Barry, Creature of the Night

Barry was a creature of the night. And by creature of the night, I mean that he sometimes went to parties and pretended he was a vampire. Werewolf. A vampire werewolf. With laser vision. And dark magic. Barry was a loser.

People at parties avoided Barry. He always quoted old horror movies no one ever saw and pretended to bite people on the neck. But only guys, he was too afraid to try it on girls because it might come across as sexual (God forbid) and then they would think he was coming on to them (God also forbid) and then they might reject him (God approved). So instead, everyone rejected him, and most people thought he was gay.

One time at a party, Barry was sneaking up on a guy (who Barry thought girls would think was cute, and maybe gay guys would think was cute, but Barry wasn't gay, right? So how would Barry know if he was cute? He was probably just athletic. But why had Barry noticed that? Was that gay?) when his thoughts were interrupted by a girl who seemed to be pretending she was a vampire. Maybe a vampire werewolf even. And she was about to bite the same guy. They looked at each other awkwardly for a moment.

"You were here first," she said. Barry panicked and bit the guy, who freaked out and ran away. "That's weird," said the girl. "Are you new at this?"

"No," Barry said, "I've been doing this for a long time. That's why I don't get invited to parties." He fidgeted. The bitten guy ran outside into the street where he was hit by a limousine.

The girl giggled. "Do you want to come back to my place?" Barry freaked out (oh my God, does she want to have sex with me? Is that a bad thing? Do I want my first time to be with someone I don't really know? Maybe she just wants to be friends. I don't have a condom. Does she--) "I'd like you to meet some friends of mine," she said. Barry freaked again (oh my God, does she mean an orgy? I'm not sure I'm an orgy guy. I don't know orgy etiquette. Will there be cute guys in the orgy? I don't think guys are cute, I don't like guys like that. But I'm curious. Will I have to touch them? Will they touch me? Will I like it?) Eventually, Barry stopped freaking out enough to realize that he was already at her place.

Four other people were in the room. They were all wearing black capes or torn clothing. They were not having an orgy. Barry was relieved and disappointed. The girl, Valerie, introduced them all. Barry wondered where he could get a cape. Valerie served refreshments with something that looked like tomato juice. Barry said he wasn't into health food, which caused more laughter than he thought necessary.

"You really are new at this, aren't you?" asked Rip Torn (no relation to the actor) as he nibbled on a raw steak. Barry pretended to laugh, but they all looked at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"Um. I guess so. I don't usually get invited to anyone's house," Barry finally replied. Again, more laughter than there should have been. Barry fidgeted. Outside, a limousine hit another person.

"Seriously, when were you bitten?" asked Nosferatu (no relation to the actor who played Nosferatu). He was seriously serious. Barry didn't pick up on that, and his thought process eventually decided that another joke might defuse the situation.

"I'm usually the one doing the biting. Well, usually I just pretend, I don't want anyone to drive a silver stake through my heart!" Barry laughed. The others didn't. Barry fidgeted. The limousine chalked up another casualty.

"Barry, we know it's difficult in the beginning. Trust me, we've all been through the same thing. You're having new feelings, strange urges, you aren't sure who you really are. We want to help you adjust." Barry suddenly realized what was going on. He jumped up.

"I'm not gay! I don't think about cute guys! You're not cute! Guys are ugly! I hate penises! Stop trying to make me come out! I mean, I can't come out because I'm not in. Which isn't to say that I already came out, because I didn't come out yet. And I never will because I'm not gay!" This time they laughed. Barry pretended to laugh. He inched towards the door.

Valerie appeared next to him. "It's good that you kept your sense of humor, most people get depressed." She pushed him back into his seat and handed him some of the tomato stuff. "This will calm you down. It can be stressful when one gets away."

Barry took a sip and made an "I'm surprised" face. "This tastes like blood!" he ejaculated (in the speaking sense, not the sperming sense). Again, everyone laughed. Barry wondered why people at other parties didn't like him. Maybe other people just didn't get his jokes. What were his jokes anyway? Hadn't he been serious? Why would they laugh when he was serious?

