Half Jack:Chapter 1

Adrienne held her smoke-dense breath, letting the nicotine drift into her veins. Infecting my lungs with chemicals, what a way to live eh? She thought to herself, letting a sigh exude from her lips, its liquid syllable ringing thick with anxiety.

The room fell into undefined blackness, a slow piano trickling from every corner. ‘So you don’t wanna hear about my good day?’ The female vocalist spun the song, innocence and sarcasm drenching her tones. ‘You’ve got better things to do than to hear me say’ Her voice rose, the atmosphere weeping with pain. ‘God it’s been a lovely day, everything’s been going my way. I took out the trash today and I’M ON FIRE!’ Adrienne drew the cigarette to her lips, clutching the filter with crimson-coated palettes. That dress, the one he used to love, hung from her now-tiny frame. Black velvet, lace adorning each arm. It swept the floorboards with midnight waves, kissing every fibre with elegance. A shot glass lay between Adrienne’s fingers, barely touching her tongue as it slipped into her system.

‘I’ve picked up the pieces of my broken ego, I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go.’ Adrienne hummed along softly, a rush of vibrations passing through the air. She was stood on the balcony stooping over the metal bars. The band played from the stage, its layout showing the pianists face clearly; she was black-haired with strands pinned to her chiselled face. Her eyebrows were henna tattoos, opening up her autumn eyes.

‘Can I have a light?’ Adrienne asked the guy stood next to her, a menthol gripped in her mouth. He produced a lighter, and with one small swoop the cigarette met the small flame. Adrienne gracefully absorbed the nicotine, painted with the blue undertone of release.

‘Hey, I’m Julian. Enjoying the show?’ Decked out in inanimate, unrecognisable clothing, insecurity seeped through his confident approach.

‘Yeah, Amanda is a goddess. You like the Dresden Dolls?’ It’s just small talk, it’s the least I can do him trying so hard and putting aside his obvious self-loathing for a few seconds.

‘They’re awesome. Amanda’s amazing, she’s the most eccentric person, I admire the music she and Brian make.’

He’s obviously done his homework. Guys like him don’t come for the music, not really…they come because of the women and the changes of getting laid if they reel off a list of song names to obsessive girl-fans.

‘I love Girl Anachronism, it’s such a manic and boundless…I hope they play it later.’ She leaned back, her spine resting on the bar as smoke eluded from her figure. She oozed confidence, subliminal sex flooding from her fingertips into the sex drives of every male with whom she crossed paths.

‘Erm, yeah, it’s a great song. Her vocals just move me, it’s truly mind-blowing.’ Busted, honey.

‘You’re a fan, huh? Well, you might be disappointed since Girl Anachronism was the opening song, so you missed it.’ Adrienne spun around, facing a vast crowd beneath her. In one last breath, she spoke to Julian;

‘Great meeting you though. Enjoy the show, I know how much you love the Dresden’s.’

She paced away, passing by the bar and grabbing another double vodka before rushing down a flight of stairs. Adrienne produced a small I.D key, displaying it to the guard before turning it in the lock. The door opened heavily, and she pushed through the opening, leading into a whitewashed corridor. The metallic core of Adrienne’s boots pounded the floor, the hem of her dress trailing behind like a brides entourage.

‘Alexis, do you know where Amanda went? Did the set finish yet?’ She played with a small charm bracelet draped over her wrist.

‘She’s out; I think she’s getting changed in room 267. What did you think of the performance?’ Alexis was a member of Amanda’s exclusive on-tour crew, and a close friend.

‘Best I’ve seen so far, the stage was fabulous! Nice job on the backdrop by the way, it looked amazing from the balcony.’ She smiled gleefully, hugging Alexis as her arms wrapped around Adrienne in the same old fashion.

She began the trek down to room 267, one of the first floor guest rooms with a view over Central Avenue. Adrienne searched frantically in her bag for the key card, wrapping her fingers around the plaster edge as it dislodged from her bag. The door before her was black-stained wood, simply labelled ‘Miss A’, and the green light flashed as she entered.

‘Amanda? You in here?’ The room was large, decorated in a vintage style, barely furnished. It was filled by only a desk, a small doorway and a grand piano in the centre of the emptiness. Streams of condensation dispersed from the room and a muffled voice called.

‘I’m in the shower, when did you get here?’ The water drowned out each word, melting into the gutter-bound waste.

‘I was here for the whole show. You were great, by the way, I don’t think ‘Bad Habit’ has ever sounded so amazing….’ She appeared out in the room, a towel fastened to her chest, draping down to her knees.

‘Thank you, Miss Adrienne, but you know you don’t have to waste your time coming to every show. I mean, if you wanna go out with Alice and Leanne…’ I slid my hands around the base of her spine, bringing her lips to mine in a warm, soft kiss.

