A stopwatch was clicked by a tan but calloused thumb. "You're late," said Pei Tzu. He was dressed in an embroidered green robe, though he had surpassed the age of sixty fifteen years prior. The sunrise lifted the veil of the horizon just behind Tzu's blooming white gardens. David stood in Tzu's driveway beside the stolen Datsun, oily and pale. "Even monkeys fall out of trees, David-san," said Pei Tzu gesturing toward the rusted ride. His face was like a river of sinewy streams, hardened by history.1
"I was at a wedding," said David as he began walking toward Pei Tzu. He took a fleeting glimpse at the stopwatch and bowed out of respect though he was exhausted to a fever. "What did you need, Pei Tzu?" said David. Suddenly, he heard footfalls close in from behind him and quickly turned around. 2
Three large men, like a haze of mosquitoes, swung white knuckled fists - "there is nothing worse than a traitor," David thought. He was on the ground watching each blow like an observer. For a moment, in Pei Tzu's gardens he saw his tiny daughter playing alone with her stuffed animal. "I need your cooperation or we'll both be dead," said Tzu. David blacked out.
Author notes
I've been watching too many martial arts films.
Constructive Criticism
Comments
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Good imagery.
Two criticisms:
1) The paragraphs are too long. Start a new one each time someone speaks, the scene changes or some new action occurs.
2) Sometimes you use words like "but" or "though" that imply a contrast and I don't see what you're contrasting.
tan / calloused
green robe / 75 years old
bowed out of respect / exhausted
It's good imagery, but not necessarily contrasting images. -
Fantastic, I have noticed that imagery is your strong point. I particularly like this line: "His face was like a river of sinewy streams, hardened by history".
I must point out though that imbroidered is actually spelt with an e at the beginning.
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still intrigued
hmm...bite-size action bits. So I suppose I'll need to keep reading to find out what happens. I'm now beginning to wonder who David is and why Pei Tzu is in trouble. imbroidered=embroidered me thinks. Other than that, descriptions are good, and I like where this is going.
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Very good.
You've been watching to many martial arts films? I grew up on them.
I liked the piece very much, it is well paced and the launguge used is spot on.
Well done once agian.
I have written a piece called Snifter Anyone? it was my first ever attempt and would love your thoughts.
All the best.
jsdkbeginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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