Finnegan’s Haunted House
At the arse end of the 1970’s and early 1980’s I was at primary school in a small town in Angus Scotland. There were two primary schools in the town where I lived and we mortally hated one another, small town vendetta’s and school traditions aside there was one thing which united both schools. That being the absolute truth and certainty that a large old derelict house located slap bang in the middle of town was haunted.
Stories were thick on the ground of peoples older brothers friends or cousins that had been terrorised to within an inch of their lives for simply setting foot on the property. White, grey, green and silver ladies tales were the common coin of currency round the school with tales aplenty of headless boys walking ghost dogs at midnight round the garden. It seemed that if anyone could dream it up, it would be laid down in local playground folklore as absolute gospel.
Oss one of my friends to this day’s parents lived in a house next door to this gateway for Beelzebub and all his horrors. Having been a visitor at the house for many years I myself and Oss were to say at the least very dismissive of these tales of ghastly apparitions to the point where one or two people in our class started to call our manhood in to question and I quote.
“You’re just scared to go in, that’s why you say it’s a all a bunch of crap.”
Oss “ No way, I’ve lived their next door to that house for years there’s fuck all in their you lot are all saps!”
“Why don’t you go in then?” said fat Brenda a behemoth of a girl for eleven years of age.
Oss “ Right you’re on, we will go in next Friday lunch time!” he said looking at me directly condemning me to play the terrified assistant to his Vanhelsing.
This was only Tuesday afternoon and by the time Friday morning was amongst us tales of our impending decent in to the bowels of hell were all over the school. Reaction to our quest ranged from older chaps trying to scare us witless with accounts of vampires, werewolf’s and the like on the premises to the feeble minded Gillian breaking down in to tears to Mr. Bristle our teacher at the time warning him of our perilous position and certain death on our forthcoming ghost hunt.
Mr. Bristle clearly was a rocker for his day due to his long hair and sideburns, which would have given Amos a run for his money. Mr. Bristle to cut to the chase was not one for taking or standing for any nonsense, we could all feel a class lecture was looming large on the horizon based around his favourite topic of actions having consequences.
He launched in to one, slamming the palms of his hairy hands down on the desk in front of him to punctuate and drive home how seriously he would take any form of trespass/lawbreaking. Also informing the entire room that any such act would result in the involvement of the frightful Mr. Dell the school Headmaster, parents and or the police.
Mr. Bristle “This is simply a derelict old house in need of restoration, there are no such things as ghosts and I want to hear no more about it!”
“ You have all been warned!” he finished pointing at us with the blackboard duster.
The sternest of talking to’s by the sternest of teachers with the clearest possible, laid out in front of us, black and white list of consequences for ignoring his advice. You would have thought that this would have been an end to any further dabbling with the dark arts? So was it? Was it fuck.
Time: 12.00
Location: The boy’s cloakroom
Present: Myself, Oss, Nimble, Knumbnutts, Mike the Bear and Jockey Green Teeth.
Before we continue to the crux of the tale a brief explanation of two of the above nicknames firstly.
Mike the Bear: A Canadian who’s whole family had a predilection for lumberjack shirt wearing and devouring massive quantities of food. Centre half for the school team as he was good in the air due to the fact he was at least a foot taller than anyone else our age, expert of the toe poke shot, no feel, touch like an elephant hence Mike the Bear.
Jockey Green Teeth: Do I need to go any further, first name Jockey, physical description: green teeth.
Back to the boys cloakroom.
Oss “ Are you all ready? Have we all got everything we need?”
All of us “Yep!”
What we all had brought with us was essential kit for any young ghost hunter on his first trip in to the spirit realm.
I had a St. Christopher necklace and a cricket stump to impale the undead.
Oss had holy water and a crucifix necklace, well I say holy water it was actually tap water from the boys toilets placed in to a bottle he had found somewhere in a cupboard at home with a shamrock on the label.
Knumbnutts had a torch and a two-piece pool cue, which he took great pains in showing us how he could place the two pieces together to form a rudimentary cross while bellowing at the top of his voice “Back!” Yes Peter Cushing and the producers at hammer have a lot to answer for there.
Mike the Bear had not brought anything with him except his hulking frame and huge mouth of braced up teeth giving him more than a passing resemblance to Jaws the villain of the James Bond films of the time. I figured that if we were going to enter a haunted house we might as well have someone with us who could on his own quite literally haunt any house.
