The Three Billy Goats Gruff

Okay, so we all know the story. The three good, lovely Billy goats live on a beautiful hill filled with lovely green grass, right? Then one morning they wake up and it’s all gone, right? So they decide to cross the river to get to the lovely green valley on the other side filled with lovely green grass, right? But underneath the bridge lived a big, scary, ugly, mean and monstrous troll, who would eat them all up in the blink of an eye, right? So the two youngest goats cross the bridge, each telling the poor, gullible troll to wait for their big sister/brother and escaping to the other side, right? Finally the oldest comes across and the moment the troll tries to eat him, he head butts her in to the river where she is carried away to her doom and the goats live happily ever after, Right?!?!?

Wrong.

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not that good looking. Trolls seldom are. I blame it on our reputations. Can you imagine a troll walking in to a beauty shop for a perm or a supermarket to get a tooth brush and some designer t-shirts? I thought not.

Helga P. Troll is my name and this is my story. It may be ugly but so am I and the truth is never pretty.

It starts with my job. Yeah, of course I had a job. Vegetarian goat substitute costs money. Yes, I’m a vegetarian. Surprised? I don’t blame you.

Anyway, my job was to guard the bridge. You humans have things called “Toll Bridges” where you have to pay money to get across, right? Well, those come from our “Troll Bridges”. They operate under the same principle. The valley full of green grass was owned by a Fairy king who liked his privacy a lot and like his gold better. He charged a very large amount for the privilege of crossing his bridge and paid me an even larger amount to guard it. This accounted for my living under a bridge. You don’t really think a self respecting troll like me would live beneath a bridge if I wasn’t getting paid for it, do you?

The Fairy king’s neighbors, The Gruff family, were made up of three goats. Ted, Nanny and Billy (Yes, a Billy Goat named Billy. Goats are not known for their creativity.) were their names. A shiftless bunch of squatters if I ever saw any. The grassy green hill they lived on was old family land, paid for by a rich inheritance, the three goats hadn’t done a days work in their lives. They just sat around all day, munching on grass. It was no wonder it was all gone one morning.

It was Nanny’s shriek that awakened me the morning of "The Incident". I didn’t think much of it at the time. She was the sister and sillier female I had never met. She was always shrieking at something or other. I figured that morning it was a lady bug, rolled over and went back to sleep. I’d been up late last night, talking and playing cards with a mermaid that had flouted up stream. Her name was Monica and she was a nice little thing. We must have stayed but until one o’clock and I promised to visit her when I could get off work. But the ambrosia had not agreed with me and I had a monster head ache.

My quiet rest was disturbed by the sound of small hooves. The youngest goat, Ted was attempting to cross the bridge.

Clipity, Clipity, Clipity

I groan and dragged my self out of bed. It was my job after all and it is against my troll nature abandon my duties. Especially ones I got a hundred gold pieces a month for carrying out. I decided I would simply go up on the bridge and tell the goat to pay the toll or clear off. As I said, the Gruff family had no money and, if I may say so with out sounding too self satisfied; I was quite an imposing figure. Ted would be gone in a flash and then I could go back to bed.

Even in my exhausted state, I was able to jump nimbly on to the bridge and scare the little goat very well. Smiling, I held out my hand.

“Toll, please.” I said, “That will be one gold piece and one silver piece, if you don’t mind.”

“Let me pass.” Ted said, haughtily, “I am trying to get to the other side where the grass is greener.”

Boy, these goats were sure of themselves. “Well the grass is always greener on the other side.” I chuckled at my little joke, “But you still have to pay the toll or go back to your side of the river.”

The little goat stomped his foot. I guess he was trying to be intimidating. “I am a Billy Goat Gruff!” He shouted, as though that mattered to me in the slightest.

“That does not matter to me in the slightest.” I told him, “One gold and one silver piece or take yourself off, Mr. Gruff.”

Being haughty hadn’t worked for him, so Ted tried pitiful. “Please…” He whined loudly, “I don’t have any money. All our juicy green grass is gone. I’m starving.”

