I wasn’t exactly a preacher but I was all that she had. So I stood at the head of the grave and said,

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me,

Thy rod and thy staff comfort me.

Thou shalt prepare a table before me against them that trouble me:

Thou hast anointed my head with oil, and my cup shall be full.

But thy loving kindness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

And I will dwell in the house of the lord forever”

These last words slipped out of my lips between sobs, and I collapsed as the last words were said. I clenched my eyes tight and picked up my shovel, trying to be strong; I started shoveling the dirt down onto her. When that was done I carved her name into the tree as well as the time of her birth and death, and then “Forever loved and missed” under it.

I never saw her again after that, in my dreams or elsewhere. And I never told anyone about her. I still visit the spot, and carve the inscription deeper; making sure that as long as the tree stands her name will remain there. It is the only thing that I can do.