Intorduction:
Two girls named Avaine and Nita were very random. They got along so well that they become On-line pen-pals and random twins. They lived in different states but when Avaine was twenty-four and Nita was twenty-one they met in New York and started a t.v. show called Random Twins.
Episode One:Avaine's Crisis Part One
Avaine walked down the snow packed sidewalk to a house that was a beautiful peach color. She walked up the front steps and rang the doorbell. A young twenty-one year old red headed girl with glasses opened the door.
"Hello?" The woman said.
"Nita? It's me Avaine!" Avaine said to her pal. She hadn't seen Nita since she was eighteen.
"AVAINE! Come in from the bitter cold!"Nita said pulling Avaine inside and shutting the front door tight and locking it.
"Take off your snowy clothes and shoes and sit on the couch. I'll get you some hot coco."Nita said getting some hot cocoa.
"Do you live here alone?"Avaine asked.
"Actually,I got married three months ago. You said you couldn't make it to my wedding because of some family crisis. Remember?"Nita said giving Avaine her hot cocoa.
"Oh yeah. Sorry about that." Avaine said feeling guilty as she drank a sip of her hot cocoa.
"It's okay. Did the crisis get patched up?"Nita asked grabbing her hot cocoa and sat down next to Avaine.
"Yeah,so who did you marry? Who was the lucky guy?" Avaine asked smiling at her best friend.
"Bryce Jones. Remember him?" Nita said.
"Oh that hunk of cheese? YOU ARE SO LUCKY!" Avaine said dreaminly.
"Don't be hitting on my MAN!" Nita said seriously. She giggled.
"Where is he?" Avaine said curiously.
"Work" Nita said.
"Oh,can I ask you something Nita?" Avaine asked standing up and putting her hot cocoa cup in the sink.
"Sure,you can ask me anything Avaine" Nita said putting her cup in the sink.
"I need to live her for a few weeks. Got any room?"Avaine said hoping that Nita would say yes.
"I thought you had a house in Washington What's wrong that you need to live here?"Nita asked concerned about Avaine.
"I need to get away. I'll tell you why later. So yes or no?"Avaine said getting impatient.
"I guess" Nita said unsure about her decision.
"Thankles! I am gonna go get my bags from the car." Avaine said putting her snow stuff on and headed out the door to her car at the end of the street.
The next day Avaine woke up and found Nita looking ticked off about something.
"Why are you so ticked?"Avaine asked a little bit wishing she hadn't said anything. Nita wasn't nice when she was ticked.
"YOU! I wanna know what is up with your escape from Washington! You ARE NOT leaving until you tell me!" Nita asked really ticked.
"I can't tell you!" Avaine said trying to defend herself against her ticked off friend.
"YES YOU CAN AND YOU WILL!" Nita yelled furiously.
"OK! I am forced to be married by some rich, ugly, creepy,player man who says if I don't then I have to die!" Avaine said bursting into tears.
A contest entry
- Impress me! by QueenWolf.
350 points, ended January 14, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I hope you enjoy my drama t.v. show! I worked hard!
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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It was nice. There were some editing issues there. The beginning didn't really hook me because it seemed a tad unrealistic. Slow down the pace a bit more. With some tweaking, this would be very interesting.
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wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Iloved it great! but, one thing that you could do is leave people in suspense! so next time don't tell what's going on. OKAY?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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I am working hard to make this a hit series. You guys give me so much criticisum. I thought this would be a great story. I guess not...
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nice start but i think the dialouge could use some tweaking. instead of comming out and saying you have snowy clothes try things like...Avaine took of her snow covered jacket.... see what i mean, keep on going thoug
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OKAY
This story is well written but is not my cup of tea. keep up the good work. Tres Bien! -
ok the story is ok but the ending was a little quick you know but i think it could have been better though
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This was an alright story for the shells of a tale. It seemed shallow, and lacked description and character development. The dialogue seemed forced and unnatural, and the characters didn't really act how people might in this situation. It was an interesting beginning to a story, and with work, it could turn into a good one.
-Ethan -
it was alright. i didnt really understand some parts, but the rest was good. congrats on a well done piece.
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Really interesting idea. A little confusing, though.
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Not sure what this was all about. I saw nothing that had to do with twins and the storyline left completely confused.
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There doesn't seem to be much random twinning going on, just a quick sidenote in the beginning that says they are indeed random twins. As a former random triplet, I resent that.
Also, as a screenwriter, I feel inclined to point out that this isn't really written for television, and isn't enough for an episode. But thankles is a funny word. Thankles. -
Thanks for sharing. Can you write these in Word or another program that allows you to check your spelling before submitting? Your typos are distracting. cocoa, creepy, different. Love the opening about random twins, such a silly oxymoron, quite cute. Keep it up, it is evident that you have something to offer.
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Don't let this story go out in public...it's totally naked!
Basically what you have here is a skeleton story with very little description, riddled with spelling and punctuation errors. This definetely has potential, it just has a long way to go.
1. Add background information. One paragraph doesn't give your reader enough information to understand your characters motives.
2. Add setting description. A reader will be much more interested in the story if they can picture it clearly.
3. Keep your dialogue realistic and less scripted. Grab a friend and read your story out loud. If it feels awkward out loud, it is awkward for the reader.
4. Make sure you spelling and grammar is correct. It's natural for a reader to correct things as they go, but too many will send them reeling. If you'd like me to go through and pick out all your errors I will, but for now I won't spend the time if you won't go back and edit. If you would like some help I would be willing!
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You have a few spelling mistakes in this one. The dialogue flows well in this story. It could use more description about the characters but overall it's still good. i'm a little confused if this is part of the show though or what happens before. good work though
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I like that you don't always use said afew more words to mix it up are announced questioned stated yelled exclaimed,,cool names for your characters good story interesting keep writing
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You have an interesting start and seem to know where you're going, which is good. I just think you're moving a bit too fast. Your dialogue seemed forced because you tried to get to the point too quickly. You had a few punctuation problems, as well. For instance, this sentence: "'Take off your snowy clothes and shoes and sit on the couch. I'll get you some hot coco.'Nita said getting some hot coco." The period between coco (which should be "cocoa," by the way) and the quote should be a comma. You made that mistake quite a few times. If you'd like, could proofread your story and help you make corrections. I really do think this has potential; you just don't want little mistakes to get in the way and distract your reader.
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I would like to say it is a good story BUT instead of 2 write "two" and 18 "eighteen" You have a good plot but I would change alot of how it is written myself but each to ones own.
Good luck
Penny x x x -
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I tried to make this dramatic and a lil' bit funny with the he's a hunk of chesse thing but I hope you enjoyed it. I appreaciate ALL the comments.
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Oh. My. Gosh. What happens? TaylorRenee is completely right. HOW CAN YOU JUST LEAVE US HANGIN' THERE? We'll fall off!
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I LOVE IT I LOVE U BUT I HATE U!!! DO U HAVE TO GIVE SUCH A CLIFFHANGER!?!?!?! ((i loved ytour writing, nicley done, u should go into more detail in the next pat though!)) I GIVE A 999.999%!!!!!
Taylor the Common twin
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hehe.nice random twin! very creative and a start to what can be very interesting. keep it up! add more drama to it too!
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