Great Expectations: Editead and reeveised: cahpter 5

All hope suddenly faded, they had discovered that it was indeed I who had helped the convict in the graveyard, I fell to the ground in a heap of despair.

“Please don’t send me to a prison with slippery soap!” I pleaded to them. The, presumed, captain ignored what I said and instead studied my person intently.

“You seem to be covered in gravy; you’re just the man we’re looking for.” The pig muttered through his mustache. I was at a loss for words so I stared at him with my mouth hanging open.

“Oh wait. You aren’t the blacksmith are you, no, no, you’re just a grown man with dwarfism, I’m sorry for the mistake. Now, which one of you is the blacksmith here?”

He looked around at the strange scene in the room that had been abrubtly paused. Mrs Joe and Pumblechook were halfway across the room, Mrs. Joe holding a hunting knife and both of them frozen in a running position with their mouths open while everyone still at the dinner table were simply sitting with their mouths hanging open and I was at the door with my mouth hanging open. Suffice to say, it was awfully silent considering all of the open mouths. The captain stood silently waiting for an answer.

“Joe! You retard! That’s you!” Mrs. Joe yelled at Joe suddenly. Joe snapped into focus and walked up to the cops.

“Hello Blacksmith, we have this pair of handcuffs on hand and we believe there is something wrong with them, could you fix them for us?” The captain asked holding out the handcuffs. Joe took them in his hands and began to study them intently.

“By god! These are a pair of handcuffs they are!” Joe exclaimed in awe.

“Yes” the captain said glancing about “We’ve already surmised that, they’re broken and we need you to fix the-”

“Well bless my soul! These handcuffs are broken!” Joe’s eyebrows almost raised off of his head as made this discovery.

“Yeahhhh…” The captain was gazing about while attempting to get a grasp of just how stupid Joe was. It would take him a while to finally realize how dumb a person could possibly be.

“Well you should get somebody to fix these I thinks.” Joe suggested.

“See, that’s where you come in, you’re the blacksmith right?”

“So I am!” Joe exclaimed with discovery.

“So…you can fix the handcuffs right?”

“Wait a minute…these handcuffs are broken?”

“Nevermind” The captain said snatching the handcuffs back from Joe “We’ll just shoot the convicts.”

“Convicts?” I spoke up suddenly; Mrs. Joe backhanded me to the floor and told me to keep silent. Joe, surprisingly, seemed to notice my interest in the subject and turned to the captain.

“Is it possible for I and Pip ta come with you fellas?” He asked.

“Uh, sure, I don’t care.” The captain said “Come on then” He motioned for Joe to leave and then waited for me to get up and walk out into the faggy night…I mean foggy.

“So, how are we supposed to catch the convicts?” I asked the captain as we walked a little way outside the house “Are we running after them?”

“Heavens no, are you stupid kid? Why would I run around through these marshes aimlessly looking for convicts, do you not see how foggy it is?”

“Well…I was just saying cause I don’t see any form of transportation presenting itself.”

Conveniently, directly following those words a gigantic, armored army jeep soared over a hill and broke through the fog while flying at us through the air, it crashed into the ground upturning the soil as the driver brought it around to a stop right beside us. It was equipped with a chain gun on the back and a small TV screen near the steering wheel.

“You see kid, when criminals and convicts are sent to prison the government uses some of the technology it keeps from the public and implants a tracking device behind the eyes of all the inmates, so if they ever get out we can always find them again with this GPS system we have in our Jeep.”

“Oh” I said, taking in the crazy technology being presented to me “Wicked…I guess”

“Well, hop in; let’s get this show on the road.” The captain said jumping up to the gunners seat and yelling at the driver to go.

I glanced over at the GPS and saw that we were closing in on one dot…only one, I wasn’t sure whether or not the police were even aware there was a second convict. We drove on into the fog converging on the position of the dot and we began to hear yelling, they were yells of battle.

Suddenly a large mass that resembled a human body soared into the ground right beside the jeep, the body hit and sent a wave of dirt and soil and…marsh stuff…flying through the air. The wave flipped the Jeep over onto its side and the captain, driver, Joe, various cops, and I fell out into the mud. As the others lay in the mud groaning and attempting to find a way to get to their feet I lifted my head in the air to make what I would of what had hit the ground.

From the ditch that had been created in the ground from the body impact rose two soldiers, clad fully in glorious looking armor, one’s armor was black and one’s armor was golden, they both were carrying two greatswords and I immediately recognized the golden clad one as my convict and the other as the convict who had attempted to impale me on the road.

