Listen To Me

10/8
Just a few days ago I was telling myself how I was the happiest person in the world. I looked at the grass and wonder why somebody wanted grass to be green and the sky to be blue. Somebody has different colors for everything. When night falls it becomes dark. Seems like the inside of my head. Sometimes I think there is nothing in it, but sometimes there is. There's pain. I did something dumb in school yesterday I just know it. I can feel it, but I can't seem to remember it. So today I went out and bought this diary because I thought I could write something down and actually have somebody listen to me, even if it ain't human. At least it's something. I couldn't bring myself to share it with another living thing but myself. Just like anything else in my life, it's just nothing. I fell in love today with a jock boy. Somebody who doesn't even know I care. Yesterday he asked me out, but it wasn't what I wanted. He played a terrible trick on me and I can't believe I fell for it in the first place. I must be so dumb to even believe someone like Darrius Taylor would talk to someone like me. I’m a nobody. Well I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

-Sinclair

10/9
Hey I’m back. I’m here at school and I can tell you that it is not the best place to be. They say education is the key to success. But it's really you who is the key to do what you want to do. Just because you graduate from high school, don't mean you'll get the job that pays well. People never know that just because you graduate, don't mean you'll be rolling in green. People could be working at McDonald’s till they're 50 years old or older than that. Life never turns out the way you want it to. Your life could be going great one day and just one little thing could go wrong, and your life is nothing all over again. But life isn’t easy and my mom and dad have to figure that out. High school ain't nothin' but hell, and I refuse to get burn in the process. See you when I see you.

-Sinclair

10/16
Sorry it's taken me like forever to get back to you. My mom and dad had to go hospital. And guess what? I will be expecting a little brother or sister in about 9 months. How could they do this to me? Like the kids they have now ain't bad enough they got to add one more. I don't have to take care of anybody else, I’m barely taking care of myself, let alone someone kid. They need to send me to live with someone, a family member or something. I will not and I repeat, will not live in the house with a baby crying in my ears every night and day. Forget it. Well I gotta jet. Talk to you when I do.

-Sinclair

11/4
Told you I’ll talk to you when I talk to ya. It would have been sooner, but I’ve been grounded. I skipped school and my mom and dad caught me walking on the side of the street on their way home from the hospital (again). They took everything in my room, everything I own, even you. I was left with a blanket, pillow, and clothes. My life is crazy and my parents are crazier. They asked me why I skipped school and I told them that school wasn't for me, and that I didn't need to go. They whup the living lord have mercy out of me. Parents! They don’t know what I do through. Well I gotta go.

-Sinclair


11/5
I’m back and boy were my parents going on and on about nothing. It went in one ear and out the other. I had no time to listen to them, nothing they were saying was important to me. School was the same you know nothing has chance since then. Except for something, but no I can’t say. Well ok since you begged me, I’ll tell you. This boy...a geek asked me out. I waited until there was a lot of people around before I said no so people would consider me cool for dissing a boy, but I was wrong. I was teased and tormented more for it and in the process of that I broke a boy’s heart. So I don’t know what to do. What should I do? Should I talk to him and tell him I’m sorry? That I only did it so people would like me, but it didn’t work? Hopefully he’ll find it in his heart to forgive me and we can be friends. It would be the first one I ever had and hopefully he’ll stay around. See ya lata.

-Sinclair


11/6
Only 24 hours has past by and my parents were at it again. As soon as I got done writing you yesterday my dad came in here and started beating me. What for? You got me because even I don’t know why I deserve it. He finally told me why he hit me and you would not believe me even if I told you. He said he beat me because I reminded him of his-self when he was younger and he was not going to see the same mistake twice. So now I am beat every time I do something out of line. It was dumb for him to lay his hand upon me for no reason. Yet I ask myself if I really deserved it? Should I be beat for being a mistake him and my mom made 16 years ago? I admit I do things wrong but I didn’t think he had the right to do that. He’ll pay for that.

-Sinclair


12/24
It’s Christmas Eve and I know it’s been like forever. Since I last wrote you the beatings have been getting worse. My dad has beaten me everyday until a week ago I got tired of it. I told him if he hit me again that I was going to report him for child abuse. He laughed at me claiming no one would believe me. So believing someone would I went to the police and reported him for child abuse. He was right they didn’t believe me. My dad was a well respected man in this town and he was tight with everyone; even the police. I wanted to run away, but where was I to go? As I was leaving the police station a policeman stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I told him how I was beaten for nothing and my dad said no one would believe me. He helped me and I’m beginning to see life in a new way. I was taken out of the house and he was arrested for child abuse. He was convicted and now is serving a year for it, but it’s not enough. He should have gotten more. As for my mother she’s taken care of the other kids and I was placed in a foster home. I couldn’t live with other family members, my parents wouldn’t allow it. I pray for the kids I have to call my brothers and sisters and I hope them the best and hope they come forward if they was treated like me. Well I should go.

-Sinclair


12/25
Merry Christmas! Nothing this year like always but some coal. Well not actually but it feels that way. The people here are nice and I asked them to get me nothing for Christmas. Just to check on my brothers and sisters. I could care less about my mother because she was the one that let that man who doesn’t deserve the name dad beat me. I would never forget what I went through. And neither will he because a year is nothing compare to what he did to me. He will pay.