‘Did you catch my little cabaret dance? I got Leila to fill in on piano so I could interact with the crowd for a while. I miss not having the protection of the piano, of being bare and exposed; it feels like white hot light.’ I felt her fingers detach from mine, stroking the piano keys with child-like craving.

There’s no other way…’Play for me’ Music was Amanda’s one true love, her first real passion, which made hearing her play even more euphoric. The piano was perfect; jet black woodwork, glistening under the soft haze of light. The keys were worn, but the flaws only enhanced its beauty.

The melody started slowly; a few notes trickled from the huge instrument, glimmering on the air before exploding into silence. A few more keys were audible as Amanda’s fingers caressed the puzzle of the keys. Adrienne was lost in the sounds as they filled the room. Every dark corner was illuminated by the soft hum of the music.

Adrienne slipped her hands onto Amanda’s shoulders, carefully tracing a line down to her chest. The towel resting on her breasts fell away. A slow, heavy kiss bound them together. The taste of ecstasy, of oceans disintegrating. She’s going away soon. She’ll tour, travel, forget me for the luscious sight of another girl. But the thoughts, the anxiety, they were irrelevant; all that mattered was the heat in their kiss, the friction passing between the velvet and the skin.

Still, Amanda touched the piano keys, the once-soft melody now building, rising. ‘I know this song…’ The rift to ‘The Jeep Song’ hung vibrantly in the room. She sang, weeping, silently as the lyrics hit her soul. With gentle kisses, I soothed her. Running from her collarbone to her earlobes, I pressed my lips to her skin. Black lipstick formed matt stains on her chest. She sat up, turning to me with her familiar cover-up smile. My hands met hers, pulling her to her feet. Her body feels like silk in my fingers; free, unbound, pure. She kissed Adrienne, the taste of her tongue writhing, under, over through. Adrienne held her face in her hands, letting her fingers stroke and crawl over Amanda’s skin. Adrienne’s fingers broke the trail of tears running down her partner’s face. The smile she wore on stage, all the white powder and glittering eye shadow, it fell away as the salt stains set in.

‘I still love him, Adrienne…and it’s killing me.’ She let her hands fall to her side before raking them through her hair.

‘I want him. Being on stage, flirting with him in the eyes of thousands who lap up the intrigue…they don’t realize that the tension. More real than the lyrics.’ Amanda paused, slamming her fists onto the piano keys as they screeched in horror. ‘More real than the notes and the drumbeats!’

She kept on kissing Adrienne, ferocious, eager, hungry to fill the void. She’s thinking of him…Adrienne knew, the words dripping from every pore. Amanda pressed their bodies closer, harder, forcing their two souls into one skin.

Adrienne pulled away. ‘Amanda! What the f**k is going on with you?’ She grasped the piano, clipping one single note as her entire weight pressed against it.

‘I’m just tired a little tired, maybe it’s best if you go…’ her voice trailed off as she sat down at the window seat. Amanda clumsily poured a glass of whisky, downing five paracetamol with one long swig of liquid. F**k, what happened to us? We used to be so perfect, so unattainable…now look at us! The curtains draw away, and all that’s left is the residue of too many painkillers that have no effect on the real aching.

Adrienne snatched the white capsules from Amanda’s grasp, throwing them out of the window as she laid back. Fingers pressed to her temples, Amanda scratched out the skin with her jet-black nails. The area around her eye was red raw from salty tears infecting the open sores she created.

‘Amanda, I love you; I won’t leave you like this. Not now, not like this.’ Adrienne was stern, aware that she wouldn’t leave the girl she wanted to destroy herself in the most vulgar and abrasive.

‘Ha! We f**k a few times, you stalk me to my shows and suddenly it’s love? I’m not meant for love, it doesn’t run in my blood.’ Adrienne saw her glance at a photo that lay on the windowsill. It was one of her mother, a raven-haired beauty with bright blue eyes. She looks just like her mom, why did she leave so soon? Why did she let her addictions ruin such an amazing girl, why did she turn her heart into hollow perspex?

‘As humans we’re built to love, to seek someone you can spend your whole life loving. I know she left you, but it shouldn’t stop you from falling in love.’ As Adrienne placed her hands on Amanda’s shoulders, they were instantly shrugged away.

‘Love killed my mother. She fell in love with someone who promised her the world…instead, she got a heroin addiction and a kid she never wanted.’ There were no tears. When it came to her mother, Amanda had no tears left to spare. The liquid pain had run dry, until all that remained was that vacant glaze in her eyes. It was that look, the one that said ‘I’m somewhere you can’t comprehend or follow.’

‘She fell in love with a crack addict; he forced her to leave all her life behind. I’m not making you move or do anything; I’m here to be a part of your life. No bridges burned, no broken glass, no leaving.’ From around her wrist, Adrienne produced a silver bracelet with 7 silver charms draping from its links. Amongst the silver trinkets was a heart-shaped glass pendant with the inscription ’25.03.05’ on its smooth, flawless surface.

