Common Sense Ain't so Common

COMMON SENSE AIN’T SO COMMON

1. Q. What do you do when you only have a little contact solution left?

A. You do not wait until you have a little contact solution left you buy a new bottle when it is half-empty.

2. Q. Why don’t you stomp around in the bathtub when the shower is backing up?

A. Because you are going to fall out of the tub and crack your head on the toilet.

3. Q. Why don’t you use your foot to smash down the garbage in the garbage can?

A. Because of the soup lid in the garbage.

4. Q. Why don’t you wash towels with sweaters?

A. Because unless you want little towel pill balls allover the sweater we highly recommend you do not wash these two together.

5. Q. Why do you think that there is a strainer in a sink?

A. So that in six months you are not up to your elbows in shit trying to clean out your pipes.

6. Q. Why should you not wait until your gas tank is on empty in the dead of winter to fill it?

A. Because your fuel line will freeze and you will be late for work.

7. Q. Why should you not depend on the little sensor light in the car that lets you know when your gas is low?

A. Because one day the little bulb will stab you in the back and not work and you will run out of gas and be stuck in the middle of nowhere.

8. Q. Why should you stop the vacuum cleaner when you smell smoke?

A. Because if you would have taken the time to clean the bottom bristles that have accumulated a half a head of hair and a quarter of a carpet you would not be in this predicament now, P.S. unplug the vacuum cleaner before this operation because you could lose an appendage.

9. Q. Why do you not use a circular saw to trim your tree?

A. Because in this task there is usually another male, hence the blind leading the blind. Because of the distraction of a power tool when the tree is somewhat done, after one has fallen out of the tree, the other one who is laughing at the one who fell out of the tree finds a big board that he just has to cut and while laughing at the other guy he proceeds to saw the cord right the fuck off. Tripping the circuit breaker as sparks are flying out of the outlet, now the man who has cut the cord does not own the “brand new saw” that belongs to the guy that has fallen out of the tree, The cord cutter runs into the house to get black electrical tape screaming all the way “I can fix it just like new.”

10. Q. Why do you not verbally abuse someone else for ruining your power tools in a dumb ass way?

A. Because the guy that fell out of the tree that owned the saw after brow beating the guy who chopped the cord off and picked on him for a year decides to go and trim his hedges, with an electrical hedge trimmer and a fifteen-foot extension cord, do I even have to finish.

11. Q. Why do you not burn leaves on a really windy day?

A. Because you look like a real idiot running around your yard when half of it is on fire and you neighbor’s fence is going up and all you can think about is that you are going to be the one calling the fire department and be on the news.

12. Q. Why do a walk through checking the yard before you mow the lawn?

A. You don’t you do two walk throughs.

13. Q. Why do you do two walk throughs?

A. Because you will be amazed at what large objects can hide under a pile of leaves, by the way the year old lawnmower is busted.

14. Q. Why do you tell some one to make sure that they don’t hurt themselves before they do something constructive with something that could impale them, smash them, or electrocute them?

A. Because if you have to tell some one that, they shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

15. Q. Why can show and tell be a blast?

A. Because if you are chemistry teacher (number one you should know better) when you take your garbage bag and fill it with hydrogen, “safely” tape it to the schools brick gymnasium wall and use a lighting device to light it from over a hundred yards away you are going to blow up the wall of the gymnasium, no matter how smart you think you are never underestimate the power of something flammable.

16. Q. What do you call some one who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?

A. A doctor isn’t that scary.

17. Q. Why do you not use your finger to retrieve a lid from a can?

A. Because, just do it and find out.