Finding out

Finding out

'What ? .. He did that?' All sorts of feelings start welling up inside me, tears begin trickling down my cheeks. Not saying another word I go and kneel by the side of my mum and hug her, making her shoulder wet and soggy.

Walking up the stairs I feel dizzy with emotion ... anger, sadness, betrayal I just feel physically sick. Dad doesn't know that I know so I can't show anything on my face, I have to look like a brick wall, nothing can show through. So I stomp upstairs get my bag out and begin doing some homework thinking no tears will fall about this, I have to be strong.

An r.e (religious education) lesson

'Today' My teacher says 'we will be having a debate about the existence of god' I let out a sigh. I've known all along there would be obstacles and I even knew this was coming, but now it was here I was still determined to be strong! But could I?

'Please move to the allocated parts of the room' I grab my coat and bag and move to the middle, allocated as the 'not sure' area. Once everybody is still and quiet I stir myself out of my deep thoughts and look around, I’m the only one sat in the middle. A few people voice there opinions all the while I’m just sat there thinking 'Yes but he never saved her! He was never there for her when she needed him' my teacher says he will get to me in a minute and makes a slight joke that I’m still sat in the middle. Thomas then makes a remark that I 'can't be bothered moving' I tell him to shut his mouth and turn and face the other way.

What he's just joked about is really getting to me! 'Yasmin don't let it get to you' But I can't I’ve held it together for so long, what he did was in-humane it was sick, that fucking bastard!!! Tears pour from my eyes like a waterfall and I run outside. My friends follow me but all I say is 'He wasn't there for her, through it all he just wasn't there!' They must of thought what the hell is she babbling on about, but it's my business so I wasn't about to tell them any time soon.

No mans land

That afternoon after school. Yes, I’ve got looks from older boys, no actually there proper name is 'perverted men' but they'd never approached me before. Well the first look I got from him was after gym, what was about 5.00pm, 2 hours after school was officially finished. It was the middle of winter and dark so he saw his chance, a young girl walking home in the dark on her own. The first time he went by he just stared at me, he was dark skinned so the white of his eyes really brought out his eyes, making it every bit more frightening. I walked along the road before taking, not my normal route, but a route I knew well home. His face was haunting me when I walked up the first stretch of the road but I thought 'don't let your imagination go wild' and I put the thought out of my head. But when I saw the same dark blue car go past the bottom of the road I began to panic, should I go into that corner shop at the bottom of the road? What the hell should I do! But it was too late he was pulling up beside me. Luckily he didn't get out of the car, I was young and naive and answered all the questions he asked, thinking back I should have walked away. But when I refused to get in the car he drove off.

It's amazing how much such a small incident can affect a person. People just don't think do they, especially those 'perverted men'. What they inflict is so cruel and yet they're still oblivious to what they're doing!

Counseling

I couldn't put up with it any longer. All of it messed with my head! From making it much more extravagant than it was, thinking of all the consequences to repeating to myself that I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was. Every time I walked home I looked at the people in each car and if they were male I panicked and began walking faster. My trust in any male disappeared and even my friends just couldn't stand by me when I was acting so weird anymore. I understood, but was so busy being, well, messed up that I began not to care. That's when mum took me to a counseling section. I really couldn't understand what was the matter I thought I was fine, to me I’d changed slowly and hadn't noticed, but to everybody else it was like I’d fallen down a mountain.

When I walked into the room the new smell hit me, it was a mix of new plastic leather, too posh perfume and way too much flowered room spray. And the brightness of the room, I mean I had a headache after each section! All the 'much about nothing' sections now seem like a blur so I can't tell you much about that. But the only section I remember is when I told her about not what happened to me but to my auntie i.e. the solution to my apparently called 'mildly hit psychological problem'.

It's still so clear that I remember it like yesterday, and I guess I’ll never really forget it. I walked in the room normally like I had for the past 3 months, but something inside me felt different, like I knew that I was going to reveal the answer today. It's absolutely amazing how sometimes we just know. Well when I got in and sat down she looked distressed, what about I had no idea if anything I should be the one looking like a damsel in distress! But thinking back on it I now know that it was because she was at the end of her tether, we just weren’t finding the solution. So she told me this would be our last section and on last sections she told me she went to her final resort. Real medical illnesses. I told her 'isn't being a psychological freak like me an illness?' she replied 'no psychology is all in the mind and to me I don't class that as being sick' so she asked me what I knew about any illness's that have happened in my family. I told her what I knew, cancer, hernia, period problems. Then she asked me about depressions in the family. I sat still I’d never thought of what my mum had told me as a sort of fallen depression, and I didn't want to, I didn't want to answer the question and I didn't want to think about it.

When she'd finally persuaded me to tell her and open up, I did and everything flowed out.

Obviously I don't want to write it all down now I mean I’m meant to be over it and fixed now I’m not going to tell it all over again. All I really feel like I can say is what she said was the answer she said this, and exactly this

'Yasmin, I think what happened to you is what triggered off all the things you've experienced in the past couple of months. But it isn't the entire answer, I mean if it was we wouldn't be here right now. What happened on that evening with that man didn't lead to the extent of both of your aunties. But it made you feel like what did happen to them will one day eventually happen to you. I can't read your mind but that’s my estimation and all the time that thought has been lingering in the back of you head. And you think that once it happens and is over and done with your depression will let go, but I will not let that happen I’m not going to let those awful things happen to you. I'm going to help you realize that it isn't and doesn't have to be like that.'

So she did she helped me get over it and I’m very grateful.

The 2nd debate

Weeks, months went by before we had another debate, I think the teacher got a little freaked out. ‘We're going to have another debate today' shouts the teacher over the notice, and as soon as he does it brings back all the counseling sections 'this time about abortions' I don't feel that worried then because it's not that bad. We move once again to the allocated place of the room. When were in full throttle of the debate I actually feel like I can share my story. I put my hand up and everybody falls silent, but I’m not going to let that hold me back. I start to speak...

'Well continuing Ann’s opinion about giving the child up to foster once born, I mean, well someone (my Auntie) once got pregnant I mean she didn't want to, no I mean didn't plan, well she got raped. And I mean she was against abortion so against everything she gave birth to the child. But when they went to clean it up they came back and said it was dead. Although she knew it wasn't because there had been no complications. I know that would never happen in this country. I mean the stories meant to point out that she went through that and then she began to love the child just to be told its dead. What nobody has ever found out was the truth but it's just the same giving it up for adoption? Your child is going to be out there thinking that its mother doesn't care and hates its biological mother. Who wants that?'

Ok so that was including my debate opinion but it still helped me talk about what happened, nobody knew that was real and was my family but it helped myself. Although my voice was shaking and I was a little scared it really did make me over come a little more of what I’d done nearly 4 months of counseling for, just like my counselor had said I’d slowly get over it a bit myself. What I’m proud of. Of course there was allot more messed up bullshit but maybe I’ll slowly cover that too and come to terms with it. Maybe? Hopefully…