My Innocence (Stupidity)

I’m going to write you a story1

About my love and my heartache2

Just because3

I can4

It all started my freshman year.5

I was sitting on the floor by my locker6

Talking to a friend7

When up comes a random guy friend of hers.8

He was obnoxious and quickly reached into my locker9

And pulled out my picture notebook10

Which just happened to be doubling11

as my modeling portfolio of the moment.12

I was mortified and ran to grab it from him.13

After a quick game of keep away14

I managed to snag it back15

And my friend laughingly introduced us.16

That was the start of our beautiful relationship.17

As time went on we began to talk on the Internet18

And I became more and more intrigued19

By this incredibly intelligent and of course, sexy, boy.20

We grew closer21

And flirted openly22

Everyday23

That is24

Until I found out25

That he had a girlfriend26

That went to a different skool.27

I was so disappointed.28

But I hid it29

And our relationship stayed the same.30

What’s wrong with a little harmless flirting?31

I was overjoyed when I heard he had broken up with her32

Ahhh, that was the day.33

We quickly resumed our tirade of affection34

Then came spring break, and the fair35

We spent a lot of time walking around together36

And for the past weeks he had been asking every1 whether or not37

He should ask me out.38

I was soo happy.39

I thought it could possibly come true.40

We said goodbye Friday night41

And I knew I had him hooked42

That was43

Until my friend called me Wednesday44

And told me that he was going out45

With that other girl46

Again.47

I was heartbroken.48

He hadn’t even had the grace to tell me.49

Just went on flirting50

Letting me think everything was hunky dory51

But I loved him so much52

I didn’t even protest53

After a week.54

No, of course it was nothing more than flirting55

I would never help him cheat56

Beyond stealing my scrunchie at lunch57

And chatting on Instant messenger58

That’s as far as it went59

I still felt betrayed that he could have been60

Talking about getting with me61

And two days later another girl appears62

From thin air.63

I didn’t even know he’d seen her in a month.64

So on went the bloody river of time65

And I still loved him66

And became content at my distance67

Knowing I could never have him68

It became my fantasy69

My dream.70

My painful reality 71

when I saw him every day at school.72

It was impossible.73

Then, waddaya know…74

They broke up!75

Nothing had ever changed in our relationship76

Besides my knowledge that he was unattainable.77

But, as my scorching river of fate would have it,78

As I once again got so close…79

They were together again.80

Chiseling a few more pieces81

off my already broken heart.82

And still I fell deeper in love with him83

Makes me feel so pathetic84

Looking back on it85

And at the time I was wondering86

How many of these fucking loops87

I would put up with88

Before it got to be too much.89

Little did I know that the worst90

Was still so far away91

So on we went on92

With our flirting and shy smiles93

I often forgot he had a girlfriend94

He never did act like it95

He had no idea how I felt96

All of this time97

Because the last time I had told him openly98

Had been months ago99

At the fair.100

And so, I wrote him a letter101

And told him to his face once102

He was amazed103

And had had no clue104

Which just goes to show105

How dense he was106

Because the rest of the school knew107

And asked me all the time108

And then109

He broke up with her110

For me.111

I felt so low112

And bad for her113

That it had been me114

To break them apart115

But tat the same time116

My happiness overcame117

That guilt.118

And I sank into his arms and his soul.119

Lost to the world forever120

We were content.121

Then something happened.122

Something changed.123

And my heart began to ache124

In anticipation.125

At my locker once again126

And I was approached127

By some hoochie freshman128

With layers of makeup caked on her face.129

She concernedly felt it her duty130

To let me know131

That my man had cheated on me.132

I tersely replied that I already knew133

But inside 134

I melted135

I could hear my heart burning136

And flowing out onto the floor.137

But I could not cry.138

I was too wounded to cry.139

When he came out of class140

I tried to pretend141

That everything was alright142

But he saw it right away143

And knew144

That his secret was out.145

He tried to talk about it.146

I think he wanted me to be angry147

Or to cry.148

Show some emotion, to let him know I cared.149

But I was numb150

I was too numb to do anything but stand there151

And absorb the hallway152

You wanna hear the best part?153

She was his best friend’s girlfriend.154

And so, when I left my next class155

For the bathroom, half-way through156

I found him in the hallway as well157

Steve and I had hung out a lot, 158

Considering he and my boyfriend were best friends.159

So when we saw each other160

it was a moment of understanding.161

While I reacted with pain162

He made up for my lack with anger.163

We stood in the hallway164

Fuming and in tears165

And I tried to convince him166

To not put a hole through the wall 167

Or my boyfriend’s jaw.168

Then out he came from English169

Looking grave and upset170

As well he should have been171

To describe what happened exactly would take pages172

Because there are so many emotions173

attached to that particular incident174

but in the end175

he lost that friend176

forever.177

They managed not to get into a fist fight178

But Steve’s anger and words179

Will be in my memory forever.180

What happened to us?181

You might ask.182

Well, being sad as I am,183

I forgave him in that instant.184

Oh no, it was not easy.185

I was hurt bad and didn’t want to grasp it186

But when he started crying because I told him it was alright187

And sobbing that it wasn’t ok188

I believed that he was sorry.189

And I figured that losing his best friend190

Was enough for one day.191

We went on, and I had forgiven him for kissing that slutty freshman192

But the hurt193

Had pierced me too deep to be ignored.194

I was never blind to the fact that I could no longer trust him.195

So the problems began.196

Not fighting everyday problems197

But the presence,198

The aire of pain that surrounded us when we were together199

My wounded heart200

Would not let me rest back into happiness.201

Trust is my most important addiction.202

And it was missing.203

Every thing he told me204

My soul had to doubt.205

Never take it at his word206

A protection method207

That tore me apart.208

After a while209

It became too much210

For either of us to bare 211

And one day212

When we were supposed to go out213

He called me an hour later214

Stoned.215

That was my last straw.216

I couldn’t deal with it anymore.217

I couldn’t live with his pain.218

So I planned to break up with him.219

But when I turned to say it220

I couldn’t do it.221

What if it was a mistake?222

What if I regretted it?223

Was I giving up too easily?224

By the end of the week,225

We both knew that something was wrong226

And so at lunch227

We sat down to talk about it.228

And walked away happy229

As friends.230

I was ecstatic that first few days.231

Truly happy that we were getting along again232

And glad to be free233

Of that pain.234

It felt as if a physical weight 235

had been lifted from me.236

Then we talked again,237

Both an attempt to not ruin it238

To stay friends.239

Yet it ended up a confessional.240

An endless flow of telling each other241

how much we missed each other242

and so it went.243

Both of us tried to move on.244

Put up our happy faces245

And separate from that love.246

But at the end of the day or week247

We would admit to the silence of our minds248

All of the little things249

That we noticed were missing250

From the sides of our lives.251

And now…252

Here we are again253

Happily in each others arms.254

I have left so much out of this255

Of the perfect and good person that he really is.256

And portrayed only the bad stuff257

Because to include that.258

Would take pages more.259

And would be repeating stuff in my mind260

That I already know.261

And the purpose of this262

Is to show me how really crazy I am263

How pathetic this love has made me.264

And how much we really have gone through265

Together266

To get to where we are today.267

So I leave this, with the parting prayer.268

That this happiness will outlast the pain.269

And there will always be another day of sunshine on the horizon.270