"Shoot," I muttered, the crystal formation in front of me beginning to shrink. I snarled in frustration and dropped my head into my hands. I could never get it right. The crystal shard hanging from my neck was a stormy gray color.1
"Aw. Too bad, that," said a voice behind me. Without raising my head, I knew who it was.2
"What do you want? Why can't you just leave me alone?" I asked angrily, glaring at him. 3
Clirenz smirked. He and I had practically been enemies since we were small children in the Nursery.4
"Oh come now, Xen. Surely this isn't an interrogation?" Clirenz asked innocently. He was about as innocent as a rat-dog. 5
I stood up abruptly, my mouth set in a hard line. I pointed at the door to the Crystal Chamber, wanting him to leave. Clirenz didn't take the hint.6
"Back off, Clirenz," Sona said, coming from behind him. My anger dissipated to make way for embarrassment. Sona was one of the most talented girls in the school. What was she doing in the Crystal Chamber at the same time as me?7
"Hello there, Sona. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Me and my buddy Xen were just talking, right?" he said. I knew that I wasn't supposed to answer that, but I was about to anyway.8
"Xen doesn't seem to want to talk to you. Why don't you go study for the test in History?" Sona suggested. Even though her words were nice enough, there was a hint of danger in her voice. Nobody messed with Sona. She was stronger than most young men of seventeen winters, and even though she hated physical violence, she could scare anyone into submission with one of her icy glares.9
"You probably don't want to fail. Again." Sona clenched and unclenched her fist as she spoke, the crystal shard on her necklace glowing a dark red. Clirenz exhaled sharply and narrowed his eyes at me, then turned around and left. 10
I breathed a sigh of relief and sat down at the rock I'd been working on. Sona stayed where she was, as if expecting something. I glanced up at her.11
"Thanks," I muttered. She nodded. Then, instead of leaving like I expected, she knelt down beside me. I looked up in surprise. Surely she had some awarding ceremony to go to? She was always winning something like that.12
"You're doing it right. You just need to give it less light," she said helpfully, sitting down and crossing her ankles. I studied my plain rock closely, the crystal-forming fluid running down over its sides. It was too light in color. Sona was right. Well, of course she was right. Duh.13
I obediently lessened the power of the Glowstone. The fluid darkened with the light, then began to solidify and grow into the green crystal I'd been trying so hard to form on my own. I looked up at her excitedly, and she blushed a little. She looked away. Her shard was now a light pink color. I looked at my own. It was clear. 14
* * * * *15
"Xen. I heard that Sona was helping you," Edrik said suggestively. I kept a neutral tone to my voice when I spoke.16
"Yeah. Who told you?"17
"Dude, everyone in the Crystal Chamber was watching the action. We thought you and Clirenz were gonna kill each other. Then SONA came to the rescue," Edrik said. I shook my head. Why did he have to make such a big deal out of it? It wasn't like anything really happened. She helped me with a small problem, so what?18
"That was the best crystal I've ever seen you grow. And SONA helped-"19
"Will you cut that out? It is SO annoying," I said, speaking quite truthfully. No girl had ever liked me. I was an average guy who had no real friends, just an annoying 13-winter-old kid named Edrik from the Third Level.20
"Whatever, Xen." Edrik waltzed off, leaving me in a wake of utter confusion. What was his problem?21
"Wait. That was the Seventh Level's time to use the Crystal Chamber. What was he doing down there?" I asked myself. Edrik disappeared around the corner of the hallway. The chimes of the Fifth Hour sounded throughout the school. Learners poured out of the rooms and got into the usual traffic flow, everyone rushing to their next class. 22
I looked back, the stampede of Learners heading toward me. I decided to go after Edrik anyway and ask him what he was doing in the Crystal Chamber during my little incident with Clirenz and Sona.23
"Edrik! Ed-" I stopped short when I rounded the corner. My breath caught in my chest and I stared in horror. Edrik was lying on the ground in a crumpled heap, a small pool of blood forming around his head. I ran over and checked his crystal shard. It was black. I checked to see if he was breathing or had a pulse. There was nothing. Edrik was dead. 24
I looked around me frantically, trying to figure out what could have attacked him so viciously in a matter of seconds. His shirt was slashed to shreds at the shoulder. I then noticed the knife lying by Edrik's body. I picked it up and studied it, but there were no markings to help me identify its owner.25
"Oh my gosh, look!" screamed a Fifth Level girl, pointing at me. Instantly, about fifteen other Learners were by her side, pointing and gasping at what looked like a murder. I had a knife in my hand, blood on my hands, and I was kneeling by a 13-winter-old boy who had just been killed. I vaguely realized that I would be blamed. But I wasn't really thinking about it. The world was growing dark around me, as dark as Edrik's shard.26
* * * * * 27
When I came to, I was chained to a wall in a dark cell. I tested to see how strong the bonds were. They were obviously made for someone much stronger than I was. 28
"So. Never thought a kid could turn killah," said a voice with a heavy accent. I peered through the bars into the cell across from me. There was a man lying with his back against the stone wall. He was dirty and had obviously been there for quite some time.29
