Story Four: Grandfather Twiggy

Once upon a time, there was a fat, ugly little girl named Ulga. As you should know, Ulga was killed by Twiggys’ bench. Seven months, twelve hours, 23 minutes, and 58 seconds later…

There was a queen in Narabakahobia who liked to torture people, so she sent one of her man-slaves to find someone in the desert. Her slave found this little - or should I say huge - girl sleeping face up, in the desert.

“What an ugly little chubby girl,” the slave said, “I should stab her in the gut because she is so ugly!” The man-slave took the longest, sharpest stick he could find, and stabbed it into her gut as hard as he could. Ulga woke up; screaming horribly in what the slave thought was the happiest shriek he had ever heard.

“What the heck did you do that for?!” Ulga screamed as the blood gushed out. “Oh, and do you have any cheese to drink? I’m starving!”

“Jaska want you,” the slave said as he grabbed her and tried to pull her on her feet. He failed and fell over. While he was getting up, he noticed a frightful scent.

“Oop, sorry, I farted,” she giggled.

“Oh, my God! That stench is the worst I have ever smelled! You are perfect to help Jaska’s problem!” the slave explained. “You see, Jaska has been evil ever since we can’t find somebody for her to kill! She likes people who have no purpose in the world and are very gross. You fit the profile perfectly. Come with me ugly bastard child.” The slave poked her in the back with the sharp stick and she bounced right up. Her fat jiggled everywhere. The slave cringed, “Eww.”

The slave rushed back towards the palace with Ulga staggering behind him. When they reached the palace, the slave pushed Ulga into a cell deep below the queen’s chambers.

“I’ll go tell Jaska that we have someone to kill,” he smiled happily. “I’m going to be rewarded for this; yes, I am.”

He was gone for awhile. Before Ulga starved, another slave brought her a huge plate of spaghetti. “What is this?” Ulga asked when handed the plate. “I asked for cheese! I will not eat this nasty food.”

The slave shrugged and walked away with the food in her hands.

Within an hour, the man-slave returned with a metal stick. “Come,” he said. Ulga followed him up the spiral stairs in the corner. The walls were adorned with beautiful flower filled sconces. As Ulga trudged by, the flowers wilted from the smell of body odors and nacho cheese sweat. Ulga giggled.

The stairs took her up to a long hallway with a big wooden grandfather clock at the end. It was Twiggy. Ulga should have been scared, but she didn’t know that it was him. The slave brought her to Twiggy. “Kneel. And bow before the wonderful Twiggy,” he stated. Ulga refused. The slave poked her with the stick, and Ulga fell. He smiled.

Twiggy recognized that ugly little girl in an instant. His second hand whizzed quickly around the numbers. In clock language, that means, “Attack! Attack her!”

The slave followed all of Twiggys’ orders, so he stabbed Ulga. He stabbed her right in the lower back with the metal stick. She looked up at him, and he smirked at his wonderful deed. Ulga looked back at Twiggy, and he bounced right on her face.

Twiggy ended that horrid life with a satisfying crunch. “It’s horrible that Ulga never got to meet Jaska,” Twiggy thought as he looked at her mangled body lying on the floor. “She would have tortured her real nice.”

When the guards took her rotting body away, Twiggy was rewarded for his accomplishment. He got to spend some time with his friends back in the park. The cirangle lived on forever.