-Sinclair



12/26
Hey there, it hasn’t been that long since I wrote you so I thought I write you now before I make any other plans. The home I’m in now is very nice and again the people here are nice. They are giving me all the love and attention I need and I try my best to show it back, but the last time I did that I did got a beaten I would never forget. I didn’t ask to be the person I am today, and I didn’t ask to have most of my father’s genes, but it was given to me and I can’t take it away. Hopefully next year will be different and I can actually focus in school. We’re on Christmas break and we’ll be back in school in two weeks. I’m not in a rush to get back there because it’s like I’ve seen my father all over again and I really wouldn’t like that. My foster parents are concern about me because I hardly talk, all I do is write in you. They want to read it so they know what’s going on, but I can’t let them. They have promised to give me space and to not invade my privacy, but like any other parent that won’t last long. Maybe these people are different. Yet they want me to go to a therapist and see if I can talk to someone else since I won’t open up to them. I don’t want to, Diary, you see. I rather tell you these things because I know you won’t go and discuss my life with someone else. You’ll keep quite and not a word will come out your mouth because for one: you can’t talk, and two: if you could talk and you told someone I would never talk to you again. I don’t know what to do. I mean sure they are nice people, but I heard them talking and they said if I don’t open up I would have to leave. HELP ME DIARY!!!! I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!


-Sinclair


12/27
Another day and something has changed since yesterday. The home I’m in now is the first place where I actually felt safe and I don’t want to go into the world. I rather stay here with people I know that love me or will grow to love me. I can’t just sit here after they have took me in and say nothing. Yet they understand why I’m quite because it took my foster mother a year to talk to anyone after she was raped. Raped and beat is not the same thing but it has the same qualities. She came into my room and told me everything and right then I knew these people were the one to be there for me. I opened my mouth and spoke and she cried. We talked for hours and hours and then she gave me a box. It was a Christmas present and it was from my mother and father. I threw it and said I wanted nothing from them and to tell them to leave me alone. All I wanted was for someone to listen to me and my foster mother did that. For that I will do anything they ask me to. I might even begin to love them the way I know they want me too. Until we meet again, Diary, see you.

-Sinclair


12/29
I don’t know why I didn’t write you yesterday. I must have forgotten with all the attention I’m getting from my foster mother and father. I hate writing foster parents, so I’m going to tell you their names. Jalie and Tylan Jackson. Nice names, huh? I received a phone call from the man who I have to call a father telling me that again I deserved what he did to me. What did I do? Was it that fact that I was born that made him mad? Or was it the fact that he was young and stupid and didn’t strap up like his old man told him to? I’m not the one who got on top of someone else and made me. I came nine months later. It’s like he didn’t even want me and that I’m a mistake. Like the kids at school don’t treat me bad enough I had to get it from my own parents. Every kid home life is different but I know no one is like mine. How will people react in school? It’s a small town and word gets around fast. Before life in school was hell. I can’t and I won’t stand to see what it would be like after all this. And only in a matter of days. I’m going to ask my Jalie and Tylan if they could enroll me into home school when school starts back up. I know they will agree with me on this one. Well let me go talk to them now. See ya.

-Sinclair


Same Day
I talked to them. I mean I asked them, but I wouldn’t beg. I had to tell someone. At least tell someone that would listen to me and you are the winner. Here I’m thinking I’m with people I think will listen to me, well I was wrong. They told me no. That I will never amount to anything if I run away. How dare them! I have been through hell thanks to those kids in that school and they want me to go back? Have they lost their minds? Just like parents. They don’t understand me like I thought they would. I mean they don’t get it. I needed someone to listen to me but they wouldn’t. They told me to go to my room and they come in and talk to me later. I’m not a child, but sometimes I can be a handful. I can’t do it, Dairy, I can’t do it. I want to find a place where I know someone would listen to me. I mean these people are not who I want to be with. I have to get out of here.

-Sinclair

12/30
Something is wrong with me, Dairy. I read what I wrote you yesterday over a dozen times and I don’t remember any of it. Jalie and Tylan is taking me to the doctors in a minute to see what’s wrong with me. I told them that I had to write someone before we go. They think it has something to do with the way people and my parents treated me. And maybe I may be suffering from depression and that I may end up being suicidal. I don’t want to die. I have to get help. I mean I am sad all the time and distance from everyone. Will I be able to get the help I need? I mean I opened up to people and this is where I get? Some life I was given, but what other chose do I have but to live it? I mean could I actually be capable killing myself? Should I go through all that pain just to see that my after life might be worst than the life I have now? I can’t go through with it. I’ll get back you with the details.

-Sinclair

12/31
The new year is almost here and I bet you’re wondering how yesterday went. It was okay until they told me what I told you yesterday. Can anything compete with this? I don’t think so. This is the all time messed up year of my life. I mean nothing has gone right this year. How about we take a look in the past, since the day I started writing you. I mean first people at school treat me like I’m a dog and that I can drop off the face of the earth and no one would care. My parents, I mean Glenn and Haida, tell me that I will be expecting another little brother or sister in nine months. Why did they get pregnant? You’re telling me! They can’t take care of me and the other kids they have, let along another child. Can they be more stupid and ignorant? And anything else that could describe how dumb they could be. Then...I mean should put the cheery on top of the pie.....I get beat for having a bit of my father in me. I mean what’s the point of being born? Either I’m going to be like my mother or my father. It’s a 50/50 chance I will be like either one. I can’t just come out being like someone else that is not my parents. I mean it ain’t normal. Something has got to give. Now I’m in a foster home and my father is in jail. Like a year will stop him from coming after me again. And to top it off even better, I have depression. Not something a teenager would have. I can’t do this, Dairy. I have to go.
-Sinclair