In My Father's Shadow-Chapter Eight

I haven’t eaten anything in four days and I’m starting to get this weird hair on my face and arms. I just shave it off. It’s gross. Fifteen year olds shouldn’t have white hair growing on their bodies, okay? It’s just not right. I’m just afraid that it’s going to start growing everywhere else too. How would I explain that to everyone? 1

It’s really fine though, so it might not be that hard to cover up. It’s just really disgusting. Not only am I a total cow, but now I’ve got weird white hair growing all over the place. 2

I’m trapped in a dressing room again, with Aislin babbling outside of my room. She doesn’t have any money to buy anything this time, but the little shop-aholic just wants to walk around the stores and get a good look at all the merchandise. I’m not trying on the clothes though, instead, I’m pinching rolls of fat again. I’m looking over my thighs, stomach, butt and arms trying to figure out what I should work on this evening after dad makes dinner. My thighs and stomach are ridiculously huge, now covered in cuts. Some not even scabbed over, days old and deep enough to delay the healing process. My arms are just nothing but flab. 3

This isn’t about self destruction. This is about redemption.4

Next, it’s my face. My horrible face with six chins and small white hairs already starting to grow back out, even though I shaved them off yesterday. 5

“Are you alive in there?” Aislin calls over, knocking on the door of my dressing room.6

I jump, “Yeah… no, I’m fine. Just kind of thinking.”7

“I asked you something.”8

“I didn’t hear it.”9

She sighs, “How much weight have you lost? You look kind of sick.”10

I roll my eyes, “Like… two pounds. And I’m telling you, I’m just not sleeping all that well. Micro sleep doesn’t make up for staying up for three days straight trying to get my summer homework done.”11

Aislin laughs, “You suck, Mister Engalls didn’t give his students any homework.”12

“Oh, you know what? Go die.” I mutter, finally hauling a pair of jeans over my hips and looking over myself carefully. They fit fine. Perfect, actually. It’s a size five… a whole new accomplishment for me. Just a few more sizes and I’m down to a zero… just a few more sizes and I’ll be perfect. It’s only taken me a month to get this far. Keeping it off is going to be hell though. I gained back a few pounds, but lost them fairly quickly. I haven’t had to make myself throw up… it’s not worth it. Instead, I just don’t eat. I copy my dad, I push my food around slowly on the plate, pretending to take a few bites and trying to make it look like it’s been eaten. 13

She laughs again, “Any specific manner you want me to die in?”14

“The slowest possible way possible, drink bleach or something.” I call over, still looking over my body in the mirror. My thighs are too big. “I’m buying these jeans.” I say more to myself than anyone else.15

“Well then get your scrawny ass out here and let’s pay for the crap so we can get something to eat!” Aislin snaps. “I’m starting to get cranky.”16

Food… oh god, Aislin, don’t tempt me…17

“Eh… my stomach is kind of upset today. I think I’m coming down with something. Can we do something else? Like, I dunno… go to the park and swing or something?” I suggest nervously.18

She groans, “Can I stop and get something first? You don’t have to go in if you’re not feeling good… but I seriously need to get something on my stomach before I croak.”19

“Yeah, sure,” I pull the jeans off and tug on my original pair, followed by another spaghetti strap, short sleeved shirt, long sleeved shirt and hooded sweat shirt. Every day, I need to add another layer to my clothing or I get so cold that I can’t stand it. It’s still chilly, but it’s bearable when you’ve got four layers of cotton covering your top half, a layer of nylon and a layer of denim covering your legs and then one pair of thin socks, a pair of wool socks and running shoes covering your feet. 20

After I’m fully dressed, I grab the desired jeans, place them on the hanger, drape it over my arm and walk out toward the front desk. The girl at the register gives me an odd stare… probably wondering how the hell I can fit into a size five jeans. She rings up the pants and puts them in a bag, I hand her the money, grab the bag and walk out. I don’t have the patience to stand there and watch her stare at me like that. It’s hard enough with Aislin and my dad doing it. I don’t need complete strangers on my ass too. 21

~~22

I wait quietly outside of McDonalds while Aislin runs in to get her 1,109 calorie meal and is out in less than five minutes. She’s already got the burger unwrapped and has taken two bites from it. The smell wafts over to me and I gag. 23

“Damn… you really are sick, aren’t you?” She questions after swallowing her bite of cheeseburger. 24

I nod, placing my hand over my mouth carefully… just in case. “That smells so gross…” I mutter thickly against my palm. My stomach clenches violently, but there’s nothing to throw up. I’ve been on a steady of water and diet Mountain Dew for the last four days, that’s all that would come up. I can’t throw up in front of Aislin, because then she would know. So I choke it back with as much effort as I possibly can. With my heartbeat thrumming dully in my ears, I can hardly hear her talking. She mentions something about a doctor and I just shake my head.25

