“Hell hath no wrath like that of a woman scorned.”
- Anyone care to take a guess?1
On any other day, Juan Rodriguez would not strike you as particularly interesting. He was a novelist, a profession that usually was particularly interesting, but he viewed his writing as a job, and treated it as he would clerical work. This particular morning began much the same as all the others. He got out of bed, yawning twice – not once, nor thrice, exactly as he had the day before, and all of the days before.2
When he brushed his teeth, he did so for exactly sixty seconds, and used no more nor less than a pea-sized amount of toothpaste. When he walked into the tiny, gleaming kitchen for breakfast, Juan chose a perfectly round apple, and a perfectly round English muffin. That was about when things changed.3
As he threw the core of the apple away, and went to the sink, to rinse off the plate and place it in the dishwasher, he heard a little pop. – He’s up already? – That was his fiancé. He would recognize that voice anywhere.4
“Hi, honey,” he said casually, as he turned from the dishwasher. Where had he left the manuscript? He couldn’t remember, which was definitely unusual.5
He heard his Maria sigh, as she pulled an apple from the fridge, and put bread in the toaster. – Now he’s looking for his manuscript. Hah! He never forgets where he puts something! Maybe I’ll let him find it himself; it’s his own fault that he didn’t see it on the nightstand this morning. – He shot her a concerned look. 6
“Are you okay?”7
His fiancé stiffened. “Why wouldn’t I be?” she enquired, her voice taut and irritable. She had a cold, and hated her husband pointing it out.8
“Well,” he said slowly, “You’ve been talking to yourself.”9
“Nonsense,” she snapped. – Now he thinks I’m crazy, just because I have a cold? – “I haven’t said a word since waking up. Until you nosed your way in.” She vanished into her bedroom, leaving a distinct chill in the air.10
Mystified, Juan went into his own to fetch his manuscript, to stick it in the mail. When he returned to the house, something occurred to him. He realized that he had heard something he should not have been able to. Her active, foremost thoughts. He knew he couldn’t have been “reading her mind,” or he would have drowned in the torrent of emotions and tiny trains of thought, but he was hearing those that were loudest. Now, how had that happened?11
He shrugged and went to his laptop. 12
~13
Hours later, Maria made an appearance. Juan glanced at the clock, startled to see her back from work already, and realized that he’d been typing for hours. It was easy to lose track of time, when work was going well. 14
Maria glared at him. “You’re still on that stupid laptop? Didn’t you just finish a manuscript?”15
“Yes, but - ”16
“Yes, but what! You do this every day! Don’t you have time for anything interesting?” Juan could see that she was really working herself into a temper. – Every single day! I’m going to destroy that machine! – Oh, no, he thought, I need that! He held it out of Maria’s reach.17
“You can’t destroy it! How will I do my work?” He, too, was angry. Didn’t she know how hard he worked, and all to keep her in the lifestyle she had grown used to? “Stupid, thankless woman! I work all day so you can wear that pretty dress, and sleep in a nice bed, in a nice house, and you – you - ” 18
- Oh, yes, because you’re so special! You’re to stupid to realize that I only want your money, so I don’t have to work! - 19
“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Juan Rodriguez roared. He made towards her, as if to throw her forcibly through the door, should she try to stay. 20
Maria’s eyes flashed in fury, and she drew her engagement ring off of her finger. “I’m glad,” she informed him with a tightly controlled voice, “That I found out how you really are, before I married you.” Just as she had seen them do on T.V., she flung said ring at him, savagely enjoying the blankly shocked expression on his face. “Marry your laptop.”21
“Maria, mi dulce…”22
She paused, and he tried to hear her thoughts, and know if she really meant it, but that power had abandoned him. “By the way,” she added, “You’re extremely boring, and you suck in bed.” And then she was gone.23
~24
Three years later, Juan’s house was gone, and he was living in a cheap apartment. He had had to sell his laptop, and most of his furniture. Car payments had taxed him of money he did not have, and as he had still been making payments on the house, which he could not pay, he lost that as well. As it turned out, Maria’s income had supported them both, and without it, he had barely a penny to his name. He curled up on his lumpy mattress.25
~26
Hera giggled, and tossed her wavy brown hair, silver eyes glittering with mirth. “That,” she managed around her laughter, “Will teach him to scorn the gods!” She pushed the small bucket of perfectly round apples over to the Goddess of Beauty, and said, “Let’s see if you can do better.”27
Athena did not so much as chuckle, but then, she never did. Her face glowed with amusement, though. “It was a clever trick, making him think he could read peoples’ minds, when he was just hearing what you fed him,” she admitted. “I cannot see Aphrodite doing better.”28
The apple gleamed as she tossed it in the air, and catching it again, Aphrodite grinned. “Men are such fools. It’s my turn now!”29
Author notes
>.< Sorry if I did badly. Please, tell me how I could be better!
