European Culture Woe (Part 1)
The school Easter Holidays 1984.
Two weeks off of school, improving weather, lightening evenings and at last the chance to play sport outside in the evenings.
Although during these particular school holidays sport would for once be the last thing on our minds. The reason being and to the absolute joy of our parents, around fifty pupils from all years of our school were to go on a trip to Holland taking in various towns and cities along our route through France and Germany due to our base being in the small Dutch town of Valkenberg close to the German border.
The week prior to departure all pupils and their parents were invited to a talk by the deputy rector of the school as to enlighten our parents with the types of activities and places of interest we would be visiting also highlighting the standards of behaviour we would be expected to uphold as we were after all in his own words.
“Ambassadors for the town, the school and the country!”
Oh yes and what ambassadors we would be if showing these sophisticated foreign types how to misbehave for Scotland at European Championship level was the common goal for the school management team, however we will come to all of that.
It all started off innocently enough, everyone’s parents had brought them along to the school at around 7.30pm bringing with them packed in to a mountain of luggage all the comforts from home for their “Mummies special soldiers” to take with them on there ten day trip to the land of legalised funny cigarette smoking and prostitution.
Mr. Tandie the school janitor was obviously overjoyed at having to unlock the school, which he had only locked up the day prior for the holidays.
We never ever heard Mr. Tandie swear at anyone, however we would have had he been able to remove the cigarette which he had permanently wedged in the middle of his mouth with the ash looking as if it were ready to fall off at any moment, the smoke rising up in to his eyes making him squint and shake his even then miles out of date teddy boy quif from side to side to enable him to see where he was going.
Chain-smoking teds aside the luggage was all loaded on to the coach, goodbyes were exchanged and promises as to our behaviour while away given to clearly by now concerned mothers.
The coach turned out of the school car park, meandered its way through the town and then out on to the dual carriageway.
“Right boys and girls that’s us on our way. As you all are aware we will be on the coach for around twenty hours in total stopping in London, then Dover for the ferry to Calais following onward to Valkenberg. I expect you all to maintain the same high standards of behaviour as if you were at home. Nonsense and bad behaviour will not be tolerated by myself or any other member of staff on this trip!” said Mr. Crampbell the schools deputy rector and the most senior member of the teaching staff on the trip. He was also a dab hand at dishing out a stern talking to with a doze of the lash or belt, as he preferred to call it.
We all hoped he had not packed the dreaded belt, which in temper he also referred to as Mr. Sting in his suitcase.
As the coach’s interior lights were dimmed and curtains drawn the sound of badly timed coughing to cover the sound of lager cans being opened.
“Hoy” said the Swoopster handing me a can with a picture of the lovely bikini wearing Stephanie smiling back at me. I necked the cans contents and another before falling asleep with my head against the coach window in a stupor.
“Blaaaaaaaar!” was the sound that awoke me followed by the kind of high pitched screaming that only a large collection of overtired teenage girls can achieve.
“Blaaaaaaaar!” went Square Head Colin once again projectile vomiting a mixture of tomato crisps, lager and diced carrots over the first two rows directly ahead of him.
Mr. Crampbell went bananas, the coach was pulled in to the next lay by and all of this less than two hours from home.
The mess was cleaned up, Square Head Colin given water and plenty of fresh air at the roadside. Air freshener applied, the lager confiscated to prevent a curtain call performance and these words of dread from Mr. Crampbell.
“ I shall be including this incident in my report to the rector and your parents upon our return.”
“Now get to sleep, I do not want to hear another thing from you lot until London!”
“Get to sleep!” he bellowed his eyes shifting madly from side to side and the veins seemed to pulsate at his temples.
“Good morning boy’s and girl’s. Welcome to London. In half an hour or so we will be in Trafalgar Square and if you can all stay awake I’ll point out the landmarks for you” said the very pretty but as far as the consensus of opinion went, untouched by the hand of man Ms. Young our H.E. teacher.
Landmarks of London, we didn’t need to see any landmarks as by now it was 6.30am on a Saturday morning and there were plenty on interesting sights to see although none of which were pointed out by Ms. Young.
There were two chaps with suits on still suffering the effects from the night before drinks actively attempting to kick seven shades of shit out of one another right in the middle of the road halting all traffic. Tramps on the steps of some very impressive looking public buildings drinking bottles of what appeared to be paint thinners while shouting at traffic, bearing there backsides and flicking V signs. Finally the ultimate, in Trafalgar Square itself dancing in the famous fountains a topless amply proportioned young lady. Two policemen attempting to coax her out from the safety of the fountain side.
A cheer went up followed by the stomping of many over excited young male adolescent feet.
Like Godzilla from the deep Mr. Crampbell arose from his seat at the front of the coach, face as red as a beetroot his eyes wide as saucers and the end of his tether clear reached.
A large amount of manure was about to hit a large quickly revolving fan.
Author notes
This is all true only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
A contest entry
- ALMOST ANYTHING GOES by AlohaDolphinLover.
175 points, ended January 19, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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WOW
Totally aesome!!! I think it's so cool that most of your stories are pretty much true!! I wish exciting stuff like this happened to me!! lolbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good story, and great incident of boy throwing-up for a point of humor.
In my opinion if you are going for mildly amusing you achieved it and that is fine.
If you were going for knee slapping laughter you would have to futher craft it and really emblish some of the incidents.
"with them on there ten day trip to the land of legalised funny cigarette smoking and prostitution.
Here I think you meant 'their' vice 'there'?
"Mr. Tandie the school janitor was obviously overjoyed at having to unlock the school, which he had only locked up the day prior for the holidays."
