Blood Bonded pt 1

" Do you want to go first?"

I looked into the dark eyes of Madrigal Orion and saw that they glittered with excitement, anticipation- there was no fear, no fear at all. But then, there never was- not during our bonding, as we called it. And now,there was no fear of it in me either.

I shook my head, my hands gripping the edge of Madrigal's red bedspread. Digging them in, out. I didn't really know why I was doing it- I guess I, like Madrigal, was growing excited, anticipant. Already my heart was beating faster, my pulse tingling in my arms. I already felt my body preparing, upping my adrenaline level...

" You can go first, Mad," I said, and though I tried to keep my voice steady, it wavered slightly in my eagerness. I couldn't wait to see it, feel it, prove to her how tough I was, how much I could take it. I wanted above all, though, to feel the rush of relief and dizzied adrenaline high, the tender warmth toward Madrigal, the closeness I always felt with her afterward.

My right leg was jiggling up and down restlessly, involuntarily, and I tried to stop it, hold it steady- I didn't want to shake the bed. That could be dangerous... more so than we needed.

Madrigal smiled at me, the slow, curling seduction she reserved for anyone she felt like messing with. But with me, I knew, only with me, was it sincere. My heart beat faster still- her smile was not dentist-perfect, for there was a gap between her two front teeth, but somehow it made her look incredibly sexy rather than taking away from her looks. She knew it too, judging from the number of times I'd seen her use it to get the reactions she wanted.

" All right." She scooted closer to me on the edge of the bed, her hip and thigh touching the sides of mine. She bent her head close to mine, and her long dark hair tickled my cheek. I didn't brush it away, didn't want to; I couldn't wipe away the smile it brought me.

Seeing my smile, Madrigal smiled again, her eyes flashing. She too seemed nearly breathless.

" Pull up my sleeve for me?" she asked.

I took her right hand, squeezed it, feeling the small fingers squeeze back firmly. Then letting go, I began to pull up the tight, long sleeve of Madrigal's mauve shirt, easing it slowly, carefully, up to her elbow- it would go no further. Various markings stood out starkly all across her tanned arm's length- old, whitened, pale pink, purple, and angry red. Lines and shapes, words and crude drawings etched into her flesh- etched with her own hand. Etched with razors, with glass, tacks, needles- once, even with a rusty nail.

" You have it?" Madrigal asked, her voice hushed, hoarse with her jittery trepidation.

I didn't reply, just handed the razor to her wordlessly, my eyes meeting hers. Her fingers closed around it, and she smiled again.

" Don't worry, Celeste- I won't have it for too long. You'll be next." She laughed, a deep, throaty sound that was older than her sixteen years. " We are so fucked up, you know that?"

" I know," I replied, my voice more serious than I had intended or felt.

She laughed again, held the razor so rigidly her fingers had turned white.

" Yeah. And neither of us really give a shit, do we?"

She put an arm around me suddenly, squeezing my shoulders. She kissed my forehead, her lips staying pressed to my skin for a few moments, lingering. I closed my eyes against her touch, half-hoping she couldn't feel my heart's steady buzz in my chest.

She ran her hand down my arm, slowly, deliberately, and as her hand touched my scars one by one through the fabric of my sleeve, they came alive, burning and tingling, aching to be touched, picked at, reopened once again.

At last her hands left me, and slightly breathless, she held the razor blade over her arm, tracing a smooth patch of skin.

" New ones today?" I asked. " Not just reopening an old one?"

Madrigal shook her head. " If they get too deep they stain clothes too much, and then Petra might see. It's a delicate balance- deep but not enough that they constantly bleed. I know it's a long shot she would notice- she never sees anything, let alone gets an urge to wash clothes and go through my drawers. But you can't be too careful, especially you- watch that kind of thing around Julie and Alliance."

I nodded. Madrigal, with a tremulous hand, lowered the blade to her skin, stabbing it harshly. She made no sounds, not cries of pain, no hissing intakes of breath- there was nothing in her eyes but her resolve. She dragged the blade back adn forth into a half moon, deepening it, defining it, as blood began to spread faster around it. I handed her a tissue from the box on her night table, and she blotted it, wiping at it with short, quick gestures. Clinching the stained tissue in the same hand that held the razor, she dragged it through again, making it deeper. She turned to me, her eyes dark, almost blank except for their glint.

" See?" she said, her voice tight, strange, sounding much further away than it should from someone practically sitting in my lap. " C for Celeste."

I smiled, squeezing her unbloody arm as I laid my forehead on her shoulder. I watched her, excitement increasing as she carved a D beside it, for Delsin, my last name.

" I've marked myself," she nearly gasped, her eyes almost wild as she held the tissue to her cuts. " Marked myself with you, Celeste."

" It looks good," I told her, my voice nearly as hoarse as hers. " I love it. I love you."

" I love you too," she told me, laying her head atop mine for a few moments. I slid my arms around her waist, squeezed, then letting go, said, " All right, my turn, Mad."

She gave it to me, her fingers closing over mine. I breathed in raggedly, trying to get my heart rate under control. I was shaking, but not from fear- from anticipation of what was to come...

Madrigal rolled up my sleeve for me, her warm fingers sliding gently over the marks of my right arm. As I lowered the blade, I thought of how it was already stained with blood specks at its tip, her blood, Madrigal's blood. It would be entering my skin, mixing with my own blood, as it had so many times before. I wouldn't be surprised if she and I were more fully blood sisters than I was with Alliance, my 11-year-old sister.

My skin itched, tingling with my anticipation of the razor's breaking of its smoothness... and when it did, I felt nothing, no pain, only relief...

When I was finished, I had initials on my arm as well- MO, for Madrigal Orion. I was short of breath, and I felt light-headed, giddy- I could not stop smiling. Madrigal smiled back, hugged me tight even as I pressed the tissue to my new marks.

" I love you," she whispered, her cheek pressed against mine. " I have no one else but you. No one else would ever understand. No one..."

I burrowed nearer, could hear my own loud breathing, could feel hers, could feel her rapid heartbeat so close to my own. Her hot skin against mine- there was nothing but her against me, her and the beginnings of delayed, prickling pain in my arm.

" I know," I whispered back. " I know..."

******************************************************

I think it was meant to be, for Madrigal and me to be together... fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it. My mom, Julie, would say God, but I sincerely doubt that God has a hand in anything having to do with me or my life. As far as He's concerned, he can ignore me- I don't exist. I handle everything myself, or at least I used to before Madrigal. I mean, if I couldn't deal with it, too bad for me- there was never any benevolent higher being stepping up to make my burden easy and my yoke light and all that crap. I had to find ways to cope- and I did. I did, the best that I knew how to…

It had to have been fate- how else could such a string of coincidences occur to draw us together?

We were brought together this year, the first day of my junior year. I had had to switch schools, to my extreme unhappiness- it wasn’t like I’d had tons of friends or anyone at all I could count on really, but I had grown used to my old school, adjusted to its workings and found my slot in its social status. I was settled, if not happily- and now, because of Julie and Lorenzo, that had been shaken up.

Julie and Lorenzo are my parents. I used to always call them Mom and Dad, like most kids, but ever since my father the man-slut broke up our family and changed my life for the worse, I now exclusively refer to him as Lorenzo, even to his face- a rare occurrence, as he is too preoccupied with his new, young little wifey and the baby born so soon after their hasty marriage- HIS baby- to ever visit or have me or Alliance over. Not that I care- I will not ever to his house or associate with his whore wife or bastard child. I don’t even think or him as my father anymore- when he left us, he left his position as my dad and became Lorenzo in my mind instead. For some reason, when I began to think of him as “Lorenzo”, I began to think of my mom as her name “Julie”, as well, although I rarely call her it to her face. Maybe my thinking of them this way symbolized my growing up mentally and emotionally, seeing them as equals to me, fellow adults. I don’t know, I could be full of psychobabble bullshit.

Anyway, it wasn’t like I cared about my father- Lorenzo- or his asshole-ness once he left me. But my sister Alliance did. You’re probably wondering about her name- trust me, I don’t really understand it either. My mom has thing for names, she wants them to have meaning- apparently she didn’t like the fact that her name, Julie, meant youthful when she would not always be young, and Lorenzo’s meant laurel leaves, which is just plain dumb. So she named Alliance, Alliance, like an alliance or uniting- kind of ironic, since Alliance and I are rarely if ever allied in anything. And she named me Celeste, which means heavenly- pretty ironic too, if she had only known what I would become.

Anyway, like I was saying, Alliance cared about Lorenzo leaving us. She was only ten at the time- she’s eleven now- and used to having both of my parents’ attention and approval. She enjoys having it, seems to need it- and if they are slow to give it, she seeks it out, hugging them or hanging on them, standing close, telling stories to gain smiles from them. They rarely had to be prodded much- she was their youngest, their darling, and she was so different from me. She always did something to make them feel like she needed them, which they liked, or to make them proud- she’s one of those girls that tries so annoyingly hard to present herself as perfect in everything she does. Straight A’s, studying, gymnastics, dance- both for which Julie has to scrimp to allow her to continue in now- polite behavior with adults, all that stuff that can make a sibling sick, even one five years older like me.

I mean, I know I’m her older sister, I’m not supposed to resent someone who is basically still a little kid- but try living with her. She’s this perfectly skinny little blonde pony-tailed thing who hasn’t even hit puberty yet- she still wears damn size 12 in the kids section. Meanwhile I’m a juniors 7 with hips and all, I feel like a mammoth beside her. You don’t need a prepubescent sister decked in Limited Too to exacerbate your already present body issues at age sixteen. And to make it worse, Little Miss Sweetness lets all that perfection slip around me- at least manner-wise.

“ Do you really think you ought to wear a shirt that tight?”

“ Did you not brush your hair, or is it supposed to look like that?”

“ I showed Mom my report card. I got all A’s. Where’s yours?”

It’s enough to make you strangle her, little girl and sister or not.

Dammit, I just got sidetracked again. I wasn’t going to tell you about Alliance- I was going to tell you about me, about Madrigal…

As I said, when Lorenzo left Julie- left us- we moved about twenty minutes away- Julie didn’t want to live anymore where she’d once lived with him. New memories and putting the past behind us or some crap like that. As if a new house could possibly make things better instead of worse.