"I didn't kill anyone," I murmured. It was true. I hadn't. I had found Edrik there. 30
"That's awl any-un says. 'I din't do it'. Huh. Ain't what I done. I confesses straight away," the man said with a wheezing laugh. I studied my surroundings carefully, trying to see if there was any way out- once I was unchained, anyway.31
"Don't be in such a hurry, boyah. You ain't going nowhere anatime soon," the man advised.32
"Why are you in here?" I asked. The man suddenly fell silent. His eyes clouded over and he looked away.33
"'Those who are cast down, only the Great One can raise,'" he recited quietly. He sounded totally different, almost like a prophet or a Seer. I frowned in confusion.34
"What?"35
A door opened, the hinges squeaking. I couldn't tell from where. I was still chained to the wall. My fellow prisoner cringed as the heavy footfalls grew closer. I could tell that the approaching person was wearing large boots by the slaps against the stone floor.36
"Xen Sora-Lem?" came a deep voice. I tried to pull myself to my feet, but the chains on my feet prevented me from doing so.37
"I am. Why am I in here?" 38
"You are accused of the most serious crime among the Keepers: the murder of a learner," the voice said again.39
"But I didn't kill anyone! I swear!"40
"Your trial is being set as we speak. I would suggest that you do not incriminate yourself further."41
The man on the other side of the bars raised a shining blue crystal above his head, and the chains binding my arms and legs snapped open. The door to my cell swung open as I rubbed my sore wrists.42
"This way, please," the man said, and I followed him, not knowing what else to do. My fellow prisoner watched us go, and he had fear and sadness in his eyes. I suddenly began to wonder what might happen to me if I was blamed for Edrik's murder.43
To Be Continued...
Author notes
For anyone writing a helpful and critiquing comment, please excuse the 'modern-day' lingo and slang- this is my rough draft, and Xen sometimes speaks the way I do... When I rewrite The Great One, I will edit out the "cool" and the "sweet" things that he says throughout the story. Thanks!!!
And if you read this, PLEASE comment and CRITICISE. This is the work that I obsess over in my free time! (if you like it, please read the rest of it, too)
- The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer group list • next in list
A contest entry
- series by mooseyx3.
275 points, ended January 16, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Calling All Novelists- I Want First Chapters by artemis the hunter.
260 points, ended December 7, 2007, 44 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prologues And First chapters by Ayesha Raees.
190 points, ended November 20, 2007, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
PLEASE COMMENT AND CRITICIZE.
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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I am in love with your first chapter!!
The clarity with which you described your character is unmatched and i cannot resist myself from giving you another applause for your imagination
I am, however, not satisfied with the title.
And i also think that the part where Xen is holding the knife to examine it, and is discovered by other learners(who accuse him of killing) is too stereotypical. You might want to change that a bit.
Other than that i love the start.
The crystal shard idea is amazing and very original. Are they the powers that the learners can use? Or do they just represent moods? Can the crystal shards also tell whether a person is lying?
Can't wait to read d rest.
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Interesting start,
This was certainly an interesting piece, it has a lot of potential and can probably go anywhere. The end definitely leaves me wondering, what exactly will happen to Xen? The whole crystal thing intrigued me and I hope we get some background to that in later parts, I could really picture a lot of this. This must have taken a lot of imagination because it seems very original. It was an enjoyable start, something I will continue reading.
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This is awsome, I will have to continue reading. You write very well in the first person, and I didn't notice the speech and time differences until you pointed them out. I'll read more next time I get a chance.
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THIS HAS LOOOOOTS OF POTENTIAL. I'm already deciding in my mind what I think would happen if I continued with your story lmao!
Wanna know what I think just out of curiosity? Cos then I can find out how different your story is
No idea if you would say yes or no to this, so I'll just talk:
I reckon..... that Xen will end up being unfairly sentenced to either death or banishment of some sort. If it's death, he'll escape. He'll then be running away from the people who are supposed to be his allies as well as whatever danger lies out there in the wide world. Lots of contraversy and trauma, so that's always nice. Sona will no doubt become a more prominent character, and a possible future love-interest. Maybe she'll even help him escape. Anyways, considering Xen would probably want his name cleared, his goal in the story would be to figure out what happened to his mate. But what at first seems to be a simple murder case turns into something much bigger............ Anyways, that's my guess. It's probably completely off, but if it was right I would laugh so much
Don't tell me; I'll just read
The modern-day lingo is completely fine, I think. Just because a story has magic and crystals in it doesn't mean the characters have to talk all medieval-like.
