The story i'm about to tell isn't myth or legend. Its true. Its about a girl,about16, who thinks very little of herself. She is teased by the girls, and the boys are mean and rude to her. She just wants to die to make the pain go away. Even her mother thinks low of her and is hardly ever home. Her father is embaressed by her and doesn't want to be seen with her. She is a disgrace to her whole family. She was outside one night thinking of the easyest way to die, when a man, about her age, stepped out out of the trees and sat down next to her. She was surprised to see such a cute guy sit next to her. She thought he didn't notice her so she got up to walk away before he did. She didn't feel like being teased right now, and she was sure thats what he'd do when he saw her. "Why are you leaving? Have i offended you?" She was shocked that he would have that. She had expected him to say something mean or rude to her. This was the last thing she had expected. Also she hadn't expected him to have an English accent. "Oh no, i just don't ummmm... i didn't to disterb you thats all." He was looking at her with deep crystal blue eyes. "But you were here first. wouldn't i be disterbing you?" He asked the question as if she were a normal person. It confused her. No one had ever asked her anything like this before. "Uh, i ummm....i don't think so. Why do you talk to me?" She wanted to understand why he talked to her when no one else did. She was usually invisable or the center of cruel jokes. "Well i don't know. Do you not want to talk to me or something? Do you think your better than me?" He asked in a cold tone. She could see he was hurt by what she said but couldn't understand why. "No, i uhhh just ummm.... well people usually ignor me or are mean to me. I was just wondering why someone like you would want to talk to someone like me. I mean can't you see i'm a nobody?" His eyes were soft as he stood up. When he spoke it was in a velvety voice that made her want to melt. "I don't see a nobody, i see a beautiful girl that i'd love to get to know." She was stunned by what he said. No one had ever called her beautiful before, or ever wanted to get to know her. You think i'm beautiful," she asked. "Why even a blind man would say so." He answered with a heart melting smile. She couldn't speak. She felt her legs give in as she looked into his eyes. He caught her before she hit the ground and picked her up. As he walked she fell asleep in his arms. He looked down at her and wispered, "You are more beautiful and more powerful than you know."
A contest entry
- A Vampire Contest... With a twist. by Xineph.
600 points, ended June 19, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Wow, I like this story, it has a good plot and plenty of drama, with a little bit of adventure... great job.
DarkOne -
A few issues:
1. USE PARAGRAPHS!!!
2. It would be nice if you explained why she was hated/such an embarrassment.
3. This is a matter of personal preference, but it would feel more realistic if you gave better reasons for the guy to start caring about her. He basically comes in off the street, she's surprised by him, he's annoyed by her, and then he decides that she's so beautiful "even a blind man would say so". I actually laughed at that. Then again, maybe that will get explained in future installments... Just something I noticed.
4. Excellent descriptions. I loved "velvety voice".
5. Minor spelling/grammar/punctuation stuff.
Good effort... Keep at it and good luck! -
I agree needs more description and should be put into paragraphs. I would also suggest using spell check there are a few misspelled words. The story overall is a good one and I am interested in reading part 2. Keep up the good work.
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Nice story. I agree with Syren about the paragraphs. I liked this story and it can be even getter if you added more description a about the characters. Keep writing.
October -
New Paragraph at 'She was outside one night...'
Rule of thumb when someone is speaking or the speaker changes new paragraph. Keeps is cleaner and less confusing.
New paragraph at "Why are you leaving?"
New paragraph at 'She was shocked that...'
New Paragraph at "Oh no, (I) just...'
New paragraph at 'He was looking...'
New paragraph at '"Uh, (I) ummmm...'
New paragraph at '"Well (I) don't know.'
New paragraph at 'She could see he...'
New paragraph at 'His eyes were soft...'
New paragraph at 'He was stunned by...'
New paragraph at '(")You think (I)'m...'
New paragraph at '"Why even a blind...'
New paragraph at 'She couldn't speak.'
New paragraph at '"You are more...'
I didn't pick out the spelling errors but use spellcheck, it will help it look cleaner.
Your character aren't very defined. I have no clear picture of what they look like. I thought the guy stepping out of the shadows was an older man but it sounds like he's a teenager also.
Also I have no idea what it looks like were she is. Little more description. But it sounds like you have a good plot starting here.
~*Brooke*~ -
Hey caylierose
nice story
thanks for putting it so now you are in the competetion
thanks for joining.
So You will know if you have won or not coz the winner gets promoted.
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A good story
Hello There and thanks for putting the story
Comments:
Check for the sixth line
you have some spellings wrong there.
e.g.- that's easyest by you
but the right one is easiest
You should pay more attention with the spellings and grammar.
Rest is all nice
keep it up and thanks again for putting your story
although I would like you
to go through the story once again checking for mistakes.
Use this just like an advice.
I never give anyone more than 2 for plot out of five in the rating,
but your plotting was excellent and even I didn't have a plot like that,
So I give you 4/5
HAVE A NICE DAY
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interesting...
I'd like to see where this goes...is she of another world/species and he sees someone different like Shrek? I like it...they're being very cheesy and romantic but I like romantic (=
also you might want to change the dialogue, i demonstarted when i comented on part 4 and just read through it to check for typos. its normal to mispell when yu're righting but go through it out loud and u'll find them. thats what i do...im sure you noticed im bad at typing lol
keep it up! (= -
Nice, very nice.
I love it, it's awesome, will there be more, ooh, I hope so. Please write more. But, a suggestion, a few grammer errors I noticed.
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