"Have you been through your first full moon yet?" asked Nosferatu mischievously.

"Oh God," said Rip, "you're not going to do that again are you?" He hardly finished speaking before Nosferatu bent over and dropped his pants. Rip and Shaggy (no relation to the voice actor for the cartoon guy in Scooby Doo) began to convulse and grow fur.

Barry freaked out. Valerie looked at him strangely. "You're not changing. Is something wrong?" Barry didn't answer, he was watching the two men turn into wolves. "You said you were part werewolf, didn't you?" Barry trembled. "Barry? You are a vampire aren't you? You weren't just...oh my God, you were." Valerie blushed. Nosferatu pulled up his pants. Rip nuzzled Barry's leg.

"Should we kill him?" Nosferatu asked. Barry stared. Valerie fidgeted. Barry ran out into the street and was struck by a limousine. The vampires and werewolves harvested his blood and lived darkly ever after.

The end.

Author notes

YAPAPA, whatever that's supposed to mean.

A contest entry

Please don't invite Barry to anymore parties

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 58 of 58

  • hsmlover1
    October 12

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    This was annoying how you kept on going for example 'Barry walked in(with a blue shirt and brown hair) when u read it over and over it is painfull im sorry but i cldnt read it after the 3 paragraph

    HSM

    • Brent
      October 12
      Edit | Reply
      Your comment was annoying, how you kept on going with a run-on sentence and the spelling was painful, I couldn't read it without my brain hurting. Your example doesn't work because the parentheticals are Barry's thoughts, and why would he think "with a blue shirt and brown hair"?
      You're trying to hard to be critical. Free your mind.

      Brent


  • Hexen
    October 1

    Edit | Reply
    Well, It was a good story but perhaps add more to the ending... It was a bit TOO short for my liking...

    Good work though and good luck in my contest

    xox HEX xox

    • Brent
      October 1
      Edit | Reply
      Likewise, your comment was a bit too short for MY liking I ended it that way for a reason, the culmination of a pattern, and because sometimes I like to end abruptly.


      • Hexen
        October 1
        Edit | Reply
        Lol xD

        Well, as long as it was for a reaosn then its good


  • F66142589
    September 27

    Edit | Reply

    Yapapa

    That was funny. I laughed more than once. But it was because of the gay thing. Brilliant.

    language: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • jasje
    September 17
    Edit | Reply
    hahahahahahahahaahahhhaahhaah
    i like it


  • Brand New Eyes
    September 11

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    This is quite an interesting story... Hm.
    Thanks, and good luck in my contest

  • sugarrrainbow
    October 5, 2007

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    Good story, but the option was to add a story that has never won a contest.
    and you have...many times.
    unless this fits another option, in which you would have to put the option number in your author's notes.
    thanks!


  • angel.of.mine
    September 20, 2007

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    LOL omgg u weirdo! hahaha ok ... *sigh* ... so the ending in my opinion could of played out betta... but it was great anywayz haha i neva laughed while reading a story b4 great job, thanks for enetering! xo


  • NotTheDroids
    August 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Extremely funny

    Very amusing, I laughed almost til I cried! Yuo have a very clever sense of humor, and I love it!

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • necronomijon
    August 14, 2007
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    Not quite what I was expecting... but enjoyable nonetheless!

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 2.


  • miles of smiles
    August 9, 2007
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    LOL! I totally love this. It was hilarious. And the limo thing was really funny. (poor guys)


  • Springs gold member
    August 5, 2007

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    Okay, so I skimmed your comments before reading this, and lots of people quite obviously liked it, so you get the popularity vote.
    So yeah, it is very amusing, =]
    Not what I expected from the first line.
    ''The bitten guy ran outside into the street where he was hit by a limousine'' AWWW poor him xD I grinned at it though. I do like the whole limousine thing going on in the background all the time; that's a usual tactic in comedy films. Great job for adapting it.
    I like the authour inserts into it about actors, but like one of the previus comments, the ejaculating pun about talking was unnecersarry (spelling =x) and I didn't get it.

    so yeah, this was very good, but it's not reallyyyyy about gays like my contest was for, right? 'cause he's not gay, mmhm? It's about werewolves and such.
    It's not being DQed however, seeing as I liked it a lot.

