Trade

Please death come to me,

I’ll trade you for the one you’ve taken.

Please hear what I say,

all this time I cried,

wishing the darkness to come to me,

yet you denied me everything.

So please I ask once again

to let her breathe.

So I kneel and beg

take all I am.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Bitter Irony
    June 25, 2007

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    "Please[,] death[,] come to me" When addressing a person or entity, you need to surround the name with commas.

    A nice original outlook on death in this story (my, that comment sounds strange!), and I like the story you tell. However, before this poem can be considered "publishable" it needs to be expanded somewhat. All the words in this poem really only serve to say one thing: that is, your first line. Where's the memorable and original phrasing? Imagery? Emotional imagery, of course, but it still merits the name.

    Publishable poems SAY something: they don't tell it, they show it, and let the reader feel it. This was a nice read, and it certainly opens up doorways to greater poetry yet to come, but it in itself is not publishable.

    Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck in future writing!

    beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 3.


  • asthray.heart
    June 12, 2007

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    This was deep, makes the reader want to cry for feeling the pain the person in the poem is going through to have her back and have him taken instead.

    Thank you for entering and goodluck

    Lady Madeline.


  • Blurith
    June 6, 2007
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    Wow, this was really heart wrenching (for most people). I'm not an overly emotional guy, but I could feel the pain of the narrator jump right off the page into my skin.

    "Wishing the darkness to come to me

    Yet you denied me everything"

    That was my favorite part, and really showed the depths of his turmoil.


  • QueenWolf
    December 12, 2006

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    Good

    I felt your emotions as I was reading this poem.

    You may not have ment to put any in but you have all the same.
    Good job keep it up!

    Penny x x x


  • Lukkieight
    December 10, 2006

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    Ooo, That's sad. Good job! I really like it. It's very sweet, short, but sweet and down to the point. Loveley job.


  • Tater-Tot
    December 10, 2006
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    WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOQWWWWWWWWW......GGGRRREEEAAATTTT thats al i can say ..GREAT


  • The Racing Snake
    December 7, 2006

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    Grand.

    Very good if a touch morose which afterall would be the point, I do not usually like poetry but on this occassion I bow to your talent.

    jsdk.


  • Azaradelle Moderators member
    December 7, 2006

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    Sensational...

    Wow, this poem is amazing. I actually felt tears burning the back of my eyes. The agony and sadness depicted throughout this piece is overwhelming. The short but very powerful ending "Take all I am" left me breathless. A truly amazing write! This is one of the finest poems i've read. Very well done, and goodluck in the contest!

    Yrs.

    Azaradelle.

1 - 9 of 9