Once upon a bath (and by "upon", I mean "in") there lived a rubber duck (and by "lived", I mean "floated lifelessly") named Humphrey (and by "Humphrey", I mean "Humphrey"). Humphrey found it depressing to be an inanimate object and often wondered what it was like being a real duck (he also wondered how he was able to wonder anything, being a rubber duck). Sometimes he prayed to Pinocchio (the patron saint of inanimate objects that wanted to live) for a miracle, or a fairy, or a whale (he couldn't quite remember how Pinocchio had become a real boy) that would free him from this rubber prison (not to mention the disgusting naked people who often invaded his pond).1
One day, Jim (one of the aforementioned disgusting naked people) decided to multitask and set up a lightning rod while he was bathing. In the middle of a thunderstorm. He leaned out the window, trying to attach the long metal rod to the side of the house while at the same time scrubbing a few of those hard to reach places, when he was suddenly (but not unexpectedly) struck by lightning and fried to a disgusting naked crisp. The lightning arced into the bathtub and jolted Humphrey into unconsciousness (although technically he was never conscious in the first place).2
Humphrey woke up feeling wet. Being wet wasn't unusual for him, but feeling it was. He looked around (also a new experience) and saw the Barbecue Formerly Known as Jim, which reminded him of the lightning incident. Had the lightning turned him into a real duck? He moved his head around. He wiggled his tail. He was alive!3
An overjoyed Humphrey climbed up the steaming mound of Jim, ready to explore his new alive-ness. When he reached the window sill, he gracefully catapulted himself into the air and he was spreading his wings and...4
Wait a second. He spread his wings and...5
Uh oh. His wings weren't spreading. He was falling. Plummeting. Humphrey looked at his wings and realized that although he was alive, he was still made of rubber and his wings were little more than raised edges on his body. He felt the rush of his descent and looked back down in time to see the ground and scream before he hit it...
And bounced harmlessly off because luckily he was still made of rubber. Humphrey shook himself off and waddled away.6
He decided it was the whale that turned Pinocchio into a real boy, so he set off to find some whale magic for himself. He hitchhiked to the Atlantic, where he scoured the ports for a ship doomed to sink. Eventually, he settled on the Titanic 2 (the USS George W. Bush was a close second) and stowed away in the ship's toilet (there was no bath, only a shower). He was lucky in two things: that he was already yellow, and that the toilet didn't flush properly. He bravely waited for the inevitable disaster.7
Meanwhile, somewhere near the north pole, terrorists attacked the barren glaciers. Using all their firepower and suicide bombers, they managed to break an enormous iceberg the size and shape of New Jersey from the Arctic shelf and with a series of controlled explosions they sent it careening (very slowly actually, it was an iceberg) toward Washington D.C.8
Unfortunately, most terrorists come from underdeveloped countries with poor education systems and math classes that don't bother teaching algebra, let alone the principles of iceberg-aiming. The iceberg missed Washington D.C. and the White House by several hundred miles, finally crashing into, you guessed it, the USS George W. Bush. Before the ship went completely under, someone managed to shoot a flare out into the night, but because of the Leave No Child Behind Act, most of his education had been glazed over to help him pass, leaving him without the mathematical or common sense skills necessary to shoot a flare upward. Instead he fired it at the Titanic 2, and just before he drowned (they didn't bother teaching him to swim either) he was able to watch the entire ship go up in flames.9
Luckily for Humphrey, the fire engulfing the ship heated up the pipes, which allowed a certain blockage to pass so that he could be successfully flushed out into the ocean while everyone else was burned to death. He was almost immediately swallowed by a large whale who was hoping for some nice barbecued ribs (and he found plenty once the ship went down). Humphrey dried himself on the whale's tonsils and asked it to turn him into a real duck.10
"You stupid duck," the whale answered, "it was the blue fairy that done turned Pinocchio into a real boy." It munched contentedly on Leonardo DiCaprio (who was on the Titanic 2 writing a sequel to the movie Titanic, which he cleverly titled "Titanic 2").11
"Where can I find the blue fairy?" asked Humphrey, "Is she in here too?" He watched most of Leo float into the abyss of the whale's stomach.12
"Well, maybe she is, and maybe she ain't, but this here's a more difficult problem than Pinocchio's. I dunno why, somethin' to do with the feathers mebbe. Fact is, you gonna need to resurrect the greatest fairy of them all."13
"Tinkerbell?"14
"Hitler."15
"That sounds kind of like a bad idea."16
"Are you a chicken or a duck?"17
Humphrey couldn't argue with that. Guided by the whale, he prepared the ritual sacrifice that would resurrect Hitler. Fortunately, there were plenty of people in the whale's stomach who were only half-dead and at least half-Jewish, plus an unread copy of Mein Kampf (aren't they all?). He followed all of the instructions, and as he chanted the final "Heil Mary", there was a great rumbling sound.18
"Sorry," said the whale, "Gas."19
Then came a different sound, a sound like Satan having diarrhea (and as a matter of fact, that's what it was), as Hitler shot up from the ocean's depths. He was covered in something that looked like Satan's diarrhea (and as a matter of fact--well, you know what it was). He looked at the whale, and he looked at the rubber duck, and he proceeded to take over the world. The Nazis and the whales formed an alliance that quickly overcame the free world and everyone was either killed or Nazi-ized. And Humphrey was doomed to the hell of Hitler's bathtub for the remainder of the Fourth Reich. The end.