Jockey Green Teeth had with him a playing card, to be more specific the ace of spades. What level of protection or what he intended to do with this card remains a mystery to this day.
Fully tooled up off we set for the house, on leaving the school grounds via the side gate Fat Brenda, Buck Tooth Teresa, Catherine and Susan all joined us.
“Were coming with you to see if there is anything there!” they said.
A ten-minute walk saw our party outside the front gate of the big old gloomy house. The house had no street number but the names Finnegan’s on the gate. The weather was awful, low cloud and fine unabaiting drizzle we were all soaked. The house its self was all boarded up but local yobs had kicked off some of the boards covering ground floor windows; the front door was hanging by one hinge.
In to the house we ventured.
Due to the boarded up windows the ground floor was nearly dark apart from the small amount of light coming through the door behind us.
“Torch” whispered Oss.
The torch was passed forward and we proceeded along the hall by torchlight huddled together boys at the front and girls to the rear. It is fair to say that bravado from the playground had long since left us we were all absolutely terrified. I had the St. Christopher in one hand and the cricket stump in the other ready to jab buggery out of any lurking spooks. The ground floor fully explored it was time to go upstairs, up in to the darkness we all crept as the top floor was all still boarded up. There was absolutely nothing there apart from one room, which despite being large in size had no windows. In that room with the torch off you could not see you’re hand in front of your face.
Oss motioned for all of the chaps to leave the room, he then slammed the door shut trapping the girls inside and then secured the door with a piece of old wood which was lying on the floor.
The girls in the room were by now all screaming the house down, we legged it out of the house and back to school. As we passed through the gates the bell rang and we all had to go back in to class, that afternoon geography one of Mr. Bristles personal favourites, only one problem no sign of the girls. We all sat down now the consequences of our actions were upon us as Mr. Bristle took the register.
Mr. Bristle “Where are the girls?” “Has anyone seen the girls?”
Knock knock on the door, in trapped the girls tears still running down their cheeks, in behind them walks, oh doom the schools headmaster Mr. Dell. What Mr. Dell didn’t know about scaring children was not worth knowing, he then proceeded to snarl through gritted teeth while pointing at us one by one “My office now!”
Six of the strap each, parents summoned to school that very night for a meeting about all of our behaviour and the worst ever punishments at home which went on and on and on.
In the school playground Alex said, “I heard from my big brother that there is a voodoo temple in the Mcfarlane Estate.”
Oh my god will we ever learn?
Author notes
This is all true only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
A contest entry
- Make me laugh, and cry. 'Nuf said. by Comicfreak1007.
116 points, ended February 26, 2007, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Bedtime Story Gone Bad by Mai4ever.
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Silver trophy winner
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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This was pretty good, I'm just not a big fan of the writing style, but that isn't your fault. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
*Frozen Angel* -
Hahaha GREAT!
Your discriptions of Mike the bear and Jockey Green Teeth: Jocky made me chuckle. This was excellent! You had me totally through the whole story. We all have a haunted house In our past youth. I will tell mine some day. Hahahahhha excellent really!
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why is everyone asking you about 'was it fuck?'? Dont they say that anywhere else other than Scotland? sorry i just had to mention that!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow! I live in Scotland and I can relate to this story! I thought it was excellent! I really like that you gave them nicknames! Jocky Green-Teeth! I couldn't stop laughing! I also really like the ending! I thought it was really clever and funny! You did a really good job on this! Well done!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Sorry it took me so long to view and comment. I liked it! Thanks for entering and good luck.
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Another excellent tale from your childhood. Thanks for sharing.
Perhaps you should explain (once and for all for those that don't speak the same brand of English as you and I) that 'Was it fuck' is actually an expression - not a question.
It implies that the previous question is stupid, and is said with a liberal dose of bravado.
Was I scared? Was I fuck!
There are other ways of reading it, and depending on the emphasis placed on words can have different meanings e.g.
Did she fuck? Did she fuck!
Cheers, keep up the good work.
GoNE
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This story does have a good plot. It just needs some work with the grammer and sentencing. I have to agree with what Tatsu said. This does have potential for it does have great ideas. Keep it up! Don't find this discouraging. It's only a suggestion and won't affect the judging for the contest. Good luck then! P.S...I really liked the nicknames.
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forgot applause!
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Overall I enjoyed it and I think that it has potential. I would like to know however if English is not your first language ( not meant to be rude, it's just hard to follow parts of your story). Also, what does "Was it fuck." is that some sort of phrase or something or is it like "Was, it? Fuck."