A cool wrist slides onto my forehead and I snap my attention over to my beret wearing best friend, now biting her lip nervously. “You feel pretty warm; Gage… maybe seeing a doc wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”26

“I said I’m fine!” I snap out of irritation, my fingernail which has already been practically gnawed down to the cuticle finds its way between my teeth and I nip at it shakily. The weight of my arm alone is overwhelming. 27

She holds her hands up in surrender, “Okay, okay just calm down. I’m worried about you, don’t get all pissed off at me for being a friend. If you were me, you’d be doing the same thing.”28

So she’s got a point. My cheeks heat up in embarrassment and I nod, “Yeah… sorry. I guess I’m just a little edgy today, PMS or something.” 29

She smiles weakly, “Want a sip of my milkshake?”30

The taste in my mouth is still there… it hasn’t left. No matter how much I drink or brush my teeth, I can’t get that awful taste out of my mouth, so I nod. The cup is transferred over to my hands in a millisecond and I cram the straw in my mouth, sucking down a huge mouthful of it… and then another… then another. Finally, my mind decides to kick in and I have to practically pry the straw away to hand it back to her. 31

Immediately, I can feel myself starting to bloat. My stomach expands and I’m just getting bigger and bigger. “Do you have any cigarettes? I’m pheening like crazy.”32

“Yeah, sure thing, hold this for me.” She hands me over her hamburger and fries, digging into her pocket. I’m just trying not to breathe until she can get the pack and lighter out of her pocket, because if I do breathe, I’m going to looch all over her food and we’ll have to go back to The Calorie Barn and get more of this awful smelling, greasy, calorie loaded food. Once she finally gets the smokes out of her pocket, she slips it corner of the pack between her teeth, holds out the lighter and takes the fries with that same hand. I grab the lighter from her and hand her the burger, taking the pack of cigarettes from her mouth. 33

Immediately, I jerk one out of the pack, screw the filter into my lips and light up. Smoke fills my mouth so quickly that I almost gag and suck it deeply into my lungs releasing it through my nose. The shaking in my hand settles just a little bit and my mind swells with gratitude. Another few drags off of my cancer stick and I’m perfectly fine again. Aislin is half done with her cheeseburger and I can actually relax. 34

“Augh, so full…” She groans wrinkling her nose. “What the hell? That’s a gyp; I can usually eat this and go back for seconds.” She tosses what’s left of her food into a trashcan and we both stop at the park, perching ourselves on a swing. 35

With a cigarette between my pointer and middle fingers, I wrap my hands around the chain and push back, feeling the air hit me as I move forward. I keep pushing myself back and forth until I build up enough speed to pump myself back and forth. “We haven’t done this in a while.” I said absently, looking over at Aislin.36

She’s going at about the same rate I am and she grins, “Yeah… I know. I miss doing this. I get to feel like a kid again for just a little while longer.” She pauses and sighs, “We need to do this more often.”37

“Yeah, we do.” I take another drag off of my cigarette and exhale slowly some of the smoke hitting me in the eyes. I wince slightly as they sting and water up from the exposure. 38

After a few more minutes, I feel like I’m flying and I flip my cigarette away and take in huge gulps of breath. My legs sting and burn from pumping myself so hard into the air, my stomach still feels terribly bloated from the ungodly amount of milkshake that I’d drank earlier. I remove a hand from the chain and place it on my stomach. It feels solid and full… and I don’t like it. It’s disgusting. I’ve probably just put on ten pounds from drinking those few gulps. 39

“So are you excited about school?” Aislin asks, her legs still pumping away at the swing.40

I shrug and curl my hand back around the chain, “Yes and no.” My reply would probably be longer, but I’m too busy keeping my legs working. The muscles burn and stretch out slightly and I’m starting to love it. It’s become such a normal thing for me now that I’ve grown to look forward to it. “Are you?”41

She snorts, “Hell no! Are you insane, then I’ll actually have to go to bed at a normal hour, start doing homework, have tests up the ass and deal with all the drama that nobody needs in the first place!” Well, she’s got a point. “I mean seriously, all I hear about is who likes who, and who cheated on who with who, and who’s not talking to who… it’s friggin’ annoying! Especially when I’m the one who has to break up all the fights and crap... I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just like ‘okay you guys… go outside, duke it out and come back when you’re finished.’”42

I roll my eyes, “That’s your solution for everything though… just go out back and duke it out.” 43

