Great Expectations: Editead and reeveised: cahpter 6

I felt unusually happy that the convict had taken the fall for me on stealing the food, because I felt sure that if anyone ever realized a few chunks of bread had gone missing I would have been set aflame in the fireplace which, arguably, isn’t loads of fun. The liquor I think I must explain to you, although I never mentioned it before I do tend to keep a flask of rum hidden in the inside pocket of my jacket. In case I ever feel so sorry and depressed I see the need to drown my sorrows away, and then I tend to see the Earth waving around and rainbow fish dancing around my head. Anyway, while the convict was searching my person for food and what-not he must have taken the flask and it had remained unbeknownst to me until he mentioned it in the hut. Then the meat pie had already been explained, he had apparently killed a traveler and used a part of its body to fashion himself a mouth-watering meal.

As I was considering this in my head on the way back from the ship (the chariot had broken part way so Joe and I were now walking back.) Joe and I conveniently came upon an ugly body laying in the road. It was a body belonging to a man and, in the dark, we couldn’t see the bloodstains on his coat.

“Gross!” I said in disgust, acting as if I was going to look away but staring down at the body with the utmost interest.

“quit your complainin Pip” Joe said “I used ta deal wit dead bodies all tha time.”

“When?” I asked, seeing through the lie.

“Back in Nam.” He said. I shook my head and then began to walk on, leaving the body back in the road. Joe ran up and caught me by the shoulder. “We can’t just leave tha body there! It’s got our fingerprints all ova’ it!”

“But, we never touched it.” I stated. Joe was already back over by the body, hoisting it up and bringing it to a puddle off the side of the road where he heaved it in and watched it splash into the mud. It floated for a second then slowly oozed it’s way down into the depths of the mud.

“Wait” I pointed out “Now if they find it it’s going to have your fingerprints all over it won’t it?

“No, it’ll ‘ave mud all ova it.” He corrected and then began walking off down the road. I glanced back at the place where the body had sunk and then jogged to catch up to Joe.

We entered the house to see Mrs. Joe, Mr. Pumblechook and Mr. Wopsle Russian dancing with eachother while Trabb’s boy played the fiddle to them. When we entered they all stopped abruptly and ran to their seats. Trabb’s boy shattered the violin against the wall and leapt out the window. Joe and I pretended that we had not watched that all take place and sat down to tell them of the convict catching.

After telling them about the stolen bread and liquor Mrs. Joe shattered the story by mentioning that We do not own any alcohol, I coughed uncomfortably and began to inch away to my room when Pumblechook saved me by explaining the whole event how he saw it happening.

“You see” He began while I was slowly falling asleep on the ground by the door. “First the guy had to find a way to sneak into your house. So I’m guessing that he killed many of the members of our community and used them as a staircase to get onto the roof. (“Why is everything always about death with you?” Mr Wopsle ask in an icy tone.) Once he was on the roof he used the materials that could be found on his prison which were partly made up of things he found on the road. They were made up of a paper clip, rubber band, a pocket knife, a bottle of liquor and long lines of string he peeled off of his own clothes, first he took the paperclip in hand and jammed the knife hard onto the edge of the roof, next he tightly wrapped the rubber band around his feet, tying them together. He proceeded to slide himself off of the roof headfirst and then hooked the rubber band between his feet onto the handle of the knife so that he was hanging all the way off of the roof next to one of your shuttered windows. Next, he reached his hand toward the shutters and filed the paperclip through the center near the bottom of the window. He then slid it up to top, unhooking the small lock on the inside while it was in this process. The window then fell open and he heaved himself back on top of the roof. He then undid the rubber band and took all of the pieces of string from his clothes and fashioned himself a rope, he now tied the rope to the knife and the other end of the rope to his two feet again. This time he leapt straight off the roof so that the rope would tug him back and swing him straight into your window. Once inside he untied the rope and then tugged on it until the knife came free and he pulled it through the window as well. Now that he was inside of your house he quickly scuffled over to pantry and began to root through it, first he found the bread which he hastily devoured and then he produced the bottle of liquor from his pockets and placed it in your pantry then closed the door, fully handing ownership of the liquor to you. Then he reopened the door, stole the liquor from you, drank it, and then hastily made his escape.”

“I don’t get it” Mr. Wopsle argued “Couldn’t he have just walked in the door and stolen the stuff, what purpose did the whole roof jumping scheme serve?”

“How is he supposed to walk up to the door when the outside of this house is guarded with lasers?” Pumblechook mockingly asked.

“How did he get out then?” Mr. Wopsle pushed further.

“Through the door of course, what else?” Pumblechook laughed. Mr. Wopsle opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by Mrs. Joe, who rose irately to approach my form that was now sleeping on the floor.

“You little punk!” She yelled, ripping me from the floor and shaking me about in midair. You think I brought ya up by hand so you could sleep by the door whilst we gots company over!” It was here that her words fell into nothing as she preceded to beat me in to unconsciousness on the front door. This event was closely followed by my comatose form being thrown outside in a very uncomfortable position on the front steps to sleep for the night. Each member of the company of visitors made sure to step on me on their way out.