As a result, we were in a new school district, and Alliance and I had to go to new schools. Smaller schools- which most girls would prefer, new girls at least, because they’d get to know people more quickly- but not me. I hated small schools- my old one, which had about 900 kids, was small enough, and this new school only had about 500. In small schools, everyone notices you and judges you, categorizes you, right away. I would be unable to blend in, to keep to myself, as I had at my old school, with my family- while Alliance was the attention-seeker, I was the one who spent most of my time locked in my room, the one who barely spoke to anyone, who shyed away from their touches. It’s not that I’m shy- I just plain don’t’ want to be around people, even my family. Especially my family. I like my space, and I would not be able to have it in this new school. There was what, 100 kids in each grade? We’d be in all the same classes!

And right away, on my very first day, I could tell I was right. People noticed me right away- I could see them pointing at me, thinking they were so discreet, whispering- already labeling me. Unlike my sister, I suspected the label they assigned me would not read “ Popular”.

It wasn’t’ hard to find my first class- in such a small school, there weren’t all that many to begin with, and the rooms were mostly divided into halls containing classes for that grade. So I just found my hall and my homeroom, plunking down into a seat in the back row. I didn’t care if there were assigned seats- the teacher would move me if there were.

A few girls who also had come in early asked me my name, more out of politeness than true curiosity, and I mumbled it in a monotone. They told me theirs, which I quickly forgot, and turning to talk, forgot me as well. Obviously my label in this school was to read “Outcast/Loser”- and I didn’t care, frankly. It wasn’t so different from my last year’s label of “Invisible”. Maybe if I worked hard enough I could still manage to maintain last year’s social status- which was none.

I was slumped across my desk, head in my arms, when I first met her. There was still ten minutes until class- homeroom class, anyway. My mind was blank- or beginning to be, for I was trying hard to make it so.

Suddenly I noticed a girl was standing over me, looking down at me with serious dark eyes… she was gorgeous, so gorgeous for a girl of 16. Her skin was clear, whereas mine was spotty at my hairline… she was curvy without being fat at all, nor too thin, and dark, sort of bronzed skin where mine was pale, kind of like a biracial’s, only she was white as far as I could tell. She had dark brown hair and eyes, and they glinted, some expression of emotion I could not determine. Her red shirt was long-sleeved, and had a guitar on it formed out of paperclips.

I was too busy looking at her, gawking I bet- my damn mouth was probably open, I probably looked like a damn idiot- comparing my own limp blondish hair and grayish blue eyes to hers and finding them sadly lacking- to hear her speak to me at first. When I just looked at her dumbly, she flushed- seeming embarrassed, something I was later to learn was rare for Madrigal.

“ I’m sorry- I just thought- you don’t have to.” She started to move away, squeezing through the narrow spaces between the desks. Instantly my mind sharpened- had she just said something? What had she said? She must think I was ignoring her, just because I was staring at her like an idiot too hard to listen.

“ Hey!” I blurted out. “ Hey- what did you say?”

She turned back, surprise lighting her expression, her eyes. Glancing around at the others now more steadily trickling into the room, she squeezed back near my desk.

“ I-I just said you looked like you were new too and asked if you were. I don’t know- you just had this look in your eyes, and it looked- like I felt.” She hesitated, then continued. “ And- I asked if the seat beside you was taken.”

For a moment I could only stare at he dumbly, attempting to process her words, that I had heard her correctly. This girl- this very pretty- beyond pretty- girl was new too? And out of all the others- she had asked to sit by ME?

And I had almost let her leave, let her think I was ignoring her. What the hell was my problem?!

“ You- you want to sit by me?” I stuttered, scarcely daring to believe I had heard her right. Why would she want to sit with me, new girl or not?

Her eyes dropped to the desk between us, and she bit her lip- the first and last time I remember Madrigal being shy. Even now the memory amazes me, that she would have wanted so badly to sit with me, for me to accept her, that my rejection would have embarrassed her. Me…

“ Well- yes,” she said somewhat quietly, then lifted her eyes determinedly to meet mine. “ If you don’t mind…”

“ No-no!” I said hastily, sitting up straight, my eyes widening. “ Go ahead- it’s fine- you’re fine-” I gestured at the empty seat next to me, looking, sounding, and feeling like a moron. If I hadn’t turned her off earlier, I surely had now.

But Madrigal had seemed relieved… she smiled at me. I still remember my surprise at the gap between her two front teeth, and the warmth that rose in my chest at the sight of it.

“ Okay,” she said, putting her green beaded purse and red backpack on the floor as she slid into the seat. “ Thank you.”

“ No problem,” I replied, m y cheeks warm. That’s the problem with being pale- blushes show up easily, too damn easily. But still, Madrigal had not seemed to be put off by me and my weirdness. If anything, she appeared to have gained confidence from my acceptance of her- her posture was straighter, and she smiled at me… already I could see signs of the charismatic personality that would so draw me to her.

“ Being new sucks, doesn’t it?”

I nodded wordlessly. It did, but that problem was no longer bothering me quite like it had three minutes ago.

“ I’m Madrigal Orion.”

“ I’m Celeste,” I told her, my voice hoarse. “ Celeste Delsin…”

As it turned out, Madrigal had had to move because of extenuating circumstances beyond her control as well. Petra, her mother, had been evicted from their apartment due to a combination of her frequent loudness- (men- Madrigal had told me about them with no trace of a blush but plenty traces of bitterness) and her continual late payments on rent. So like me, Madrigal had had to move around twenty minutes away to get an apartment within Petra’s budget, which put her in a new school district as well. Like me, Madrigal had no father, for her father had left her and her mother as well- only Madrigal’s had left when she was a baby, making it less of a deliberate and personal decision against her, at least in my eyes. It’s easier to turn your back on a baby than a sixteen-year-old you helped raise.

We didn’t get to talk beyond that on our first meeting, for the bell rang and homeroom began, but already our fate was locked firmly in place. There was a spark between us at the very start… she told me later that the moment she had seen me, slumped over my desk, face blank and still, she had felt a connection, known somehow that I was like her… she had felt pulled toward me, somehow, as though our minds, our spirits, were meant to be together… even before me, she knew.

I’ll admit that I did not, of course- from the first few words exchanged between us, I was too taken in by her looks to believe she could really like me, really want to sit by me, talk to me. She must be making fun of me and I had not caught on- or maybe she felt sorry for me. But no, others were pretty much ignoring her as well beyond the usual new-girl once-overs… only the resulting expression from the examination of Madrigal was not dismissal, as mine had been, but j jealousy. They were afraid Madrigal would attract their pathetic boyfriends’ attention, that she would steal their “men”…

They needn’t have worried. By lunch period, Madrigal had already told me she was a lesbian. It wasn’t really awkward or shocking to me- we had already shared quite a bit by then. By then, I was well-aware of the spark between us. My initial embarrassment and self-conciousness had eased as I spoke with her on the sly during first and second period- both of which she was in- and by the end of first period I knew I was attracted to her majorly. But amazingly, I had managed to accept the unbelievable fact that she was attracted to me as well. She really did want to sit with me, talk to me… and when she followed me without asking to lunch, and we sat alone together in a table for four, it only seemed natural…

If it had been any girl but Madrigal, I would have freaked out over my attraction to her, and hers to me. It’s kind of hard to explain without being confusing. You see, I think I’ve always known in my mind that I was bi- bisexual, that is- but I never really admitted it outright to myself, and certainly not to others. I wouldn’t even acknowledge I had thoughts of it to myself-just batted them all away and firmly told myself they were nothing but weird thoughts. I don’t’ know what I was so afraid of exactly. I guess it was a combination- the prejudice against gays and lesbians that had been enstiled into me all of my life by society, that they were flamboyant, weird, perverted, and unnatural; the fear that no “normal” guy would ever date me should he know- after all, I was sixteen, seemingly straight to all the world, and I’d only been on one date; the knowledge that admitting such a thing would make me more of a social pariah than I already was, openly ignored and teased rather than merely invisible; but probably most prominently, Julie’s and Alliance’s extreme prejudice against gays and lesbians. Julie had expressed her dismay over their growing open behavior about their love lives in public and shook her head in disgust over the recent debates of gay marriage, expressing shock that such a thing was even considered seriously. Alliance, her little parrot, repeated with indignation whenever the subject arose how wrong and disgusting it was to love someone of the same gender “ in THAT way”, as she put it.

So it wasn’t as if by telling anyone I’d gain any benefits. I did not want to put more misery into my already cracked relationships with my mother and sister- for all I knew, Julie might get furious enough to kick me out of the house. Which wouldn’t be such a tragedy had I been employeed and possessed knowledge of how to support myself- but the fact was that I didn’t.

When Madrigal told me she was a lesbian, very easily and matter-of-factly, as if completely okay with saying it, I wasn’t surprised beyond the fact that she seemed to be attracted to me. I don’t’ really remember what I said- I think it was something dumb, like “ I know. It’s okay,” or something like that. I didn’t tell her right then that I was bi- I really don’t know why, other than at the moment I was not ready to say it out loud. But I think she knew… it was in her eyes, the way she smiled at me afterward, as if we shared a secret, and she was promising she would never tell.

So for a while I played straight, no pun intended. I kept quiet about my doubtful sexuality, and in its place, a kind of strange sexual bantering, a tension both of us were well aware of but pretended not to notice, arose. It was, like, a coert flirtation between us, in the way we looked at each other, smiled and touched casually-and -yet-not, the tone of our voices… both of us knew, but neither spoke of it, neither made the first move, until two weeks after we had first met…

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By the end of the first two weeks of school, Madrigal's and my relationship was firmly established, even to the exclusion of all the other kids. We sat together in the classes we shared and in the cafeteria, we walked together in the halls, stayed after school sometimes talking longer than we had to. By the end of the first week we had exchanged phone numbers, etc. I could feel my attraction to her turning swiftly into a huge crush, but I still feared acting upon it, even with the very unsubtle signals she was sending me. She might just be a touchy person, I told myself when she played with my hair, gave me hugs lasting a few seconds too long, sat on my lap in a way that seemed more suggestive than playful to me. I might be getting the wrong idea completely, and then I'll ruin it all, she'll be weirded out by me.