“But it works!” She insists throwing her hands up and immediately gasping in alarm and grasping the chains to keep her from slipping and falling backward. 44

I have to grit my teeth to keep from laughing… eventually, it doesn’t work and my only option is to cover it up with a cough. The cough burns and makes my throat ache, pain surging horribly through the cut on the back of my throat and soon turns into an actual cough. Immediately, my feet catch the ground and I jump off, placing a hand over my mouth, gasping for air and only coughing more. Hands pat me on the back to help ease the cough, but it only makes it worse. The scratches in the back of my throat open up and the bitter taste of blood taints my mouth. When the fit is finally over, I hunch over, placing my hands on my knees, heaving deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. 45

“Are you okay?” Aislin asks after a few moments.46

I can’t say anything for a moment. My mouth is too dry, and I can’t get the taste of copper out of my mouth. “Yeah… my throat is just really dry…”47

“C’mon, let’s go get a soda or something.”48

I nod… shaking and still gasping for air, I straighten myself out and manage a jittery step out of the park. Aislin hesitates, watching my movements carefully and probably making sure that I’m not on the verge of collapsing. When she realizes that I’m going to make it out of the park without in need of an ambulance, she walks alongside me, shooting a glance my way here and there. 49

“Are you sure you’re okay?”50

“Yeah… I told you, I’m just not feeling that well.”51

She bites her lip, “Yeah… but you said you had a stomach bug.”52

“My throat is dry, Aislin I’m fine, okay?” I insist trying to keep my voice as calm as possible. If I get too testy, it might be obvious. If I get too testy, she might be able to look through my eyes and see the truth. If I get too testy… she might tell me how fat I am and walk away, not wanting to talk to me or hang out anymore. If I get too testy… I’ll be alone.53

She finally gives in and just nods, picking at her nails silently. This is really bothering her. She never gets quiet like that. Usually, I can’t pay to shut her up. Her silence is scaring me… but I can’t say anything, because that would mean that something is wrong with me. It would mean that she’s worried… and I don’t deserve others’ concern. I just don’t deserve it. I’m too fat, I’m too imperfect. I can’t reach my goal, I can’t not eat, I can only make myself throw up if there’s bleeding involved and I’m confused as to whether or not something is wrong with that. 54

“What’s on your mind?” I stuff my hands into the pocket of my hoodie and 55

keep a slow pace, not having the energy to power walk. My fingers feel stiff with the cold and I rub them together in an attempt to create some friction. 56

“Nothing,” she lies shaking her head and staring at the ground.57

“Bullshit. What’s wrong?”58

Aislin sighs and looks up at me, her teeth still grinding away on her lower lip. “I’m really worried about you, Gage. Something is really wrong and I don’t know what and you won’t tell me! You tell me everything and you won’t tell me what’s going on with you now.”59

I roll my eyes, “There’s nothing going on! Christ, Aislin… I’ve been telling you what’s up and you just pass it all off as a lie!”60

“Because it is a lie!” She shouted angrily at me. “I know you better than you think I do, Gage and you’ve been doing a hell of a lot of lying to me lately.” I open my mouth to say something and she just cuts me off, “I don’t want to hear another lie, do you understand that? All I want is the truth. That’s it. The only thing that I asked is that you don’t cover anything up by lying to me. I don’t like liars and most importantly, I don’t like it when liars lie to me.”61

“I’m not lying to you, Ais! Look, I’m sorry if I haven’t been talking to you as much, I’ve just had a lot of stuff on my mind that I need to work on alone. I don’t want to tell anyone because no one needs my drama. I’ve been as honest with you as I possible can and I’m sorry if that isn’t enough for you.” I tell her shaking my head. “There are a lot of things that you don’t tell me too, so don’t give me that shit.”62

Disbelief crosses her face and she just shakes her head, “I… what the hell is wrong with you?”63

A snarl inches up my throat and I grip a tuft of my hair tightly between my fingers, “Nothing! Now will you just get off my back about it?!”64

Silence, so thick and hostile you couldn’t break through it with a thump gun. Aislin’s body is stiff with anger, her face pale as a sheet but her neck crimson red. My fingernails dig crescent shaped cuts into my palms, the blood wetting my fingertips and sticking under my fingernails. Finally, after what feels like forever, she turns and walks away shaking her head.65

“Aislin… wait…” I call after her my stomach going cold. She just shakes her head and keeps walking. Tears well up in my eyes and I bite the inside of my cheek, heaving in shaky breaths in a desperate attempt to calm myself down. It feels like my heart is stopping. By the time Aislin is out of view, tears are rolling down my cheeks, the crescent shaped cuts on the inside of my palm getting deeper by the second.66

I’m all alone now.67