    • Brent
      August 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      He could be gay and in denial, I left it up to the reader. If he'd lived a little longer, he might have come out.

  • Nikki Durant
    August 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ha. That was hilarious. I like the random comments about limos striking down people out of nowhere.

  • ohemeegeeay
    August 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You are very, very odd.

    That is all.

    (and I won't.)

  • hunklariska
    July 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very well done.

    I was vaguely worried when I saw the title, but that soon changed. It's good to see something on storywrite that, although about vampires, isn't recycled garbage about bleeding roses and tears in midnight rain.

    The best part for my money was Barry's continuing homophobia.

    Worst part is probably the ejaculation pun... Just seemed a little unnecessary, and distracted from the narrative flow somewhat.

    Still, a highly enjoyable - and much decorated - read.


  • lovely nightmare
    July 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    And the random limosines -- an excellent touch.

  • lovely nightmare
    July 28, 2007

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    Oh I liked this! It was very funny and well written I loved his random thoughts about gayness, and his random outburts "I HATE PENISES!" Brilliant And you avoided the vampire, werewolf cliche. Very nice.


  • tutie7
    July 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    omg that was the funniest piece of writing ive ever read on this site. i especially love the beginning. the only thing. i thought the limo part a little redundant. but man i was not expecting this! oh im still laughing inside!

    oh i lied, i wasnt that into the very ending either. i guess it was funny, but i thought it could have taken a little longer. it was just a little too fast paced.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    June 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    thnx for entering the contest. that was freakin hilarous. i loved it. i loved the part about the limousion just randomly killing people. great job. good luck and keep up the amazing work

    -LostSoul


  • asthray.heart
    April 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hahaah this was funny, sounds like something me and my friends would come up with on a high Especially the limousion jus killing people
    This nwas good and funny as.

    Thanks for entering this and good luck.

    Lady Madeline.


  • Gbanger
    April 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is fantastic. I love how you add his thoughts and how incredibly slanted they are. Very humoress.
    I've never read anything quite like this before and does give a twist to the whole vampire and werewolf stuff. Very entertaining.
    I loved his "I'm not gay!" speech, very amusing.
    This is a fabulous story and I really like the fact that there is really no need for much background information.
    Another thing is Barry's personality, he seems a little bit confused about it and that just adds more humor to the whole predicament he's found himself in.
    This is excellent work. Very unique and very original.
    Thanks for entering and good luck.

    8.75/10


  • eyeambaldman
    February 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    That was hilarious! Some of the funniest stuff I've read in a while. Nicely done!


  • Delfishie
    February 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    cute

    Poor Barry! He just can't win!


  • Dreams of Insanity
    February 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Um.....it's not working. It won't let me put you on the finalist lists.


  • Drac
    February 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Damned funny!

    That was so... *still laughing* funny!
    Damn, I was crying at parts
    "I'm not gay! I don't think about cute guys!" had me cracking up beyond cracking up
    The story deserves every bit of attention and recognition it can get, but sadly I can't allow it to get too far up in my contest, since it was not really a horror-love-death story, but more of a comedy
    (If I ever have a comedy contest though, you'd probably win in a wink )

    Seriously one of the funniest short-stories I have read in a loooong time
    You sure do know comedy

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.

  • Dreams of Insanity
    February 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    KYAHAHAHAHHA! *is laughing her head off* I L-O-V-E the rant! Well I will have my evil, SOUL-STEALING BEAST OF A SISTER, know that I am not evil. Well I liked it, doesn't mean she has to like it.


  • I Am Gun
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    well. i liked the rant about not being gay but i'm not so sure about the rest of it thanks for your entry and my evil sister and i will discuss it...dummdeedummm
    chrissy

  • Kitzwa
    February 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was very funny. It made me laugh because it's so random, and kind of sounds like something I might write, but better. The only thing I was disappointed by was that it wasnt' longer. Thanks anyway.