The Saturday after the second week at school, Madrigal invited me to ride the bus home with her to her apartment to spend the night. I agreed, of course, although certain aspects of this made me nervous. I was for instance to be alone with her, to undress in front of her... I didn't know if I felt quite comfortable with that- with her watching me, or me watching her.

But I went anyway- Julie seemed more than happy for me to leave, although she tried to hide it. And Alliance's loving comment was, " YOU have FRIENDS?"

Madrigal's apartment was in one of those apartment circles where all of them are exactly the same color and style, little identical buildings side by side. To be honest, I hate those things- they creep me out. It's like one of those alien movies from the 1950's or something.

The inside of her apartment was typical too, for our area and the area she was living in. Small, with old, kind of squashy furniture and a slightly stained carpet- two bedrooms, a bathroom, and one of those kitchen/living room deals. Madrigal had made a screwy kind of face when I walked in, then smiled at me.

" It sucks, doesn't it?" she asked.

" Hey, it beats my house with my nosy, perfect little sister," I replied. " Your mom's not even home, is she?"

" No," Madrigal replied, a curiously flat tone to her voice. " She never is during the day. She works, and then she comes home late at night- not alone either half the time." She shrugged. " I might as well say I'm independent- I'm here alone more often than not. I do what I want and Petra doesn't even notice, let alone care. Do my own laundry, cook my own food, whatever, you know?"

" You call your mom Petra?" I aksed, suprised. I'd never known anyone that called their parents by their first names other than me.

" Yeah," she said, shrugging again. " I'm sure I called her Mom when I was younger, but I don't know, Petra seems more appropriate now. I know it's weird."

" No- it's just that I call my parents by their first names too," I said slowly.

Madrigal smiled, the gap between her two front teeth causing my heart to wrench momentarily.

" We really are two of a kind, aren't we?" Then quite abruptly, " Hey, do you want something to eat or drink?"

I shrugged. " Sure. What do you have to drink?"

" I'll go see." I followed her into the little kitchen, where a bar-like counter curled around to a few cabinets overtop the stove and sink. Opening the fridge, she called out, " We have diet shit, orange juice, milk, and Sprite."

" Sprite's fine," I told her. She withdrew it from the fridge, setting it on the counter, and got a glass out from the cabinet.

" Ice?"

" No, that's ok," I replied.

Handing it to me, she said, " Come on, you can take it into my room."

I followed her through one of the three narrow doorways in the small semi-hallway. Her bedroom was small, but I loved it immediately. Her walls were covered- completely covered- with not an inch remaining bare- with posters and cutouts from art and music magazines. Even the ceiling- she must have stood on something like a ladder to get all that on it. I hadn't thought apartment landlords allowed that many tacks- but then, I doubted she'd exactly told them.

" Wow," I said breathlessly, my mouth half open. "How long did that take you?"

Madrigal smiled, pleased with my reaction. " A while. But we moved in over the summer, I had a lot of spare time on my hands."

I continued to turn in circles, not sure where to look. She liked a lot of she same musicians I did- Evanescence, AFI, Panic at the Disco, The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, My Chemical Romance, etc, even the older, pop-ish ones like Fiona Apple and Pink. The rest of her room was rather ordinary, the typical twin bed with a red bedspread, clothes tossed on a desk that looked more like a storage area for clutter than a study area, a CD player, a few stuffed animals.

" Sit down," Madrigal told me, gesturing at her bed. " I cleaned up especially for you- but dont' look in my closet."

I laughed and sat on her bed somewhat hesitantly. Madrigal sprawled beside me on her side.

We talked for a few more minutes- I dont' remember about what now. What I do remember is Madrigal sitting up to face me eventually... then, slowly, deliberately, stretching her arms out in front of her, her eyes locked on mine. Her arms were right in front of me, where I couldn't help but to look at them... the sleeves of her gray Rolling stones hoodie slipped back... and on her wrists, her forearms, I could clearly see the reddened, upraised marks on their surface...

I froze. Could this be possible?! Could this be... could she really...

Never before had I told anyone about what I did to myself... never had I even considered it. I hid the marks with long pants and confined my cutting/scratching/scraping to areas of me rarely seen by others- thighs, hips, torso, ankles- and similarly, I hid my cache of sharps in the back of my closet, in a board game. Never, I had been sure, would anyone suspect... and of course, I would never tell them.

I barely remember when I first began to cut... I was 15, I know, and upset over something stupid Alliance had said to me, something that should never have gotten to me like it did. This was the time when Lorenzo had just left us, so everything was a mess anyway. When Julie laughed rather than scold her, it only made me feel worse. I had locked myself in my room, feeling horribly depressed and angry... I had not planned to do anything beyond sit and seethe, maybe cry... but I saw the box of tacks sitting on my desk, the ones I used for my bulletin board. Without really knowing why or thinking, I found myself grabbing one and using it to scratch at the flesh of my ankle... it was a shallow cut, only a small amount of blood, but the pain was surprising... and, to my numb realization, reassuring... somehow, I felt better...

After that, I began to use cutting to calm myself when I began to feel my emotions spinning out of control. I never cut deeply, or made cuts longer than two inches- I was afraid I'd not stop bleeding, or that I'd be unnable to stop from continuing, just scratching and clawing at myself like a crazy person...

For that was my secret, dark fear- that I was crazy. I didn't know anyone who did to themselves what I did... I had read about it in books, seen it on TV, so I knew I wasn't the only one, but all the kids I'd seen and read about were so weird, freaky- crazy... and I didn't want to think I could be too.

But now here sat Madrigal, with her scarred wrists displayed before my eyes... and she was not crazy, she was- she was like me... only better.

" You- you do it too," I whispered. I had not meant to say that, but it was obvious they had not been scarred accidentally, her wrists, I mean.

Madrigal slowly took her arms back, placed them in her lap, the sleeves falling back into their place. She met my eyes with hers, her expression grave.

" Yes, I do."

" How-why- did you- did you mean to- to show me?" I stuttered, still shocked over what I had seen. I could never have- why- how could anyone who did that want to show someone?

"Of course I meant to show you," Madrigal said quietly, her eyes still locked on mine. " I didn't know how to tell you, so I showed you." she paused, swallowing, as her eyes bore into mine.

" I showed you," she continued softly, " because I knew you'd understand."

My eyes widened at this, and I swallowed desperately. I looked down into my lap, my hands knotting into fists compulsively. My stomach was knotting as well...

" What- what do you mean?" I whispered.

" I knew you would understand," Madrigal said evenly, and though I did not look at her, I could feel the intensity of her gaze, " because I knew you did it too. I always knew... the first time I saw you, all I had to do was look at you to see it. Not your scars-" she added hastily as my head shot up in alarm- " you're good about concealing them. But I can always tell when someone is a cutter... I could see it in your eyes, your posture, the way you move and carry yourself... it's not something most people realize. But I can always tell..."

She paused, biting her lip and lowering her eyes briefly.

" That was one of the reasons that I approached you... I could tell you were like me."

I could not answer her, barely heard her; all I could focus on was the huge relevation that just now had altered our relationship entirely. She knew, she knew- someone knew...

But then my initial panic began to shift... she knew. Someone knew- someone who I cared about- and she hadn't freaked out. She didn't think I was crazy or disgusting... hell, she even understood, she did it too...

Sudden, wild euphoria rushed over me, and I found myself laughing out loud. Madrigal knew- she knew- but it was okay, everything was okay- we were two of a kind, two of a fricking kind!

Madrigal stared at me in faint alarm at my reaction, then smiled tentatively. She began to laugh as well.

" I don't know why I'm laughing," she cried.

" Me either!" I gasped, and that set us both off again.

Gradually our laughter slowed, then stopped completely. I sat up, still feeling light-headed, dizzy. My throat felt sore, rubbed raw. I noticed Madrigal sitting up as well, wiping her eyes. Suddenly feeling somber, I looked at her seriously. I knew without thinking what I wanted to do.

" I want to show them to you."

Regarding me just as seriously, knowing I was referring to my scars, Madrigal nodded.

" Okay."

Slowly, my heart squeezing, stomach doing sickening flips, I began to take my shirt off. I tossed it onto her bed, then unbuttoned my jeans, pulled them down low to show my hipbones. I felt myself flush as Madrigal's eyes searched my body, taking in my private self-destruction- she was the first and only one I would ever want to show it to, but the fact that she, a girl who I could not deny my attraction to, was seeing me half-naked unsettled me a bit. Did she think I was fat? Did she think they were wimpy, not long or deep enough?

Her face soft, compassionate, she reached out to trace a scar on my stomach. I jerked, staring at her hand on my skin, her coolness against my warmth... reddening, I felt myself wishing she would keep it on me eve as she took it away.

Her eyes drifted up to my face and she smiled without showing her teeth- a sad smile that did not reach her eyes.

" You're beautiful, Celeste," she said quietly.

I reddened further, did not reply. She continued to look at me like she really meant what she had just said.

" I'll show you mine," she said finally. Before I could answer- not that I knew what I would have said- she was stripping, her hoodie, shirt, and jeans laying in a pile one the floor. She stood before me nearly completely undressed... but it was not the shape of her body, but rather its scars that held me intrigued.

They were scattered around, unlike mine, which were confined in clusters to certain areas. Some were on her arms, the majority actually, a few on her hips and torso, some on her legs, thighs... but they were longer than mine, darker... deeper. Seeing them made me feel somehow inadequate... I had been so afraid of showing mine to anyone, so sure I was so weird, that I could take so much pain, and here was Madrigal...

" You've gone deeper than me," I said in an odd tone. " Aren't you afraid?"

" No..." Madrigal told me softly. " I have to feel the pain to end it."

I continued to stare at her, torn between wanting to look away and wanting to stare at her forever. What did she want- did she think I was being invasive, rude? What did she want me to tell her? Was I disgusting, perverted, evil, to think she was gorgeous?

" You're beautiful too," I found myself saying, to my own horror. How was I going to get out of this? I couldn't- I couldn't- I- I just could not do that, I could not go there...

But at the same time, a part of me scoffed at my own fear. Why not? Why not go there? This is Madrigal... you know she's gay. You know she's attracted to you, and that you're attracted to her... hell, you might even be getting to love her. You even showed her your scars... and she has them too. She has scars too...

It doesn't have to be public- you don't have to tell the world- but what's stopping you from telling her?

