As Lisa Burns jumped he horse Buttercup she noticed that her father was there watching her ride. She smiled as she came up to him.
"What's up Dad?" Lisa asked. Her father Dan Burns was a very busy person so he mostly was late for dinner and he rarely came to see her ride her horse, looked up at her when she asked this. He put up one finger to show her to wait a minute because he was on the phone with an important business call. Lisa sighed when she realized this. She then turned her horse around and began trotting him around the ring and taking a jump on every lap.
After about five times around the ring she saw her father wave her over to talk. She was at the very other end of the ring so she cantered over to him. When she got there her father looked upset.
He looked her right in the eye and said, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" Lisa thought for a moment then decided.
"Good news first." Dan cleared his throat and replied,
"Your mother is pregnant but the bad news is that she and I have decided to get a divorce." He then looked down at his shoes. He continued, "I'm really sorry to do this Lisa, but your mom and I have tried everything! I mean from trying to talk it out to getting help from a counser. I hope you understand." While her Dad was talking to her, Lisa was thinking about her final year in high school that was coming up in another three weeks. How could hr parents do this to her?
"Why tell me now? I mean why not wait untill right before I start school!?" Lisa shouted at her father before taking off across the ring ......
"Lisa, come on honey. It's not that bad." He tried yelling. ......."No Lisa! Stop you will never make that jump!!!" San yelled to his daughter as she attemped to make the five foot jump gallopping all the way. .........
Author notes
I wrote this 3 years ago. I was 13 at the time. This is only the first page. I am going to add the second page soon. Enjoy! I can't fine the second page yet so you guys will have to wait...sorry
A contest entry
- HUGE POINTS!!! by beezy92.
1175 points, ended April 22, 2007, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Let me know your thoughts. This is only part of my book which I copyright
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Thank you very much for posting your comment. I take everything you say to heart and I understand what your saying. I have not had a chance to work on this piece in a long tome. I will come back and redo it so I would like you to reread it once I have.
Thanks again
Mem
*I have been away to Alaska so it took me a while to reply* -
I just want to point out that you use "she" alot when refering to the main character Lisa. You might want to add some more description too, like what the horse looks like, or what type of cell-phone is it? What does her dad look like? I also just want to point out that it's going a little too fast. You should put the good news and the bad news in two seperate sentences, and have Lisa have two different reactions to each new piece of information. But my parents might be getting a divorce (they're trying to fix it first) so I can really relate to what Lisa is feeling.
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Thank you again for commenting
Yea, it definatly needs some works, remember; I wrote this when I was 13, and it does continue, I wrote it in a book
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hummm...interesting.
okay, here is the critics...not being mean or anything, need to fix some errors. when she asked for the good news, you give it to her, for you, you put the good news then the bad news in the same sentence as though you wanted the story to end fast or something. im not much of a horse person. anyways...so far so good. nice job! -
lol. Actually no I did not.
I got the idea from my uncle mentaining the equestrian olympics was on tv a few summers ago and thought it all up. Did you enjoy it? -
Hmmm
I saw this on your author page and decided to read it (well, duh) Did you by any chance have this idea from watching "The Horse Whisperer" ?
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Thank you so much! I want to add the second page but I can't find it
I am in journalism right now and want to be published and be a journalist -
Wow this is really good. I can't wait to see how this turns out. You should really finish the second book, you could have a fitutre career in writing.
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Thanks. Actually it is the first page of my book. (lol) It has NOY been edited after I wrote it the first time because I never have time to do so. So please understand there are most likely going to be mistakes like that. But glad you like it.
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its a good plot
she's gonna have a lot going on in her life but you should continue it. i think you should cut out some of the mundane parts...for instance you can just say "she cantered over to her dad, surprised he was watching her ride. he was always busy.and even now, he was on his cell" its a little too wordy for my liking...i think you should finetune it a little but i like the plot a lot (= good job and good luck in the contest -
Your welcome, and actually I did not mean to enter this one My mistake but I fixed it with a different one. But glad you like it
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wow this was very nice good job and keep up the good work thank you for entering my contest good luck
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Thank you so much!! I have to find the second page but I will real soon and let you know when I do!
Mem -
AMAZING
This is great!! considering the fact that you wrote this when you were 13. I love this!! And i cant wait to read the second page! -
Thanks, yea, I just typed it off of my paper. There is more (at least 16) more pages. So this is so not the ending.
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I think this is my favourite of your storeys so far - it certainly has got a lot of interesting potential. Firstly try paragraphing it all before my eyes go square and then try and put more detail into the dad's news - especially the divorce, he needs to prepare her slightly for what is to come. I also like the ending, it is very ominous yet not entirely certain of what is to come.
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Thanks! No, I wrote it when I was about 12/13. Yes, I plan for 6 books total but I am currently making up mini series off of it with the same people and a bit of what may happen in my series.
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WOW
you wrote that at fifteen? wow!!!! im so glad you continued it (=
xoxo
bee
keep going!!!
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Thank you! I am sure there are some mistakes but everyone makes them. Noone is perfect.
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This is very good. There are a fair few spelling and grammar errors, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is the story, and the story is very finely written! I like it!
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Thanks
Thank you very much! I really take that to heart. That is only the first page and I did reword it a little bit but other then that it is the same as first written. I am going to continue to write, I know it. I have written poems, which I had never really liked poetry untill I started writing how I felt. Also I am going to finish what I started for my book series (continues off of this book) and there will be 6 books total if not more.
I may even keep adding the pages day by day if you would like.
Thabnk you again.
Also just to let you know, that was 3 years ago that I wrote this. I am currently 16, 17 this year. -
Well written, Im impressed. Only thirteen wow. good luck on continuing a career in writting because I think you have what it takes. Great Job!
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