  • VioletConcept
    February 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    hahahaaaaaaa

    PLEASE DON'T INVITE bERRY TO ANYMORE PARTIESSSSSSS HAAAAAAAAAAAA CONGRATS YOU MADE IT TO THE FINALIST!!!!!!!!!!!


  • VioletConcept
    February 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Ha ha and...

    ha, i loved it and stuff but anyway i loved it and it is very good. you might just win! i say that to everyone


  • elfflower1989
    February 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Lol that's hilarious. If I were Barry, I'd stay. Those sounded like my kind of people ^^


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    January 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for complying with everything, even the "senseless" YAPAPA bit (It's somewhere in the lyrics of my fave anime, I don't think it's supposed to mean something ^_^). You were able to write a humorous story without using any of humor or its synonyms and haha, it's a prewrite too!!!

    Your humor is quite unique - it lies along the border of sarcasm with a tinge of wit Some stories wouldn't seem right if they had "(comments)" in them, but I liked how yours had those little "sidecomments." IMO, they added a more "funny" effect rather than if they were not there

    The beginning had me grinning, and I was laughing most of the read through And I liked how CONFUSED Barry was about everything The mental debate is GREAT!!!
    The biting as a joke, the randomness of the limo and the orgy parts had me laughing so hard, it's weird I didn't wake up my sister and, AAAAAAAH, I might end up quoting your entire story >_>

    Again, many thanks for entering this in the contest, as well as for providing me with a fun read this morning

  • Bap
    January 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    i think this story is confusing in parts also. I love it though and give you a 4/5! It would really help if you could give me some advice and comment on my stories!

  • margaretinoz
    January 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    A little confusing.

    Is this story humour? It is a bit confusing in parts, as wherewolf, vampire, being gay are all mixed in the same basked.

    The introduction, to me, reads more like a review than a story.

    Barry does not seem to be a real character. I think you could rewrite this story into a fantasy.

    What about the limousine which keeps running people down and finally Barry? Can the characters see this happening? If so, they don't respond which is hardly reality.

    Do a reawrite. Make your sentences shorter and less clumsy, and you might have a humorous fantasy.

    Thanks.

    Margaretinoz

    beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.

    • Brent
      January 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Umm...yes. It's humor. It's not fantasy or reality, just humor. The limousine is a joke. Barry is a joke.
      And most of the sentences are pretty short, if they're not, it's for effect.


  • Seachelle
    January 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Okay... So, this story is about a curious-Bisexual-vampire-werewolf-loser? I don't know, it just isn't all that attention grabbing to me. Thanks for the read anyway

    • Brent
      January 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      He's not bisexual, he's confused. He's not a vampire werewolf, he fakes it. He is a loser though.


  • JC Jimmy
    January 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Riiiiight

    Okay. Well that certainly kept me rooted. Was some crazy s***!! Ha, and what made you think of the limousine? That made me laugh everytime . It was simply written yet, that's exactly what it needed! How do you come up with this? Lol, Comedy genious!

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Brent
      January 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      If I knew where this stuff came from, they'd probably lock me up. There's probably a runaway limousine careening around in my head, mowing down my rational thoughts every time I fidget.
      *fidgets*


  • Kameel
    January 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    I can't speak

    oh my. all I can say is that I teeheed.


  • January 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hah! That was Crazy! I have the same trouble with Limos. Keep up the good work. Bring Back Barry! We love Barry


  • Rebel Rebel silver member
    December 31, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Great sense of humor.

    It takes so much to make me laugh I guess because I have become too de-sensitized to the plight of the urban masses. Anyway, this piece was so darn good that I had to smile in about three places. By far the funniest piece I have read in the Make Me Laugh Contest. The vampy thingy and the gayie themes when put together make for one really fun read. I liked the ejaculation sentence. (I got hot.) I liked it when one character pulled his pants down to go into lycanthropy. (I got hotter.) And when the limo splattered Barry...(I got my hottest.) I am not into the movies with sex and fast cars and speed and motorized sexuality as I walk most places here in the city of Mud Holler, Tennessee where I live, but I am into pedestrians getting their lights put out by limo drivers.

