Great Expectations: Editead and reeveised: cahpter 7

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Well, as a year passed from the time I hunted down the two convicts I began to get multiple job offers, and Mrs. Joe made me take all of them because she was too lazy to do her own damn work. She acts like does a bunch of things for the community and then takes all the money I rake in, what a loser. Anyway, even though I was on work duty everyday that didn’t keep me from chasing my one true dream. I remember a while ago I mentioned my wish to be a blacksmith, correct, well, at the age of nine years old…I think…I was able to become apprenticed to Joe. I won’t lie to you, I was nervous about how my skills would develop considering the fact that Joe, a man who’s brain has only one system, would be teaching me how to mold scalding hot metal and fashion it into whatever shape I seem fit. But my apprentice ship is not being evaluated at the moment. What is being looked at is my education, which is mediocre at best, I get taught by a some fat old lady who starts flashing back to wars while in the middle of teaching. The kids really only go to see her go on a flashback rampage, it truly is hilarious; she dives behind desks and starts yelling about gunfire and bombs and whatnot and once drop kicked a kid in the front row. I don’t really learn too much from her but I suppose it’s better than being taught to read and write by Joe. To be honest, the only way I learn anything is from my little friend Biddy. Biddy is a girl…hooray, she is dirty and unkempt like everyone else from our little village and I will not argue that she has any brains either. The way she teaches me is by flashing random images from learning channels across a television while my face is strapped to it so it subliminally teaches me a little bit more of everything I need to know.

My skills were not quite honed though, for instance there was a time where I was sitting by a fireplace, I didn’t have to worry about Mrs. Joe’s occasional Tourettes outburst due to the fact that she was out and about doing…stuff, I was trying to write a note to Joe with my crude language, I believe it resembled this.

SuP JoE! Lol Where wur u at the forge 2day! I wuz tryin 2 make sturf nd i couldn’t figure out how 2 lite the fire! Roflwaffle! I wuz like “OMG! WhErE’s JoE, ThIs BlAcKsMiThInG sTuFf Is PuRtY tUfF!!! LOL can u b-l3ve that! i m such an R-TARD u no? Ur so 1337 at blacksmithin. ZOMG! I fergot 2 tell u that Trabbs boi threw a brick through de window, wut a n00b u no? OOPS i aggroed mrs. Jo brb c u l8er.

Pip4lyfe went away at 9:14:36 PM

As you can tell, my grasp of the English language was definitely in need of repair. After I had finished my note I sat and considered taking it to Joe, who was sitting in a chair across the room staring at the wall, I wanted him to read it and commemorate me on my amazing work.

“That’s an excellent note Pip!” Joe exclaimed in Joy “Well Done!”

I glanced up at him from across the room and shook my head. “I haven’t even shown you the letter yet Joe.”

“Oh…I can read, you know.” He said uncomfortably. I stood up and walked the short length of the room and thrust the note out to him. He took it in his hands and almost hurt himself attempting to read it.

“This is amazing Pip, wow! Well thought out, I’ve never looked at it that way before!” He said after a few seconds.

“Joe…you can’t read, can you?” I said dully.

“Yes?” Joe tried.

“No…no you can’t, Why not?”

“Well ya see Pip. When I was just a little lad I had parents.”

“Cool, so did everyone else” I said sarcastically.

“You didn’t.” He pointed out. I stared at him hatefully for a few seconds and then he continued of his own accord.

“Well, one of me parents was his creature called a gurl, and the other was what you and I would refer to as a man.”

“As are everyone else’s Joe.” I cut in again.

“Yours weren’t” He pointed out again.

“What? What the heh are you talking about!” I yelled at him.

“Georgiana? Is there nothing about that name that brings about suspicion, could a man named George not simply get a name change?” He explained

“You’re kidding…” I said, I refused to believe that I had two gay fathers.

“Not in anyway, in fact I was very good friends with both of them.” Joe shared.

“How good?” I said in a sickened tone.