“I doubt that.” I said, looking at his fat frame. He was very loud for such a small thing and my head ache was getting worse.

“My sister, Nanny, has all our money.” Said Ted, “She will come shortly and pay for us both. Please, let me cross.”

At least he was being polite now. With a sigh, I nodded. It wasn’t because I believed him or because I felt pity. I was tired of talking to him. Ted trotted away happily and I went back to bed.

No sooner had I got comfortably snug between the covers, then I heard another, louder sound.

Clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop

It was Nanny. Just as Ted had promised. I was tempted to just stay in bed and let her pass but rules are rules and money… well it’s money. Sighing I got out of bed and climbed on to the bridge. Nanny gave me the same song and dance I got from Ted. As I told you, Goats are not famous for their creativity.

“Oh but I don’t have any money.” She sighed, after trying to be impressive and trying to be pitiful, “I’m only a silly little girl.” Nanny fluttered her eyelashes at me. I doubt she realized that I too was "only a silly little girl", though, I will be the first to admit I am neither silly or little.

“Girls are just a capable as males.” I reminded her, “If you can’t pay, go home. I will go and get your brother myself.”

“Oh!” Said Nanny, “Let me cross. I’m sure my big brother will come and pay for all of us.”

I knew she wouldn’t leave until I let her cross, so I simply sighed and muttered a feeble, “Alright.”

Nanny skipped happily away and I groan inwardly. I was fired for sure. Billy would have no more money than the other two. How had I let the situation get so out of hand? Grimly, I waited on the bridge for the oldest Gruff.

He did not take long. Purely for the sake of protocol, I held out my hand and said, wearily, “Toll please.”

“I’m not paying a toll.” Billy said, with the arrogance I had expected from him. He pulled off impressive much better than his siblings but it did not work on me.

“You pull off impressive much better than your siblings but it does not work on me.” I told him, “If you don’t have any money, go back to your pathetic little hill and I will deposit both your sibling there shortly.”

“You wouldn’t dare…” Billy said contemptuously, but I noticed he did not test me. I watched him trot away with a satisfied smile on my less that perfect continence. Once he was on the other side, I began to climb over the railing of the bridge to grab the rope I would need to apprehend Nanny and Ted. It was then that I heard the sound of running hooves.

Clop, Clop, Clop, Clop, Clop, Clop, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BAM, splash.

I was sick, okay? I’m sure you all must have guessed what Billy had done. He waited until my back was turned, rushed me, and head butted me, to use a vulgar phrase, right in to the river. Of all the cowardly, underhanded…it was nothing less that you could expect from a goat. They are not noble creatures, the best of them. This had been their plan all along. None of the goats had any money. They’d just bought time until Billy came to administer the final blow.

My last thought, before I hit the water, was “Why didn’t Billy just come and knock me off my bridge in the first place and saved everyone the trouble?”

Obviously, I did not die. My unconscious body flouted down stream until it was rescued by the nice little mermaid I had played cards with the night before. Monica nursed me back to health and I came round with nothing more than a bruised bottom and a very bad headache. My friend kindly invited me to live with her and I accepted. We’re still roommates and we host a poker game every Friday with a horse, a frog price and two runaway sheep. Teenagers but more sensible than others of their kind.

I saw "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" in a bookstore a few months later. It was publish as fiction, which was not far from the truth. I was not even given a gender, much less a name. The woman who typed the goat’s story (hooves do not operate a key board well and they do not operate a pencil at all) was happy to get my side of the story. She confessed that she found Billy’s version of events silly and was certain her publishers would not mind dueling ideas. She was a very sensible young woman as far as humans go.

I did not go back to the bridge or my employer. Monica kindly swam down to get my few possessions and she told me that the fairy king had laid a little spell on the goats. Since they were unwilling to pay his toll to eat his grass, everything that touches Billy or Ted’s teeth is turned to gold and everything Nanny tries to eat turns to silver. The grass is always greener on the other side.