Awesome story; you have my interest in the very first chapter (which is more than I can do - it takes me about three before I can hook someone in.... meh ^^)
Anyways, now that I've written you a comment longer than your story......
Nice work!
Eph
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Paragraph 3 I would start a new paragraph at 'Clirenz smirked.'
P4 also new paragraph at 'I stood up...'
Not a bad start. I do have a question. These crystal shard convey moods right? Why couldn't they also tell if a person was lying or telling the truth? Those are also moods, if only secondary ones.
Brooke
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The mordern lingo wasn't so bad though it's a bit of a surprise at first being that first fist thing that pops into my mind when i hear chrystals and magic is something that's in an eragon like setting. But please, keep obsessing about it!
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Great job! Very imaginative and well-written. I can see why you obsess over it, and that obsession has made it a good story. Keep it up!
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"Aw. Too bad, that," said a voice behind me. Without raising my head, I knew who it was.
"What do you want? Why can't you just leave me alone?" I asked angrily, glaring at him.
How can he glare at him when he didnt look up in the first place?
The rest is good. A very awesome and unique idea i must say!
this was a really awesome read and i totally loved it!
thank you for entering... its really great! -
great job! this is definitely something i would read more into! i esspecially love your character names. that is one thing i have difficulty with- finding good ones or making appropriate ones up. about the critisizing- its too hard. i can't find anything wrong. good job and thanks for entering my contest!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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i think you should keep some of the modern day lingo, sometimes i like to combine old, modern, and lingo i make up myself. this is really good though. i know what happens in the 2nd part so ill read the 3rd next. its really good you make a whole new world i just wish he didnt have to leave so soon.
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I can't criticize. It's to good!
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Very cool. Well written. Neat. cool. nice. 5000 applauses.
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Pretty neat. I suck at writing stories so I read other people's in hopes of inspiration. Great job!
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good
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I'm going to comment, but I can't criticize. Why? Because there's nothing to criticize in the first place!The title is captivating, the story is captivating and leaves you wanting more. My eyes were glued to the screen so now I have to remove them and put them back in my sockets with hot water and soap!lol!
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i loved the crystal shards. so they like show the wearers emotions? that would be a bit akward occasionally....lol
im definitely going to read the rest of it!
just a prediction: is Xen going to be the great one? hmms....
great story!!
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This is really awesome!! I like the crystal shards and the dialog. Can't wait to read more. Although, I sort of thought Xen was a girl at the beginning until the blushing part. excellent!! I like the rat-dog part. great write.
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Excellent
This is great. I like the dialog between characters, and the plot instantly drew me in. I'll definitely have to read the rest. The crystals sounded very interesting. Great job.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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First Quality
I started reading this becasue I'd read something by you before, then got caught up in the story. One place you used "13-winter" instead of spelling the number, a small oversight. Now I have to "stay tuned." Nice writing. Thanks for a good read.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I really liked this. A fantasy murder mystery is always good for me. The crystals are linked in some way... And I especially liked the paradox: 'Well, of course she was right. Duh.' Very clever! Keep writing, Meggh xxxxxxxxxxxx
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You're a great writer!
"Oh come now, Xen. Surely this isn't an interrogation?" Clirenz asked innocently. He was about as innocent as a rat-dog. I stood up abruptly, my mouth set in a hard line. I pointed at the door to the Crystal Chamber, wanting him to leave. Clirenz didn't take the hint."
That was my favorite part.
This whole thing was awesome, I just really liked how that paragraph was built and the use of the word 'rat-dog'
When I saw the description about a kid who is wrongfully accused, that usually makes my blood boil and I really don't like that feeling so I decided not to read it but not even realizing it I read pt. seven first..and I'm glad I did because otherwise I wouldn't have read it. It has a really great flow and it isn't like those wrongfully accused stories, I don't know..there is something about it, that makes it interesting over irritating to me so awesome!
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5 outa 5
i would like to declare this a totally awesome storybeginning: 5, characters: 5.
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I hope this wins in the contest. It is a really good series. I don't know why it doesn't have that many comments. It deserves millions of them. You are such a good writer. I hope that someday I can be as good as you. You are excellent.
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Ooh, I'm actually going to read this series. I like it.
>.> But we will have problems if you keep killing characters right after you introduce them. Or in the first chapter. They're both literary no-nos.
Grrr. It's really frustrating that you don't have lie-detecting magic. I mean, that would be cheesy, and it'd definitely wreck half the story, but... grr... -
This was very good. It was very enticing and certainly intrigues the audience into reading further into it. I liked how it started one way and then sharply introduced the conflict. It was well written. Thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest!! Let me know if you change anything!
-Moose: OUTbeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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WOw!
i liked the synonyms you put in this passage. Like the 17 winters old ( sorry if i messed that up), but i just loved the way you put it all together. it flowed nicely and the different way you put it adds something original and new to the story, i really like this!! On a last note, i love the names you have. Xen-- it's really cool!
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