By James Bauman
© January 9th 2007
There is a time in everyones life when they realize that they are being confronted with complete and utter danger. There I was at my favorite grandmother’s cottage in the August of 2001 when my moment of utter danger came to pass.
It was a very sunny Saturday morning in Inverhuron, the birds were already in shelter from the blazing heat and there was only a very slight ripple on the might waters of Lake Huron. I left the cool and very comfortable surroundings of the Victorian style cottage to brave the enveloping heat outside.
Before I went outside I had a notion that I was eventually going to go swimming, sometime during the sweltering but otherwise pristinely beautiful day. I changed into my swimming trunks and grabbed a towel off of the Chinese privacy screen.
When I had finally sat down on the ancient blue lounger which rested upon the hand laid stonework which surrounded the cottage and overlooked the water giving a magnificent view especially for someone in my situation. I rested upon the lounger as if it was a cloud that had come straight down from the heavens.
And after only a few short minutes I had forgotten how hot it was and was blissfully in a state of pure serenity. The water rushing up against the largely exposed rocks and the slight breeze which always seems to be coming off of the water. I felt like a million dollars and nearly pinched myself because the idea that my surroundings were actually a mirage.
I fell asleep within the hour and when I awoke I found that I had been asleep for nearly two hours. I felt like I had been hung on a spit and placed in a rotisserie. I had no hesitation as to what I was going to do — I quickly picked up my towel and put on my water shoes which I had used only the night before but thankfully they were now dry.
I walked down a very grassy and narrow path, across some tide pools to my final destination... the cool refreshing lake. As I passed by a most familiar boat launch which suspended a medium sized fiberglass boat about five feet above the water. I thought, when was the last time that Jack and Mural had used the boat. They were the aging couple that had lived beside my grandmother’s cottage in one of their own for nearly thirty unforgettable years.
I slowly waded into the water which I might add, was refreshing. The water was always almost purely calm and peaceful. The breeze had suddenly subsided, this was odd especially for the summer months. I began swimming farther out in to the water, and glided across the water on my back. Letting the water take me to where I was supposed to be taken.
I closed my eyes and awoke next to the rocky shore and with the boat launch not even ten feet to my right. I open my eyes even more as I felt a strangely unusual feeling start to tingle the hairs on my neck and the feeling slowly but surely moved down my spine.
I looked around me seeing no danger and then decided to engage my longstanding fear of something being in the fairly deep depths below me. I looked below me and saw a large green tube which bore the words which still to this day haunt me. Property of United States Military.
I had stumbled across a very dangerous and mysterious thing, I was horrified with the altogether grim possibilities, was it active? Was I going to die right then and there! My mind was a- flutter with scenarios and my heart felt as though it was made of lead. Thoughts of my mother, my father, my childhood imaginary friend and my dog skip. I started to cry and I was afraid that I was going to lose everything that I had held dear to me for so long.
A to my suprise a brief moment of courage flashed into my heart and I slowly backed away from the missile. I climbed up onto the rocky shore and began to run, run to the loving and caring arms of my mother.
She saw me running towards her and she came out of the cottage, arms opening and closing around me. I was back to where I was safe. We hugged for what seemed like ages, crying together even though she did not know what was wrong. But she was doing the one thing she knew how to do exactly.
After we had calmed down and stopped crying we phoned the police and the fire department. It was one of the most difficult times of my young life. The day still haunts me, not because of the missile but because of the thought of what I would have lost forever.
PS : I wrote this story as an entry to the contest for new beginnings because, from that day on my perspective of the normal and familiar changed, as did my outlook on life. It was a life altering event. I hope for your understanding.
A contest entry
- January StoryWrite New Members Contest by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended February 16, 2007, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For Children by silkwing.
170 points, ended January 11, 2007, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I liked this story alot. A liked the flow at which everything happened in it, I thought you gave just enough detail to make everything clear and easy to see in one's mind's eye but not to much as to just way the story down. And I also thought it was very intreasting.
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I thought I would return the favor. You're a good writer, and it shows with this. You definitely deserved the gold more than I did. The detail is good. It adds imagery. There a couple of minor errors, like needing to make "everyones" possessive by changing it to "everyone's". They're simple ones, though. The structure was good, too. Good job and good luck in the new-members contest.
