My very own revelation

*** Please note ***1

That before you read this - you should know that this means a great deal to me.  It came from the pit of my heart, where no one really takes the time to go.  And just for "mood" settings - I cried during the whole writing of this.  I imagine that I will suffer great puffiness in the morning for the cause of realizing something really important about myself.  And I believe it's only fair to me, that everyone should have the opportunity to know this information about me.  It took a great deal of depression and pity for me to get to this point.  And please know - it is not "conceit" it is self-acceptance, and there is a WORLD of difference in the two.  Now - on with it!2

As I sit here crying, I'm thinking of so many things.  Things no one really knows I think about.  Things I personally feel that people don't notice.  And if they do notice they don't let me know that.  They don't realize or see the "deepness" and the beauty of all things meaningful in my life.  Things I even sometimes forget to see myself.  And when I do see them, I weep.  I weep because I am reminded how wonderful, beautiful, meaningful, precious & oh so important & necessary they are in my life.  That without them - what? who? or where would I be?  Or without me - what? who? and where would they be?3

So instead of crying & waiting for someone to appreciate me, for that "pat on the back", that little message from someone that really cares, that really loves me - that would make me happy for an eternity, I've realized - I don't need you  .  Thank you anyway - but all this time waiting and hoping, I've finally realized it was only ME who I needed to see it.  Only ME who had to say it.  So now I'm ready to say it.4

I love my life - flaws and all.  Without the flaws I wouldn't be me.  I wouldn't be "real".  My life & all it's existence - wouldn't be MINE if it weren't JUST the way it is.  5

I'm so very blessed.  Underneath not always having the money to pay for bills, buy oil for heat, go shopping for fun - EVER, buy gifts for other people even family........ underneath that mess in my house that I'm often too lazy to clean, underneath my "insecurities" some I even enjoy like.... sleeping in and staying up late, being late for anything and everything, getting fired from a job more than once    that's me.  And I love every part of me.6

Having a guy get me pregnant at a young age - so careless we were.  Most would say and HAVE said - "What were you thinking?"  But how BLESSED was I???  To get pregnant at a young age, to go through that "wretchedly" amazing experience.  And pull through it so wonderfully, so strongly.  To be able to look my "experience" in the eyes everyday and be so very proud to say - "That's MY son!"  "That is MY blessing!".7

Married or not - I made that unspoken commitment to Eric the day I met him.  And look - eight years later.  How lucky am I?  I am one of the "lucky" one's.  My guy stayed.  My guy loves me.  "My guy" is part of what makes me who I am.  And how lucky am I?  He's the best daddy for my - for "our" little blessing.  Who else would love me the way he does?8

And this bright-eyed, feisty little boy.  This kindergartner who has such a personality.  Who has no friends, no siblings and yet shares better than any kid I've seen.  He "loves" like no kid I've seen.  He "helps" like no kid I've seen.  I take one look at him - and even on my worst day, my most "man i hate this miserable world" kind of day - and I see everything I ever needed to know - right there in this little five year old boy.  Not just any five year old boy - MY five year old.9

And for so long - I've waited, yearned, cried myself to sleep waiting for someone to just say to me "Well done!" because they saw it too.  Instead of "nit-picking" the meaningless, minuscule, petty things that somehow always seem to find a way to rise to the surface of our whole existence as a human being - and take over.  How DO they DO that???  And all "that" just to realize - how simple!?  I didn't really need all of you, or any of you.10

As much as I wanted it from my mom, my dad, my sister, my friends and what I would do to see it in my mother's eyes and just know - she was proud of me.  Not because she "has to be" by default, not because she "is" because yea she thinks I'm doing "OK".  But to just see it in her eyes and just know.  I realized now - I don't need it from you!  How selfish of me anyway.11

And there are things I hate.  Like why my son has to suffer and not be "loved" the way he deserves.  It makes me cry that not too many people take the time to see the greatness in such a small child.  That because of that - it brings out the worst in him.  You ever notice that if you give a child the littlest bit of attention and make them feel like the most important person in the world - just because you took the time to smile at them?  Imagine how much more "loving" as a person that child will grow up to be.  Now take the exact opposite - say you ignored that same child, gave him/her a nastier look, imagine the message you just sent out to that child.  The hatred you instilled because you couldn't smile, or let them feel "comfortable" in your presence.  You've basically just told that child - "you don't deserve to be loved by me".  Now imagine that child's life.  They just want to be important to somebody, they just want to "exist" , they just want to be loved.12

I pray my son turns out to be at least HALF of what I am today.  I am a wonderful person.  I am the best mother anyone could have given my son.  I am the greatest girlfriend or "wife to be" or someday "wife", companion, friend.  And I love myself for every bit of who I am.  And I am proud of me.  And although people try and sometimes come close to succeeding - they can not take that away from me.13

I am.........   I am me.14

- Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.15

King Henry V Act ll Sc. 416

William Shakespeare17