Back in the days of the American Civil War my sister and I played on lush green lawns on the grounds of the hotel my parents owned. Hotel On Hollow Hill was what it was called. It was the most beautiful sight most folks were ever blessed enough to see. Many an hour my sister and I played hide and seek and tag. Often we played with the slave's children even though daddy would have tanned our hides if he ever found out. 1
'The only way to run this hotel is to show the slaves who are boss-and it's not them.' My daddy would say in his proud southern drawl.2
'Yes, sir,' I would answer, while looking at the hardwood floors. My daddy wasn't a man who minced words, nor did he spare the rod on his children.3
My name is Jebidah, don't laugh. It's an old family name. Now on the other hand my sister's name was Fanny. Her name caused our schoolmates many laughs and my sister many tears.4
Maybe it was the constant teasing that caused her to grow up to be so heartless, so very callous, so down right hateful. 5
Oftentimes, the boys would put huge toads, warts and all into her bonnet. Other times, she found long brown wiggling worms in lunch bag. She would often cry to Mother about the relentless teasing but Mother would not budge.6
'Any daughter of mine is surely strong enough to deal with such childish pranks.' My mother would recite word for word each time Fanny dared to complain. 7
My mother was a stern woman with a sharp nose and thin mouth. Her eyes gave away the only hint of love and even life in her soul. She was a thin woman of average height. Mother walked tall and she seemed to be taller than she really was.8
All in all, I must say we had a decent childhood. We had slaves who lived on the grounds of our hotel. They worked the yards, the fields and inside the hotel. We always had food on our table. Mother and Daddy loved us with a strict hand but a loving heart. My daddy would whoop me with one hand while holding me gently with the other. If my mother had to beat us she'd do so with a tear in her eye.9
I knew our parents loved my sister and I fiercely. They raised us up to be proud, intelligent and head strong. We loved with our hearts and thought with our minds.10
My parents died in a railroad accident when I was 25 and Fanny had just turned 28. I never trusted a train, I always stuck with my horse and buggy and was very happy with that. Fanny felt the same. Most people of our generation found the railroad to be enchanting. Most of the older folks were afraid of it, in our family it was the opposite.11
After my parents death Fanny and I took over the hotel. Fanny took over the paperwork and ruled with an iron fist. By now slavery had been abolished and we had to start paying workers to do housekeeping and tend to the grounds. Fanny took over being chef along with the paperwork. I took charge of the yards and plantation. Even though we missed our parents dearly we did okay.12
About twenty years or so after my parents death Fanny turned on us all. She became bitter and angry all the time. Fanny was often heard screaming at the workers and calling them all sort of unladylike names.13
I would hear our people saying horrible things in the heat of the day. They would wish my sister dead. I was in shock that they felt that way. We paid our workers far better than any other industry in our area.14
One man in particular was often heard saying how he wished Fanny would just die, or move on. This man, Walter, was often caught by Fanny pinching the hind ends of our chambermaids. Walter had many affairs with women who stayed at our hotel even though he had a beautiful young wife at home with a daughter who had not even been weaned from her mother's breast.15
Months dragged by, summer turned to winter and back into summer. The anger between Walter and Fanny had grown daily. I never thought much of it though. Fanny was tough. Fanny was strong, Fanny was used to being the talk of others.16
One hot July day I awoke and made my way down to the first floor expecting to see Fanny at the front desk just as always. But today, she was not there. I had our chambermaids search the hotel and she was no where to be found.17
This was odd behavior for my sister. I thought maybe she had an appointment in town and forgot to mention it. Unusual yes, but not inconceivable.18
The hotel, which was full, started to awaken and children could be heard crying from the heat and out of hunger. Or maybe it was boredom. Children were getting away with more and more I have often thought. If Fanny or I ever even thought of saying we were bored we would be put to work either at the hotel or on our studies.19
All at once I heard about five, maybe six women screaming on the front lawn. There was Fanny, or her head anyway, hanging from a tree. Her poor body had been hacked up and scattered across the lawn, looking somewhat like a child's puzzle after he got frustrated and threw the pieces into the air.20
At the same time, Walter, who was due to report to work promptly at eight that morning, was nowhere to be found. Eyebrows raised at this 'coincidence.'21
The sheriff was dispatched promptly and I was to retell how I found my dear sister at least ten times. He and I both guessed Walter had a hand in her death but he was nowhere to be found. My sister's death was to go unpunished.22
I mourned my sister's death far more greatly than that of my parents. My sister had turned out to be my rock amongst the storm after they died. She taught me a lot about life and running a hotel. I missed her fiercely. 23
I wanted to leave the hotel and let it rot. Family honor prevented me from doing so. So instead I worked hard to put he past behind me, but the oddities had just begun with my sister's untimely passing.24
Author notes
I'm not sure about this, it just came into my head. I knew how I wanted it to start, I know how I want it to end, I just have to fill in the middle. LOL I really don't write 'stories' I 'write' poetry, or so I'm told. lol
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Alot of background and nicely detailed. All and all a good write. Keep it up. -Annie-
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this is a really good story for some one who claims not to write stories. The only thing i have to say is that the story has been way to hurried. Slow down and fill in all the details. When u do detailed work u become a great writer instead of some one who just writes things down. My idea for u is to write a story as u would a pohing detailed and give a thousand little symbolic flashes, like at the end, before he finds the body, have the sun set or sun rise be very red and angry semming, forshadowing rasies suspence and the ending could have used that alot. I like the idea behind the story tho i have no idea where its going to end up. u do and thats all thats im portant right? lmao, great job on this story and good luck on the contestr
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Hehehe this is cool. I can just imagine Fanny coming back from the dead, or travelling along the lawns scaring away the customers.