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I liked it
This was good. It gave ne a creepy feeling from start to finish.
Thank you for sharing.
Amy
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My Review
To review a story properly, it is best to break it down into the neccessary elements.
The first thing needed is a good strong hook.
*There is a time in everyones life when they realize that they are being confronted with complete and utter danger. There I was at my favorite grandmother’s cottage in the August of 2001 when my moment of utter danger came to pass.*
Good, however, you repeated the phrase utter danger. This could be rewritten as:
*I remember the summer of 2001. I was at my favorite grandmother’s cottage, not expecting the moment of great danger that was ahead of me.*
The first sentence sets the time frame. As I opened it up to summer time (instead of August) it allows the reader to believe the story might take place over a lkonger period of time, which provides the possibility for moreto go wrong to you (the hero). The seond sentence establishe where you were, and provides the hook (story question) - What danger will occur?
*It was a very sunny Saturday morning in Inverhuron[.] [The] birds were already in shelter from the blazing heat[,] and there was only a very slight ripple on the [mighty] waters of Lake Huron. I left the cool and very comfortable surroundings of the Victorian style cottage to brave the enveloping heat outside.
Before I went outside I had a notion that I was eventually going to go swimming, sometime during the sweltering but otherwise pristinely beautiful day. I changed into my swimming trunks and grabbed a towel off of the Chinese privacy screen.*
At this point, you are drawing back. You made a statement that something awful was going to happen, then you walk away to a normal and quiet setting. This is an old horror/thriller technique that builds suspense. Very well played.
*I had finally sat down on the ancient blue lounger [and allowed my eyes to gaze over the] stonework which surrounded the cottage and overlooked the water. [It gave] a magnificent view[,] especially for someone in my situation. I rested upon the lounger as if it was a cloud that had come straight down from the heavens.
And after only a few short minutes I had forgotten how hot it was and was blissfully in a state of pure serenity. The water rushing up against the largely exposed rocks and the slight breeze which always seems to be coming off[ ]the water. I felt like a million dollars and nearly pinched myself[as I feel to beleiving] my surroundings were actually a mirage.*
A bit wordy at time. Still, you are setting the environment around you, to make it understood that this was paradise to you - and how could anything so wrong happen in paradise. However, at this point, you might have exposed too much paradise. What could go wrong in such a pristine environment? The reader begins to wonder if the hook was a red herring meant to deceive. He reads on.
*I fell asleep within the hour and when I awoke I found that I had been asleep for nearly two hours. I felt like I had been hung on a spit and placed in a rotisserie. I had no hesitation as to what I was going to do — I quickly picked up my towel and put on my water shoes which I had used only the night before but thankfully they were now dry.*
Okay. You fall asleep. A lot of bad things could happen there. However, you wake up, and are burnt. Water shoes? Must be considering a swim. It's logical enough and removes you from paradise. Bad things could now commence happening. Reader concern returns.
*I walked down a very grassy and narrow path, across some tide pools to my final destination... the cool refreshing lake. As I passed by a most familiar boat launch which suspended a medium sized fiberglass boat about five feet above the water. I thought, when was the last time that Jack and Mural had used the boat. They were the aging couple that had lived beside my grandmother’s cottage in one of their own for nearly thirty unforgettable years.
I slowly waded into the water which I might add, was refreshing. The water was always almost purely calm and peaceful. The breeze had suddenly subsided, this was odd especially for the summer months. I began swimming farther out in to the water, and glided across the water on my back. Letting the water take me to where I was supposed to be taken.
I closed my eyes and awoke next to the rocky shore and with the boat launch not even ten feet to my right. I open my eyes even more as I felt a strangely unusual feeling start to tingle the hairs on my neck and the feeling slowly but surely moved down my spine.
I looked around me seeing no danger and then decided to engage my longstanding fear of something being in the fairly deep depths below me. I looked below me and saw a large green tube which bore the words which still to this day haunt me. Property of United States Military.*
Some suspense, as the mood of the story changes. Paradise moves aside for the surreal. The green tube is a bit anti-climactic, but the reader presses on to see its purpose in the story.