Only fear... but what was there to fear from Madrigal? She would not hurt or reject me- she would never do that to me. Even after two weeks I knew this.

" I've been lying to you," I blurted out, and Madrigal's eyes searched mine, confused, listening, her forehead puckered slightly. I took a slow breath in, let it out, made myself meet her eyes. " Not so much in what I said, but what I didn't say... I- I never told you before- actually I never told anyone- that I'm bi."

The look in Madrigal's eyes did not change; but the wrinkle in her forehead smoothed out, and she smiled slowly.

" I know," she told me. " I've always known."

We stared at each other wordlessly, and there was nothing but me and her, me on the bed, her standing before me in her underwear... then almost all at once both of us were moving, she was on top of me, sitting in my lap, her hands gripping my bare shoulders.... I had not put my shirt back on. I could feel her warm flesh against mine, no clothes between to dull the sensation... as she pressed against me, my arms mindlessly going around her waist, I felt some of her scars, the rough, raised skin so different from the smoothness of her back...

And then her mouth was on mine, I could feel her lips moving against me, opening, closing, soft, slow, than harder... and I wasn't resisting... I was kissing her back...

My heart was hammering, everything seemed brighter and louder and more exciting... exhilerating... the room was spinning, I could barely breathe, and I loved it, loved it...

Finally she pulled her face away slightly, still leaning against me in my lap. I held her loosely, trying to catch my breath. I could feel her breathing as hard as me...

"Wow," she said breathlessly. " Wow..."

Slowly she slid herself off my lap, sat almost bonelessly beside me on the bed. Although I was still dazed, scarcely comprehending anything of what had happened, my whole body was tingling, and I acutely missed her presence.

Still not bothering to dress herself, she looked at me with some worry in her eyes.

"Are you- I mean- are you okay, with that- what we just did? Did we go too fast, or- did you- did you like it?" she asked uncertainly.

I just stared at her, shocked that she would even have to ask. My mind was mush, my thoughts scattered, all of me was pulsing with the thrill of her touch... and she worried I had not liked it.

" No... no," I said hastily. " It's just- I've never done this before.... I"ve never- I never kissed a girl. I never knew anyone who- who was like this- and- I never- I never like it so much..."

A pleased grin came across Madrigal's face, and she took my hand in hers, squeezing it gently but firmly. Jolts of pure excitement and adrenaline shot through me once again, and I had to look away to keep from grinning. I had never been like this before- this was like being high, without the unpleasant side effects.

" Do you want to do something with me?" Madrigal asked me suddenly, turning to me more fully.

" Sure," I replied quickly. Anything she suggested, I would do with her, I was willing...

" Let's cut together," Madrigal suggested, her hand still holding mine hard.

For a second I thought I hadn't heard her right. Had she really just said that we should CUT together?!

" What?!" I said, my disbelief and dismay obvious in my tone.

" Why- why would we do that? It's- it's not- no one's ever seen me cut. No one's- it's something-" I cut myself off abruptly, not sure what I was wanting to say, or why I felt so panicked, choked up. I actually felt tears prickling behind my eyes.

Madrigal squeezed my hand, tilted her head so I had to look at her.

" It was something private, right? Something only you knew about- something only you would understand." I nodded, somewhat reluctantly, and she continued, still squeezing my hand.

" You never showed anyone your scars before either, did you? They were private too... but you showed me. No one knew- but you changed that. We could change the way we cut too. We always did it alone, kept the pain all to ourselves... but now we don't have to. If we share it, maybe everything won't feel so bad... just knowing someone's with you who doesn't think you're a freak, who cares, understands. Maybe we can even take the pain away entirely... it could make us closer. It would be like bonding- our own private bonding, together."

Her eyes were bearing into mine, asking me to agree, to see it the way she did... she wanted me to share her pain, and she wanted to share mine... bonding. She had called it bonding, she wanted to bond with me...

I could feel myself wavering, my panic beginning to wear off. What she was saying made sense... it would be a relief to have someone who cared, someone supporting me...maybe the pain wouldn't seem so awful. Maybe it could even become something good, a sharing between us of sorts...

I had never had a friend I could really trust... but I had trusted Madrigal in a space of two weeks. I had shown her more of me, literally and figuratively, than any other person in my life. Why not trust her with one more part of me?

" Okay," I told her, inhaling slowly, then sighing. " Okay."

She squeezed my hand, smiling,then kissed my cheek.

" You'll see- I think it will be so much better..."

Months later, all of it remains so clear, so vivid in my mind... Madrigal dragging the nail across her stomach, the scrape appearing, about three inches long... back and forth, deepening it,making it bleed.... the way I caught my breath, fearful, wincing, but excited, aroused... and then her handing it to me, her blood in me... I remember trying to cut in the exact same spot, the exact same length that she had... and the blood... a bit lighter than hers had been.

And afterward.... i remember the heady feeling that came over me, the flow of energy and joy... I remember laughing with her, hugging her close, feeling so close to her... feeling bonded...
*******************************************************************************************

After that day, the bond between Madrigal and me was more firmly set in place than ever. We were basically inseparable... neither of us had a car yet, which royally sucked. It limited our chances of leaving our homes greatly. But we did our best to make it work.

Whether or not she was with me, Madrigal was my first thought upon waking, my last upon going to sleep. I always wanted to be with her... I only wished we were able to be alone more together. The only time we could be was for several hours before Petra came home when I spent the night in her apartment.

It started out that we only cut together there, where we would be guaranteed privacy- my house's locks were flimsy, easy to work past, and sometimes didn't work at all. But soon we felt so secure, so safe, so certain that our cutting would not be found out, that we decided waiting until weekends was too long. We began to cut in my house as well, in bathroom stalls in stores, even a few times in a stall at one of the least-used bathrooms in our school. The more we did it, the more sure we were that it was okay.... and the more it escalated. We began cutting together nearly every day...

I was not ashamed of cutting anymore, now that I was doing it with Madrigal... it was not something I hid out of disgust with myself, but necessity- I knew all too well how others would react. Cutting was not longer usually something that resulted from my pain, but rather something that prevented it. It gave me a kind of joy, a euphoria, like a runner's high- only better. I found myself making longer and deeper cuts, no longer afraid... Madrigal had given me courage. I was happier now than I can ever remember being...

The only thing was I did fear, to some extent, letting the rest of the world know about us. Not our cutting- of course there was no way I'd ever tell that or even contemplate it, I knew better- but our relationship together, the fact that we were something beyond "close friends". I just knew that should Julie find out, she would freak... I could not risk that. I could not risk going back to being alone, losing Madrigal.

Madrigal understood my fear, and she had no objections to our keeping our relationship completely private and out of any kind of public place- in fact, only behind locked doors. Mostly doors at her house- we were usually alone there anyway until late. Besides, Petra wouldn't care or even notice us if we were kissing each other right in front of her. She was a flighty kind of person anyway- and at night, she was usually preoccupied with other matters.

I still remember how weirded out I was the first time I heard her "nightly activities". It was the first time I"d ever spent the night with Madrigal, the first day we'd cut together. I don't know if Petra even knew I was there- not that it would have mattered, I suspect. We had been lying in bed together, talking quietly, when the door to the apartment opened loudly, and "whispered" voices filled out ears. One of them was male. I remember how stiff Madrigal's body beside mine had grown, how narrow her eyes slitted, the way she swore under her breath between gritted teeth.

"What?" I had asked her, sitting up, my mind slow to catch on. I had thankfully never had this problem with Julie.

" That's Petra. Not the man-slut like your dad- just a slut. Those nightly gymnastics I mentioned are about to begin. She couldn't skip the first night you ever came over, could she? I told her you were coming- she either forgot or she didn't fucking care," Madrigal had hissed, rigid with anger. " DAMN it!"

I had heard their footsteps into the narrow hallway, Petra's door easing open... I had never seen Madrigal's mother, could only imagine what kind of woman would do this every night, where her teenaged daughter could hear.

" My fucking MOTHER'S sex life is about 1000 times more active than mine," Madrigal had spat out bitterly. " Literally."

I had put my arms around her then, drawing her head to my shoulder. She let herself be hugged, but the stiffness of her body had not softened, the anger had not drained away. She did not hug me back.

" I wish she was a whore instead of a slut," she hissed, " if she was getting paid for having sex with every guy in town, at least we'd have extra cash, at least we'd could pay bills on time and not be broke or on the verge of it. No, no, my mother wants to be having the life of a slut where I have to hear it, but I dont' get the benefit of money she could be earning from it at the least."

Her voice had cracked then, and even in the dimness of the room I could see her struggling to hold back tears. I had held her close with one arm, stroking her hair with the other, and she had lay there, accepting but not returning my embrace. The beginnings of "lovemaking" could be heard through the walls, and I could tell it was agitating her- probably more than usual, out of embarrassment because of me. It WAS pretty uncomfortable.

" I need to cut," Madrigal had said finally, sniffing. " Will you- will you cut with me, Celeste?"

And so in the middle of the night, for the second time on the same day, we had cut together once again... and afterwards, we had finally been able to sleep, tangling ourselves around each other...

It had been a shock to see Petra for the first time in the morning. She was up before her sex-mate, or maybe he had already left, for I never did see the man. When she came out in this skimpy silk kimono, eyes bleary, as we sat at the kitchen table, I was startled to see she was for the most part pretty normal-looking. Dark hair tousled from sleep- or lack of it- dark eyes like Madrigals's, of average height and weight- thinner than most moms, but really just a normal size- just, I don't know, normal-looking. I guess I expected a Playboy bunny lookalike or something.

She had looked at me blankly, as if wondering who I was.

" This is Celeste, Petra," Madrigal had cut in, fixing her with a pointed stare. " She spent the night with me. LAST NIGHT."

" Oh," Petra had said, her expression not changing- apparently she was not getting the meaning of Madrigal's implication. " Well it's good to meet you, Celeste."

She'd gone about her business then, pretty much ignoring us- which, I was to discover, was not unusual. So it was at Madrigal's house where we felt safest, where we were most free to be ourselves... nowhere else but behind a locked door could I feel that I was completely me. And part of me now, a huge part of me, was Madrigal.

