I am sitting in my room, waiting for my mom to come home.
she had to work later tonight. I hope she gets home soon. Because Angie is bothering me. I feel like i'm going to scream.
People should feel sorry for me to be here with my werid, and annyoing sister. All she does is jump around like a minac!
I see a car pulling up. Mom is home! I race down stairs to greet mom. Then I open the door, and... nothing. Mom isn't coming out of her car. I check the inside of the car. No one is in the car.
I check the back of the car, no one is there ethier. This is werid. I don't see anyone around. I check down the street. No one in the streets. Usually Mrs.Harck is out, but she is not out ethier. Where is everyone? I check the inside of the car again,still no one is in the car.
I ran back inside to see if Angie was there. I checked all around the house, even the bathrooms. One bathroom was locked. "Angie?" I asked. Then there was a real strange sound. It sounded like a glass was broken. I turn the door knob again. It was open this time. I looked inside, and the window that was in there was broken! There was two pieces of paper. I picked up the first paper, and read it out loud. "Dear Fane, if you ever want to see your love ones again, come to Los Angelous. You and your wrost enimy are the only ones around in the city."
Wow. What did the letter mean when it said,"You and your wrost enmiy are the only ones around in the city"? Please don't tell me it meant, Casy Dancase!
Then there was a knok on the door. I looked throw the key hole on the door. It was, Casy Dancase! I opened the door. "Hello, Fanger," said Casy in her meanset voice. "Listen, you and I are the only ones here. So we have to try to get along," I said.
To be conuined
Is this story scary?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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fragmented sentence, and proper structure take away from this somewhat. Sentences should start with capitals. dialogues should be seperated to increase flow and add emphasis.
I'd suggest double checking this and watching for structure. Good start -
It's a good start but lacks a little as far as description and background. I also noticed a few misspelled words. Mostly these were 'weird', 'worst', 'through' and 'maniac'
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Good
Hey, this was good. I didn't exactly find it scary...but, if you extend it in the right way, I'm betting it will be. Good work with this one...needs a little work with grammar and stuff, but it was still good. -
yes it is a little scary but itz kool
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This is a very good storyline. I'd like to know how this 'villian' managed to clear out a whole city though.
One thing I noticed is that it was more like you were reciting events and not describing the events that were happening. It felt stunted. In my opinion it needed to flow together more. What was the character feeling when she saw that her mother was missing? Did her heart start beating faster? She was frightened? This just needs to be expanded. Take time to describe the characters feelings and surroundings.
You've got the makings of a very good story here and I hope that you will continued.
~*Brooke*~ -
Good. Yes, it's scary.
A great beginning to a very suspenseful story with very believable characters. Let's hear some more.
Robert Davidson.
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If you ever want to see your LOVED ones...
Enmiy is Enemy...i believe but i know the i isn't right.
Suspensefull. I like it...I'm going to read more! *stands and claps*
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its a good start, i realy like the storyline so far, so id bee intrested to read the rest. i noticed a few errors right off, but thats common.
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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could be
follow it through, perhaps by using the second piece of paper.
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continue it then
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very good you should continue it soon i want to hear more about it
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thanx ino
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k not such a bad start, but you should really run it through a spell check.
interesting though, with "the only ones in the city"... -
ok, and werid
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werid
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