They say he is a strange man that the devil himself is afraid of him; so afraid that not even Hell welcomed him in. Well that man just happens to be my uncle.
My uncle always was the other one; you have lovely daughters.... why thank you; the other one is around here somewhere. Now i'm not entirely sure when it all fell apart, but I do know this...
June 14, 1977; It was my uncle's birthday, his 14th birthday to be precise. He had always wanted buck knife, but instead he got some boxers and a pair of blue jeans; he only seemed to be a little disappointed until three days later when his sister held a brand new buck knife; he watched as she smiled and held the knife as if it was going to grow legs and run away.
Three days later the whole family was out in the orchard of walnut trees looking for the little girl with her brand new buck knife, but instead what they found was a gutted, what appeared to be a girl, floating and drifting along a bloody irrigation canal. In order to give her a proper burial they drained the canal, instead of finding the girl's insides they found the family dog skinned and the farmer next door's cattle.
Four months later they found my uncle out in the orchard tied to a walnut tree with all his limbs missing; this I didn't understand until about five days ago when my dog went missing and my mom said to me that he had ran away.
It wasn't my uncle that the family needed to worry about it was my mother the jealous sister; that never was satisfied with anything. Well that doesn't matter anymore because now she is hanging by her neck out on the front porch tangled in the Christmas lights.
In truth I don't know why I killed her; all I know is that I just did. But while I watched my mother strangling in the Christmas lights I couldn't help but wonder why my mother said that the devil his self was afraid of my uncle if my mother had killed him? Did she neglect to tell me part of the story?
I......what was that? Something's coming after me. What did I do? What have I done? Charlie...uncle charlie is...is that you? Stop it you're hurting me...mommy help me mommy please help me! I turned around to find that her neck had finally broke. Oh God what have I done? What have I....
Author notes
YAPAPA. I have revised and added more to this story. the boy at the end of the story is cut off by his uncle's spirit and his own death. If the boy got to finish his last sentence the last word would have been done.
A contest entry
- SHOW, don't tell... by sodancewithsoda.
175 points, ended February 4, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Work by beezy92.
160 points, ended February 7, 2007, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Surprise Me by kelseyo.
175 points, ended March 2, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Enter whatever you want... by OkapiShomapi.
450 points, ended December 26, 2007, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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"They say he is a strange man that the devil himself is afraid of him"
Do you mean he is "such" a strange man? This first line is good, but slightly confusing.
Second paragraph is good, a nice introduction to the character already. However, watch the use of semicolons. Sometimes a comma will suffice
Oh my gosh, as the bodies turn up... nice style, nice voicing.
The ending is good, but slightly confusing as the blame switches to the mother (from the Uncle). Maybe you could add more about how the mother is connected to the whole situation.
I find myself pitying the uncle and the mother, and not liking the narrator. Is that intentional?
Anyway, this is a nice story, the voicing is nice. I would like to learn more, though!
Thanks, and good luck!
annye -
Wow. That was a little disturbing, but i was surprised. Good luck in my cotntest.
xoxo
Kelsey -
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your name is kelsey awesome my name is chelsy
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good job (= good luck in the contest
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It was interesting. I thought it was really unique. I wasn't sure on some parts thought, it got a little confusing. I am glad I read it!
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Scarey family. But a little hard to follow as to who is doing what to whom type of thing.
I do find the concept extremely original and would love to see you rework this.
Some Capitals are missing on words --Uncle Charlie for example.
Over all tho, a good read.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 3, characters: 1.
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Thank you for complying with most of what I asked for, however, you did not put the YAPAPA bit (it doesn't affect how much I liked and enjoyed the story, but I do want to see if the participants actually read the rules 
or maybe you did but found that part silly ^_^)
I felt extremely curious when I began to read this, in fact the first line drew me in. But... it sort of fell apart. Your first line held a lot of promise, and the following parts merely paled in comparison to them.
Please don't take me wrong, this would have been a nice scary movie. It did have a nice plot, a storyline which could have been made longer as to ellaborate certain things. As I was reading this, I could imagine most of what had been happening - but the most of the questions that entered my mind were not answered. I just am wondering why if even "the devil is afraid of him," he still got killed. I feel you need to explain some things, since I was not able to picture everything as vividly as you may have wanted me to.
I also felt that some details may have been lacking. There were times when you shifted tenses (present to past) and some sentences were a bit awkward.
If ever you do change some of the things here, I would love to read it again. After all, I would be reading the entries before "the judgement."
Thank you so much for this entering this story (horror/suspense work without using any synonyms throughout the entire story) into this contest
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i would have put it in the category twist but there isn't one like that
beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 1.
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Plot is okay
The plot of your story is alright, but I'm not so sure about the rest of it. You rushed everything a little too excessively, and you had this bad habbit of running five or six sentences together. You might be able to make the contest if you lengthen your sentences and describe more.
Peace out,
Mebeginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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I'm sorry, but this is not long enough for my contest. The minimal entry length is 1500 words, this is only 300. Please extend the story or submit a different one. Thank you.
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