*******************************************************************************************

We had thought, I think, that we were untouchable, Madrigal and I.... five months, and no one knew, no one had ever caught us- cutting or kissing, or doing anything other than strictly what we wanted everyone to think we were doing- which was having a normal friendship of teen girls. Sure, there were some rumors about us in teh school, malicious whispers, just as there would be with any girls so emotionally and physically close to each other as we were. But schools are like that, especially small schools, and no one cared enough to ask us to our faces. They had no proof- and that was the way we intended to keep it. After such a long time of evading discovery, putting off the inevitable, we had grown too confident that no one would find out, no one would know...

We should have remained wary. We should have remained cautious. I should have known better, should have remembered the ways of small towns.... remembered the ways of my family...

I had Madrigal over at my house one Friday night to spend the night with me. As long as we'd been friends, I"d only had her at my house a few times, four at the very most. Although my house was larger, nicer, had more food in it, and was free of nightly male visitors, I didn't like to have her over because of Julie and Alliance. They always wanted to "show an interest" in " my friend"- meaning stalling and shortening our alone time together by asking her questions- too nosy questions at times, I thought- adn generally trying to get a feel of what she was like, how the two of us worked together as "friends". Which I did not want them to discover.

Alliance in particular was persistent in trying to hang around me and Madrigal if she was home when we were- she's always been interested in pretty girls who are older than she is. I think it's one of those things girls her age do, the whole I-want-to-be-like-her-when-I-grow-up thing. So she was curious about Madrigal, wanted to get dirt on her- probably as equal use of ammunition as for interest in her.

So because Julie and Alliance were a lot more observant than Petra, we spent most of our time at Madrigal's. And anytime we were at my house, we were a lot more subdued, unless everyone else was asleep, remembering the flimsy locks on my door.

But one day- we forgot...

******************************************************************************


We lay together on my bed, stretched out on our sides- me on my right, Madrigal on her left- facing each other, our heads held up by a supporting hand and elbow. I was examining her face as we spoke, a face I had looked at so many times in so many different lights, but I had yet to grow tired of it. Sometimes, I thought I knew Madrigal's face better than my own.

As if reading my mind, she reached out to me, traced my cheek with her index finger. I closed my eyes against her touch, soaking it in, sighing deeply. She trailed it down my face, then off, returning it slowly to rest in front of her. I could still feel where she had touched me, a soft tingling...

" I never used to really believe in God," Madrigal said soflty. " I never went to church or anything- Petra isn't the type, trust me, the closest to that we've ever done is when she went through her New Age stage- but I'd heard about God from kids at school sometimes. And Petra's talk- sometimes about a greater being- only she was careful not to say God or Allah or Buddha or anything. I guess she doesn't want to offend whichever one is the right one by giving him a name other than "a greater being". And sometimes she even said how the greater being is within us, that we are our own gods. She changed her mind a lot- but whatever she believed at the time, she believed it firmly, with conviciton. She never doubted her beliefs..."

" And me? I didn't believe anything. She believed everything, and I believed in nothing, no greater being at all. If there was someone out there who was watching me and had this great plan, where did I fit in with it? Where was he in my life- why did he ignore me and only "protect and watch out for" other girls? And as for being my own god, I KNEW that was a crock of shit. I'm not freaking wonderful enough to be a god, nor do I have enough control over my life or even myself. I was powerless, so how could I be a god?"

She breathed out heavily, brow wrinkled in thought, and I watched her quietly, listening. She was echoing my own thoughts about religion, just as she so often mirrored my thoughts on everything else.

" But then I met you... and I wonder. How can there not be something out there, something.... maybe not a God, exactly, but a greater force, something that would work to draw us together. Something finally went right in my life, and I wonder sometimes- if maybe it is God, waking up after all these years and realizing he owes me some favors." She touched my cheek softly once more. " The strongest proof of a God is that YOU exist, that you're here with me... nothing but a higher being could have arranged this, nothing but a higher being could have created you..."

Completely touched by her words, and the lack of flattery or facetiousness in them- she was serious, sincere, she truly meant what she said- really thought me amazing enough that I was proof of a God- I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. No one had every said something so nice to me in my life....

" God, I love you, Madrigal," I said... and impulsively, I reached out my hands, pulled her face closer to mine in a gentle kiss... she kissed me back, her hands locking around my head....

And we heard the doorknob of my room jiggling, the lock failing, and suddenly there was Alliance, standing there in shock in my open doorway....

We jerked apart hurriedly, scrambling to sit up, to act innocent, even as we both knew it was too late- way, way too late. She had already seen us, already seen us locked in an embrace that was more affectionate than one of close friends.... she had seen us kissing....

My mind was stopped in panic, my head devoid of all thoughts- only feelings of pure fear and dread filled me. My heart beat nearly audibly, and my head pounded sickeningly against my inner skull. I felt physically ill, physically weak... I could not look at Madrigal, could only stare at my sister, trying desperately to think of something, anything, to say to change her view of what she'd seen... but I could think of nothing, could not think at all.

Alliance just stood there, obvious horror on her small face. She looked more terrified than I did.... at the time, there was no disgust or anger in her expression, only fear and dread at what she probably was praying she had not really seen... for the first time in her life, Alliance was probably not eager to assume the worst about me.

I could actually see her thin little body beginning to shake from where she stood.... and as the horrible silence between the three of us stretched and stretched, she finally turned abruptly and ran from us, slamming the door behind her.

Finally I could breathe, though just barely.... I exhaled out in a shuddering sigh, my body slumping forward as though someone had deflated me- and in a way they had. Madrigal went limp, her eyes huge in her dismay.

" Oh no, oh no, oh shit!" I whispered tightly in a low tone. Then, louder, " oh shit, shit, shit!"

Madrigal said nothing, just shook her head numbly. Although she had only met Alliance a few times, she knew enough of her to know this was not good- that it was, in fact, a complete catastrophe.

Why had this had to happen?! Why couldn't she have came in earlier, or later? Why had she tried to come in when teh door was locked? Why hadn't she at least fucking knocked!? Why, why, why....

" I can't believe this," I said, my voice choked. " I cannot believe this. Of all people, it would have to be her to see us first.... it would have to be... dammit! If it had been one of those girls at school or something, we could pass it off as another rumor- but like this... she's Alliance, she never lies, she's fucking perfect! And she'll tell Julie, I know she will... she's probably telling her right this fricking minute. Julie's home now, it's past six and it's Friday... oh god, what are we going to do? What will she do to us?"

I couldn't continue- my throat was constricted so nothing but strange half-sobs came out. I pulled my knees up to my chest, laying my head on top of them as I tried to force back the tears dangerously close to the surface.

Madrigal came to life slowly, sitting up and looking at me. She scooted over close to me, wrapped an arm around my shoulders that trembled. Despite the fact that it belonged to Madrigal, it gave me no comfort.

" It'll be okay," she said none too convincingly as she tentatively squeezed my right shoulder with her right hand, kneading it slowly. " We'll be all right- we'll get through this. No one will pull us apart, Celeste. It'll be okay."

It was at that moment that Julie chose to throw open my bedroom door unannounced. Our heads rose up in shock, and for the second time in two minutes, we started, pulling away from each other quickly- but not quickly enough. Already Julie had seen us sitting close, Madrigal with her arm around me, Madrigal rubbing my shoulders.... how must it have looked to her, after hearing Alliance's account of what she'd just seen? What was she thinking- what was she going to do?

From the look on her face, something terrible.... there was nothing in her carefully controlled expression that would make a stranger, upon a quick glance, think there was any kind of turmoil or fury inside her. But I was no stranger.... I saw beneath her neutral expression the tautness in her jaw, the flashing in her eyes, and I could almost physically feel the anger and disgust she felt as if it were wafting like smoke from her body. I could not look at Madrigal- my eyes were fixated on my mother. My stomach was so twisted and contorted it seemed to be actually moving painfully inside me, and my heart felt like it was trying to force its way out of my mouth.

" Madrigal, it's time for you to go home," Julie said in a clipped, edgy tone, her eyes boring into mine. All I could think of then was, she knows. She knows, she knows, she knows.... my panic increased at the mere thought.

When neither of us moved, she raised her voice, the loudness making the anger behind it more apparent.

" Madrigal, I'm taking you home now. Get your things together."

We stood up slowly, trying to delay our movements, as if by talking long enough, Julie's feelings might wane, change her mind about whatever it was she was about to do... she stood in the doorway, watching us, her presence seeming threatening, and though she was neither a large or dark-complected person, she seemed to loom over us imposingly. I stumbled walking over to get Madrigal's shoes, and she grabbed hold of my sleeved upper arm, steadying me. Both of us panicked almost simultaneously, shooting rapid glances at my mother, praying she had missed or not misinterpreted it beyond the innocent, instinctive gesture it had been. But her expression was impenetrable, stony, and I could not tell what she was thinking beyond my own wild assumptions.

After a few minutes we had dragged out the process of getting Madrigal's things for as long as possible, and we had no choice left but to follow Julie into the living room. Alliance was sitting on the couch, watching us with fervent interest and fear both as we entered the room behind Julie. She seemed torn between fascination of Madrigal and disgusted horror- she had never been as good at shielding her thoughts from me as Julie.

" Are you guys leaving?" she asked in an anxious tone that scraped at the few nerves I had still intact. " Where are you going?"

" We're taking Madrigal home," Julie said shortly, barely casting a glance her younger daughter's way. That short glance and the tone with which she had spoken to her- the same she had used with me- told me more than anything how dire my situation was. Julie rarely, if ever, spoke to Alliance in such a tone, nor did she give her such little regard the way she had looked at her now... she must be seething. We were in deep, deep shit.

I tried to convey this with my eyes to Madrigal, looking pointedly between Alliance and Julie, but she wasn't looking at me, and when Julie turned toward me sharply, I had to drop my eyes.

" Oh, can I come too?" Alliance asked eagerly, jumping to her feet. Her nosiness must be winning out over her conservative horror, I thought somewhat dryly- she wants to come along just so she can watch us, can hear everything Julie will say to me... to us...

I did NOT want her riding with us... I could just imagine her sitting up front with Julie, peeking back at us through the little sunvisor mirror, anxiously trying to see what we might be doing or saying... the thought of that sent a sudden flare of anger through my stomach.

Julie seemed to be thinking likewise- for to my shock, she shook her head firmly.

" No, Alliance, I want you to stay home. You'll be fine for a little while- you're old enough now."

