As The Circus Rides Turn

July 18

I wanted to go on every ride. Every carnival I'd been to before this had been bleak and meaningless, and this one wasn't going to slip by. I wouldn't let it by a long shot. After all, I had everyone I wanted in my life right there with me. No one was fighting, no on was the least bit unhappy, and I hadn't rememberd the last time I couldn't stop smiling like I was that day. Perfect in every way.

The music wasn't my faveorite, but I knew they'd play something fairmiliar eventually. We usually ended up singing along anyway, just to have someting to laugh at. The machiens were loud and almost larger than life. I'd never been to a carnival like this. All my momories held of them were rides a 5 year old could ride, not nearly anything a 15 year old would. I could just imagine myself hoisted up into one of the arms, almost cradled, and flung down, and up and side to side, searching the blurr of a crowd for faces. I vowd to stay far away from the car rides where you ended up plastered to the person next to you. I'd never had much fun on them, mostly because i was too busey focusing on not being awkward when slammed up against soemone unwillingly.

My faveorite ride was alwase the swings. Just sitting there, twirling around, feet dangling free, almost like flying. I'd alwase wanted to fly, but my fear of heights alwase limited me. After all, who actually enjoys the laws of gravity when it comes to being able to fly? It was a dream of mine, a reoccuring one. Every time I was on the swings I'd close my eyes and remember everything I could about them. Each dream started off the same, but the endings always changed. Sometimes I'd fall, sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes I'd survive, sometimes I wouldn't. I wouldn't open my eyes until I could feel pavement scrape against the bottoms of my shoes.

By the end of the evening I was alone. I'd tuck my knuckles into my pockets and look around for a while. I could spend hours alone anywhere, anywhere but home. Don't get me wrong, I loved going home, it was being there that turned into the problem. I was always trapped there. I was always unhappy sitting somewhere waiting, and waiting.....and waiting...waiting for anything, and thats all I found my home good for. I spent half my childhood waiting for friends to come to me, waiting for anyone to do something, anything.

School was something else entirely. It was my scheduling time, nothing more. It wasn't that I was really an idot and didn't do work, I was no A student, but I wasn't failing by any means. I was a C+ or higher in everything. My teachers didn't care for me, but they had nothing against me. Half of the time they held that against me, saying I didn't participate enough, and so my grade was changed.( So infacet I could be an A student.)