Have a great x-mas and keep writing -
Ahhhh... The Strap
I was quite amused by some of the character and scene descriptions and the easy use of dialect. The absence of proper punctuation in several places stymied me a bit, made for awkward reading of certain phrases. The overall story felt a bit hurried and there was a big build-up without much payoff... It fizzled a bit in the presentation. I think you could keep the elements the same (i.e. there's no need to embellish the tale further or add ghosts or whatever) but make the denouement longer so the impact is greater. It's a decent skeleton with some defined musculature, but needs to be fleshed out more to really have the impact it could.
Thanks for sharing!
Gypsy Guru
P.S. - My apologies for the delay - With Yule and Christmas upon us, the U.S. is a bit frenzied at the moment. Are you still living in Scotland? -
I have a question: "Was it fuck." Is this a certain style of expressing resignment or did you still mean to end that with a '?'. Even if we would consider it wrong grammar, it adds to the feel to it. A certain music.
I loved the way you end it. Wiped the ledger clean, ready for the next. Ready to strike. Gives you that feeling you get right after watching your favourite series on telly when a truly fine episode ends.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I enjoyed this a lot, it's like a mix of Billy Elliot and Buffy...don't ask. It's light hearted and funny and captures youth in how people have their nicknames; even those were true to the era. I think it's really good how you told it and how its's not actually haunted, your not trying to make it a fantasy write just about kids and life and what kids get up to! (Regardless of the fact the house was not actually haunted in real life) I think it's really nice that this is a true story, and brings me back to moments with my friends.
I throgouhly enjoyed this ligh-hearted and fun write, you captured a very difficult emotion to capture; well done!
Keep writing!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Wonderful!
This is very amusing. A wonderful tale of children never learning not to do something stupid! But this is a fantastic tale rather amusing if I say so myself! Great job!
Lee-Ann -
LOL!!! That was TRUE? Oh you horrid boys, lol. Very humorously written, I love the little comments within the narration and the nicknames for boys, so typical. How old are the boys in this story? About 12? Very true to the age group. I thought at first it would be a typical haunted house story but I was pleasantly suprised. Very well written.
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Enthralling tale; I found myself chuckling many times at the well-written, well-placed and witty humour. The balance between humour (which was obviously one of the highlights) and horror was expertly executed and this was overall a very fun story to read.
PS: The odd character names, for me, simply added to the comedic frame and enhanced that aspect of the story.
Nick
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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wow very good
i like the description of the setting. this is a great story. they should make us study it at GCSE instead of the Red Room by HG Wells.
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Speaking as a girl - you rotters!
Speaking as a writer - very good. Just the right mix of humour, horror and adventure.
P.S. Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to reviewing this - been busy.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It was a good story, I enjoyed reading it. Though, I don't really like the names you've given the characters. In that, I agree with Totem. Maybe a bit more description, but not alot.
But in anycase, I really liked it. Keep it up -
I enjoyed it, it reminded me of a time me and my friends were locked inside the creepy old bathrooms in my old school, boys are mean!!! Gosh, ha, keep up the good work.
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This is a great story. Theres a "haunted" house near where I live and this reminded me of some of the stupid stuff me and my friends used to do. There are a few problems with punctuation, but other than that I really like it. Good job and good luck.
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This was a very entertaining story. It brought back some fond memories of the old haunted house in my neck of the woods. Your descriptions were spot on and I was giggling through most of it. You do have some missing commas that when added would help with the flow of the story. Bar that this was a fun read. Good job.
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This is a good story, I am not personally fond of the way the nicknames were explained as it makes it feel cold to the reader but that is just my opinion. I find there are some punctuation problems but that is easily fixed with editing. Otherwise it keeps the readers attention from beginning to end so they can find out what's happening. Well done and good luck in the contest.
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well you definitly had an exciting childhood, with lots of fantastic memories to reminsce on. Another hilarious tale here! I especially liked the part about the girls being locked in the room... although at that age I would have hated to be them!
Good detail and descriptions, although the slight grammar errors did tend to make some parts hard to read. Not a big deal though the story itself was great!
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Really liked this, mate. It held my attention with your exposition. Some parts took a time or two to read, just because of a missing comma or two. But besides the fact, it was an enjoyable tale that I'm glad you pointed my way.
Best of wishes,
Justin/ Jay -
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Thanks very much for your comments, I have written another one called Home Alone. You can tell it's folly already. I would love your thoughts.
jsdk.
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