Greasy Fries & A Guy Named: Alice

It was a dark & muggy night, late one August eve. It had been a good day to be a bicycle. I was staying at Alice's place while on vacation in Massachusetts. (This of course was after the answering machine incident.) We had plans to go to Feather's summer home sunken deep in the woods of Maine.

Alice & I left early, saying that we'd meet her and our other friends up there, because we wanted to grab some dinner on the way. Alice said that he knew how to get there, but he had only been there once before. I thought to myself: (I know we'll never find the place, but I'll not say anything because, well...I don't know why, but I just won't.) An hour into the drive, we swing by a Burger King for a greasy bite.

A half hour later, (somewhere in Maine) it is "pitch black". I couldn't see my hand in front of my face even with the interior lights on! We're also lost. I mean "LOST" So very, very lost! No clue where we are. Alice is driving, AC blasting, conversation ensuing...

Alice: "Uh oh Jay."

Jay: "What's uh oh?"

Alice: "It's coming Jay. (He laughs, but looks concerned.) I can't stop it!"

Jay: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Alice: "Jay...(He laughs, his voice winding tightly up the scale.) I need help! It's coming...It's coming."

Jay: "Dude, what's the problem?"

Alice: (Laughing, and shouting.) "Arrrghhhh...It's coming out...I can't stop it!"

Jay: (I finally realize what's happening.) "Oh shit!"

Alice: "Jay, what am I gonna do???"

Jay: (opening the window) "Pull over! Pull over!

Alice: "Where?"

Jay: "Here! Just pull over!"

Then the smell hit me...Alice was having diarrhea in the car as we were driving 60mph somewhere in Maine! It was terrible! Like living in a dog's ass, but not as soft. He pulled over, left the engine running, I exited the car before we were even stopped; I needed some oxygen. (And I was thinking I could go for dessert, but that was 10 minutes ago.)

Alice was laughing and yelling at me at the same time to help him, but what could I do?

Alice: "Jay! Help me! It's still coming out, it won't stop!"

Jay: "What do you want ME to do???"

Alice: "Get me something to use!"

Keep in mind that I still can't see my hand in front of my face. It's darker thn the depths of a tarpit out here! There really was nothing I could do. I raked my hand across some plant or shrub & handed him a bunch of leaves, but they were too small. He kept yelling at me & he stank. (Sorry Alice, but my G-D the smell.) So, I wondered off into the unknown, hands out in front of me feeling my way around. Then I tripped and fell.

Jay: "Damnit!"

I felt this thin rope and grabbing it I pulled myself up. Something whipped me in the face, and I'm like "What the fuck?" I thought I was being attacked by bats, or skajaquadas or something. Reaching my hands up, I felt this large sheet, "Hey, I can use this." I thought. I tore it off and stumbled my way back to the car. The back of the car was to me, so I still had no light to see, I walked up, (Held my breath.) and handed him what I found. He yelled...

Alice: "I can't use this!"

Jay: "Why not?"

Alice brings the sheet out in front of the headlights, it was an American flag. He was upset and uncomfortable, but I had to laugh. I go back to handing him leaves, a car speeds by...We look up at each other.

Alice: "Shit, you think they saw us?"

Jay: "I think that was a cop..."

I ran up to the road and saw the car turning around. Then ran back towards Alice.

Jay: "Dude, we got to hurry, he's turnin' around."

Alice: "Shit! Jay it's all down my leg."

Picture this if you will...Alice bent over, pants around his ankles, rubbing poo off the inside of his legs, me, behind him handing him leaves...Alice yelling..."Hurry up, hurry up!!!" Car headlights...I look up...It's a state trooper. Oh...my...G-D...what he must have been thinking.

Alice get's his pants up just as the state trooper puts the spotlight on us....

Cop: "What's going on here?"

I just lean back against Alices car. This is bad...very very bad. Alice waddles over to the cop, like a penguin. You can clearly see two brown streams of poo stains ALL the way down each pant leg, you can imagine the smell. I started laughing, which made Alice laugh...The cop......was not laughing.

Inevitably, he started asking us questions, but I'm assuming the smell was sooo bad that he decided not to search the car. He let us go, but waited for us at the end of the street.

We got back in the car, I had to lean out the window...and we looked for Feather's place. We found her neighborhood, but we were still very lost. We saw these punks in a crappy van that most resembled the one from Scooby Doo, and followed them into their driveway. Alice was yelling out the window to them, to ask for directions, but they cussed at him and talked shit to him. NO ONE TALKS TO ALICE THAT WAY!!! That's when I sat on the door out the window and started talking shit back.

They chased us....

Jay: "Um Alice..it's a good time to go."

Alice, for some reason freaked out and hit the gas...but we were in reverse and slammed into a boulder, we looked at each other, cussed and laughed, then took off.

Now...a few minutes later...we're on this road...or something. At some point Alice made a turn down what he thought was a paved road, when in actuality...I don't think there was a paved road within 3 miles of us! Thick brush on both sides of the car, sticks, twigs, branches are coming in the windows, it was as if we were being attacked by the woods.

Alice: "Jay, go out and check my car."

Jay: "Alice I don't even think there's a road here, we're in the middle of the woods."

His nerves were shot, not to mention his colon, afterall this was a new car...Alice was insistant so I climbed out the window because I couldn't open the door. Flashlight in hand I look. The right rear quarter of the car was totally smashed in. I get back inside the car.

Alice: "How does it look?"

Jay: "It's fine, hardly a scratch."

That eased him up a little bit. I suggested he back up and take anotherroute seeing as we were driving on a hiking path.

About 15 minutes later, we finally arrived at Feathers. Feather, and all the guys and gals were waiting for us outside. Then there was the loudest scream (like Cameron's from Ferris Buellers day off.) echoing through the forest. Alice saw the damage to his car. He wasn't pissed at me for lying, he knew I did the right thing. (in the heat of the moment) I told Feather to assist Alice, and she did, meanwhile I had a drink and explained why we were late to all of our friends. Alice hopped in the shower with out saying a word to anyone.

I got done telling the story, and Alice came outside in a towel with his clothes in baggies. We applauded him & grinned. We all wanted to laugh so hard, teary-eyed from trying to hold it in, but we felt bad for him. Not much later we all just had a good laugh.

The windows remained open all night, and come morning it was like riding in a giant metal diaper. For years...the car never smelled the same.