A contest entry
- Bath Time by Rebel Rebel.
204 points, ended January 18, 2007, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Be a Storyteller by The Imagined.
400 points, ended January 22, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me want to read more! by InMemoryofCharlieJr.
125 points, ended February 18, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Write Any Story You Want by Metallica Fan.
100 points, ended February 21, 2007, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please don't trust the whales
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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hahaa, no one rights them like you do. Do they?
all hail the King of Funny
Schnitzel
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HAHAHA LMAO ROFL LOL FOCL!!! SO FUNNY!!! LOVE IT! HHAHAHAHAHAHA
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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FOCL?
French Order of Clergy Lickers? Fork Of Cranberry Lovers? Film Of Canned Lasagna? Filet Of Canine Licorice? Field Official of Cannon Launching? Falling Off Chair Laughing? Fool Old Chums Last? -
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the second last 1 was right
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fall off chair laughing. lol
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*gasps* can't...breathe.....to much....laughing
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very funny
it was ok, for a story abouta rubber duck, it was funny made me lol a lot keep keep up the good job and thinks for the laugh
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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness that was the randomest thing I've ever read. You are so funny its rather scary, actually. (and by "Humphrey" I mean "Humphrey") LOL! Gosh, this was hilarious. Rubber ducks, BBQ humans, whales, fairies, devil poop, Hitler, uneducated terrorists, and oh God. It was hilarious. hhahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
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Lmao. Rubber ducks are awesome! Hitler? A fairy? He had to have been bisexual then. And omg where do you come up with this stuff?
x.lIZ.x -
4:28 in the morning...not afternoon. I really should think before I comment shouldn't I? Thought I think this is giving you points, or do you only get points from applause? I think it's the latter. I'll give you some to make it worth while...otherwise...it's pointless...Again...Byeeeee.
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It's ermm...4:28 btw. I figured I can't blame the time if you didn't know the time. I mean cause in true you might get this tomorrow/later today and think I left it a few minutes before you signed on..so I thought I clarify. Bye now.
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Only you could put ducks and Nazis in the same story. I'm impressed. Now that I said that, I can't stop laughing. I blame the time, not your writing. I will never admit you're funny. Never!!! Neveer!!!! Nev-- *gets shot* Ne...v...er.
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Why didn't I see it coming. A rubber duck wanting to be human and ends up allowing Hitler to take over the world. Your ability to take nothing and make something is very well developed. I can forgive you for the Hitler thing as I was also wondering how to make a funny story with Hitler, know I know and I'm glad I didn't attempt it. but apart from that the humor and sarcasism was great. Fun read.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Cool
I like this story alot especially the ducks. Ducks are the best!!!!!!! -
BWAHAHAHAHA
I LOVE THIS! You did SUCH a great job with the humor and the one liners and the parenthesis (OH, the parenthesis)!
I loved how random this was with only the barest bones storyline holding it together. In fact, I think this story is the literary equivalent of 'Family Guy,' which, if you've ever seen the show, you'll understand the reference (hopefully).
But (really) I loved (seriously adored) the parenthesis jokes (even better than footnotes - take that, David Foster Wallace!) because I love (there's that word again) intersperced humor (a man walked into a bar and said OUCH) much like British Monty Python humor (No one EXPECTS the Spanish Inquisition!) with the cute asides.
Um, so yeah. Great job. Enjoyed it.