‘That’s the date when I was first introduced to you by Brian. Remember, we were stood at the bar and you started playing Half Jack? I couldn’t take my eyes of you…’ Adrienne’s eyes shimmered with the recollection of that night.

It was dark and smoky; the velvet curtains drew away to reveal a goddess lying provocatively on a grand piano. A violent red dress clung to her skin, its corseted back pulled to mould around her perfect frame. Black sequins dripped down her thighs, past her striped socks down to her tap-dancing shoes.

Amanda’s shoulders eased, allowing her body to slump down into the velvet-covered chairs. Adrienne cradled her like a child, securing her head in her hands.

‘You shouldn’t have to put up with all this, all the drama I cause. The bracelet…I don’t deserve it, how the hell could you afford it?’ Adrienne let the question ring out, quickly changing the subject.

‘I think we should celebrate a great performance with a few drinks. Do you fancy it?’ Adrienne was tickling Amanda’s side, her fingers tracing hearts on her stomach. Amanda gazed at the girl before her; long, dark hair. Oceanic, clear eyes and black lips.

‘Why not stay true and celebrate? I mean, they won’t be kicking us out anytime soon and the bar is free…’ she stood up, extracting a half-empty bottle of vodka from the piano stool.

‘Brian doesn’t like me drinking too much, he says it’ll rot my insides away.’

‘So does being so straight-edge that laughter becomes a foreign concept!’ Amanda removed the bottle from her lips, draining the slips of vodka from her lips. Adrienne threw back the clear substance, letting it burn her throat for long enough to forget about it. She sat at the desk near the window, drawing a picture on a slip of old, torn paper. Amanda fingered the page, admiring the image adorning it.

‘Is that me? You’ve got talent!’ Amanda gently kissed her earlobe, allowing her lips to graze the skin on Adrienne’s face. They both arose, dancing to the music that seeped in through the window. Its lyrics were hazy, but it didn’t matter. As acoustic guitar drowned in an ocean of violins the sung their questions to the night sky. As they swayed in one motion, Adrienne wrapped her arms around Amanda’s stomach, their bodies facing in the same direction.

Outside, the city glowed with anxiety, burning every candle until the wicks were drowned in early morning sunlight. Turning away from the view, Amanda led Adrienne towards the piano. She lifted herself onto its sturdy, glossy frame, pulling Amanda closer to her body. She wrapped her legs around Amanda’s waist as they kissed with slow, heavy passion. Her mind, Adrienne envisioned every midnight fantasy, every grey cloud bursting as she prayed for rain. Please, God, let this be real. For once, let this be fate’s perfect twist.

Amanda buried her face in the girl’s chest, kissing her collarbone as her fingers released Adrienne’s bra straps. Dresses, underwear, silk and sneakers littered the floor. Amanda forced Adrienne’s body entwined. Amanda’s frame pressed firmly against Adrienne, resting between her thighs. One finger traced the path up her thigh, over her hipbone to the small mass of pubic hair above her clitoris. Amanda motioned slowly, slipping her hand inside her leg, pausing before quickly inserting two fingers into Adrienne’s eager body.

‘Mmmm….’ was all Adrienne could muster between moans. Amanda’s thrusting came faster, harder, deeper; tongues met, dancing as their bodies exuded heat, passion in the form of sweat and sex.

Five minutes gone, Adrienne whimpered with delight. After 10 minutes, the ecstasy began seeping into her system. After 15 minutes, the orgasm gripped her eager body, squeezing every drop of tension from her. The drum roll in Adrienne’s veins exploded into a chorus of release and screams. With the same swift movement, Amanda removed her fingers, smiling with the same childlike grin at what she’d just achieved.

As lovers do, they lay kissing for an eternity, broken down into second-long segments. It’s just the ticking off an imaginary time bomb in our minds, a grain of sand passing from the expanse into the ocean.

‘You still want me to play for you?’ Amanda was obviously itching to unite her fingertips with the certain, secure piano keys. She never did like indecision or shades of grey. It’s why the piano was so perfect for her.

Adrienne thought for a second, standing firmly on the ground, watching Amanda lying casually on the instrument that consumed the room, that housed one facet of their passion. From the cityscape a song played. Adrienne took Amanda’s hand, guiding her down to the ground.