“None of yer business, now then, Where was I? Ah yes, me parents, made up of a man and a woman, the man being a drunk and the woman being, um, a woman. Anyways, my father tended to beat my mother and occasionally let me join in on the fun. This was how it was fer much of the beginning of my life, beating beating beating and the occasional blacksmithing, which is technically just more beating. My father didn’t let me go to school because he said school had been corrupted by crazy lake creatures that would suck out my brain if I entered the room, so I simply had to put up the fact that I would never have an education.

When I entered my teenage years I entered a phase of growing up known as the “emo” phase. I tended to wear extremely tight pants, eye makeup and fingernail polish. It was during this period of my life that my father beat me for the first time of my life. As I recall it was the night I told him I wasn’t going to eat the corn beef hash that had been prepared because I was going vegetarian due to the harsh mistreatment of animals.

He screamed something similar to ‘no son of mine’s a fag!’ and dove across the table and began to brutally crack my own chair against my face. My mother screamed and grabbed me and dragged us out of the house where we moved in with her grandfather. After we had explained why we had fled and the whole dinner event that had taken place my grandfather said something similar to ‘no grandson of mine’s a fag!’ and kicked us out onto the street. We moved in to our own little apartment and made money by me selling my blacksmithing toys, which included an iron rubber duck, an iron life-jacket and iron water-skis.

My mom had just begun to slowly teach me how to read and write when one sad day my father put a hit on her and I never found the body. So my only hope was to tredge on through life alone because my father would never let me return, even though I was out of my teenage phases and was happily scarfing down meat again. In fact I didn’t even know where he was, he seemed to disappear directly after my mother vanished.

Well, I lived the next few years of my life alone but one day ran across your sister, who beat me around and told me how worthless I was just like my father did before her. I obviously grew extremely attached to her due to her mistreatment of me. You do tend to have an affinity for people that remind you of family members Pip, whether you like the family members or not. Anyway I was wed to her and she and I raised you together.”

Before I could respond a hideous voice came from the front doorway.

“That was the gayest family story I have ever heard you retarded sack of crap.” Yelled Mrs. Joe, she stormed up to Joe and began back slapping him into the wall.

“Yes!” He yelled as she performed this “Yes, oh this is great, I love you!”

She got bored and instead turned her glare on me.

“I found you a job out in the city with Mr. Pumblechook.” The sudden mention of this name made me feel itchy and uncomfortable and I turned to the doorway to see that bulbous light bulb attempting to squeeze his stomach through our doorway. I sighed miserably.

“You shall be going to Ms. Havisham’s house for reasons unbeknownst to me.” She said. Everyone’s eyes suddenly filled with amazement and there were many mumblings of ‘Ms. Havisham?’ coursing through the room that even Mrs. Joe joined in on for fun.

“Wait” I said, cutting off the whispers “You said you got me a job and you don’t even know what I’m going to do?”

“Yeah, so?” Mrs. Joe asked snobbishly.

“Wait, who got me the job anyway, you or Pumblechook?” I asked

“It was probably Pumblechook” Joe said angrily “He and Ms. Havisham have a scheme I’m betting, dey’re probably setting up a grand plot to wipe out civilization as we know it! And Pip is who they need, he is the human key that will be used to summon forth the Gods’ angry wrath and they will strike us all down with plague! It’s him and I know it! You can see it in his beady little eyes, along with a lot of cholesterol swelled veins.”

“Yeah” Mrs. Joe said sarcastically “Too bad Pumblechook never even spoke to Ms. Havisham, he’s just the only person in town with a carriage.”

“Speaking of carriages” said Pumblechook, who was standing outside “It’s time for Pip and I to leave.”

“You’re just saying that cause you can’t fit through the door.” Mrs. Joe spat his way. Nonetheless she shuffled me out to get into his carriage so I could ride far away from my shoddy, broken down home and leave Joe for the first time I my life to go on to a mansion.

Hooray!