*I had stumbled across a very dangerous and mysterious thing, I was horrified with the altogether grim possibilities, was it active? Was I going to die right then and there! My mind was a- flutter with scenarios and my heart felt as though it was made of lead. Thoughts of my mother, my father, my childhood imaginary friend and my dog skip. I started to cry and I was afraid that I was going to lose everything that I had held dear to me for so long.
A to my suprise a brief moment of courage flashed into my heart and I slowly backed away from the missile. I climbed up onto the rocky shore and began to run, run to the loving and caring arms of my mother. *
Okay, the green tube was a missile. That knowledge needed to come immediately. Two paragraphs later, it loses it's impact. The order of suspense is cause for concern - reaction, and by telling the reader the cause for concern after the fact, the cycle is interrupted. If you immediately show it's a missile then let the reaction flow they will ring much more true to the reader.
To understand what I mean, close your eyes. Picture a litle bunny on your lap.
Picture yourself screamin frantically in fear, so horrified that you can't get away.
Picture the nine inch daggers for teeth it has and the foaming at the mouth.
Does that build suspence? Yes. But the suspence could be built better by placing the cycle in it's correct order.
The bunny leaped upon my lap. It was tame, unlike others I had met before, so I thought nothing of reaching down to pet it, as if it were a pet.
However, when it's face turned to me, that opinion would change. With razor-sharp teeth nine inched long, and a froth at the side of its mouth, I knew this rabid beast would tear me asunder if I dared to move. I sought a scream from my throat, but the air would not escape. Fear kept it trapped within my lungs. All I could do was remain motionless, mentally pleading for my own life.
Cause for concern - then response ...
*She saw me running towards her and she came out of the cottage, arms opening and closing around me. I was back to where I was safe. We hugged for what seemed like ages, crying together even though she did not know what was wrong. But she was doing the one thing she knew how to do exactly.
After we had calmed down and stopped crying we phoned the police and the fire department. It was one of the most difficult times of my young life. The day still haunts me, not because of the missile but because of the thought of what I would have lost forever.*
The ending works well, as it wraps up the story with an acceptable ending. It's logical, and what any boy would do.
Now, I want you to think about this story, as there is a lot of promise here - A LOT.
This story is about fear of death. To this end, the missile is a character, nothing more. What is important is your emotional state.
You could have always ran away, and you did. What we need to know (correction - understand) is why you felt your life was threatened, and everthing that went through your mind from the moment you discovered your enemy (the missile) to the time you formulated your plan and ran away.
You also need to tighten your writing up a bit (removing uneccesary words) and you need to make minor corrections in your grammer and sentence structure. I started making some corrections, but stopped, as I know it can be frustrating when some editor marks up your whole story (I've been there).
Keep writing, and read - reading is more inmportant than writing, as it helps you buid your vocabulary and learn what other people are looking for in stories.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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A bit flowery and overflows with discriptions that I tried to skip over and then would feel bad and go back and read it again.
I think if I had an age for the character it would help me feel something for him. I felt like the detailing of the surrounding area was more important than him.
But this is a very unique idea and would love to see it expanded on.
beginning: 5, ending: 3.
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Good details. I look for all five sense; sound, sight, taste, smell, and touch. You have almost all of them in there. But I didn't find taste or smell. Could you have smelled the damp, murkiness of the water or the surrounding area? Cottages have their own smells also. Taste is the hardest to put in a story unless there is an eating scene.
Good luck in the contest.
~*Brooke*~ -
It's a really good story, but you use too many flowery words. Simple words get the point across better.
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This is an interesting story. Well written and expressed. I think it could have used more details as far as the "what was being seen".
There are some punctuation problems such as missing commas but for the most part itis structurally set up well. Good luck in the contest and welcome to SW. -
Thanks for enterring.
You give nice details of the surroundings. It let me sort of "be there". I was a little confused by the last sentence and the reference to the words. I am assuming they are the words you saw on the "large green tube", but at first I wasn't entirely sure and had to back track to see if I missed something.
It is quite an interesting story and as a result, I feel you could add a bit more detail to the happenings after the siting of the "tube". Of course, that could be material for the next chapter.
All in all, I enjoyed reading it. You might include some authors notes that clarify your connection between the story and the contest topic, just so it is clear to all the judges
Best of luck in the contest and, once more, welcome to StoryWrite
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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