A contest entry
- Entertain me. by Token Massacre.
350 points, ended December 9, 2006, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Myths and Legends, Gods and Goddesses by Delfishie.
175 points, ended April 5, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Humor is a difficult topic... how did I do?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I thought the humor came through pretty well in the story, though I had a little trouble following it at the very end. I especially enjoyed the set up and descriptions at the beginning, and poor Juan, thinking he was supporting Maria. Him on his lumpy mattress made me laugh. It was a very spiffy twist.
I really enjoyed this, and was glad to have a chance to read it.
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Nice story...well done. Had good time reading it
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I agree with Delfishie, I really enjoyed this. The homage to the Greek myth of the Golden Apple was great! I loved what happened to Juan, especially with Maria's mentioning of him sucking in bed. Very amusing! Keep up the good work.
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^-^' The sucking in bed part isn't even my idea. In gravitation, Yuki was yelling at Shuichi, and started with 'you're annoying,' ended with, 'and you suck in bed!' and you should have seen Shuichi's face...
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It's a good story, but you could have told it in a better style.
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Hah!
Great job! I loved the twist at the end and the whole homage to Paris and the apple of Eris.
Oh, Juan. This is what happens when you take supernatural phenomena at face value. This ain't "Heroes" you know. You always gotta suspect that someone is fucking with you. ;-)
This was really well done. Great great job on it. -
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^-^ Thanks.
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the only real comment id like to make on how you could improve this would be that you have a lot of dialogue, with little else. dialogue should make up about a third of your story. you leave large chunks of the story untold, such as the three year gap, are you sure you dont wanna beef it up a little? it happens too suddenly, the argument is way faster than any i've ever had, just try to work your way through it a little slower thats all
and maybe a few hints on the origins of the apples?
other than that good piece, ill check back to see how/if youve changed it, id be very interested -
Thanks for entering, but I don't see how it has much to do with your inner child. I love the references to the Goddess though.
Again thanks for entering.
~brooke~ -
This story has much potential, it's just a matter of detailing. Don't be afraid to expand on things. How the apples came to be in the house, how he was able to hear thoughts, why he writes if he hates it so much. All these things can entrall a reader and pull them into your story, which is where you want to keep them. Good luck and thanks for taking the time to enter my contest.
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Hee hee I thought you did well. I liked it, I pity his wife though. >< Actually, I sort of pity him too. Apples should come with warning labels.
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Ah, but would that be any fun?
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i loved it, what an ending.Make it better? I can't think of any suggestions.
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i think you did a great job with this. I never saw the ending coming. It was a brilliant idae to have the Gods playing with Juan. You have penned a great story here and I loved it. It flowed well and was easy to read.
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hmm, to be honest, I didn't find it very funny... I couldn't tell if parts were meant to be taken seriously etc. I liked it, though, and it's great to see something here which doesn't involve bleeding hearts, mascara, or vampires.
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