Adventures of Disillusionment - Intro

Over the past year my world has been entirely flipped upside down. At only 19 I feel like being in a new town, in my own apartment, on my third year of college, and with my life, and with my friends, I’ve hit upside down. I’ve never been one to just sit back and let things happen. Preferring to take charge, I realize that I cause much of what happens to me, myself. That’s not say that in the moment as it’s happening, after the planning and attempting, and before completion, just as things are happening, I don’t look up and think “holy shit! Is this actually happening?” I suspect this is normal though, I think everyone does it. People calculate and plan things, and then when they actually happen, they surprise the hell out of us. I just do more surprising things than most. At least lately. I guess it all started about two years ago…

I was finally out on my own, my own dorm room, with a cool roommate and I was at college, two years early. The idea was scary as hell, and exciting as hell. I loved it for the first week, and then everything went to hell.

First the first guy I decided to hook up with, also my age turned out to be even less mature than humanly possible. Then rumors and stories were spun and I had to fix it. Two days later classes started and my roommate went crazy with stress. Within months we’d stop getting along, but I could see it even then. To make matters worse, when I confessed my feelings of affection to my best friend, the one guy who didn’t make me cringe for one reason or another, he informed me he wasn’t interested. There were others that chased me. After all a petite blonde with bright blue eyes, and a tight dance toned body could illicit a response from most guys. But I only had eyes for him. Still, I could deal, after all I was a mature 16 at the time. When he had me ask out another girl for him, though that broke me. I did it, and diligently acted the best friend when she turned him down, but later that night, I cried.

Things began looking up when after a month of aimless flirting Neil and I finally started dating, the fiasco he had put me through behind us, and my roommate switched rooms, leaving me to my own devices. I made friends fairly quickly from then, and things went smoothly from there.

Incidents with grades, the bump about revealing my relationship with Neil and many other little things caused problems with the parents, but other than that I was happy. I had a boyfriend, a sweet, interesting, funny boyfriend, named Neil. A boy with chocolate skin, and sweet brown eyes, that turned black when I touched him in the right ways, a boy who I fell in love with. I had a best friend, a tall, pretty, delicate, ballerina named Kristin. And I had a world into which I fit. All went well.

What I’m getting to is the one night that Neil and I decided to sneak out of the dorm and go mess around. Sneaking was virtually necessary since the administration kept a close watch on all of us under-age college students. We snuck off to one place or another and after a few nights of fighting were looking toward to making up. That was our first night. I remember it more clearly than I thought possible at the time.

After a while of fooling around, I looked up at him and he had the most loving look on his face. It was sweet and genuine and kind. He looked at me and I simply asked what he wanted to do. Alright so not so simply, more coyly and teasingly than anything. He responded that he just wanted to be inside of me. Now it seems almost awkward, but at the time it made my stomach do a flip. All I could do was bit my lip and nod.

After the condom was on, and he was hovering over me, it all seemed surreal. I was expecting pain, and a terrible loneliness. Instead he slid in slowly, and painlessly, though rather awkwardly, and just looked me in the eyes. Both his and mine were wide at the sensation, which was new and strange, and not at all unpleasant. “I love you” s were whispered and we rocked back and forth for a while. It didn’t last long, but it was wonderful. It was safe, and warm and eternally blissful.

The next day, the innocent and sweet sentiments were no longer of interest to either of us. That morning held a raucous endeavor where we tore at each others clothes until naked, and had tried every position we could think of considering how new we were to the experience. It lasted for hours, and after the fact I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t even talk. I was fucked senseless, literally. Since then, for the two years we’ve been together, we’ve had many a time like that. Some in cars, some in beds, some in showers, and other in many random and naughty places that should never be mentioned in writing.

That morning was how it started though. The eternal search for exciting sexual activities to partake in. We wanted to know everything about how to please each other, and we were willing to learn.

We survived those two years in the dorms as a couple, something that rarely happens. That however was not the only relationship that was formed. Kristin, Chloe and I all stayed friends thought there were rough spots. Kristin and her boyfriend Alex also remained close, as did Chloe and Pi. After our graduation with and Associates of Science, we all made plans for Mizzou. We were all excited to be truly out on our own.

Kristin, Alex, Pi and Chloe all moved in together, while Neil and I each rented a separate place. He ended up in a bachelor pad with 3 other guys and I ended up ditched by the potential roommate. At that point Neil and I were going back and forth between my place and his, considering I didn’t want to be left alone at night, and this is when things started to get interesting.