Completely taken aback and slightly indignant by this proclamation, Alliance's mouth opened, her eyes widened.

" What?! I'm only 11- I've never actually stayed home before, Mom! I have to come!"

" NO," Julie said so firmly I was shocked. " No, you do not. You are staying home, Alliance, and that's all there is to it."

Speechless, Alliance tried to speak, but a look from Julie cut her off. Instead, she spun around and made her way sulkily to her own room.

Julie turned to us then, the dangerous look not having left her eyes.

" Come on."

We followed her out of the house and into the car without speaking. With each step my feet felt heavier and heavier, and I had to force myself to keep going.

When both Madrigal and I slid into the backseat, I thought at first she would make one of us sit up front with her, considering the circumstances, but instead she only drew her lips together tightly and said nothing, starting the car.

The drive was long, silent, and uncomfortable, very much so. I wanted to hold Madrigal's hand, to seek comfort from her, but I scarcely dared to even look at her. The few times I did, she was staring into her lap, her hands gripping her knees tightly. I was dreading the ride's end, her leaving, even as I hated enduring it.

Too soon Julie was pulling into the circle of Madrigal's apartment complex, stopping in front of an apartment without even asking if it was Madrigal's. It was, but that hardly mattered- had Madrigal said it wasn't, I doubt she would have dropped her off elsewhere.

Madrigal opened her door, swinging her legs out of it slowly. She took her time gathering her things, looking at me in such a poignant way I felt my eyes tear. And yet there was an urgency in her eyes as well.

" I'll call you," she told me quietly. " In an hour or so."

I nodded, unable to speak. But I grabbed her hand impulsively, squeezecd it hard, transferring all my love into that touch, and all my fear. I didn't even care that Julie's eyes were on us in her abject disapproval. Madrigal squeezed back, her lips pressed tightly together in an effort to gain control of herself.

Eventually we let go, and she stepped onto the staircase leading up to her apartment. WIthout even making sure she got inside it okay, Julie was already driving away, her hands locked so hard over the steering wheel that her knuckles were white. I stared down into my knees, a steady aching already forming in my heart, a slow pulsing throb starting in my head... I could already feel my body reacting with the strange, numb tingling that occurred whenever I wanted to cut.

Julie did not speak until we were out of Madrigal's apartment circle. When she did, her words were spit out through clinched teeth, whitened lips, and a face so pinched her skin seemed on teh verge of splitting apart.

" I am completely disgusted, Celeste Delsin. I cannot believe that a child of mine would behave in such unnatural, despicable ways! What you are doing, being intimate with another female, allowing her to touch you and- and- DO things to you, is an aberration before God! You are sinning, Celeste, you are making yourself loathsome in his eyes! You were never that way before this GIRL, this Madrigal- she has done this to you! Drawn you into her sinning!" Julie paused long enough to take a ragged breath in through her nose. " You will not be like that, Celeste, I will not allow you to be that kind of person! I will not allow you to sink into a life of inescapable sin. We're going to nip that in the bud right now. From now on, I will be watching every move you make."

I had expected something like this, almost could have told you the exact words Julie would use, but still they hit me hard, like a physical blow to me. No matter how much you distance yourself from your mother or how tough you play it, to be told you are despicable, loathsome, and disgusting can do nothing but hurt you.

Sinning, sinning, sinning, that in, the end, was all it came down to. Julie hated me, hated my love for Madrigal, what I did with her, because she thought I was sinning. To her I was hateful, wrong, consorting with evil, even the devil himself... yet if it had been a boy that Alliance had seen me with, I would be doing no wrong- Julie would even have been happy for me. The very most she might have done is give me a cautionary lecture on controlling lust and having no sex before marriage...

But because Madrigal was a girl, it was all different in her eyes... the same activities, the same love, was dangerous, taintied, obscene...

My head was escalating in its pain level, it almost felt like little sharp needles were stabbing my temple. My stomach was seeming to fold itself into smaller and smaller shapes, being pulled and squashed relentlessly as it did so. And almost every part of me seemed to itch infuriatingly, calling out for me to bring it to the relief bloodletting would allow...

But Julie was only getting warmed up.

" You will not be associating with this girl any further. You will not be going to her house- she will certainly not be coming here again. You will not speak with her on the phone or internet- as of now, both privileges have been revoked. You cannot leave the house unless you are with me or getting on the bus. And if necessary, I will have you switch schools, if that is what it takes to get away from this girl-"

" Her name is Madrigal, Julie," I said in a tight voice, shaky with the anger filling my being. " She has a name."

" All right, Celeste, you will switch schools to get away from this girl MADRIGAL if I have to do that," she snapped, glaring at me in teh rearview mirror. She was beginning to drive faster, not paying as much attention in her rage. I almost wished she would crash, that one or both of us would be hurt badly, even die... what use was there, when my life had been transformed into a living hell in the past hour? The itching on my arms, my hips, my stomach, intensified...

" You are cutting MADRIGAL out of your life. I will make sure of it."

" You can't do this to me," I said softly, the full realization of what she was saying beginning to dawn on me hazily. " You can't do this..."

" I am your mother. Of course I can do this!" she snapped. " I will do what is necessary to protect you."

" Protect me from what?" I cried out bitterly, my eyes flying up in surprised indignation, trying to catch hers in the mirror. " From Madrigal? What is she doing that is harming me? Nothing! Madrigal is saving me, she loves me! She-"

" MADRIGAL is making you another like her!" Julie yelled. " She is corrupting you, Celeste-"

" How could she have corrupted me?" I yelled back, slapping balled fists against my thighs and not feeling the contact. " She didn't do anything to change me, Julie- this is the way I am!"

" See, even that- she's even influenced you in that way- never did you use to be this disrespectful, to yell at me, to call me by my first name-"

" I've been thinking of you as Julie for over a year!" I cried. " This is who I fucking am!"

Julie's head whipped around so sharply it actually scared me. She almost slammed on her brakes, causing the car to skid to a stop, and my heart leapt in alarm. But at the very same time I found that I simply did not care- had someone rear-ended us, I would not have really cared...

" Don't you ever speak to me like that again," she hissed to me in a voice that would have chilled me in other circumstances. But I only sat there, staring, but really seeing nothing. All I could think of was Madrigal, Madrigal and our bonding... and I wanted so much to be with her then...

After a few seconds, Julie let up on the brakes, began to drive again, but she was not on her way home, which was a five minute drive from Madrigal's- like, three miles or something. She was just circling around to nowhere, determined to get every point she had out before she'd take me home to Alliance and her eagerness to know what she would do to me.

" You were never like this before that girl- MADRIGAL. You would NEVER have spoken to me like that- you would never have-" she shook her head as if she was too angry to even know what she wanted to say, which was probably true.

" Why are you doing this, Celeste? Why would you do something like that when you KNOW how wrong it is? Are you trying to hurt me, are you trying to make me angry, what? Is this about your father, are you trying to get attention- what is it?"

" Maybe I"m just being me!" I said loudly, in a more belligerent tone than I had ever spoken to her in over a year. " This is who I AM, Julie, no matter what you think, it is! If you think I'm wrong to be like this, then I'm sorry, but this is who I am! I'm not doing this to make you mad, it has nothing to do with you! It has to do with me, and Madrigal! She loves me- and I love her! I'm doing this because I love her!"

There- I had said it- words I thought would never be known to anyone but Madrigal, and never, ever, to Julie... I clinched my fists, my body tensed, pulsing strangely, infuriatingly, waiting for the explosion.

It was not quite as I'd expected. My mother's head jerked- I could see from her posture and the glimpses of her face that my words had stunned her. It was almost like I had slapped her face, the way she reacted, or as if I had cursed her in the name of God.

When she finally spoke, her voice was low, level; I"m sure it required a good deal of effort on her part.

" You will not under any circumstances see her again."

" I will," I told her, the panicky emotion rising in me at these words making me speak without thinking. " I will, you can't stop me. We're bonded now, you can't keep us apart!"

" You will not see her again if you wish to continue living with me," Julie said doggedly.

" Then I won't fucking live with you, I don't fucking care! I'll live with her!" I cried. I would- I would do whatever I had to to keep seeing her. I couldn't let her go, I couldn't- not Madrigal, the only person who'd ever understood me, ever loved me... the only person like me. How would I cope without our bonding- how would I keep from going insane? I had to have her- I had to- I had to see her every day, every damn day, I had to!

" You will NOT live with her," Julie snapped, her even tone breaking right then and there. " You're only sixteen, and I still have a say where you can go and where you live. That girl's little nest of- of SEDUCTION- is not one of them. If you want to live with your father and carry on this way-"

" I will NEVER live with that asshole Lorenzo," I shrieked, my face heating. " I will not live with a man who fucking rejected me for a whore barely older than I am! If you even try to push me off on him-"

" If you don't stop your disgusting ways that girl has taught you, then that may not be something you will have a choice in," Julie screeched back. Her driving was getting pretty scary- some role model for her daughter who had not yet gotten her license.

" Great, now both my parents reject me? You ever think that maybe you're scarring me for life with this shit?" I yelled, realizing as I said it just how many ways that statement applied to me. I dug my nails into my knees, almost having to bite my lip to keep from scratching myself with my own nails. God, I wanted to cut so badly...

" I do not have to put up with this. I cannot believe a child of mine..." Julie sputtered. " There are places I can put you besides with me or Lorenzo, Celeste. People who could help you get past the sins you let control you. Perhaps you need to go to a religious school. A boarding school. We can't afford it, but if it will make you-"

" What?" I shrieked. " I'm not going to a religious school to listen to people tell me to repent for being what I am- why cant' you see that this is me! I can't help it! I didn't choose to be this way- I'm not doing it to make you mad, or to make God mad- I'm doing it because I love her, because she makes me happy. She didn't make me bi, Mom- and that's what I am, I'm bisexual, I like guys too- there just aren't any guys at my school I want like that, there are no guys to match up to Madrigal, or even come close! I've always been bi- nothing you or Madrigal could have done would have changed it. I like girls! I like girls! Face it- your daughter wants to kiss girls!" I screamed.

I think if we had not been in the car, Julie would have hit me then, maybe even killed me. As it was, I'm sure she had an urge to crash the car into some vast unmovable object- hitting the side where I was sitting, of course. Instead, I only saw her stiffen even more, so she looked like a big steel being, and her driving sped even more. I half expected her to get pulled over- and should that happen, I wouldn't care. Let her try to explain the source of her road rage...