‘Just dance with me…’ so once again, they joined, fingers entwining as the band played sixpence none the richer. It was the perfect, cliché romance; lovers stood, bodies whole, gazing out onto an over-saturated city as the radio played some soppy love song. I wouldn’t have it any other way…

Amanda picked up a silk slip off the floor, letting it envelope every curve on her body. Adrienne quickly pulled on her underwear and an oversized jumper, following her partner out of the window. Up a flight of metallic stairs, onto a view to die for. The roof allowed the city to be seen from a lost corner of existence. It’ll be daybreak soon enough. The sun was slipping over the cosmopolitan clubs as they took down their illuminated signs. From their lost corner, Adrienne and Amanda watched the day breathing life into the streets. Together…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adrienne awoke just in time to see a beautiful sunset. She was slumped over the desk, reams of paper plastered to her face. All she saw was the one thing that redeemed her; the image of her and Amanda together. Her perfume still clung to the jumper that cradled her body.

Amongst the paper was a small, handwritten not, black ink staining its surface:

‘Adrienne, gone to meet Brian…. wish me luck! See you soon honey, thanks for last night it was wild!’

Adrienne read it, confusion drenching every awkward breath. She turned over the page, hoping to find some reassuring, ‘only joking! I love you more than anyone.’ Instead she saw the carefully constructed picture of her lover’s face.

It’s amazing…I can sit here; bearing witness to a beautiful city, yet I can comprehend is her smile. Maybe she was right, maybe girls like her just aren’t meant for love. The only thing Adrienne had the ability to focus on was that picture; no matter how frayed it became, no matter how many ink lines bled from Amanda’s careless fingers, her eyes would always register it was the pristine black lines on a perfect canvas.

Adrienne saw the picture of Amanda, the walls acting like a silver screen, displaying Amanda’s smile. Her smile sometimes flickered, others were motionless. Each picture differed; passing like a wave through the room before being soothed by the empty walls she once filled.

The moments after blurred into one. There was a shiny silver flash, followed by rivers of loss. Anger drained from her with a capital ‘A’ carved in her flesh. Adrienne slipped a small blade beneath the surface, from the elbow to the source of release. This stops your kisses from blistering on my skin…

Sleep followed. The kind of sleep that drenches everything in a heavy, thick exhaustion. Buzzing city lights became slurred, pulsing in rhythm with the contents of Adrienne’s veins. She’s out there somewhere, probably getting laid in a public bathroom. She sat at the piano, gazing at the music scores like a foreign language. Adrienne could play select sections of music, not much, just a few notes carefully memorized after hours of watching Amanda’s fingers move in awe.

‘It’s just about learning what works, tearing it apart and piecing it back together in a brand new order.’ Amanda would say, oblivious to how difficult the deconstruction seemed. She used to speak so effortlessly about flying to the moon; about solving the worlds anguish one anxious heartbeat at a time.

The piano before Adrienne was stained with their infectious lust. Looking closer at the surface, it seemed the image was burned into the scars of the wood. Brandished. Diseased.

It was an obvious choice; run from it. All she had was that black backpack, nothing in particular, but it was enough. Adrienne grabbed the remains of the vodka bottle, tossing it into her bag as she slowly slipped her figure out the window. Adrienne’s feet met the metal staircase, a double helix of steel running to the ground below.

Every step was a minor heartache. All Adrienne saw was the memories; the bar where their hands first touched, the bus station where they’d missed the last ride home to just lie in each other’s arms for a little while longer.

Slowly, she approached the Centurian Street train station. The foundations of the city shook with constant movement, souls passing through, under, in and out in unison. Adrienne sucked on her cigarette one last time before striding into the booth.

‘Centurian Street, Birmingham to Victoria Station, London.’ She spoke confidently, no undertone of regret, no looking back, no caring about the nameless man who’d be rampaging her whilst Adrienne made her escape. The ticket was clasped in her fingers, one small slip of paper serving as a ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Adrienne rushed past the turnstiles, catching her breath before throwing herself into a cabin. With headphones planted firmly in her ear, eyes set hazily on the empty sights of a worn-out sky; Adrienne lost her essence in the nothingness.

As if to tear open the stitches, pulling on the threads, on the screen came the final call; the 6:30 train to Dresden. As the carriage assembled its awkward body, the one clear message became hazy with distance.

‘Where you heading off to now?’ A figure appeared at the cabin door. He spoke calmly, a smile barely visible on his face. Julian, the guy from the Dresden Dolls concert. She smiled, gazing at her black nail polish in embarrassment.

‘It’s you! I’m going…’ Adrienne thought for a second, the pause preparing her for reality’s bitter kick.

‘I’m going anywhere but here. At the moment I’m thinking of heading to the big city, lap up the London life then see where the bright lights lead me’ Should I be feeling sorrow? I don’t care, not enough to throw myself off these tracks. Because I know I’m not gonna fall into her arms. I’ll hit the ground like every other fool who thought they were good enough to have a little more than the one broken fraction of her heart.

Dismantled, estranged, unknown she passed into a whole new way of living. Cityscapes melted into one, dense with darkness and phosphorous beauty.

<3 The perfect lover’s tryst…<3