The two soldiers glanced around at the scene before them and at first they thought there was a mud wrestling tournament going on but when they realized that none of the wrestlers were attractive women and a few of the men in the mud were soldiers their armor suddenly evaporated off of their bodies and they were left as two miserable looking convicts.

The captain pulled his face out of the mud and stood up; he picked me up and used me to wipe all the mud off of his face before throwing me back to the ground. Joe and the other soldiers also rose from the mud and they all passed me around like a towel to get the mud off of their faces, once I had been put down Joe moved over to me and looked at me with an apologetic look in his eyes.

“Pip, I’m sorry for using you as a towel like that and…well…” He let the conversation drop there, produced a tureen of gravy from the folds of his clothes and emptied its contents over my head. “There ya go buddy” He said, patting my shoulder.

During this akward exchange of apologies (I never actually said anything though so it wasn’t really an exchange ) the pigs had successfully cuffed the two convicts and were waiting for me and Joe to return.

“Well” said the captain, beginning to walk forward “Let’s get moving”

“Wait!” I cut in “Why aren’t we taking the Jeep?”

“Look at it” he said as if the reasons were obvious, I glanced over at it laying in the mud.

“It’s on its side” I stated to him.

“Yes, I know, so we’re gonna have to rough it out from here on.”

“But, can’t we just flip it back over and keep driving?” I asked.

“You’re not making any sense kid, do you think we could flip it back over?” He asked, raising his eyebrows at me.

“Um…yes.” I said blandly.

“Well you’re just a stupid little kid.” He turned his back to me and began to press forward. When I turned to Joe for support he began to pour gravy on me again.

After an hour or so of walking through the expansive foggy marshes with no sense of direction we managed to find a hut that was right next to a dock that was right next to a boat, as many docks are.

As we approached the hut two of the cops began to drag the second convict off to the boat, I looked at him and when his eyes caught mine he gave me an evil glare and drew a line across his throat with his forefinger. I smiled and waved goodbye warmly before entering the hut. The situation was quite akward as I sat in a hut with the police captain, Joe, who was sitting on a stool and fingering the gravy tureen, waiting for me to approach, and my convict who was probably under the impression that I had started the chase for him and I was now within choking distance of him.

“Before I go I would like to say something” Said the convict.

“um…okay…I don’t care” The captain said, rolling his eyes.

“While I was out in the marshes, I stole some food…from the blacksmith.”

“Halloa!” yelled the captain

“Halloa, Pip!” Joe said to me, I looked at him hatefully

“what the hell does that mean?” I said, shaking my head.

“I stole some broken bits of food, some booze, and a meat pie” The convict continued, he was taking the fall for me, what a lousy suck-up.

“Were you missing a meat pie blacksmith?” The captain inquired

“Yes, my wife was just going on about it before you showed up.” Joe said in complete amazement.

“No she wasn’t, you liar! We never had a meat pie in the first place!” I yelled.

“Oh yeah, I killed a traveler to make the meat pie, I forgot, sorry.” The convict apologized.

“Did you know who it was?” The captain asked.

“Oh yeah, you know, he was just walking around with a nametag on just in case something like this happened.” The convict rolled his eyes.

“…What did it say?” The captain pressed.

“I was being sarcastic retard” The convict spat incredulously.

Suddenly from outside we all heard another boat arrive, the captain motioned for the police to take the convict away. His eyes suddenly filled with rage.

“You’ll never take me alive coppers!” He screamed in an enraged frenzy, he pulled an uzi from the folds of his convict clothes and began to fire into the crowd of cops. He then sprinted for the tent exit and burst into the night. Joe, the captain and I ran outside after him and came out just in time to see him leap gracefully off of the cliff face.

“Ha!” the captain laughed “ What a dunce! He’ll splatter all over the rocks down there, what a loser! Haha!” Suddenly we all heard the sound of jets firing up and we ran to the cliff face the see the convict flying over the ocean with smoke trailing from his back, we could hear him cackling as he soared into the distance.

“Damn!” The captain cursed “He was wearing a jet-pack the whole time, how did we not notice?”

“Uh…can we go home now?” I asked “This is starting to, you know, get gay like the first chapter.”

“Okay go ahead” the captain said, waving me away with his hand as he contemplated his next move. So I tied Joe to the back of a chariot and rode him off into the distance.