" We will not discuss this any further," she said in a slow, icy tone. " We are going home, and you will control yourself. You will not scream at me or Alliance. You will not speak to Alliance at all- if you try to revenge yourself against her, you will be very sorry. You are going to have your cell phone and your phone taken out of your room. You are banned from the computer. And when that bus takes you home from school and I am not yet there, you will not try to sneak using them. You will stay with your sister where she can watch you. I will repeat these instructions to her."

My head spinning, I could only sit there, my jaw clinched tightly in an attempt to control myself, to keep still, silent- for I felt like if I moved at all, something inside of me would fly out in fury, and I would scream and attack her physically....

I would not be allowed to see Madrigal. How- I could not do this, she could not go through with this! I had to see her- I had to! Without her there was no purpose to my life, no reason to continue living- none! Julie could not take her from me. I had to see her... I had to...

The rest of the way home took only about five minutes, but those minutes seemed excruciating. Neither Julie or I spoke, but both of us knew what was in the other's head and heart- Julie's stiff from over the wheel, her still-aggressive driving, her pinched mouth, told me all I needed to know. In her heart I was sure she was rejecting me and who I was- she as disgusted, angry with me. All the years I had wandered aimlessly in a pretense, unhappy, friendless, dateless, but obedient, so obedient, and straight, of course- she preferred me to go back to that, because it let her believe what she wanted to. She would rather have me live a lie she was comfortable with...

When we at last pulled into the house, I leapt up, hoping if I got into my room and past Alliance fast enough, I could lock myself into my room and call Madrigal- if the locks held this time. But Julie apparently caught my train of thought, for she jumped out too in such haste she left the keys still in the ignition.

" Celeste!" she yelled, chasing after me in an astonishing display of speed for a woman who was forty. " Come here now!"

I didn't get very far before she caught me- only the doorstep. She clamped her hand onto my shoulder, squeezing hard.

" You stay in the living room while I remove your phones," she said tightly, her skin pressing hard into mine.

I wanted to yank her hand off me, was about to do so when she removed it herself, opening the door and striding ahead of me into my room- MY room- to take my phones, my communication...

I slumped onto the couch, the hopelessness of my situation already coming to me in a wave of despair. I felt as though all my blood was gathering in my head, like I might pass out... Alliance came into the room, somewhat timidly, and was looking at me, asking something, but I was too weak to hear her. I couldn't even work up any anger towards her.

Julie emerged with my cell phone and regular phone in her hands a few minutes later. She said something to me, but this too I did not hear. Somehow I managed to stand, to stagger into my bedroom and close the door. I didn't bother locking it- obviously that hadn't worked last time. Obviously even my smallest shred of privacy was gone...

It was Friday night. How could I survive the weekend, wait all the way until Monday to see Madrigal again- and then only if Julie didn't force me to switch schools?

I lay on my side on my bed, curling up into a tight ball. I could feel the tears threatening, but I made myself hold them back. I couldn't start, for if I did- if I started to cry- I was certain I would be unable to stop. I just lay there, shivering slightly as I held my knees against my chest, fighting tears, fighting the steadily agitating itch that ran up and down my arms, my hip bones, my legs.

I wanted to cut. I wanted to, I wanted to... it was the only way I knew to feel better, to feel in control, even if only temporarily... I wanted to, but I knew I couldn't, not without Madrigal. It had become our thing now, our bonding... it would be wrong to cut without her, not the same at all. Any relief it might bring me would be tempered by the knowledge that I had betrayed her, that I had broken the sacredness, the seriousness of our bonding. By cutting without her, I would be announcing through my actions that I was disowning our bond, that we would not be together again. I would be admitting defeat, admitting that Julie had suceeded in keeping us apart...

I don't know how long I lay there in my tortured misery, how long it took my feelings to fade away to nothing but numbness. Eventually though I felt and thought nothing, nothing at all. Julie and Alliance both popped their heads in to check on me once or twice- probably to see if I had another girlfriend in the closet or something- and then backed out nearly before I realized they were there. They did not even attempt to make me eat dinner with them, something I was not sure I would have physically been able to do.

It wasn't until after 11 pm that the edges of my numbness began to wear off, and an idea began to form slowly in my mind. Only about twenty minutes earlier I had heard Alliance and Julie preparing for bed- brushing their teeth, shuffling around the hallway, etc. They always went to bed at such freakishly early times. After a while the house grew silent as they lay in their darkened rooms, drifting off to sleep... if they were not now, they soon would be.

As I lay there, my limbs relaxing as the idea worked in my mind, I had a mental image suddenly of Julie's car key, hanging from the ignition of her car...

They were asleep. I could get the keys... I had access. I could get them, drive the car to Madrigal...

The idea revived me rapidly, and I sat up, so excited that I was slow and clumsy, fumbling over myself in my movements. I would go see Madrigal- I would! Maybe we could- maybe-\\

Already my mind was plotting, scattering excitably but calculatedly in a hundred directions. I could not go out the front door, Julie and Alliance might hear me walking down the hall. I could not stay at Madrigal's over night, because in the morning when I was discovered missing, Julie would know where to look. We would have to leave, run away together- we could get jobs, we'd find a way to make it work. Until then we could live in our car- Julie's car- we'd have to change its license, we'd have to-

I found myself going to my large window, looking outside it into our side lawn. It wouldn't be a very big jump, only about three feet. I wouldn't even get hurt if I landed okay.

I pulled my window frame open, wincing at the loud scraping noise it make. Praying Julie and Alliance wouldn't hear, knowing I had to get out quick, I swung my legs up onto it, dangling them out the window. Gripping the frame with both hands, I pushed off, ducking my head as I fell onto the side lawn.

I landed in a squat that shook me, nearly made me fall over, but I caught myself by throwing out my hands. I stood quickly, a slight light-headness passing through me, then brushed myself off and strode over to Julie's car. I could see its paint glistening in the moonlight- it was almost as if it were calling for me... and perhaps it was.

I hurried over to it, my feet slapping against the pavement, but I didn't care how much noise I made- somehow I was sure Julie and Alliance would not hear. It was unthinkable to have bad karma twice in one day- surely this time luck was on my side.

Opening the driver's door, I slid into it, my skin prickling in a somewhat pleasant way. I turned the ignition quickly, tensing as the noise it made seemed louder than usual to my ears. Had they heard- would they wake up, come running screaming down the sidewalk?

I didn't wait to find out. I backed out quickly, trying not to be too loud about it- and I didn;t turn on my headlights, as much as I needed them to see. I didn't want to set off bright flashes so close to their rooms. Exiting our driveway, I drove down to the end of our street, my heart thudding ceaselessly in my chest. But almost ironically I was smiling- no one had woken up, I was free, I had escaped.

It was a good thing that Julie was so inexperienced with this. Leaving the keys in the ignition when she'd grounded me- you could tell she'd never had a problem child before.

But my smile faded the further I got from my house... I had planned this out pretty well. But what about after I got to Madrigal? How would we continue to stay together? I definitely couldnt' live with Madrigal- that would be the first place Julie would look. I couldn't hide somewhere and have her lie, because Petra would know I'd been there. We couldn't enlist her aid. I couldnt take Julie's car and ride away with it, could I? Taking her car like this, just a few miles to Madrigal's, was one thing- but leaving town, with no intention of returning? I didn't know that I liked that. It would be so easy for her to describe us to the police, to get caught, even jailed. Wasn't car robbery a felony?

And we had no money... I had left without clothes or toothbrush, nothing but myself and the clothes I was wearing. Perhaps I had not planned this out so well after all.

And then I was pulling into Madrigal's apartment circle, parking in front of her complex. The outside circle was still and quiet, I heard no noises outside those of my own making. It increased my nervousness even as I shivered in anticipation, walking up the stairs to her apartment. She would be so surprised, so thrilled. I pictured the smile that would take over her face, the gap between her teeth, the way her sad dark eyes would shine. She would glow, lit up by the moonlight outside the doorway...

Reaching the doorstep, this image vivid in my mind, I reached out and knocked softly on the door, then louder, realizing it had probably not been heard. There was no reply of any kind, so I knocked again.

This time I heard a male voice, loud; " What the hell- who the hell's out there?"

Then Petra's voice, almost a yell. " Dammit! Madrigal, get the door. See what they want! Tell them to go away!"

Even as I smiled at this- Madrigal would see me first, right away, before anyone else- I was angered by Petra's order. What kind of mother would send her teenaged daughter to answer the door in the middle of the night, when neither of them knew the caller's identity? I could have been a killer, a rapist- and she'd send her alone to greet me, while she finished screwing her sex partner?!

The same kind of mother, I supposed, who would hate her daughter for being happy with another girl...

I didn't have much time to seethe though, for Madrigal opened the door slowly, peeking out anxiously through the crack. Her face was drawn and mottled noticeably for her darker skin- I could see she had been crying, and her dark hair hung limply around her shoulders.

But nothing could dampen my burst of joy from seeing her- she was here with me again, I'd finally managed to reach her...

Her eyes grew huge as she realized it was me, and she flung the door open and pulled me tight into her arms.

" Celeste!" she cried. " Oh my god, Celeste! Celeste!"

I held her hard against me, my face finding a comfortable niche in the curve of her neck and shoulder. She was here, I could see her, hear her, feel her... a lump in my throat choked me so I could not speak, could only hold her so near to me that an outsider would have found it hard to distinguish between us.

" Oh god, Celeste," Madrigal was gasping, seeming as if every inch of her air was being forced out of her- and perhaps it was, perhaps I was squeezing too hard. But I could not seem to relax my hold. " Celeste, I thought- I thought we'd never- how did you get here- how did you- you didn't walk, did you?"

Finally I made myself lift my head, shake it wordlessly, gesturing with my hand out the door- I still couldn't speak. Madrigal peered over my shoulder, her hands still on my shoulders, my waist, craning her neck to see Julie's car. Her eyes lit up, and she laughed, hugging me closer to her unrestrained glee.

" Oh my god! Oh my god, Celeste, you took Julie's car!"

I nodded against her shoulder, revelling against the feel of her arms around me, the sound of her laughter. Madrigal laughed again.

