Emma brushed her long black hair behind her ear as she unfolded the program for her boyfriend's orchestra performance. She was seated by his younger brother Jake who had short blonde hair and brown eyes. He had just turned fifteen. Emma, who was sixteen, glanced over at him with her vibrant blue eyes.
"How long 'til it starts?" she asked.
"A while yet," Jake replied. "Here, follow me."
Jake got up from his seat and began to lead Emma to the door way. She assumed he was taking her backstage to see Elliot, her eighteen year old boyfriend, but she soon found herself in the dark parking lot.
"Where are we going?" She asked, her black boots clomping behind Jake's sneakers.
"Just come on," he replied, sitting into the driver's seat of Elliot's run down mercedes.
Emma walked around the car cautiously and then slowly climbed into the passengers seat.
"What's all this about?" She asked, raising her eyebrow as she clicked her seat belt.
Jake started the engine and began to pull out of the parking space.
"Did you get your permit yet?" Emma asked, somewhat surprised.
Jake didn't answer.
"Jake! Stop the car. You can't do this, even if you do!"
He pressed the accelorator to the floor.
"Jake!" Emma cried. "Jake! STOP!"
Jake suddenly slowed to a halt, blinking his eyes and shaking his head. They had stoppped in the middle of a roadway that paved a small hill.
"What the hell were you doing?!" Emma shouted, throwing off her seatbelt and stepping out of the car.
Jake shook his head again and took his hands of off the steering wheel.
"What?" He blinked once more and then looked around.
There were several cars parked crookedly along the roadside and others crept up the hill around them. All of the drivers looked glazed over. People were flocking from all directions and walking over the hill, but to what?
Jake stepped out beneath a streetlight and turned to Emma who faced him from across the hood. She had a troubled look on her face.
"What's going on?" She asked.
Jake replied solemnly, "I don't know."
Author notes
The title is questionable. I may retitle it as the story progresses. As for chapters, that may change also. So for now I will only call these "parts."
Are you hooked?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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oh, creepy.
i'm definitely looking forward to more of this. it has a great catchy start to it. i think that the only thing that i would have liked more would be to know the characters a little bit better. i like to know them before too much happens, but, since this is only the very beginning, it didn't bother me all that much.
great opening!
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I am definitely hooked by the action and mystery of this beginning. I do wish that I could see what's going on more clearly with more descriptions and setting. As of now, my imagination is blurry and bare when reading this. Still, I bet this is going to be a great story - with a beginning like this how could it not?
Very glad I had a chance to read this.
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Andrew
This was great! You should really write more to this. Great job! -
this one was a bit fast and then came to a complete halt - I was so caught up my heart started pounding. So its very, very good. Keep going.
A.
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It's well written, but does leave the reader wanting more.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent
I am indefinately hooked. You should seriously consider contacting me after you get this developed further. -
This was effective as a first (part). Is the title for the whole story or only for the...well, part? As a story title it'll probably work when it's altogether and makes more sense. For now, it's obscure but fine.
I like the fact that it's short, but has a lot of things going on already. However, I think there was too much description of the characters' physical appearance in the beginning. Maybe sprinkle it in here and there?
It works great as a first part, makes me want to read the rest. Keep it coming.
Nienna Colle
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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okay
You probably should fully describe Emma first this is to short for me to judge ir approppriately but so far it seems interesting i want to keep reading which is of course good. Keep writing
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Bad when ya see two of one person.
Bad omen when you see a person's body double. The dude is sitting in the car with her and she looks and sees him standing in the front of the car by the hood. This is one of them voodoo hoodoo stories about witchcraft and magic.
It is about Heaven and hell. And soon I am sure we will not know the difference between the two. I am gonna take off work and hide under my bed and wait and see the next few chapters as they are posted.
I am tempted to get plastic surgery and change my username and move down to Mexico until this story is completed. I will put a sprig of rosemary under my pillow tonight and sprinkle salt at my front door and pepper at my back door just like my great-grandmother taught me. To ward off the middle ground demons and angels of Heaven and hell who get ya for messing where ya shouldn't be messing and playing where ya shouldn't be playing. Smile.
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Okay so far.
I'm not gonna blast you for typos, and I like the flow of the story. I think it could do with just a bit more fleshing out, but I gotta admit I want to see what's over the hill.
More, please!
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A very good and you used a nice topic
I wanted to ask you something
Why did you put Jake as the bro's name
is it just from the mind or so
anyways Jake is my friend,lol
thats why I gave you 4/5 for characters hahaha!!
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 4.
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I don't really know if the title matches with the story. But you said that you would change it so I believe that there will be another title that is better suited. I was a bit confused by the plot because it seemed to be coming from the middle of a story..not the beginning. Was there a chapter I missed? Anyways, there were some spelling issues such as 'stoppped' but those were only minor ones. I like how you cut off at the end. It made me wonder what would happen next. What will happen next? Anyways, this does have some good points and some bad points..just a little more editing would do this. Good job!
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