On a cold stormy night in mid November in a castle high in the mountains a special ceremony begins. There is a coven of vampires who live in this castle and their king has chosen a queen at last. They are to wed tonight in front of the whole coven then they hunt their first meal together.
"Do you King Mccauley take Miss Crickett to be your wife?" Father Dean asked his old friend.
"I do." King Mccauley answered starring into the eyes of his true love. It had taken a few hundred years to find her, but then again he hadn't been looking for an older woman, he hadn't been looking for anyone really.
"And do you Miss Crickett take King Mccauley to be your husband?" Father Dean was saying.
"I do." She said. She was gazing into the eyes of her true love. She had dreamed of this night for over a year.
"Please join hands,"Father Dean said.
They joined hands and looked at each other. Miss Crickett wore a long black med-evil wench dress with purple as a second color.
King Mccauley wore a beautiful black leather tux. He had a blue shirt on under the jacket. They were the colors of the coven.
"Miss Crickett and King Mccauley, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride my king." Father Dean stepped down and went into the crowd of onlookers.
As they kissed someone yelled,"All hale King Mccauley. All hale Queen Crickett. May you rule for as long as you live."
A contest entry
- A Vampire Contest... With a twist. by Xineph.
600 points, ended June 19, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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lol! like the ending, did anybody else get that?
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huh, i like it but i dont absolutely love it. usually i disagree with the masses, but this could just be normal peopl getting married. there is no uniqueness about it. it needs a lot more.
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A good start...
But right now, kind of lacking in content. This shows promise, but on its own is rather lacking. Good writing, though. -
Do like the idea; a king of the vampires getting married. And a nice touch by having him having waited a "few hundred years." A few things that might help this very nice story: to start it needs to flow a bit more so start sentences less abruptly. Instead of "There is a --," try "A coven of--"
"They are---then will hunt--." How does the coven feel? Is the wedding taking place around a fire? I imagine vampires and fires, but maybe that's just me. Could see banners on the wall and the coven gathered round, eyes gleaming in the fire light, etc. These things might give some depth to what you have going. In any case I do like what you have, so good writing.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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In many stories you find the author using all five senses in every scene and alot of the time we new writers (myself included) forget to include these. So my critiquing revolves around those.
You have started with an interesting plot, but we only have a couple of sense in here. What did the room feel like? Was it warm or cold? Damp or dry? You haven't picked out one or two main characters in this so I can't ask what did the cloth feel against the skin, etc...
We hear them talking but what about a soft rustling on the banners on the wall?
And there is no smell. Was Miss Cricket holding flowers?
Just some suggestions.
~*Brooke*~ -
This is... wow... really good! I love Vampires, I actually study them, and I have never heard them refered to as covens, so maybe do a little research and find a different word... Wonderful beginning though!
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In your title it looks like you intende "Diamond Eyes" rather than dimond. I really wasn't aware that groups of vampires are referred to as covens. I have heard that term in connection to groups of with witches or warlocks, well I am not actually sure about warlocks either. At any rate, you might want to do some research on the word and see if it fits, as I might be wrong.
I think you could add a bit more detail to the ceremony to reflect the fact that it is a royal and reagal affair. You story is easy to follow and even though you have a bit of confusion in verb tenses here and there you have a good start to expand on. I would be interested to read future edits and additions to the story.
Keep writing and welcome to StoryWrite
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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