I have not read something in a long time that has kept me as captivated as this story has.
Well done, it was a great write (or so I think). Hope you come up with more soon. -
I liked the way you wrote this. It was very entrancing and vivid. I really like crime stories, but i usually don't read historical crime ones, but this one caught my eye. It might do with a little editing, but for a first draft this is very very good. Good luck in the contest.
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The story is very well written, but... you did not give me enough details to buy into the sister being killed simply because she she yelled regularly at the workers. It needs much more detail. Show me a plausable reason for someone to do such a horrible thing to her, because it is one thing to kill someone, and quite another to hack their body to bits. That is a crime of passion, anger being a form of passion. So I need to understand what caused such anger, otherwise, I can't suspend disbelief.
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WOW!
First off I just need to pull you up on a couple of errors, nothing major though.
In the part that begins:
"Oftentimes, the boys would put huge toads, etc"
you left out the word her out from the sentence
"Other times, she found long brown wiggling worms in [her] lunch bag".
Also you've used a capital letter for mother and daddy at several points during the narrative mid-sentence.
In the very last line of the chapter you left the 't' out of 'the' from - "So instead I worked hard to put (t)he past behind me."
Other than those minor mistakes this is a really impressive write. I've only got through a couple so far but this was the one that held my attention most.
You've created a flowing narrative with vivid imagery and an intriguing plot.
I could hear the southern drawl of the characters as I read the dialog and I'm truely captured by your capability in so far as this chapter is concerned.
I would definately be encouraged to read on with this opening as a taster of things to come, you have delivered this with a professional edge that I'm impressed with.
Good luck in the contest,
MarquisB -
Well I liked it, though with how calm the narrotor brother guy is when he talks about the death, I'm thinking he's screwy in the head? Maybe? But ya this definatly caught my attention and I wanna see what "oddietes" occur next. You have a good way with words and, ya, I guess you could let us get to know Fanny a bit more. I know I always have the same problem, knowing what I want to begin with and to end with and a bit of the middle, but have to struggle through the rest. More detail could improve it and you seem like someone who has a good handle on words so that probably wouldn't be too hard. Great start though.
Edited on Jul 06 because ''. -
It was good and all but you could have made your paragraphs longer and more descriptive. I like the whole spin off of house on haunted hill though. And you could have described the head on the lawn and the body parts in better detail. this would be great as a rough draft
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I agree with Ravenlord that you killed off Fanny way too abruptly and with little to no detail. You did bring the characters in rather well and let the reader know some interesting information about them. I can't truthfully say that I enjoyed this, but that is because I'm not interested much in mystery. Even though I wouldn't personally read it, this is a well written piece and a good start to a mystery novel. (good luck with the adhd! I think to myself that I have it sometimes...lol)
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I won't be changing anything on this. Mostly because since I wrote this, I never thought of it again. It's a habit of mine. I have adult adhd and it shows. Lol Thanks for reading anyhow.
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wow... this is really powerful, you said you don't write stories but you should- I would love to read more and I hope you continue it cause that twist at the end really got me hooked!! please write more!
~Autumn -
wow, this was really detailed and descriptive. you gave us great background information and did a wonderful job introducing us to the major characters. i also like the spooky twist to it, i love reading stuff like that. you set it up well and it's an interesting hook, i'd come back to read more.
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This built quite well, but Fanny's death (IMO) came too soon and, as such, didn't get the impact it probably should have. I mean, we don't know her beyond a few details provided by your narrator, and so her death really doesn't touch your reader.
The setting is quite interesting. Being Australian, I'm not overly familiar with the entire Southern setting (beyond studying the Civil War in passing), so it was good to read something. Is Jeremiah racist? If so, it could probably do with more annunciation early on.
A good start though, and I assume this will branch of into a half mystery/half vengeance thing, but I could be wrong. I could also see it having that horror feel too. Haunted hotels are a cliche though, so if that's where you're going, make sure you make it stand out. -
I really hope you go on with this, I'm looking forward to reading more - so far, I was completely enchanted by it. You have an amazing imagination, I envy you! While reading it, I would have liked to know more about the narrator's relationship with her sister, although it might not fit, depending on where this story is going. I think this is an amazing intro...and I really hope you continue the story...if for nobody else, for me? *looks hopeful*
-Proxy -
Misty - I greatly enjoyed this...looking forward to more - I don't usually read stories but the horror bit intrigued me. Let's see more victims in the next part! I think you did an excellent job on this.
Will be on the lookout for Part Two!
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If you click on this esp from the featured area please comment...I worked hard on this and if I don't get a response I don't think I'll even bother moving forward, this is my first try at a story...help me out please...
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Wow. I love this. That was definitely an interesting turn of events when they found her head hanging from the tree. This story is a true work of art. Brilliant. It really made me want to read more, which is odd because I usually don't really like stories like this. Anyway, great write. Let me know when you write more on this, if you wouldn't mind. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading it.
~Miranda -
Misty Heart, your tallent is in stories and poems, but you need to give yourself a break. Your a true master at your work.Saddie23
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