" Oh god, I can't believe this! I can't believe you're here! How- what about Julie- didnt' she-"

she seemed to sober at this train of thought, looking at me solemnly, backing away from me to give me space.

I cleared my throat, finally was able to somewhat raspily speak. " Let's go to your room, and I'll tell you all about it."

" Of course," Madrigal said, nodding quickly. " I didn't even close the door, I was so excited to see you- we're just standing in teh doorway like idiots. Come on, of course we'll go to my room."

Taking my hand then, she led me quickly to her room. Just now was the sounds of Petra and her lover next door beginning to make an impact in my mind. They didnt' even care if there was a visitor at the door- it could be the police or a drug dealer, the president or the angel of death, and they'd keep on screwing, apathetic.

A sudden flare of anger in Madrigal's defense shot through me- I could not understand parents like hers, could not possibly understand how anyone could show such blatant disregard for the damage they could do to their daughter's psyche. Between Petra's blatant uncaring and Julie's blatant disgust, it was no wonder we were so screwed up.

Seeing my expression, sitting facing me on her bed, Madrigal nodded grimly.

" I know. Petra. Yeah. It really makes a person's joy elevate to new heights."

I shook my head in disgust. " You shouldn't have to deal with this, Madrigal. It's not right. It's like a form of child abuse, even if you dont see anything. It's sexual abuse, I really think it is."

" But what do I do- report it to the police, or DSS or something? Then what- if they even care, which I doubt, all they do is put me in some foster home, which is completely unnecessary. I've been taking care of myself for as long as I can remember. I'm pretty much an adult as far as I"m concerned. Besides, when I'm 17 I'll move out, get a job. Until then, I just have to put up with it- and that's no big deal. I've been doing it for years."

" But you shouldnt' have to, Mad. You shouldn't have to."

Madrigal shrugged, sighed, then raised her eyes once more to meet mine.

" Tell me what happened after Julie dropped me off, Celeste. Tell me how you got here."

Taking a steadying breath, I began to talk, filling her in on Julie's orders, her disgust and anger with me, her disbelief that a child of hers could be anything less than 100% heterosexual... I told her about her pronouncement that I was grounded, that I could not contact Madrigal in any way, that she would make me switch schools, if she had to... I told her, and I felt my dark feelings of anger, despair, fear, and hopelessness at our situation wash over me once more... for it was not over. Just because I was with Madrigal, just because I had managed to see her again, did not mean our problems were over.

Madrigal gripped my hands in hers as I spoke, her dark eyes never drifting from my face. When I stopped, she squeezed them firmly.

" I'm so sorry," she said softly. " But tell me how you escaped, Celeste. Tell me how you got here."

So I launched into my shimmy out the window and into Julie's car like one of those old-fashioned teen runaway movies- only most teens were on foot rather than stealing their mother's car. Well, borrowing for now- I still had no clue what I was going to do beyond now.

When I finished, Madrigal hugged me suddenly. I could feel her warm breath against my cheek and shivered.

" I'm glad you're here, Celeste," she whispered, and her voice shook. " I missed you... I was so afraid I'd never see you again. I love you."

" I love you too," I whispered, and I did, I could think of no moment in my life where I had felt such gratitude, such love for someone...

But when we pulled apart, it was the dark thoughts of my head that took over once more. Would we ever be able to see each other again after tonight? What would we do?

" I'm afraid, Mad," I told her softly. " I'm afraid of what will happen... what will we do? We can't stay here- Julie will look here tomorrow. She'll make me come back if she has to get the police to do it, I know it- and if we ran off with her car, they'd track us down and send us to juvie. I know she doesn't want me other than teh car and the shame of it... or maybe she does, she might want to save my immortal soul or something, I dont' know. But we dont' have jobs or money or a place to sleep, I don't know what to do, Maddy!" I almost moaned- and the more I thought about it, the more desperate I grew.

Madrigal wrapped her arms around me, putting her head against mine, and held me quietly, blinking back her own emerging tears.

" I don't know, Celeste... I don't know..."

Several moments passed as we clung to each other, clung to a togetherness that seemed so fragile to us...

When Madrigal spoke, her words seemed to come from another person, one who was older, weary.

" Let's cut together... we'll think about it when our heads are clearer, when we feel better..."

I nodded wearily, sitting straighter in my place. Suddenly cutting, bonding with Madrigal, sounded incredibly attractive- in fact, the only thing we could do...


Madrigal reached under her bed for the shoebox where she kept her sharps. She didn't have to work nearly as hard as me to hide hers, as her mother never went into her room, and even had she, she would never dream of Madrigal having or using them. Withdrawing it, she sat on the bed again, opening the top. I looked over her shoulder at its contents- knives of various sharpness, tacks, nails, safety pins, scissors, glass bits, and of course, razor blades... just the sight of them made me shiver, and my heart began to palpitate rapidly.

" What do you want from here, Celeste?" she asked me.

" I think tonight's a razor blade night," I replied somewhat hoarsely, my eyes taking in the razor's sharpness. Razors are the easiest, they cut the quickest, teh deepest, no having to drag it back and forth... one cut, then another, and another... they lack the stinging pain blunter sharps give, because you don't have to drag them over and over to draw blood.

Madrigal nodded, not smiling... tonight, even the thought of bonding together just could not seem to bring us the anticipated joy it usually had before.

" Yeah, tonight is definitely a razor night."

She withdrew one for me, then, to my surprise, another that she kept in her right hand.

" Tonight let's cut at the same time, and then switch blades ."

I looked at her, nodded slowly. It was a good idea, what she had said... not only mixing blood as usual, but cutting together, really together, not just in the same room sitting with the same razor, but at the very same time... we could not get much closer than that. And tonight of all nights I needed to feel close to her...

Together, watching each others' movements carefully, we took the blades and held them up to the tops of our left shoulders, communicating through unspoken agreement. Slowly we began to draw the blades down the lengths of our upper arms. I felt nothing, no emotion, no pain- unusual for our bonding. I only watched expressionlessly as blood seeped down my arm, down Madrigal's. Madrigal's eyes glittered with an emotion I did not recognize.

When she stopped about a few inches from her elbow, I did not want to, but as I continued along about an inch and a half past where she had stopped, a sudden widening of her eyes made me stop. Reluctant and strangely resentful to withdraw the blade, I shifted it to my other hand, beginning to cut along my other shoulder, without signing to Madrigal I was about to. Something was beginning to come over me, some emotion that never had before... some feverish, impatient desire to cut and cut, as quickly and messily as I could...

Madrigal had began to cut where I was beginning to, surprised at my abrupt shift- I had not even wiped the blood from my other shoulder with one of the stained towels Madrigal also kept in the shoebox. But as soon as the cut had reached my elbow, a matter of seconds, I was switching again to my calf, then my ankle, then my inner arm, dragging it atop older wounds... I was breathing faster now, audibly, and my body seemed to pulse, overheated...

All these strange, horrible feelings were hitting me all at once, all the feelings I always tried so hard to stifle all my life... fear, sadness, guilt, resentment, and anger, rage... and it was choking me, pushing me, all I could think of, what drove my hand to increase in speed, slicing at myself, blind to everything but the silver blade and my dark red blood.

Madrigal had tried to keep up, but after her third cut she had stopped, staring at me in open astonishment. I ignored her, just continued to slice my legs, my arms, my feet...

" Celeste, what are you doing?! You're going too fast!"

I barely heard her, certainly did not respond to her voice. She didnt' matter to me anymore, nothing mattered but seeing my own blood, more of it. I had to see more... no longer was my goal to feel better, to bond, but rather to slash adn slash at my own skin until I could no longer life my hand to do so...

Nothing could stop me now, no one, not even Madrigal...

Again and again I cut in an increasing frenzied movement, no longer paying attention to where. My heart palpitating erratically, my breathing ragged, I paid no attention to Madrigal, who had stopped to stare at me, eyes wide, beginning to fill with fear and confusion.

" Hey, Celeste, that's enough-" she said, unable to take her eyes off me. " Celeste, stop it- you're doing too much, you're bleeding too much..."

I continued singlemindedly, a flash of anger shooting through me at her words. She was attempting to stop me, trying to distract me- dammit, what was WRONG with her, couldn't she see?!

" Celeste, you're cutting too much, you're bleeding too much!" Madrigal cried, a note of panic in her shrill voice. " You're going to hurt yourself badly! Stop it!"

Another cut, on my palm... I had to drown out her voice, had to ignore her... I couldn't stop. I couldn't... and I didn't care, did not mind, even welcomed the surrendering of control this demanded of me.

" Celeste, STOP!" Madrigal shrieked, and distantly I knew she was really afraid now, really freaking out. " Don't, Celeste, you're scaring me, stop it! Stop it!"

And she reached out, was grabbing my hand, my arms, my blood staining her... she had hold of my hand, was trying to pry the razor out of it... I screamed, wildly twisting and pulling away from her, threatened, furious at her interference. It did not register in my mind who it was that was stopping me, that I was fighting against the person I loved most, who loved me... I only knew that someone was taking my razor, and I was enraged. I clawed at Madrigal's arms with one hand, and gripping the razor so tightly it cut my fingers, my palm, I slashed out at her with it, meaning to cut her as well. Gasping in horror and shock, Madrigal reared backward, letting go of me. I still held the razor clinched in my hand, holding it up to her threateningly. My arm was dripping blood in growing splotches on my clothes, the floor, her bedspread. I felt it dropping from my body to the floor... the room was spinning, and my body shook, weakened, but so angry and defensive I was able to remain standing, swaying, but viscious, ready to attack anyone who came near me...

Madrigal stared at me from where she had taken refuge about six feet away, slightly out of my reach. " Oh my god," she cried, and her voice was nearly a whimper. " Oh my god Celeste, oh my god..."

She turned and fumbled for her doorknob, flung it open as she fled the room, fled from me... I could hear her screaming for Petra, heard the sobs breaking apart the cadence of her speech. I tried to move, tried to bring the razor back up to my stomach, but my arm would not move. I was shaking, freezing... suddenly I could barely remain standing.

And then I was on the floor, my body in an unarranged pile... I dont' remember falling, only lying there, with my eyes half open as my breathing slowed, grew harsher... and then Petra's foggy voice somewhere in the distance, growing sharper, as she began to scream...

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