Susan looked down the street. Nothing looked familiar. "God," she sighed under her breath, pushing her long blond hair out of her face. She walked halfway down the narrow alley, then changed her mind. Tears had been forming in her pale blue eyes for the past five minutes. Finally she gave in and sank down next to the dirty old building, hiding her wet face in her knees.1
"You're not lost, are you?". The voice that spoke was soft, and smoother than honey. It was so sweet sounding, the morning dove would be put to shame, never to sing again. 2
"Yes." Susan looked up. The hope that had bloomed in her heart quickly turned to shock. The man's appearance was like none she had every seen before. He was tall, thin, yet strong. Perhaps it was only a trick of the silverly light, but his skin appeared as fair as porcelain, and just as smooth. It was completely flawless. His eyes were black pearls, reflecting every star that sparkled in the sky high above their heads. The only thing darker than his eyes was his hair, which fell equal to his jaw bone. 3
"I-I just moved here," she explained quickly, trying to collect herself. "I'm trying to find Marrigold Street. Would you happen to know where it is?"4
"I've walked these streets for so many years, I know every stone," he sighed, shaking his head ever so slightly. "Follow me." He turned and began to walk down the main highway. His feet made not even the smallest sound as they hit the pavement.5
"I'm glad to found me," she said, trying to match his fast stride as he moved gracefully across the empty highway. "In this small town, I was worried no one would be up this late." The pale moon, God's thin smile, was already on its descent from the top of the sky.6
"I'm out every night, and only at night" his voice was emotionless and quiet. "I'm allergic to sunlight."7
"Allergic to sunlight!" He had to be the strangest man she had ever met. "What are you, a Vampire?" she laughed. He didn't respond. "No, you're too nice to be a Vampire." The corners of his lips curved upward into a small smile.8
"There's Marigold," the man said, pointing to an illuminated street. "Not all of my kind are cruel."9
"What?"10
The only answer was the twinkle of stars over the deserted street. A cold breeze whispered to her, but she didn't hear what it said. She walked home alone.11
Author notes
I had to wright this for school, but I kinda like it. I hate all kinds of stereotypes. If there are both good and bad humans, why not vampires?
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Wow. Thanks for entering this into my contest. I truely enjoyed reading this. I hope you make a second part to this. I'd love to read it even though you already entered my contest. Good luck!
-Michelle
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Short but sweet. Hope you got a good grade in school. Thanks for entering and good luck!
Cassie
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Wow. I am not much into these kinds of writes, but this is really a nice one, has a warm feeling when being read. Keep up the good writing. -Annie-
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Very good start. You could take the story on in so many different directions, well done.
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A nice piece of short fiction. Where you could go from here, I don't really know, since you basically deliver a punch-line so early in your tale. Reminds me, in some ways, of the Goosebumps books I used to be obsessed with.
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It's a good story, easy to follow and it caught my interest. There's one line though, maybe it's supposed to be "I'm glad you found me" (you instead of to)
Otherwise; good job
Isi -
Very good start to a promising story. I loved the way this vampyre was described from his lang hair all the way down to his angelic like face. Bravo, best of luck.
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This is very interesting. A little thing that makes me wonder what that guy is really up to. Good luck with the rest of the story.
~Angel~ -
LOL!
What a gem - short but brilliant! -
Great work, not only did it have a message but I loved the writing style as far as the description goes. The last paragraph was simply perfect, so thoughtful and so original I love it. The only thing is the early part of it could be a little bit tigheter. GREAT JOB
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Just one question, how is my diolauge unnatural? That's how I talk. My friends make fun of me all the time for it, but that's natural for me. And to answere your question, in the book I want to write, she does meet the Vampire again, though she won't learn his name until the end of the book, the last sentance in fact. Throught the course of the book she falls in love with him, and at the end she realizes that he is her dead boyfriend. I can't write romance, so this will probably end up being nothing more than an uncompleted beginning.
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This is a good story. Does she meet the vampire again? I guess I will have to tune into the next chapter to see.
Your use of diolague to drive the story is admirable, but just a word of advise. Make it a litte more natural. Say it out loud if you need to. -
luved the male character-well described, mysterious nice job
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wowwwww...i think you need to change your name from no talent to LOTSOFTALENT...becaus that story kicked butt....really it was excellent.....great write...just fix the spelling mistakes and you got an even better story...there was also one quote in there that i think you didnt write correctly because it didnt make any sense but maybe that was just me...anyhow great job...
good luck in the contest
*punky -
you should win this hey do you think you'd be able to enter my contest? give it a shot jake entered!
i love you and i love this story
keep up the good work
and good luck in this contest you entered!
i love you alot
LOVE ALWAYS
KATIE!!
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this is really interesting...are you gonna post the next chapter for it?? i hope so cause i wanna read it, vampires are hella awesome! ok, well, byez
~confusedevryday -
AHHHHHHHHHH
reminds me of a present visitor among me! i love it YAY holy crap AHHHHHHH...tears are coming cant let them fall no no no look like a retard ADUH NEEERRRR!! angie angie angie this is awesome yaayyyayayyayayyay man my brain is going faster than my fingers if i could type faster lalallalalalalalala errr ekkk UMMM i give up its amazing i love it almost as much as i love you keep up this GREEEEAAT work o by the way no one calls you stupid behind your back!!
ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME
love, KATIE!!!! -
I can just imagine it...gah, this is great! So elegantly told. You could go on or just leave it at this. There are still questions left to be answered, so I'd definitely want to read more. Geez, I'm all intimidated now. Best of luck!!
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You were oh so close. Care to try again? Anyways, I've never met a vampire, but I bet that most of them are cute. I'm rather attracted to mysterious guys... I really wish that the guy you described was real*blushes*. Great work. Best of luck to you and thanks for entering my contest.
Wolf Goddess
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i want more!!!!!! hehe very very cute. vampires are such mysterious, interesting creatures! haha great job of creating a picture for the reader with your discriptions!! love it!
~kat ...meow... -
Great job on the descriptions. Though we have no description of the female character the vampire is definatly descriptive enough to be seen in the minds eye. I loved this, are you going to continue?
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That's my girl!!! DAMN RIGHT NICE WRITE!!!! you gonna be rich and I'm a steal your lawn gnomes and sell 'em on ebay
Edited on Apr 07, 4:36 p.m. because 'cuz I dun fuckied it up'. -
A vampyr with a heart and more importantly a soul. Good write it was cleverly done.
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lol great story loved it.
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