Pathetic Beauty

I am seventeen, pretty, smart and I have enough wit for a grade A sitcom. I have a cool mom that doesn’t restrain me from being myself its new years eve and I am sitting in my living room eating brownie batter listening to seventies and eighties music in sweat pants and a t-shirt. Now this is not some story of Ms. Popularity falling from her high pedestal. This is a miserable teen that has no reason to be moping around but I do it any ways. I have not had a boyfriend for three years and in that time I have been on one date. I went to Homecoming this year with my friend and about three year crush Randy. It took must of my friends two years to accept that I liked him because well in social standards he would be considered beneath me. He was about head ugly as a dog I mean uni-brow and all. He was somewhat smart he would get good grades if he came to school but supposedly, he is always sick he has been that way since he was little. He was rude to most people but not me. He liked me I was smart not really superficial and I didn’t care what other people thought of me. I wore weird clothes and chewed out anyone that pissed me off I had no problem arguing with a teacher and I always won. He liked that I was smart straight A’s but from the beginning we agreed that he and I dating would be a disaster.

I am goody two shoes and he was a bad *bunny* well sort of. We just were there for each other when everyone else turned their backs on us. That happened to us a lot especially to him. He understood my cynical view of the world and listened to me rant and rave we would talk on the phone for sometimes five hours he became my best friend. I don’t like getting close to people I just wind up hurt I don’t see the need for deep human attachment. I have friends yes but nothing real they don’t know anything about my heart and he was beginning to understand me a little to well. We decided to go to homecoming. I really wanted to go but all my friends had dates so I didn’t want to go dateless he went to homecoming his freshmen year and had a miserable time so it was hard to convince him. It took me convincing him that there was no one else for me to go with. I went through every guy in my school of 480 students and couldn’t find that I would go with that would go with. I could find a few that would have gone with me but they all had either serious mental conditions or were total delinquents. There may have been one nice guy that I could have convinced to go with me but he had no spine he would let me push him around all the time. He has had one girlfriend and he is too much of a chicken *bunny* to make a move. Now you may be asking why a girl that is supposedly attractive smart and funny can’t get a guy it is these few things. I can be a total *bunny* it is a defense mechanism really. The main ones though are I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or the big one put out. A guy isn’t going to get anything from me and I make that abundantly clear. So the few guys that aren’t looking for a piece of *bunny* are too wimpy to deal with my mood swings. Hence, I was single for a very long time and Randy was the only guy I was even close to compatible with. We had a good time at homecoming we sat and made jokes about the other people there and we danced a little we just hung out. After we went out to eat and played games at the arcade. We just had a good time. We started to get a bit more serious after that I actually asked him to come to a play I was in. He hates musicals and plays so I had never bothered him with it before but I thought that maybe he would actually come now I spent a bout a month trying to convince him to come. One day when I was nagging him, he shook his head and pulled out a ticket. I couldn’t believe he was coming I was so happy. I got this foolish grin on my face and I couldn’t stop smiling all day. The next day was the play I reminded him fifth period about the play and he seemed to be bent on coming. The curtain opened for the play and I didn’t see him anywhere. He didn’t come. I came to him the next day at school and asked him if he had come, I was hoping desperately that I had just missed him or that his car broke down and he was late but his response was simply that he had better things to do. He was impossible to talk to all day I thought I was *bunny*y but he became the Queen *bunny*. I figured I would find out what happened the next day but the next day was a snow day so I had to wait all weekend until Monday. He wasn’t at school he wasn’t at school for the next two weeks. From what I heard from his friends, he had strepthroat. I later found out he was in the hospital So he came back the day before finals once again he was difficult to talk to the most I got out of him was that it was a stupid reason to miss the play and that it wasn’t entirely his fault. That was it. The next day I didn’t have any finals to take so I couldn’t talk to him and the next day I didn’t have any with him. So now Christmas break New Years Eve and not a phone call not an e-mail not an apology or an explanation. I held him in such high regards and now all that I want to do is to take my dads shotgun and shove it down his throat. I had agreed to not date him but I got my heart broken anyway it has been over a month since he blew me off and I still don’t have an answer. He didn’t have enough respect for me to call me and tell me why I wasn’t good enough for him. Right now I should be hunting for some one new you know look for a rebound guy but it is stupid because I am to picky and to *bunny*y and it is going to be a long time before I can find some one to date or even like. So like always I sit around and cram junk food the only miracle is that I am still skinny as a rail.

Sincerely,

Pathetic Beauty