In My Father's Shadow-Chapter Ten

Here it is. The first day of school… the only day in the school year that actually matters. Aislin called me yesterday and we talked for about four hours until we were able to work everything out. I didn’t tell her about my diet and she didn’t ask. The both of us were just so tired of not talking. We both missed each other.

I climb off of my bus and wait outside the school for Aislin. Immediately, I recognize the beret that she’s just going to have to take off in ten minutes anyway. She runs over to me grinning wildly and stops dead when she sees me.

“Sweet Jesus, what happened to you?” She blurts out her eyes wide and face draining of color.

I’m confused. “What are you talking about?”

Aislin raises her eyebrows at me, “Gage… you seriously don’t look good.”

“What, have I put on weight or something?”

“Err… no… try the exact opposite. Seriously, you… it’s not good.” She tells me her eyes shifting up and down my body slowly taking in the details.

I sighed, “Ais, I told you… I’ve had a stomach bug. I haven’t been able to keep anything down lately. Seriously, I’ll be fine in a while.”

“And what’s all that white shit on your face?”

I shrug and just start walking into the school. I don’t need this. I really do not need this right now. It’s too early, I’m nervous enough as it is and I don’t need Aislin on my back about looking bad. I knew that I looked bad already; it’s kind of obvious that I’m huge. But I haven’t eaten anything since the milkshake when Aislin and I had gotten into the fight. I’ve shown amazing self control and I’m more proud of myself now than I have been in my entire life. Frankly, I don’t need her to get on my back about it.

The school is cold… which tells me that they’ve had the air conditioner for basically the entire summer. How lovely is that? I hug my hoodie close to me, the cuts on my arms still haven’t healed and it’s gotten to the point where I need to make a visit to the drug store at least twice a week for more scar reducers, antibiotic ointment, beta dine and bandages. I have cuts all over the place now. Even on my back. Looks like I’m wearing sweatpants and hooded sweaters during gym and changing in the locker room stalls. That’s the only way I’d be able to get away with it. Right now, I’m too preoccupied trying to think of ways to get into the bathroom and cut during school. I’ve got my entire stash in my purse. Things are going to be hectic and I have to cut once every two hours at least.

This isn’t about self destruction. This is about redemption.

This is not insanity. This is self control