    Your use of the fear of an orgy was well written in this story. I live with the opposite fear than one of my friends will one day host an orgy and fail to send me an invitiation. Smile.

    This was a great story and I would love to see it as a movie. From your writing and description I have all ready seen it in my mind's eye anyway. I am sure it would star some super hot stud for the part of Barry. Even though I have just read a story about a gay guy who was not gay I must go now and tell myself that I am not gay just because I got stirred up by Barry who is not gay either. Okay. Everything is good.

    *presses the Submit Comment button*

    [A second later. Away from the prying eyes of everyone on Storywrite, Rebel Rebel searches for the "save as" button, thinking in his mind that this would be a great story to save in "documents" for those days when he does not get an invite to an orgy, or it is raining outside and he can not walk to a friend's house, or his pony sized dog, Beauregard, has a headache.] Sometimes, he thinks that when his Comments get to looking like stories and are actually longer than most of his stories...well, just maybe he needs to get out more.

    • Brent
      December 31, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad you enjoyed it enough to write a story-length comment. Which makes me wonder why I haven't thought to post stories as comments to trick people into reading them. Not that they wouldn't read them anyway. Because they'd be really funny. Barry thinks they're funny. Are they funny? What if they're not? What if I don't write them? What if--

      Sorry, Barry temporarily possessed me. Thanks for the comment!


  • Pray For Me
    December 29, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. It was well written and I liked the language used. It was descriptive. I hope you keep writing and take care.

    October


  • The Racing Snake
    December 26, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Very good.

    I did like this article.

    The language used is very descriptive and it has super pacing.

    Thanks for entering my competition and good luck.

    All the best.

    jsdk

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, characters: 3.

  • Zalthis
    December 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    heh! I love it! Brilliant! poor Barry....
    I like the Vampyres

  • The Racing Snake
    December 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Good Article

    Very well written a super piece.

    I really did enjoy this piece of work.

    It was well written with good pacing and the volcabulary used was also spot on.

    I have written a piece called Evil Dogs and would love your comments.

    Well done and keep up the good work.

    jsdk.

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • Loonamist
    December 20, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    ok then. Interesting yet really good story! Funny and random. Good writing really enjoyed reading it!


  • sketchcase
    December 20, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    yeah that was good, im sitting in the library and laughed out loud. but anyway good story. its so wrong its right, if that makes any sense. but yeah keep writing cause i always read sad stories and then i read a story like yours for a bit of comic relief.


  • iPoopAThug
    December 18, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    Well this was entertaining. I was cracking up the whole time I was reading it. I love the thought process things, like... Am I gay, but I don't like guys, or closets or whatever, that was funny. Barry isn't a loser though, he is a god. If you do all of that stuff then it just shows you are creative, weird, and have an open mind to new experiences. Also... why would Barry run, who wouldn't want to be a werewolf/vampire/lasereyed/evil-magic person? I think you left a pretty big hole there, also where was the laser vision for the group of people he met. I mean they were vampire werewolves but sadly no laser vision or anything like that. Anyway this was funny and fit the contest well so great work.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Lukkieight
    December 16, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    Haha...Barry is gay! I love it. I feel bad for Barry though. So, is there a reason why Barry liked to pretend he was a vampire? Yeah, I never know what to say about your stories because they're all so funny. Good job.

    • Brent
      December 16, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Weren't you listening to Barry? He isn't gay! Right? Please?
      Barry pretended he was a vampire because...um...he was confused about what made people popular. Among other things. And he figured goths had lower standards. Barry led a very depressing life.


  • roars-in-public
    December 16, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    The night of his life...? Or rather, the night of his death. Aw, poor Barry. I wish him better luck next time if he ever gets ressurected.

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