When you say he was obviously overjoyed, it makes me the read wonder why would he be overjoyed? (does not make sense)
If you'd said, Mr. Tandie the school janitor was less than overjoyed ...
The next paragraph you did a very good job expanding on that and it was funny. If you confuse the reader just before that, they could not be focusing on the funny part.
I looked over the way you set up your paragraphs with dialoge and I haven't read enough works of yours yet to see a pattern but in this story, you already had a previous paragraph structured like below:
“Good morning boy’s and girl’s. Welcome to London. In half an hour or so we will be in Trafalgar Square and if you can all stay awake I’ll point out the landmarks for you” said the very pretty but as far as the consensus of opinion went, untouched by the hand of man Ms. Young our music teacher."
So, just to make your writing more varied and more interesting for the reader try rearranging your paragraphs:
"Good morning boy's and girl's. Welcome to London. In half an hour or so we will be in Trafalgar Square and if you can all stay awake I'll point out the landmarks for you," said Ms. Young, our pretty music teacher, untouched by the hand of man according to consensus.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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very funny, though you need some work on comma use. and some spelling wouldn't hurt, either.
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Sick...nasty...that guys spewed? NASTY! EEEW! Well yeah I thought it was good. Thanks for telling me about it.
♥Chuu Chuu♥
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good beginning. I like how you started it out. It introduces me to the story very well. In the middle, you have very good detail. I can picture a lot of things in my mind.The end makes me want to read more. overall, good story
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I have to agree with what the others have said. Another proof-read would be recommended. But you have a very interesting idea to this story and it has a lot of comical parts to it. It was enjoyable to read but the mistakes in between sort of took away from it. Overall, I think this has potential and I hope you keep it up!
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Let me first say just how enjoyable your humor is! You play it light and relaxed and it shows.
A few minor items, not including comas because I suck at that part.
I'm not sure what this means: of date teddy boy quif from side to side to enable him to see where he was going.
you use behaviour four times in a short amount of time. Maybe change to of those to something more descriptive?
Good morning boy’s and girl’s. [boys and girls]
tether clear reached [clearly]
And I can't wait to see what comes next!!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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The plot is interesting. But the grammar makes it hard to read. The sentences are just really long at times making it almost an awkward read at times. A good way to go back and figure out if a sentence is to just try to read it through outloud. If you find yourself barely able to finish a sentence because you need to stop for air it means that the sentence is too long. But again the plot is interesting just the structure of it makes it a hard read.
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This was good, and really funny. Yours has to be the only humour I read on this site! The only thing I'd suggest would be reading it through and adding a few commas when appropriate to break up the sentences. Apart from that, it was good, and keep writing!
&&.hearts;_x
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Very funny
This was really good, and very funny. I loved all the description, and I'm curious to find out what happens next!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Smashing!
Sounds so old-world. Like Greenbottle- the old radio series! Cute- though some spelling mistakes. It can't be too recent surely with "Mr Sting" still a character! Babs Dee
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I love your stories so much! Every time I read one I get a "funny feeling", you know where! I wouldn't charge you like my other "friends".
xxx
Mary
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Amused in the A.M.
It's 7:45 in the morning and I'm smiling... Noble effort, love the Scottish humor, especially from a schoolboy's perspective. I was in the fourth/fifth grade in 1984 (about 10 yrs. old) so I was looking up to the kids in this age group back then... If I only knew that they were thinking about snogging and imbibing, perhaps I would've refrained from my hero-worship.
Hope to see this build into a substantially larger piece. The characterization of the narrator is building nicely, though I hope we eventually get to see him in greater detail.
As with Finnegan's, there are some grammatical problems that keep the reader from being able to read in a smooth flow, but the ideas and dialect, again, are quite good. You definitely have a distinct voice.
My best,
Gypsy Guru -
Ha, again you have made me laugh, this was good. I can't wait to read another one of your very humorous and interesting stories.
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Shit's gonna clog the air conditioner.
I am gonna use this story as ya write it as my this Winter's vacation. I will just get in that bus with you all and just tour the places you go and enjoy all the stops along the way. I will try to get my mand hands on Ms. Young. But still can't get my mind off Mr. Crampbell and that hot little Mr. Sting he may have hiding somewhere on his person. Wink.
Reminds me of my Senior Class Trip to Washington, D.C. We all wanted to talk about sex and had to code it. Word was passed that we would refer to the subject as coffee or making coffee.
One girl asked a boy on the bus: Hey, do you like peroculated or instant? This got a laugh. But the best laugh came when my friend Janie asked a boy whose name I can not recall exactly: "Is your pot clean?"
Oh my god Rebel Rebel says to the driver of the bus: Is that an Indian Rope stretched right across the road just ahead of us? Smile. Gottcha.
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oops applause
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I can imagine something like that happening... So London has some pretty memorable landmarks hey! lol you've cracked me up again.
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I almost swallowed my gum.
When that young lady jumped up topless out of that fountain in London. I took one look and Marilyn Monroe's life flashed before my eyes. I sure hope Mr. Crampbell gets Mr. Sting ahold of someone soon. Good to see ya on the bus with us. It gonna be a fun ride. This is as close as I will ever get to touring Europe and I am gonna enjoy it.
Talk about manure hitting the large fastly revolving fan...when we took our Senior Trip back in 1973 the garbage workers were on strike and garbage was piled on the streets of Washington. Plus on the bus the sanitation workers striking were not allowed to empty our bathroom bucket either so it got to smelling really good in there but the worse was the trip back with all that manure in the canister stored right under us somewhere.
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