Poor duck. He never did find the blue fairy. Too bad this isn't a Spielburg (sp?) movie, because then all he'd need is to wait about 1000 years for aliens to arrive to grant him his wish.
Dude totally ruined that movie. Shame! -
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Thank you for giving my parantheses the credit they deserve (they often go unnoticed, which leads them to depression and suicidal tendencies. Last week, one of them hung himself with a question mark). I would say they're my favorite punctuation.
I also appreciate your comparison to Monty Python (they rank up there with parentheses on my favorites list), and because of that I'll overlook your Family Guy reference (even if I deserved it
).
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I love this story it was funny, well it was dark humor but great,
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Thia funny as hell! I love it. You just may be a finalist! Great job!!
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ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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I keep running into this story, so I read it again (though I don't like to reread things therefore I don't usually) but yours is one of those stories where you don't mind reading it again because it's that good. Good job.
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YOU ARE A FUNNY FUNNY BOY!!!!!!!!!
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Hilarious!
I loved this! I agree was DarkAspect, it did't have a great ending, but it was very funny all the same... my favorite part was this...
Sometimes he prayed to Pinocchio (the patron saint of inanimate objects that wanted to live)
Clever... -
easy to read and very funny
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nice
It was really funny, but the ending wasn't too great... I didn't know that Hitler was a fairy... interesting... AMAZING! I really liked the way you used the parenthesesese... I can't spell so neh... and yeah.. It was a really good story. -
One of the funniest things I've seen
This whole thing was awesome and it had all kinds of funny puns, and the like. What I loved the most however had to be the Pinocchio the patron saint thing. Also I think it was pretty darn funny that Hitler was the greatest fairy. Keep writing cause they just keep getting funnier and funnier. The question you ask the reader is funny to.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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NOOOO
POOR patito ( spanich fo ducky)
how could you ? naw I kid I kid I loved it.
especialy ure thoughts ( the one in the parenthesis)
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Great +
I loved your story. you are probably the best writer on the site. Your humour and sarcasm more then make up for your occasional lack of plots. -
Lol, that's hilarious. But Hitler must be a pervert. He didn't think it awkward to bathe with a living rubber duck?
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Would you really put it past him? I mean...he's Hitler.
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I like the name of the USS George W. Busch. That was pretty great. I feel bad that Humphrey had to stay in the tub with Hitler for the rest of his life. That would be a bad sight to look at, considoring the one testicle thing and what not. Im happy that I wasnt drinking anything while reading this story because it was equally funny. Good job.
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I very much like this story! It has a good beginning, middle and end, but the beginning was my definite favorite. The opening paragraph was so humorous and attention-catching that I read it twice.
I like where you wrote: "Humphrey found it depressing to be an inanimate object and often wondered what it was like being a real duck (he also wondered how he was able to wonder anything, being a rubber duck). Sometimes he prayed to Pinnochio (the patron saint of inanimate objects that wanted to live) for a miracle." According to the Story-Write spell check, it's "Pinochio", but I think I've seen it both ways.
Pinochio, the patron saint of inanimate objects---I wonder if my talking dental floss knew about that. Good work with this. It's satirical, clever, and while the ending was far from what I expected, that added to the irony. You are a regular Charles Dickens of the twenty-first century. =)
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Thanks for pointing that out, I knew I should have looked it up. And now that I did, it's actually "Pinocchio". All fixed now. Thanks, good luck with the talking dental floss.
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Whale of a story.
You should have entitled it: "Moby Duck". I loved it and I never knew that my bathtub would inspire such great writing. Please stick around because I am going to do me a Shower Contest and want you to entry it too. I want Crazy Scott down there to enter too. I have never done one but I do believe that my next Contest will be a collaboration one. I will ask two people to grab a shower stall and a bar of soap and go for it...
I like this rubber duckie story. The theme of world dominion suits my bathtub to the tee. I am waiting for someone to come along and write an anaconda in my bath water story next. Wink. -
Heh. Heh heh heh.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... *GASP* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Not bad, don't get a big head. *snickers uncontrollably*
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Will you enter the Contest?
Could you write me a bathtime story about the little navy boat I used to play with as a child in my bathtub? Could ya turn it into a fleet of boats and host World War III navy battles in my tub? I am really counting on you?
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Okay. I will not tell you.
I shall say nothing until it is finished. Smile. But I did read it even though it is not finished. I could not help myself. Wink.
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For shame.
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I it like...uh...done even yet?
Not that I would want to rush literary perfection. Wink.
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